He went home and left me in hospital

[Jade4455]

Hi, a number of years ago I was very poorly and rushed to hospital.
It was shortly after the birth of my child and I was completely exhausted with very little help from my husband. He was always working and busy. I did everything myself.
The first night I was in hospital the doctor told my husband he could stay with me, I was gradually getting worse and they were considering moving me to Intensive Care.
At about midnight, he left.
He was uncomfortable on the chair and “really tired” he also smokes and I could tell he needed a cigarette as he was irritable and snappy.
I had two doctors with me for sometime after that and things were not great, one asked me why he had gone, I can’t remember what I said. I was alone.
I have never been able to forgive him.
Our marriage has suffered and my anxiety is awful as I’m petrified of Illness, dying alone or leaving kids behind as he’s always so busy working. He tried to understand “my anxieties”
What do I do?
I don’t want to leave him But can’t see myself forgiving him. I would never have left him. I haven’t properly told anyone this, but many years on it’s still a huge problem for me.
He has apologised about it, but for some reason I can’t let it go in my head and I’m concerned a lot of my current anxieties stem back to this.

Also needed a smoke as you said

Then he could've nipped out and had one.

He left, like left the hospital for quite a few hours if I'm reading the op correctly.

Remember men were traditionally excluded from child birth for generations - whatever happened

This wasn't during childbirth, she was very ill afterwards.

(And not immediately afterwards).

Actually I sat with my adult daughter after she had had an op. and she fell asleep. I was on a very uncomfortable upright chair. It was either sit there all night or go home. I went home. When I went back in the morning she was upset I had not sat there all night but I just couldn't do it.

Was your daughter's condition deteriorating to the point they were considering moving her to ICU?

It sounds like not.

And if it was that would make you a phenomenally awful parent & person, just like ops husband is s phenomenally awful partber and person.

Your husband behaved appallingly and is a complete knob.

After your first child was born
I was completely exhausted with very little help from my husband.. He wasn't supposed to "help", he was supposed to share the parenting of his child!

I was gradually getting worse and they were considering moving me to Intensive Care.At about midnight, he left. Most loving partners/husbands would have been beside themselves, and scared to death they were going to lose you. And he buggered off home?

He was uncomfortable on the chair and “really tired” he also smokes and I could tell he needed a cigarette as he was irritable and snappy.

Most partners would have been too worried to be tired or to notice being uncomfortable and would have just nipped out quickly for a smoke. All he thought about was his own creature comforts? He doesn't love you.

I have never been able to forgive him. That is hardly surprising. What he did was unforgivable. You found out in your hour of desperate need that he wasn’t the man you thought he was. Disgusting man. I wouldn't have left a dog in that situation, never mind a human being.

My gut tells me my life will be hard if I stay with him.
Listen to your gut feeling. It is right. He is a waste of space.

It’s so silly that something like this can impact my view on him moving forward in Such a massive way, is it a ridiculous reason for leaving him!

It is not silly and is not a ridiculous reason for leaving him. He does not deserve you and you deserve better than him.

But my fear is being 70+ having health issues and feeling incredibly alone. Regretting a decision I didn’t make 40 years ago.

Don’t let this happen. Dump him and find someone who will love you, protect you and always be there for you.

Our marriage has suffered and my anxiety is awful as I’m petrified of Illness, dying alone or leaving kids behind as he’s always so busy working.
That's hardly surprising either. The first time there was a crisis he failed to rise to the occasion, so why would you believe he'd behave any differently if there was another crisis? You already know you can't rely on him.

He is the type to work when I’m poorly, let me muddle through with kids, if they are ill he will fetch things to help but it’s very much down to me to deal with.
Again this is not how loving husbands and fathers behave. They take time off work when their wives are ill and look after their children. When children are ill they share the parenting of a sick child just as much as the parenting of a healthy one.

He said that he was scared and found it all too much. But his words and behaviour did not show this whatsoever and I know this is a lie, when I didn’t forgive him he then told me the doctor told him to go home. The same doctor that came to me and asked me why he left

He's also a lying bastard. You can't trust him.

It is not surprising you can't let this go and that you suffer long term anxiety.

I think you should go for therapy again OP and this time tell them everything, starting with that terrible night your so called "D"H abandoned you, when you needed him most.

Then make plans to leave.

That entire post left me with a "wtf" expression on my face.

I think that you are in a situation where you do not and can not trust your husband to be there when you need him.
He let you down in the middle of a pretty serious health crisis, prioritising his own needs over yours, when things could have gone very badly for you indeed.

It is no wonder that you are still struggling with this, and in all honesty, a half-baked apology with excuses doesn't really cut it in terms of making it "right" so that you could think about trusting him.

You can't, and you know it, and that's why you struggle so much.

If you were on your own, you wouldn't always be wondering if you would get support if you needed it (from him) because he wouldn't be there anyway, so you would make other arrangements. You would KNOW that you were "on your own" in terms of coping. It's much easier to deal with and plan how things will go if you KNOW that in advance, than if you are wondering whether or not your life partner will step up at the right time.

Should you leave him? Well, that's up to you - but it depends what you want, and what you get, out of staying in the relationship because it sure as hell isn't a life partner who you can depend on to be there for you when you need him to be.

@Jade4455

Thanks, this is what I’m questioning, it always stems back to my anxiety, my issues in my head and my ability to not be able to “get over it” but ultimately would I still be struggling this way from a serious illness That happened years ago had I had my husband supporting me and standing by my side through it all? If I felt that that I have chosen a man who will never leave me when I need him and show the same care I would have given to him. If I had that comfort and reassurance would I have been able to mend better? Is the reason I can’t mend because I have chosen a life partner that would rather sleep than show me the support I would have shown a complete stranger.

Nothing your husband can do or say will change what happened that night. That's the first thing you need to accept in order for you to move on.

I think you have issues because he let you down. He broke your trust. He can’t fix that and nor can you. He broke it.

If you can’t trust your partner to be there and fight for you and make sure everything is being done to help you when vulnerable, what is the point of them?

Stop doubting yourself. Start planning a new live. There is someone out there you can trust.

He said that he was scared and found it all too much.

Pathetic and not a person to build a life with; yet you've tried to which is why you've been so unsettled.

My sister "couldn't handle it" when my mum was diagnosed with breast cancer quite some time ago now. We were very lucky indeed and it was dcis caught early and was relatively unlikely to be life threatening but we didnt understand that at the time.

Previously she had had a close relationship with mum and relied upon her a lot, very happy to take her help and support all the time.

She blew up some minor random issue and disappeared on her, cut her off, wouldn't speak to her for over a month, wouldn't listen to myself and other sisters requests to contact her, even a card. My mum mentioned in hospital how she hadn't even sent a card or some flowers as others had. My late dad had to go and reason with her to contact her. She came back "online" when mum was over her lumpectomy and radiotherapy and back functioning pretty much as usual, seeming well and not needing any support, sympathy etc.

Over the years she has shown herself repeatedly to be a selfish, lacking in empathy, lacking in responsibility, exploitative, shallow, "good times only" person who I've become convinced is narcissistic or sociopathic or something.

People like this are useless bastards; shit partners and relatives. I don't care if they "can't" or not, it's like s psychopath saying they can't feel empathy or sympathy.

Oh incidentally she also lied about her behaviour afterwards too - said that she didn't visit the radiotherapy hospital because she had no-one to watch her young son, even though my sister and I had offered.

She convinced my mum of it (perhaps because it was so hurtful for my mum to think otherwise) so much so that my mum later said "poor X (narcissist)couldn't get to visit me because she had no childcare ... What the story was with the lack of visits to the local hospital, total lack of contact from someone who was previously in contact every day, and total lack.of card for weeks, I didn't get into with my mum.

They lie like carpets too.

Leaving the hospital isn't probably the best thing, but did he come back early the following morning? Also, where was the child? (sorry, may have missed this...?)

My ex was in hospital after a difficult birth due to an infection. She was separated from DS, but I would leave her every night.

Fact is, I had to:
a) work, to feed/clothe/house DS - there is only so much time you can get away from work paid.
b) ensure DS was OK with family
c) keep track of you

By definition, the priority is your DC. You were in the excellent care of the NHS so you were 'safe' - it doesn't mean he got the balance right, but hindsight is wonderful. Don't judge him with the benefit of hindsight, as he can't re-do the situation.

See a therapist, i think you are looking for him to say 'I wouldve done this instead' as it demonstrates he recognises your feelings, and got it wrong.

Please listen to your gut. I had incidences with my husband when I realised he would always put himself first. I didn't listen to my gut, I developed terrible anxiety. Things didn't get better I just felt more loneliness and sadness. We are now splitting up and I feel so much happier and my anxiety has improved immeasurably. I only wish I'd left sooner.

My ex was in hospital after a difficult birth due to an infection. She was separated from DS, but I would leave her every night.

Have you actually read the op?

At any point on your wife's time in hospital were doctors considering moving her to ICU because her condition was deteriorating?It sounds like not

Would you gave left the hospital if she was?

People are t moved into ICU for shits and giggles, it's the most critical section of beds in any healthcare trust. Everyone knows that.

It was totally and utterly inappropriate, despicable behaviour.

If ops condition had deteriorated further, the staff would have had to try to get him in the phone to call him back, they shouldn't have had to. The staff members themselves expressed shock/surprise and were perturbed that he'd left.

You just don't do what he did.

@GilbertMarkham

My ex was in hospital after a difficult birth due to an infection. She was separated from DS, but I would leave her every night.

Have you actually read the op?

At any point on your wife's time in hospital were doctors considering moving her to ICU because her condition was deteriorating?It sounds like not

Would you gave left the hospital if she was?

People are t moved into ICU for shits and giggles, it's the most critical section of beds in any healthcare trust. Everyone knows that.

It was totally and utterly inappropriate, despicable behaviour.

If ops condition had deteriorated further, the staff would have had to try to get him in the phone to call him back, they shouldn't have had to. The staff members themselves expressed shock/surprise and were perturbed that he'd left.

Thank you for reiterating. Yeah I can’t stress enough that this wasn’t a time where I was comfortable on a ward, doctors had had very honest conversations about the potential outcome of this when he was there. (It shocked me as I always thought doctors would say everything will be ok just to be positive) I was not doing well, I was not responding well to the antibiotics and should that continue I will be moved to icu. It was shortly after this that he left.

My DH did something like this once. I’ll tell you what worked for us in case any of it is useful. We had a few rows about it. For me we had to have a few big rows where I really told him exactly how I felt about it without worrying about his feelings etc. Once that was done we then we spent a lot of time talking about how he could get himself support and calm himself down so that he won’t feel the need to leave if it happened again. I was then fairly confident he’d got the message. There’s been another hospital experience since and he managed to stay although he did start crying at one stage and I had to help calm him down.

Did you have any close relatives and friends be could've called to come and stay with you if he "couldnt handle" things and wanted to leave, op?

Why didn't he call someone else. Even at 12 at night, most people I know would come in the circumstances. Or did he not want anyone else to know he was leaving you?

That whole episode is symbolic of how he treats you and is proof to you that he’s selfish and you can’t trust him or expect anything from him when you need him most.
He also lied to minimise what he’d done.

This is why it’s hard for you to get over.

I agree you should seek counselling as it will help to unravel your emotions and move on.

Having read your other posts, I felt very similar about it to how you describe. Also worth me mentioning that the process I describe above was a couple of years with lots of little conversations about it. You’ll probably get the ‘how many times do you expect me to apologise!’ line from him too. The answer is he needs to talk to you and apologise about it for as long as it takes to repair the relationship and help you trust him in those circumstances again...until you feel okay. Your feelings don’t just evaporate because he’s said sorry once and he messed up monumentally and this is now what needs to be done to repair it. Alternatively you don’t repair it and you split up.

He is the type to work when I’m poorly, let me muddle through with kids, if they are ill he will fetch things to help but it’s very much down to me to deal with. Just doesn’t show much emotion or care. I have noticed his parents are both similar.

This is who he is.

Thank you for all of your comments, I have felt great relief finally letting this out and realising the true extent of his actions that night. It is very apparent to me from reading and thinking about our time together that he is this type of person. When I think of all the things we have been through I’m not sure why it has took till now to realise it.
That night just happened to be the most obvious example.
Unfortunately where I am now is beyond a simple conversation With him, I am not in a place where a sorry will ever be enough, I will organise therapy for myself. Should my views change I will include him on this at a later date. But I plan to work on me first, get stronger and try and manage this anxiety. I have some way to go to get me better first. I am not in a position to leave him, but I am working on this. When I am in a position where I can who knows, maybe I will want to stay with him, maybe I’ll be stronger and realise I always deserved better.

When I think of all the things we have been through I’m not sure why it has took till now to realise it

A lot of things my ex did seemed like the norm when I was with him, it wasn't until he was gone that the full extent of his abuse became apparent. I felt so stupid to not have realised earlier. In fact, even in the last few weeks something else that happened over 20 years ago has become clear in my head. The fog is a very real thing.

Sending you much strength for what you have to do. We are always here

I think that sounds like a very wise plan. Get mentally strong and learn to prioritise yourself and make sure your needs are met and then look to reassess.

Take whatever you need from the relationship to help you do this. It's what your husband would do.