He went home and left me in hospital

[Jade4455]

Hi, a number of years ago I was very poorly and rushed to hospital.
It was shortly after the birth of my child and I was completely exhausted with very little help from my husband. He was always working and busy. I did everything myself.
The first night I was in hospital the doctor told my husband he could stay with me, I was gradually getting worse and they were considering moving me to Intensive Care.
At about midnight, he left.
He was uncomfortable on the chair and “really tired” he also smokes and I could tell he needed a cigarette as he was irritable and snappy.
I had two doctors with me for sometime after that and things were not great, one asked me why he had gone, I can’t remember what I said. I was alone.
I have never been able to forgive him.
Our marriage has suffered and my anxiety is awful as I’m petrified of Illness, dying alone or leaving kids behind as he’s always so busy working. He tried to understand “my anxieties”
What do I do?
I don’t want to leave him But can’t see myself forgiving him. I would never have left him. I haven’t properly told anyone this, but many years on it’s still a huge problem for me.
He has apologised about it, but for some reason I can’t let it go in my head and I’m concerned a lot of my current anxieties stem back to this.

Thing is, he didn't apologise. He lied to you about why he left, so his 'apology' is a lie. He's just can't admit he put himself first when you needed him most. He only had to be there for you, he wasn't in any danger, and he couldn't even do that. And nothing has changed since then when you need him. Imagine getting truly sick again ... think he'll be any different?

Your answer should guie your decision about whether to stay or go.

Can you try to ''rationalise'' what DH did?
By that I mean - looking at it from his point of view only and see it as events that just occurred? How much had he thought about or knew about child birth? How interested in it was he anyway? Remember men were traditionally excluded from child birth for generations - whatever happened. He would have thought you were in the right place for any problems and what could he have done? Maybe he was very uncomfortable physically in his chair (seems trivial I know ) and very tired. Also needed a smoke as you said. It was just what ''happened'' at the time and not meant to be malicious. Actually I sat with my adult daughter after she had had an op. and she fell asleep. I was on a very uncomfortable upright chair. It was either sit there all night or go home. I went home. When I went back in the morning she was upset I had not sat there all night but I just couldn't do it.

You won't be wasting anyone's time and the fact you have had help before and still struggle just means you haven't found the right person or type of therapy yet.

For therapy to work you have to be ready to be open and honest and put the hard work in, have a therapist you trust and have faith in and have the right kind of therapy.

I have had many different appointments over the years and the last three have been really helpful. They were all different types of therapy, and different people of course though all women, two older, one younger than me, and I was ready. The fear of never getting better was worse than the panic of having to say certain things out loud.

If your husband has apologised do you feel he means it and understand how badly he let you down ?

It really doesn't mater how long it go it was. If it hurts it hurts and that is your right.

My husband has done something really devastating but soon after I came out of appointment which could have had bad results and he was waiting in the room for me. He'd driven over an hour from work, and then went back again after buying me lunch, because he wanted to be there for me. I'd gone in early which is why he had to wait outside. I didn't need him there. I understood about work but he wanted to show care, etc. Your husband would do well to do the same.

You deserve peace. You deserve a man you can rely on and always had your back. Who will stand by you, listen to you and hear you and anything less then you are selling yourself short.

Make the call. You deserve it.

But I’ve already Had help twice - how did you choose your counsellor, was it a good experience - or was it NHS and no choice? Even if you did have empathy, you may not have been in the right place at the time to address the issue.
It's still clearly distressing for you, so don't give up on getting help.

I’ve had counselling before, I’ve just started some more. I had a difficult childhood and I’m ready to open up about that more than I have before. My new counsellor is happy to help me start working through these issues now. It’s not always easy to confront hidden issues, it can take a few courses to open up.

I'm not excusing what your husband did, but I was a nurse for many years and I saw relatives act in many different ways when confronted with difficult situations.

I notice a poster earlier said that he should have stayed because he was in no danger etc. I've seen many relatives have to walk away, even as their relative died because they just can't cope with it.

I've seen it in my own family, people that I know to be loving, kind, supportive partners who just can't handle serious hospital situations. My mum refused to be with my dad when he underwent open heart surgery - I sat with him before he went down and in ITU until he was well enough for a surgical ward. She just can't deal with medical situations so I think there's lots of emotions here for you to work through.

DIL had this in hospital post birth then nine weeks for both of them in ICU. She acknowledges three years down the road she is damaged to me it looks like PTSD her OH has been very supportive but there is only so much he can do. I know he wept in my arms a couple of times. You do need counselling if this is still so bad.

But I’ve already Had help twice and I’m worried I’ll just be wasting people’s time

Not at all. And I don't mean this nastily because I understand why you did it, but actually you were to some extent wasting yours and the therapist's time on the two previous occasions - because unless you address the true issue, only concentrating on peripheral issues from the fallout, nothing will change because the real problem is still there. You may even feel resentful of him because you felt you had to keep quiet to protect him, or cross at yourself for not being honest.

Please have counselling again, but this time let it all out. Everything said in the therapist's room is confidential, and the point of counselling is to give you a safe space in which to explore your feelings, however strong they may be, whatever they may be about. the therapist won't judge you (or 'D'H for that matter). They are there to help you reach a point that is right for you. And you don't have to focus solely on what happened when you were in hospital. Address that, but then feel free to go on and explore your feelings about your husband in the wider context.

One of two things will happen. Either you will come to terms with what happened, or you will crystallise the feelings you have that you don't want to be with him and gain the strength to leave. I suspect it would be the latter, but I don't have a crystal ball and neither do you. Take it as it comes and remember that there is no 'right' way to respond to therapy. You'll discover what you want to do, not what anyone else would do.

I've had a similar experience with my ex. He deserted me and our dc when I was struggling. By working or going to his mums
First time when I suffered a trauma which then left me in a huge depression. I'd be crying on the kitchen floor and he never so much as asked how I was or if I needed anything. Then I spent a miserable lonely year in the marriage, struggling and then he went off to his mums when I had been in hospital about a year later. Leaving me and Dc to manage.
I lost any remaining respect for him and we are now separated.

Yes he may have issues around hospital but surely he needs to put you above those, especially when you needed the support.
How is he in general day to day life?
Supportive? Caring? Thoughtful?

You learned that your H didn’t ‘have your back’ at all. And sounds like he’s shown you further evidence of that in the time since.

Whatever your other MH challenges, that’s a huge deal and it’s understandable to be angry and worried, while you’re in the relationship.

OP I feel for you so much.
Years ago, with a previous long-term partner, I had knee surgery. Not life-threatening or anything, just really painful and uncomfortable. My partner would not come visit me. No reason that I can remember, and our relationship was 'fine', no problems. I was devastated.
Years later when I finally realised that he didn't really care much about me, I looked back on that episode as a major red flag which I wish I had paid more attention to and left him then. Unfortunately I wasted several more years in this 'relationship' with someone who showed in that time I was in hospital, that he didn't really care about me, he didn't prioritise me.

I'm not saying that this applies exactly in your case. Just telling you my experience. Please think carefully about this, as it is affecting you so much. Good luck with whatever you decide OP.

would not come visit me in hospital, I should have said.

I actually think you need to have counselling about this, there are so many issues. The incident in the hospital is not isolated, it's part and parcel of who your husband is, and you feel like you aren't and will never be a priority to him.

You sound like a very caring and empathetic woman, and maybe you are imagining how you would feel , leaving a loved one scared in a hospital bed , alone. You aren't the type of person who could do this so it seems worse to you. Unfortunately , a lot of people in this world do place their own lack of comfort over another's obvious distress. And your husband is one of these people. He maybe isn't a bad person but I think you sound like you are a sensitive soul who needs to be with someone who understands that?

The whole time in the hospital sounds distressing and traumatic. You need to talk this through to a qualified professional. You need to find a way to neutralise the emotional impact it's having on you.

Then you need to assess your relationship with your husband in its entirety . We are all imperfect and we all make mistakes, you need to decide if he can ever be the person you want and need him to be. You may need to forgive, your absolute aim in fact should be to forgive your husband. For yourself if nothing else. But staying with your husband , or leaving, should be a separate decision.

My dc was in hospital. When he had a surgery, my dh wasn't there, I had to be the one who were worried sick for 5 hours on my own. I really resented what he said, "I can't do anything being there". Maybe still do. But I also can see that someone had to work, and he was there as soon as he can, every night, even though it took him 2 hours one way.

The answer here is that you married a selfish arse. Who will always be a selfish arse.

Your choice is to accept, or not accept.

Life's too short to live in the past wanting a different outcome, and I mean that kindly. You can't go back in time or into the future and make someone care when they don't.

A previous poster has asked "Do you think you can’t forgive him because he isn’t truly sorry? " For me that would be the crux of the matter.

What he did to you was really awful. But usually if someone we love and trust does one bad thing, apologises and shows genuine remorse its not that difficult to forgive - especially not several years down the line if it hasn't happened again.

My guess would be that your brain won't let you let go or forgive because somewhere in your subconscious you know that it's not a one off; he isn't genuinely sorry; and that in a similar situation he would do the same thing again.

If you really think deeply about his behaviour since that day is it a one off or is it just the worst example? Are there other instances where he has put his wants above your needs? Might your brain be refusing to forgive because it's still going on?

But my fear is being 70+ having health issues and feeling incredibly alone

But you are alone now really if you can't rely on him surely?

I agree with others that a return to counseling is probably best for now, but someone with the right specialisms. You may need someone for the relationship as well as the trauma.

Regretting a decision I didn’t make 40 years ago

In my 50s I have been surprised to see that the happiest post divorce singles are women who finally broke free in their 50s, 60s and in one case 70s after many years of tolerating "bearable" marriages with men whose priority was always themselves. None of them found it easy but they are the happiest singles I know.

I am so sorry to read the pain you are in.
IMHO you need access to a clinical psychologist / psychotherapist with the appropriate skills to undertake evidence based trauma treatment options like trauma focused CBT or EMDR.

Jade my exdh has done this twice to me. Both times were eptopic pregnancies.

First time was when the found the embryo in my tube on a scan and I had to go for surgery. He left when I’d been put in bed in hospital waiting for my operation. He said he needed to get back to work. He came back the next day to take me home.

The second time I was physically shaking through the pain and was bleeding heavily. I was curled up on the bed whilst he was getting ready to play football. I asked him to take me too the walk in clinic and he suggested I wait till he came back from football. I insisted do he reluctantly drove me, asking me to be quick the GP did a pregnancy test and told me to go straight to early pregnancy unit with a suspected eptopic. When I got to the hospital my Fallopian tube ruptured and I was in a bad way and was rushed in to theatre. Exdh went home with dd2 who was a toddler.

If he had left me to go to football I’d probably be dead. He knew I was in a state but was happy to go to play fucking football.

I never forgave him for that but we muddled on for a few years untill I ended it. It broke how I felt about him. I would never have left him in that state.

Dd2 birth was traumatic. My epidural started wearing off whilst I was having a c-section and I could feel them inside my stomach. So they gave me some and I could feel my throat closing up and I started to have a panic attack and tried to sit up so they have me a general anaesthetic and kicked dh out of the room. When I came round he was crying and saying he never wanted me to go through that again.

When I got home I was fucking traumatised and very weak as if also needed a blood transfusion. And exdh was shit at helping me. He went back to work two days later and left me to get on with it.

I get why you still strong feelings.

My exdh was generally an ok bloke but when I really needed to count on him I couldn’t.

The book Too good too leave too bad to stay is really worth a read. It’s what made me feel happy about leaving him. I knew I’d be happier if I wasn’t with him

Hope your ok

Op mine isn't as major as yours but 6 years ago I had an ectopic pregnancy, didn't know I was pregnant. I was in the worst pain I had ever been in, vomiting and begging my dh to take me to hospital but he flat out refused and helped me get into bed. I'll never forgive him for that, I've always been anxious about my health but since then it's so much worse because I don't feel like I could trust him to make good decisions if I were to get really ill.

I don't have any advice but I'm really sorry that happened to you x

I find many of the responses itt very surprising.

What he did was despicable and unforgivable.

His excuse is pathetic (and ultimately selfish), and it seemed like he lied as part of it as well (told to go home).

To me, your mistake was not leaving him when you were well enough after that .. though I fully understand how hard that can be with babies/small children, being a sahm etc etc. Especially depending on how long ago it was.

How are you set if you leave him?

That’s not an apology. Of course you’re struggling, you’re in a relationship with a man who isn’t on your side and would rather lie to you than actually consider your feelings. I agree counselling would help, but I think where it would help is by clarifying these issues for you and enabling you to say to your husband, that he lied to you. They you don’t trust him to have your back. That you won’t grow old with someone who will walk out when you need them. That sometimes you are terrified when you think that he’s your children’s father as all his parenting to date gives you no confidence he can be a good parent to them if something happens to you.

In very simple terms, you need to get over this or leave him.

In reality, getting over it is not that simple - I’d say both of you need to work on this. You need to work on your anxiety issues, and he needs to work to understand his part in that and what you need from him to demonstrate he’s sorry and wouldn’t do it again. Some counselling here is needed, addressing all the issues.

Ultimately though, if you can’t forgive him then it’s only fair on both of you to end it.

How could you have been helped by counselling if you were hiding what appears to be the main problem ?

You need to get some more so that you can come to terms with what happened and then decide what to do.

I really struggled with this too OP, my DH left me at a couple of really key moments and generally showed a lack of care towards me in the past. My feelings of resentment about it, as well as other issues bubbled up a few years later. I went to marriage counselling on my own, he wouldn't come, but I found it really, really helpful. We had some very serious discussions about what my expectations were of him, how his behaviour had been unacceptable etc. I was very calm, but also clear that if it happened again, I would be out. It was a turning point for us, and he has behaved far better to me ever since. He knows he is on his last chance though, and if he ever treats me in a similar way again, we will be getting divorced. The counselling helped me find my strength, and what I really wanted out of our marriage. It also helped me find the words to express it clearly and calmly to him. I would really recommend this to you if you can, but honesty with your counsellor will be key.