He went home and left me in hospital

[Jade4455]

Hi, a number of years ago I was very poorly and rushed to hospital.
It was shortly after the birth of my child and I was completely exhausted with very little help from my husband. He was always working and busy. I did everything myself.
The first night I was in hospital the doctor told my husband he could stay with me, I was gradually getting worse and they were considering moving me to Intensive Care.
At about midnight, he left.
He was uncomfortable on the chair and “really tired” he also smokes and I could tell he needed a cigarette as he was irritable and snappy.
I had two doctors with me for sometime after that and things were not great, one asked me why he had gone, I can’t remember what I said. I was alone.
I have never been able to forgive him.
Our marriage has suffered and my anxiety is awful as I’m petrified of Illness, dying alone or leaving kids behind as he’s always so busy working. He tried to understand “my anxieties”
What do I do?
I don’t want to leave him But can’t see myself forgiving him. I would never have left him. I haven’t properly told anyone this, but many years on it’s still a huge problem for me.
He has apologised about it, but for some reason I can’t let it go in my head and I’m concerned a lot of my current anxieties stem back to this.

@TimelyManor

I had counselling twice after, both time I spoke of my struggles with anxiety and illness but I never told her about him leaving. It’s like I wanted to protect him or potentially not hear how bad it is.

When I was still with my ex I used to read threads on MN from women in very similar circumstances to me. I knew if I posted here what the answers would be. It's a very very difficult thing, realising that the man you love isn't there for you.

it always stems back to my anxiety, my issues in my head and my ability to not be able to “get over it”

Why is it your anxiety and issues? Your husband left you when you were in a very dangerous situation. What sort of person would do that?

If you go for counselling again, which I think would be a good idea, you have to address the main problem and take it from there

Thank you x

Not telling the counsellors the full truth hasnt helped you at all. For them to understand they need to know the full story and the biggest part you left out- your DH leaving you on your own. Be open, explore your emotions and decide what future you want

I've just read your other posts, OP, you're really not in a very happy marriage, are you? It doesn't sound like he supports you at all and your original post is the biggest thing you can put your finger on. All the other stuff is the little things that add up but seem too trivial to consider.

OP I call this type of anxiety revolving around one sacristy provoking incident 'an elephant in the room' . My experience was that talking it over with a professional was immensely helpful. Once I'd got it all out, the power of the memory was vastly reduced.

I honestly think that it might be immensely helpful to revisit therapy and to talk about this part of what happened.

A good therapist will not tell you you have to leave your husband. It's not for them to decide. They will work with you to process this event and your feelings about it.

Good luck x

I'm so sorry, Jade, but it is only in recent years that visitors have been allowed to stay all night with a sick patient. In the past they always went home. There wasn't much he could do for you anyway and he probably felt quite ill himself though obviously not as much as you.

Please do talk to him, tell him how you feel and ask him to express how he felt at the time and why he went home. The conversation is important if you are ever going to move on.

"He apologised a few years ago, I told him he had upset me by leaving. He said that he was scared and found it all too much."

I think he probably was telling the truth but was embarrassed.

You would both be better if you could forgive.

That is just awful! My husband is truly rubbish when I or the kids are ill. He side steps all of it. It has hurt our relationship because he has failed to step up when needed. I was very very angry about it for years. I think it scares him so much he just puts his head in the sand and pretends it's not happening. He is a good and caring person but is just utterly and completely crap at dealing with his loved ones being ill. I've accepted that but your situation may be different. It sounds like it is eating you up and that's not fair on you. Maybe you need to see someone together to help you navigate it. Good luck to you!

Would it be possible to work on letting it go? It's one of his less desirable traits. I only say this as similar thing happened to me after a difficult birth. DH went home as he was tired. Our baby was born at 8.30pm and he left at 11pm just after I went into the ward.

Now thinking of it he did the same the second time ( I lost the use of my leg due to a badly placed epidural) and he went home. He didn't come back until after I was moved to the ward without him being there. Both times he was allowed to stay and we had only been in the hospital that day, no over nighters. My feeling is especially second time is I only rely on myself and that is much easier. Have you considered he just might not be able to cope with this hospital situations? It would be lovely to be supported, but I wouldn't let it get in the way of your relationship, you know his limits as I know my DH's. I would treat him better.

Sending you my best wishes as I know it's not easy being let down.

My husband left me to labour alone in the downstairs toilet after complaining I was making too much noise upstairs. That’s nowhere near as serious as what you went through but I’ve never forgiven him either. For years we “joked” about it but I’ve realised it’s not ok. I needed him and he wasn’t there. We’re getting divorced.

Tbh leaving someone at home when seriously ill and leaving them in hospital are two very different things.

Reality is that if you were being taken through to ICU etc he wouldn’t have been allowed to stay with you, he would have been sent out to the relatives room where he would have to wait until he was given an idea as to what was happening. He very likely felt completely powerless, there is nothing he could have done, and you both needed to rest.

Last year I was admitted to ICU twice. Once after a heart crash and the other time after a cardiac arrest. The first time when the crash team were called my parents were asked to leave the room immediately, had to watch me being wheeled down to ICU and had to stay in the relatives room until all lines and monitors had been attached and they’d attempted to insert a balloon pump (which wasn’t successful). They stayed around because I vaguely remember them coming to see me at about 3 in the morning and I told them to go home.

The second time I had a cardiac arrest and they were called back from home. Again they had to sit around while they worked on me, then took me down to have a temp pacemaker inserted, then had to wait until they knew it had worked, then i was taken back to ICU and put on a ventilator. Only then were they allowed to see me and then only briefly.

Hospitals are awful places. It’s very common for people to have PTSD when being in ICU, I was very fortunate, I didn’t, but both my parents were very badly affected by my time in there. As much as it’s possible for the patient to suffer, so it is also possible for the family to as well..

If this is just one in a lot of other issues then you likely have some things to think about with regards to your marriage. But if this is the only thing then I agree that some therapy is a good idea....

He has apologised about it, but for some reason I can’t let it go in my head

Because he's not sorry and you know he'd do it again.

Why continue with the contract to provide care in sickness and old age when you know for a fact he will abandon you instantly if you need the same?

I think the vast majority of people would be very upset with their partner doing that OP.

I guess you do need to know if he's got your back or not - some people simply aren't good in a crisis and either don't know how to support others or don't have the motivation to. If this is of huge significance to you, and also signals other core issues with the relationship, it looks like you should be rethinking things.

But all that aside I don't know that any one of us can rely on one individual to take care of us in umpteen years time when we may have ill-health. Life is just too unpredictable; partners may die first, a new partner may similarly fail to step up, there may be periods of being alone that are out of our control.

I would develop your own resilience and independence. And also develop your larger support network - your friends and family - spend time with them, nurture and treasure your involvements in each others lives, and in years to come you may be able to support them and they may be able to support you in harder times. Not because it is owed, but just because it is often a natural follow-on from care and involvement with each other.

I completely understand that partners are powerless in hospital settings and many can not stay with their loved one when they are ill, but he left of his own accord, he was not asked to leave, he was told he could stay with me, I have no idea what time he would have been told to leave but at that point he could have been with me. He chose not to. He was irritated, tired, uncomfortable as the chair was hard and wanted to go home.

I think you lost respect for him when he did that and lost trust in him too.
When trust and respect are damaged they are notoriously difficult to repair. This isn’t “your issues/ anxieties” this is a relationship problem. I think it requires couples counselling but be aware that doesn’t mean it can be fixed. Ultimately he might just be a man that cannot be relied upon.

Hi OP.

I think you would benefit immensely from seeing a therapist. I had a traumatic experience after the birth of one of my children too, like you I was very ill and had to stay in hospital for almost two weeks.

Its understandable that you hold some resentment towards your DH and I think I would too if that were me.

My DH stayed with me most days as the hospital kindly allowed it, but If he hadn't I think that would have upset me alot as it was such a terrifying time.

I was diagnosed with PTSD 6 weeks later and had EMDR therapy which helped me so much. I was able to let go of all the negative emotions I was carrying with me and am now doing much better.

Just out of curiosity was it sepsis you had? I only ask as that was what was wrong with me, and I remember being petrified of illness for a long time after and scared out of my wits.

I would seriously consider counselling again, and this time tell the counsellor. His decision to leave is having a massive effect on you.

Have you had a crisis since where you've had to rely on him?

Although nothing as bad as what you went through when my ex let me down badly I didn't actually truly get over it until the next time he had a choice and chose me/right. I hadn't even realised how much I was thinking in the back of my mind that he'd let me down again if it came to it until the moment he had the decision to make

My DH left me after a very traumatic emcs (DD1) to go party for 3 days (no contact from him, nothing). I was left in a side room on my own with her for hours (she had jaundice and had to be on a light Bed) and I ended up with ptsd (had no visitors as no family in the area). So I know where you are coming from. The only thing that helped was having another two children where he didn't act like the worst new father in the world, and did what he was supposed to do. I have continued to suffer from anxiety but it has always been caused by the actions of DH. I can say for sure I am no longer the person I used to be due to the stuff my DH has done to me over the years. Nonetheless I've forgiven him and he has improved a lot.

@Xusi

Hi OP.

I think you would benefit immensely from seeing a therapist. I had a traumatic experience after the birth of one of my children too, like you I was very ill and had to stay in hospital for almost two weeks.

Its understandable that you hold some resentment towards your DH and I think I would too if that were me.

My DH stayed with me most days as the hospital kindly allowed it, but If he hadn't I think that would have upset me alot as it was such a terrifying time.

I was diagnosed with PTSD 6 weeks later and had EMDR therapy which helped me so much. I was able to let go of all the negative emotions I was carrying with me and am now doing much better.

Just out of curiosity was it sepsis you had? I only ask as that was what was wrong with me, and I remember being petrified of illness for a long time after and scared out of my wits.

Thank you for posting, it’s So helpful to hear from someone who has experienced similar. Yes it was at it frightens me so much now, mainly because it came on so fast. Do you think u could have forgiven your partner if he had left?

Another vote for some kind of counselling or therapy here. The thing is, however things turn out in this relationship, it sounds as though your current feelings will colour any future relationships if you don't work on ways to cope with similar situations or to ensure that a DP understands your need for support.

I firmly believe you are not obliged to forgive people for unforgivable actions. You can decide to continue to be with them and accept their faults but you don’t have to forgive.

However you do need to be ok enough to recover from the trauma and I very highly recommend EMDR and specialist therapy.

You also need to unpick your relationship with your DH and set some boundaries that he’s clear about. Caring for one another in times of sickness is one of those. You shouldn’t dread your old age in case he can’t be relied upon.

Lastly, sometimes people act very strangely under great stress. A friend of mine had a severely ill adult child and told me that one night her DH asked her for a drink while he kept an eye on their DC. Instead of getting him a drink she ignored him and went to bed. She’s a lovely person but simply reached the very end of her tether.

I have just started EMDR therapy to manage my health-related anxieties. The situation isn’t the same as yours, but it isn’t massively different. I was frightened that the only solution would be to end a relationship that works on many levels with a man I know loves me.

What I’ve learned is that it is not a binary choice and if I need support or reassurance he can’t / chooses not to give then it’s okay to get it elsewhere. So I have a will that leaves some money directly to the children, my DH isn’t an executor, my enduring power of attorney (for health and welfare) is a wonderful friend.

It’s early days but I already feel like a massive weight has been lifted. One thing you do need to accept though is that there is no point having counselling and not being completely open.

You're allowed to feel how you feel. Other posters saying to let it go are dismissing how this is effecting you.
I think you need time to process these feelings rather than pushing them away to 'let it go' . Forget about your husbands needs for a minute and concentrate on you. You were left you when you were at your most vulnerable. By someone you trust.
Doesn't matter why or the circumstances, that is what is effecting you.
I agree it's best to process this with a professional
Get it out and face the feelings in a safe place.

Dear OP, I would not be able to forgive this behaviour.
My own ex husband dumped me when i was in hospital very ill, just left, left me with no money, no car and no job. did not care what happened to me.
When I came out and changed my life completely around - got a new job, moved, divorced him, he was desperate to come back to me.
I didn't want him back - I don't need traitors like that in my life who cannot even give me the most basic of support and love when I needed it.
My hair fell out because I was no anxious when I was married. Guess what it grew back once he was gone for good. My anxiety and all my depression went too. I am a new person now and living my best life.
I wouldn't want that man back if he was the last man on earth.
Your situation does sound an awful lot like mine.
You too can be happy again.

From your OP (I have read all your posts, but this jumped out at me right at the start) I don’t want to leave him But can’t see myself forgiving him.

These two together are untenable. I think either you find some way of "letting go" (if not forgiving him) or you accept that the relationship is dead in the water. I don't think you can carry on in this state of tension between the two, for the sake of your own mental health.

A lot of people have explored the "letting go option" with you.

But would it be helpful to talk about the "I can't leave" issue? What do you think stands in the way of leaving as an option? The only thing I can see you mentioning upthread is that you don't want to end up in your 70s in doubtful health but alone. (Which is a bit of an odd reason because 70s is a long way off, there's no obvious reason to assume you'd be in bad health, and from evidence to date, even if you were your husband would be about as much use as a chocolate tea pot.)

So why is leaving not an option? (Full disclosure - it was one reason, not the only one, why I left my ex. Among many other things, his behaviour when I was seriously ill left me realising that actually my health was much less important to him than his career. The combined set of reasons can probably be summed up as "he was utterly selfish and expected my life to revolve round his" - but the attitude to my health was symptomatic of this.)

@Jade4455 you have my complete understanding, it was single handedly the most terrifying experience of my life.

In regards to would I be able to forgive DH in your case, that would dependent on several factors. I would want a thorough conversation about it and to know exactly what was going on in his mind at the time. I would want to be certain I could rely on him if I ever fell ill again in the future. It would also be important to me that he knew exactly how much he had upset me and damaged my trust, and I'd need to believe he regretted his decision to leave in that moment.

I can relate somewhat because although DH was brilliant in the hospital there was an incident at home shortly after discharge where I was in the grips of PTSD and i thought the sepsis was back and that I was going to die. I still felt very unwell and was having what I now know to be a panic attack. I was pleading with DH to sit down on the bed with me and hold my hand as I needed to feel comforted and genuinely thought I was about to die. His response was to become agitated and irritable, as if he was thinking "oh for god sake I can't be bothered with this"

I have never forgotten how dismissive and annoyed he was at me needing him in that moment.

Unfortunately in my case that wasn't the only incident where he has been less than supportive in my hour of need.

I'm often in conflict because he was great when I was in the hospital, but any other time I've needed his support (the PTSD, a later miscarriage) his default position is to think of himself.

What explanation has your DH given for leaving you in the hospital?

Please do reach out in IRL too and speak to a therapist about your experience, it's likely you have a PTSD yourself. Even years later these things can linger if they've not been processed properly

Do you think you can’t forgive him because he isn’t truly sorry?
I personally couldn’t forgive that, it’s so selfish.
Is he a good partner now? Is he reliable and caring?