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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He doesn't want to marry me, does he?

454 replies

poppiesredfred · 13/07/2020 18:42

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years and we live together. Back in April, he surprised me one morning when I came downstairs and he was playing a song on Alexa and said 'this would be a great first dance song at our wedding' and then pulled out a Haribo ring. He's a joker and I laughed and said 'yeah, would be amazing!' but he said he was serious. I spent the rest of the day in shock, asking him if he was serious as a) I know he loves me but I didn't think in a 'I want to be with you for the rest of my life' kind of way and b) he is such a joker. We've both been married before for context. Both marriages have had divorces finalised years ago and he's had a relationship since where they were engaged but never married as she wanted the ring but not him. She gave him the ring back when he asked.

He then said 'let's get married next year but we can't tell anyone yet though...I want to tell everyone at the end of the year'. I still can't fathom out why but I know he wants some sort of finance agreement with his ex finalised first and that appears to be the reason. There is also no ring.... he does, however, still have his ex's engagement ring in a box (v. expensive and was made to his specifications) upstairs. He has made no move to sell the ring, despite needing money at various points, and stating all of our relationship he wants to sell it asap. I've paid large bills for him during our relationship that this money would have helped towards.

He came to me a couple of weeks ago and asked me how I'd feel about a 'cheap ring'. I said fine, no problem - whatever you choose is fine by me because you've chosen it so I'll love it'. He said he wanted us to go together to a specific place (where the stone he wants is sold) to choose it together. We have a free weekend this weekend so I suggested we go to this place. At first he looked a bit 'deer in the headlights' by it, then came an hour later and said 'that's a great idea, we could choose it then go to this place and that restaurant etc'. All fine until today when he's backtracked completely and now wants to go nowhere near the place... this is after last night when we visited a local restaurant, he randomly told the waiter there 'might' be a big event next year, then corrected it to 'oh, there IS a big event' when he saw me sat there like Confused

I'm so puzzled and don't get it at all. I want the excitement of the man I love asking me to marry him and being able to share the joy with our family and friends. But it's all a big secret and no ring in sight.

What is going on? Can anyone enlighten me.....? Am I being led along?

OP posts:
category12 · 13/07/2020 22:37

Does he have family nearby? If so, I'd bundle up his stuff and drop it at his parents and hand over anything valuable to them directly.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 13/07/2020 22:37

www.royalmail.com/sending/uk/special-delivery-guaranteed-9am

Compensation up to £10,000 available with this service, maximum cost about £30

BorderlineBob · 13/07/2020 22:37

I dont know that it's very helpful to tell OP that it's so obvious it's embarrassing. She shouldn't feel embarrassed; things like this are much more difficult to recognise from the inside.
OP, please don't be embarrassed; he ought to be ashamed of himself but you should be proud that you've now seen the light and are moving on from in. Good luck for the future Smile

nexus63 · 13/07/2020 22:38

i would think very carefully about getting married to this guy, tell him you love him but would prefer to wait until he has everything sorted, keep the house in your name as you may regret it further down the line, if he really loves you and wants to get married he will be happy to wait, if he starts talking about rings and wedding just smile and say...let's see what happens

wildone84 · 13/07/2020 22:38

@CorianderLord

You've been together 2 years, that's really not very long.

He sounds like he does want to marry you but realised after joking around that the joke had rushed it and with the financial agreement and Covid etc he'd rather just wait a bit to sort things

Have you read the whole thread, about her bankrolling him, too?
DoubleTweenQueen · 13/07/2020 22:39

What a piece of work!

MadCattery · 13/07/2020 22:39

Please don’t be embarrassed or ashamed! You are no less human than any of us. You were alone and needed company, and he was good company for you. It just didn’t work out. Sleep well

TwentyViginti · 13/07/2020 22:39

It shouldn't be a worry, but with a con merchant like him, you have to be one step ahead - although he hasn't shown much intelligence up to now but low cunning may creep in. He'll probably seek to extract some sort of payout as he's used to it now.

Mrskeats · 13/07/2020 22:40

I got sucked in by someone similar op. Luckily I didn't marry him. These people are very good at manipulating people. You can do much better.
Chalk this up as a lucky escape.

wildone84 · 13/07/2020 22:40

Hope you feel better tomorrow, OP.

xx

BumbleBeee69 · 13/07/2020 22:41

He sounds like he does want to marry you but realised after joking around that the joke had rushed it and with the financial agreement and Covid etc he'd rather just wait a bit to sort things

Oh FFS RTFT Confused

Puzzledandpissedoff · 13/07/2020 22:41

Before going to bed, you might want to put a key in the lock on the inside ... not always a wise thing to do, especially if you have glass in the door, but probably worthwhile here, in case he gets ideas about appearing in the night

Fruitsaladjelly · 13/07/2020 22:41

An ex wife AND an ex fiancée ... and now a ...what are you? Fiancée number 3? I have a hunch you can do better.

TwentyViginti · 13/07/2020 22:44

@nexus63

i would think very carefully about getting married to this guy, tell him you love him but would prefer to wait until he has everything sorted, keep the house in your name as you may regret it further down the line, if he really loves you and wants to get married he will be happy to wait, if he starts talking about rings and wedding just smile and say...let's see what happens
Er, that ship has sailed.

RTFT

JamMakingWannaBe · 13/07/2020 22:44

Keep posting OP. The folk on this board have a lot of advice as to what to expect your former DP to do next to worm his way back into your affections. Keep his nasty texts and re-read them if you have a wobble. Doesn't sound like you will though. You've done the best thing for you!

Doodar · 13/07/2020 22:45

What a mess, you’re making the right decision OP.

Crankley · 13/07/2020 22:46

Don't feel stupid OP. You're a brave woman and although I'm sure you're hurting, you have done exactly the right thing.

Wishing you all the best.

poppiesredfred · 13/07/2020 22:51

@Puzzledandpissedoff

Before going to bed, you might want to put a key in the lock on the inside ... not always a wise thing to do, especially if you have glass in the door, but probably worthwhile here, in case he gets ideas about appearing in the night
I will. I was worried he might be able to put a hand through the flap but I don't think so. I've chained it too.

He was so jolly at the start. Just what I needed. Then since he moved in, he changed to being unkind, playing tricks, moving my things etc but could be kind too.

I will post the ring, I think, reading advice on here. Yes, I've seen it before but not out of the box. I've taken it out now. It's more an eternity style. It's Hallmarked 9ct something Q but I can't make out what. It's 5 diamonds in a white gold band. No idea of value. He always said thousands. But I'll send it with the high compensation post anyway.

OP posts:
Frazzled2207 · 13/07/2020 22:52

This is indeed a mess but I'm impressed how calmly you seem to be taking in all this. Don't waste any more time on this one, you can do much better. Try and be civil until he has picked up his stuff and then get on with the rest of your life.

I've met someone at a low point in my life too, and needless to say that didn't end well either. Onwards and upwards.

mmgirish · 13/07/2020 22:53

Oh my goodness. OP, sounds like you've had a lucky escape. He sounds like a conman

Bunnymumy · 13/07/2020 22:54

You could even film yourself putting the ring into the package and handing it to the posty. Overkill perhaps but for extra extra peace of mind lol.

GilbertMarkham · 13/07/2020 22:55

We live together but the house is in my name as I bought it with my divorce settlement and an inheritance from my mother. He asked, in a casual conversation, how it could be made more equal and I said either I change the deeds or we get married, I think that's the only way. This proposal has come afterwards. He's been out of work for various periods of our relationship which is when I have paid his bills - trying to be supportive.

How it could be made more equal?

By him paying half on the value to you.

It's your house bought with your divorce settlement and inheritance; why the fk are you trying to essentially give him half of its value by changing the deeds to make him a co-owner or marrying him thereby giving him a good shot at half the value??!!

And you've it been in a relationship fir two years. That's not long at all.

He asked casually, did he?

That's nice.

I suppose it is important to ask "could you give me 100k (of a 200k house for example of your money?"

TwentyViginti · 13/07/2020 22:56

9ct isn't that expensive. Not in the thousands, nowhere near I'd have thought. Fine jewellery isn't my thing though.

GilbertMarkham · 13/07/2020 22:57

Looks like I should have read the full thread, has up.dustanced herself from this dude.

Thank the .....

He sounds like an on the make gold-digger.

QualityFeet · 13/07/2020 22:57

You have come a long way very quickly. There sis nothing embarrassing about someone else not being able to be a good enough person to have a relationship with. I think many people like this are rather than deliberately dangerous just selfish and incapable so the person you meet at the start can’t be sustained. They almost don’t have an authentic self - people who do keep expecting it to come back but they lack humanity.

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