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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He doesn't want to marry me, does he?

454 replies

poppiesredfred · 13/07/2020 18:42

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years and we live together. Back in April, he surprised me one morning when I came downstairs and he was playing a song on Alexa and said 'this would be a great first dance song at our wedding' and then pulled out a Haribo ring. He's a joker and I laughed and said 'yeah, would be amazing!' but he said he was serious. I spent the rest of the day in shock, asking him if he was serious as a) I know he loves me but I didn't think in a 'I want to be with you for the rest of my life' kind of way and b) he is such a joker. We've both been married before for context. Both marriages have had divorces finalised years ago and he's had a relationship since where they were engaged but never married as she wanted the ring but not him. She gave him the ring back when he asked.

He then said 'let's get married next year but we can't tell anyone yet though...I want to tell everyone at the end of the year'. I still can't fathom out why but I know he wants some sort of finance agreement with his ex finalised first and that appears to be the reason. There is also no ring.... he does, however, still have his ex's engagement ring in a box (v. expensive and was made to his specifications) upstairs. He has made no move to sell the ring, despite needing money at various points, and stating all of our relationship he wants to sell it asap. I've paid large bills for him during our relationship that this money would have helped towards.

He came to me a couple of weeks ago and asked me how I'd feel about a 'cheap ring'. I said fine, no problem - whatever you choose is fine by me because you've chosen it so I'll love it'. He said he wanted us to go together to a specific place (where the stone he wants is sold) to choose it together. We have a free weekend this weekend so I suggested we go to this place. At first he looked a bit 'deer in the headlights' by it, then came an hour later and said 'that's a great idea, we could choose it then go to this place and that restaurant etc'. All fine until today when he's backtracked completely and now wants to go nowhere near the place... this is after last night when we visited a local restaurant, he randomly told the waiter there 'might' be a big event next year, then corrected it to 'oh, there IS a big event' when he saw me sat there like Confused

I'm so puzzled and don't get it at all. I want the excitement of the man I love asking me to marry him and being able to share the joy with our family and friends. But it's all a big secret and no ring in sight.

What is going on? Can anyone enlighten me.....? Am I being led along?

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 13/07/2020 22:00

If his poor ex fiancée put him on the deeds of her houses that house is half his and he can go and stay there can’t he.

How many times during discussions on here about divorces do we remind posters a wife can’t change the locks of her stbxh is named on the deeds.

I’ll bet he got his name on the deeds of his ex-fiancées house by dangling the marriage carrot to her and now poor woman is facing a fight not to give him half the equity on her house.

Bag up his stuff up and have it ready for him to take to wherever he wishes to go.

PicsInRed · 13/07/2020 22:01

Contrived suicide threats in 3, 2, 1...

Bunnymumy · 13/07/2020 22:02

Oho there you go, he's shown himself for the nasty prick he is. Suddenly his ex is the good one and you're the meanie huh xD might be worthwhile googling narcissistic triangulation. And narcissistic hoovering.

Dont let him back. Change the locks.
He is a right horrible, manipulative bastard right enough. Can you tell him to stay away and then block him on everything? You've had a lucky escape here!

ferntwist · 13/07/2020 22:03

OP from your updates the question you should be asking is definitely NOT whether he wants to marry you, but why on earth you want to marry him? He’s just taking and messing with your head and heart. He shouldn’t be sending nasty texts and taking your money. This isn’t husband material. Run!

MrsHound · 13/07/2020 22:03

Sorry you are having such a bad time. You have done the right thing, you know you have. You have also saved yourself so much heartache. Ignore the texts. Pack up all his things, if you know where she lives send them to the ex. Onward and upward, I know it hurts like a bitch but you will find better because you deserve better

TwentyViginti · 13/07/2020 22:03

Oh yes pics there's always that gambit he could try.

Evelefteden · 13/07/2020 22:04

I’ve just seen that he is staying at his ex’s. Is that still half his house? Listen to the poster above. I bet he did exactly the same to her

Bunnymumy · 13/07/2020 22:04

I'll see your suicide threats and raise you long rambling 'me me me' emails/letters posted through your letterbox over the coming weeks.

Sunrise234 · 13/07/2020 22:05

Thank God he's shown his true colours now before you actually did get married.

MadCattery · 13/07/2020 22:06

I shouldn’t have posted too quickly. I just wanted to point out that someone who loves you wouldn’t try to lay claim to something you own. If you, because you love him and trust him, wanted to give him security, the life estate is just one way. It should come from you, as a gift, not because of a demand from him.

IdblowJonSnow · 13/07/2020 22:07

I only read the first page and was thinking 'get rid'.
Sorry OP. He's not the one for you. You can do MUCH better.
Flowers

poppiesredfred · 13/07/2020 22:08

I'm going to get advice tomorrow, if possible. I see, as he's not on the deeds, and contributed very little financially- I pay all bills, he buys food twice a month and puts petrol in my car once every two months and helps me with maintenance - I can remove him if he won't go willingly, without recourse in a legal sense. I paid a large car repair bill (almost £2000), plus other bills of his mounting to almost £6000 over the two years. He did try to pay me back on an instalment plan of £250 a month but he's not been able to keep to it over recent months. A fool and his money indeed. I used to pride myself on my sharpness but I've declined over the past few years.

OP posts:
Lonelylockdown22 · 13/07/2020 22:09

Have you seen the film "he's just not that into you"? There's a bit in that for "if he's not marrying you..."

backseatcookers · 13/07/2020 22:10

In one of the texts, he said since I've nowhere to go, you leave me no choice but to stay at G's (his ex). I'm not responding.

Off he fucks then!

My god, please end this relationship and do NOT let him talk you round by feeling all sorry for himself whether tomorrow or in a week or a month.

Nothing is quite as draining as being in a relationship with one of life's perpetual victims.

If he spent as much time doing stuff as he did moaning, he'd be able to start paying his way.

He's a manipulative nasty piece of work who asked you to marry him in order to make a claim on your house. He as much as told you that.

I suspect you've been in a horrible relationship before so your bar was low - I've been there too and you need to reset your expectations and boundaries.

Because you've been with a 10/10 cunt before then an 8/10 cunt doesn't seem 'that' bad and so it doesn't occur to us to end it when we should.

The fact he sent that text is all the proof you need (as if everything else wasn't enough!) that he is cruel, unkind and selfish.

DO NOT STAY WITH HIM.

wildone84 · 13/07/2020 22:10

I'm still amazed at the gall of this man... phrasing his attempt at being put on the deeds to your house, as making things "more equal".

More equal is: him getting a job, paying 1/2 the bills, paying 1/2 the wedding, buying you a proper ring rather than a fucking pretend one, and then paying 50% of the house or accept that it's YOUR asset and financial security.

TwentyViginti · 13/07/2020 22:12

I don't think you need legal advice. As you say, he's no financial or legal interest in your house. Just pack his stuff up and change the locks.

category12 · 13/07/2020 22:13

I'd write off the money as lesson learnt and just be glad to get rid. I'm not sure why you want legal advice? He has no rights to your house or anything.

DoubleTweenQueen · 13/07/2020 22:14

Being a warm, loving person is a good thing. Trust in a relationship should be a firm foundation, and he's abused that. It's not you, it's definitely him. You'll be absolutely fine, and your gut feeling has served you well. This man is not you happy ever after, but don't give up x

poppiesredfred · 13/07/2020 22:14

My last relationship was my marriage that was happy but we just drifted. I waited a few years then met this man. I'd just lost my mother 2 years before and was still grieving as we were so close. He helped me with my house I bought and he just seemed great company. I'm embarrassed but I was lonely. I see how easily sucked in a lonely person like I was could be.

OP posts:
sweetbirdofjuice · 13/07/2020 22:14

OP well done on seeing the light here. he hasn't even kept up a pretence of having genuine romantic intentions the minute you had the nerve to ask him to straighten out his finances before you made such a big commitment.

Sounds as though he caught you at a low ebb and took full financial advantage. What a prick and a loser. Whining about being unlucky. Cake Flowers

poppiesredfred · 13/07/2020 22:14

My last relationship was my marriage that was happy but we just drifted. I waited a few years then met this man. I'd just lost my mother 2 years before and was still grieving as we were so close. He helped me with my house I bought and he just seemed great company. I'm embarrassed but I was lonely. I see how easily sucked in a lonely person like I was could be.

OP posts:
impossible · 13/07/2020 22:16

Sorry you're having such an awful time but you did well to ask for advice and take it on. Whatever you do, don't give him half of your house.

Good luck.

SunshineCake · 13/07/2020 22:16

@poppiesredfred

We live together but the house is in my name as I bought it with my divorce settlement and an inheritance from my mother. He asked, in a casual conversation, how it could be made more equal and I said either I change the deeds or we get married, I think that's the only way. This proposal has come afterwards. He's been out of work for various periods of our relationship which is when I have paid his bills - trying to be supportive.
This is so obvious it is embarrassing he is so stupid. Don't you be stupid too. He wants half your house that he hasn't paid towards. This is over. Or should be. He's using you.
wildone84 · 13/07/2020 22:17

@poppiesredfred

My last relationship was my marriage that was happy but we just drifted. I waited a few years then met this man. I'd just lost my mother 2 years before and was still grieving as we were so close. He helped me with my house I bought and he just seemed great company. I'm embarrassed but I was lonely. I see how easily sucked in a lonely person like I was could be.
Don't be embarrassed, you sound like a lovely, trusting person. You will find a good man but I don't think this guy is it.
Bunnymumy · 13/07/2020 22:17

He has no claim to stay with you. He was your bf in your home and hasn't paid rent. Those 250 installments were for something else as haven't been paid for a few months anyway and there is no lodger form or anything right? So he cannot claim to have been removed unlawfully.

Text him to tell him stay away and then if he comes back you could call the police. Box up his things and drop them with one of his relatives. Or text to say they will be on the doorstep at such and such time and place. Dont let him back in your home. He has nothing to do with it anymore. And change the locks asap. Maybe before you let him know he cant come back. In the mean time you can leave your key in the door so he cant get in.