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Original poster

He doesn't want to marry me, does he?

454 replies

poppiesredfred · 13/07/2020 18:42

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years and we live together. Back in April, he surprised me one morning when I came downstairs and he was playing a song on Alexa and said 'this would be a great first dance song at our wedding' and then pulled out a Haribo ring. He's a joker and I laughed and said 'yeah, would be amazing!' but he said he was serious. I spent the rest of the day in shock, asking him if he was serious as a) I know he loves me but I didn't think in a 'I want to be with you for the rest of my life' kind of way and b) he is such a joker. We've both been married before for context. Both marriages have had divorces finalised years ago and he's had a relationship since where they were engaged but never married as she wanted the ring but not him. She gave him the ring back when he asked.

He then said 'let's get married next year but we can't tell anyone yet though...I want to tell everyone at the end of the year'. I still can't fathom out why but I know he wants some sort of finance agreement with his ex finalised first and that appears to be the reason. There is also no ring.... he does, however, still have his ex's engagement ring in a box (v. expensive and was made to his specifications) upstairs. He has made no move to sell the ring, despite needing money at various points, and stating all of our relationship he wants to sell it asap. I've paid large bills for him during our relationship that this money would have helped towards.

He came to me a couple of weeks ago and asked me how I'd feel about a 'cheap ring'. I said fine, no problem - whatever you choose is fine by me because you've chosen it so I'll love it'. He said he wanted us to go together to a specific place (where the stone he wants is sold) to choose it together. We have a free weekend this weekend so I suggested we go to this place. At first he looked a bit 'deer in the headlights' by it, then came an hour later and said 'that's a great idea, we could choose it then go to this place and that restaurant etc'. All fine until today when he's backtracked completely and now wants to go nowhere near the place... this is after last night when we visited a local restaurant, he randomly told the waiter there 'might' be a big event next year, then corrected it to 'oh, there IS a big event' when he saw me sat there like Confused

I'm so puzzled and don't get it at all. I want the excitement of the man I love asking me to marry him and being able to share the joy with our family and friends. But it's all a big secret and no ring in sight.

What is going on? Can anyone enlighten me.....? Am I being led along?

OP posts:
backseatcookers · 13/07/2020 22:17

I'd just lost my mother 2 years before and was still grieving as we were so close. He helped me with my house I bought and he just seemed great company. I'm embarrassed but I was lonely. I see how easily sucked in a lonely person like I was could be.

I am so sorry about your mum Thanks

The only person who should be embarrassed is him - you were lonely and vulnerable and he's a manipulative user.

If you can afford it at all then I agree with PP I would write off the debt (you shouldn't have to obviously but from a mental health point of view) to get him gone for good so you don't have to deal with him in any way any more.

Poor you, he's an arsehole but I'm so glad you found out now before it went any further.

AnneKipanki · 13/07/2020 22:18

Hope you are ok @poppiesredfred .

TwentyViginti · 13/07/2020 22:19

You seem lovely OP. In time you'll get over this. I understand how loneliness can blind you when someone pays you some (seemingly) kind attention.

Ok, you've lost some money, but you now have your dignity, and your home is safe.

Oh, and a fair few posters who have your back Flowers

DoubleTweenQueen · 13/07/2020 22:19

A conversation with his ex might be interesting.....

Original poster
poppiesredfred · 13/07/2020 22:22

Yes, my plan is carefully bag/box his things, ask him to collect his belongings from the drive way (I have a covered carport) with a timeframe or he'll string it out, change locks and seek basic advice just in case there is any possibility of any sort of claim. I doubt it but I want to be sure. I feel sad, relieved, foolish and all sorts of things but I see the truth now.

OP posts:
Holyrivolli · 13/07/2020 22:24

Well done for wising up and standing up to him. He was a user and you’re better off without him. As other posters have stated, he’ll try any trick in the book now as he’s worried he’s lost his meal ticket. Stay strong.

impossible · 13/07/2020 22:24

Don't be embarrassed. I'm sure over the last two years you have had some fun - you say he can be great company. Perhaps he was what you needed at that difficult time though probably he isn't what you need in your future.

TwentyViginti · 13/07/2020 22:25

The ring is worrying me. He may claim you still have it, even if you bag it up with his things.

Any advice, MN?

Original poster
poppiesredfred · 13/07/2020 22:26

Am I able to seek removal/tip anything not gone by a certain time? I don't want him to say there were expensive things in there and I didn't give them back or anything. There isn't a huge amount here to go.

OP posts:
backseatcookers · 13/07/2020 22:27

@TwentyViginti

Could be a good call that - maybe send it signed for by third party courier (picked up and dropped off directly) for peace of mind he won't be a dick about it?

DoubleTweenQueen · 13/07/2020 22:27

Arrange a handover of anything of his of value in front of a witness and draw up a receipt everyone can sign first.

PyongyangKipperbang · 13/07/2020 22:28

Unless he has receipts (such as his bank account) with payments to you marked as "mortgage" he will have no claim.

Has he ever transferred money to you with a reference like that?

I know because I had to do this with my ex because the mortgage was (at the time) in his name and although I was paying it, he could have claimed a larger share if it looked like he was paying it. I have proof that I paid the exact amount to him every single month and as a result he didnt have a leg to stand on when he tried to claim I hadnt and dropped the claim.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 13/07/2020 22:28

There's no need to feel embarrassed, OP - the only reason to blame yourself would have been if you'd realised all these things and still carried on with him

He won't give his goldmine up easily though, so be prepared for more game-playing for a while. You don't need to "ask" him to leave either since he has no claim to your house - why not just change the locks and arrange for his stuff to be delivered to wherever he's holed up?

backseatcookers · 13/07/2020 22:28

Do you have his family or family's contact details OP? I would say he needs to collect by xyz date and if not collected you'll be dropping them at his parents / sisters / friends as you don't wish to be responsible for keeping them or disposing of them.

Original poster
poppiesredfred · 13/07/2020 22:28

@TwentyViginti

The ring is worrying me. He may claim you still have it, even if you bag it up with his things.

Any advice, MN?

Yes, that's my worry. I'll figure that out tomorrow.
OP posts:
thefourgp · 13/07/2020 22:31

What a manipulative user he is. You’re not agreeing to continuing to fund his life and give him half of the house you paid for so he’s going to suggest you’ve forced him to cheat on you with his ex. What a loser. You seem a nice person who picked a wrong ‘un when you were going through a bad time. Everything he now does and tells you is solely based on getting back into the cushty position he has been in with you. Please do not allow him back into your life. He’s poison.

Crispsnatcher · 13/07/2020 22:32

You've done the right thing OP. Do not let this loser suck you back in. Ugh he makes my blood boil.just reading about his antics.

Onwards and upwards Smile let him have his things back then you can look forward to the rest of your life.
You've got this.

PyongyangKipperbang · 13/07/2020 22:32

@poppiesredfred

Am I able to seek removal/tip anything not gone by a certain time? I don't want him to say there were expensive things in there and I didn't give them back or anything. There isn't a huge amount here to go.
The only problem with leaving them unsecured is if they get nicked.

So I would say that he is welcome to collect his belonging at X time on X date (have a friend there with you if you can so you dont have to speak to him) and if he doesnt collect them then you will be leaving them unsecured in your carport and take no further responsibility for their safekeeping. Then its up to him. If he chooses to not fetch them then he risks them being pinched but you have at least offered him the option.

Tistheseason17 · 13/07/2020 22:33

If there is anything of value put it separately e.g.ring box open showing ring.

Then use your phone to video it and him collecting it.

BumbleBeee69 · 13/07/2020 22:33

christ almighty.. it was so obvious be wanted a quick quiet cheap wedding and take half of everything you own OP.. well done for kicking this cretin to the kerb.. lucky lucky escape lady...sending support stay strong Flowers

PyongyangKipperbang · 13/07/2020 22:34

Re the ring....ask for an address to post it to and send it tracked and signed for. Then you have proof it was sent and proof when its delivered. Cost you less than a tenner which is a fucking bargain to rid yourself of this prick.

DoubleTweenQueen · 13/07/2020 22:34

Have you seen 'the ring'?

Any claim of something of value needs to be backed up with evidence? Photographic, specific insurance cover, receipts. Get him to state any specific items of value before he picks up his stuff so you can do a witnessed handover of those, if there are any. Don't worry x

CorianderLord · 13/07/2020 22:35

You've been together 2 years, that's really not very long.

He sounds like he does want to marry you but realised after joking around that the joke had rushed it and with the financial agreement and Covid etc he'd rather just wait a bit to sort things

Original poster
poppiesredfred · 13/07/2020 22:36

@DoubleTweenQueen

Arrange a handover of anything of his of value in front of a witness and draw up a receipt everyone can sign first.
Good plan. I think the idea to say it's all got to go by xyz (this weekend) is a good one and I can drop it to his ex if not. She lives about 20 mins from here. His mother is 3.5 hours away, his sister about 5. His texts keep coming, all unpleasant (all unanswered but kept) so I'm going to mute him and send one tomorrow once I've had time to pack up and go from there. Locksmith will be first and money well spent (for once!). Going to bed feeling still stupid and sad but less embarrassed and grateful for the wisdom of strangers.
OP posts:
wildone84 · 13/07/2020 22:37

@PyongyangKipperbang

Re the ring....ask for an address to post it to and send it tracked and signed for. Then you have proof it was sent and proof when its delivered. Cost you less than a tenner which is a fucking bargain to rid yourself of this prick.
Yes, do this.