He went home and left me in hospital

[Jade4455]

Hi, a number of years ago I was very poorly and rushed to hospital.
It was shortly after the birth of my child and I was completely exhausted with very little help from my husband. He was always working and busy. I did everything myself.
The first night I was in hospital the doctor told my husband he could stay with me, I was gradually getting worse and they were considering moving me to Intensive Care.
At about midnight, he left.
He was uncomfortable on the chair and “really tired” he also smokes and I could tell he needed a cigarette as he was irritable and snappy.
I had two doctors with me for sometime after that and things were not great, one asked me why he had gone, I can’t remember what I said. I was alone.
I have never been able to forgive him.
Our marriage has suffered and my anxiety is awful as I’m petrified of Illness, dying alone or leaving kids behind as he’s always so busy working. He tried to understand “my anxieties”
What do I do?
I don’t want to leave him But can’t see myself forgiving him. I would never have left him. I haven’t properly told anyone this, but many years on it’s still a huge problem for me.
He has apologised about it, but for some reason I can’t let it go in my head and I’m concerned a lot of my current anxieties stem back to this.

It sounds like you do need some support. It sounds bad and once you know how you feel about it, and maybe have had counselling together to go through it, you need to decide what to do - either forgive him and stay together, or don't, and don't. It's not fair on either of you to stay together but never forgive him for something that happened in the past.

Look after yourself OP.

I'm sorry he did that to you, op. Its actually one of the worst things I've read on this board, and that's saying something.

As I said if he was so "scared"/absolutely couldn't handle it, he should have drafted in a close relative or even friend to stay at your bedside.

(Not that I go with the "couldn't handle it" ... when my sister "couldn't handle" my mum's health issue, I came to the conclusion that it actually books down to selfishness; because the rest of us were equally worried/scared etc but Mum's feelings (fear, stress etc.) was super ended that, it had to, she wax the one facing it, she was the one who needed support. If you couldn't force yourself past your own feelings to acknowledge that and act appropriately, that's putting yours above the person who's actually most affected and their need for support. It's selfishness. And it's borne out by all her other selfish behaviour, just like your husband's is by all his other selfish, cold, unsupportive behaviour).

Best if luck op

*boils down to

*superceded

@Greenkit

When I was with my exh I fell down the stairs, I was in agony and thought I have broken my back. He made me ring my own ambulance, because he didn't like talking to people.

I never forgave him

I want to give a big hug -that's horrible.

Although you might understand it -actually that's pretty shit from a partner unless you had pets/ kids/ to go home.

Years ago -15 years ago now I had a missed m/c and needed a G&A and D&C, my mum and husband came -he was an abusive controlling dick - he stayed in the "Tv room " all day and barely said two words to me. When my mum left -he told me it was fantastic to have the day off and watch wimbledon and "thank you" -I never forgave him.

If you don't forgive -it will eat you and consume you -please get some counselling for the trauma and yourself / relationship.

It's good that you're going to get some therapy. And don't be afraid to leave if that how you feel after you've been able to sort your thoughts out.

One of the many, many reasons I left my ex, was that when I needed support I got none, yet he expected plenty of it were him needing support, which he got.

I remember one time, pre DC, when I had a D&V virus, was in the bathroom suffering at both ends (and as an emetophobe I was very distressed by puking), and all he did was to crack open the door a little and shove a bottle of smelling salts at me, telling me to use it as he didn't want to have to help clean me up. This was a moment when I was on the verge of fainting, too. I was so ill, and had to clean the bathroom up myself as well, took me ages.

Your experience, OP, is far worse than mine. I never forgave him and knew I couldn't rely on my ex for support, and I suspect that your anxieties are a result of knowing this about your husband, too.

@Bemorechicken Thank you

I think it boils down to the fact, that that one time you are so vulnerable and fragile. You think your partner would have your back and take care of you. They let you down so badly, how can you ever trust them again.

If you can’t trust your partner to step up when the chips are down, there’s just no point. It’s a really big factor for me particular in relation to healthcare. If they don’t step up then, when would they?! You have every right to be upset and I don’t think you need to forgive or to get over it. But for your own sanity get yourself sorted - and then decide if you think this chap actually deserves to be with you.

That's a good plan Jade4455, take care

Perhaps going against the grain but I don't really understand why adults need someone staying with them in hospital anyway. Children fair enough but I wouldn't expect my dp to be with me once I went to the ward/high dependency whatever because they need sleep too and they are more use to me in the morning having had sleep. But I'm not typical, I wasn't bothered by exh being at the hospital when I gave birth and wasn't overly sympathetic when he was blue lighted to hospital, I'm of the just get on with it persuasion

Perhaps going against the grain but I don't really understand why adults need someone staying with them in hospital anyway. Children fair enough but I wouldn't expect my dp to be with me once I went to the ward/high dependency whatever because they need sleep too and they are more use to me in the morning having had sleep. But I'm not typical, I wasn't bothered by exh being at the hospital when I gave birth and wasn't overly sympathetic when he was blue lighted to hospital, I'm of the just get on with it persuasion

@okiedokieme I'm not sure I would need a dp in overnight either - however it's down to each couple to decide & if your oh wants you there then in those circs you are there, the end.

Having a partner who never stepped up no matter what would be a different story. I'd never trust them again and certainly would never want to go out of my way for them. It's just basic relationship skills.

My exH just could not handle me being ill. I think psychologically he needed me to be ok, to be well, to be the strong one. could it be that? It's not healthy though.

Early on in our relationship we went away and I got food poisoning. I really wanted him to just go out and leave me in the hotel room (and bathroom!) for a few hours but he just wouldn't, and later he made me come out for dinner (I sat and watched him eat) because he didn't want to eat alone.

There was another memorable time when I was so ill I was practically passing out with fever and he left me with our (then) toddlers and spent the afternoon in bed.

DP now is so supportive and helpful when I get sick - and surprised by how grateful I am. Honestly, that's how it should be.

It sounds not good for the long term; what happens with such a partner when you get old and sick? An uncaring man is no good for that certainty. We are all going to need more help and care as we get old; being independent is for the young.