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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He doesn't want to marry me, does he?

454 replies

poppiesredfred · 13/07/2020 18:42

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years and we live together. Back in April, he surprised me one morning when I came downstairs and he was playing a song on Alexa and said 'this would be a great first dance song at our wedding' and then pulled out a Haribo ring. He's a joker and I laughed and said 'yeah, would be amazing!' but he said he was serious. I spent the rest of the day in shock, asking him if he was serious as a) I know he loves me but I didn't think in a 'I want to be with you for the rest of my life' kind of way and b) he is such a joker. We've both been married before for context. Both marriages have had divorces finalised years ago and he's had a relationship since where they were engaged but never married as she wanted the ring but not him. She gave him the ring back when he asked.

He then said 'let's get married next year but we can't tell anyone yet though...I want to tell everyone at the end of the year'. I still can't fathom out why but I know he wants some sort of finance agreement with his ex finalised first and that appears to be the reason. There is also no ring.... he does, however, still have his ex's engagement ring in a box (v. expensive and was made to his specifications) upstairs. He has made no move to sell the ring, despite needing money at various points, and stating all of our relationship he wants to sell it asap. I've paid large bills for him during our relationship that this money would have helped towards.

He came to me a couple of weeks ago and asked me how I'd feel about a 'cheap ring'. I said fine, no problem - whatever you choose is fine by me because you've chosen it so I'll love it'. He said he wanted us to go together to a specific place (where the stone he wants is sold) to choose it together. We have a free weekend this weekend so I suggested we go to this place. At first he looked a bit 'deer in the headlights' by it, then came an hour later and said 'that's a great idea, we could choose it then go to this place and that restaurant etc'. All fine until today when he's backtracked completely and now wants to go nowhere near the place... this is after last night when we visited a local restaurant, he randomly told the waiter there 'might' be a big event next year, then corrected it to 'oh, there IS a big event' when he saw me sat there like Confused

I'm so puzzled and don't get it at all. I want the excitement of the man I love asking me to marry him and being able to share the joy with our family and friends. But it's all a big secret and no ring in sight.

What is going on? Can anyone enlighten me.....? Am I being led along?

OP posts:
Thehop · 13/07/2020 21:43

I’m so sorry you’re having a crappy time OP

You’re right about his reaction though. He’s hoping to frighten you into backtracking and begging him to come back. If he was genuine he’d have said “you’re right, this is very unbalanced. Ill take over all the housework to pull my weight whilst I Iook for a job and then well share all the bills.” This schoolboy strop is designed to panic you. Where will he go exactly? You support him the daft prannock.

He needs you far more than you need him. And he’s a chancer. You really are smarter than the others, don’t let him take you for a ride xx

OffThePlanet · 13/07/2020 21:44

Inequality in a house ownership can be resolved by him paying you half the value of your house.

Don’t be a fool OP by marrying this man you will be giving away half your house, you will regret it.

Be very thankful you don’t live in a country where if you live with a DP without marrying, they can still claim half your house if you break up.

PicsInRed · 13/07/2020 21:46

Put his things outside, put your key in the lock and change the locks in the morning. If he kicks off or tries to force entry, call the police.

Google abuser type: "The Victim" and also read Identfying Losers.

pro.psychcentral.com/recovery-expert/2019/01/types-of-abusers-the-victim/

www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

Andromache77 · 13/07/2020 21:46

Well, I'm sure that you're feeling awful now but at least you have your answer now, he's not worth it. As soon as you told him to carry his own weight he got angry and unpleasant. Just make sure that he moves out sooner than later to save yourself more ugly scenes and work on your self confidence. And good luck, at least you've only lost two years on him, not a lifetime (or half your assets).

Vodkacranberryplease · 13/07/2020 21:47

Just saw your post OP - well done. He's been rumbled and will make an almighty fuss in an attempt to get you to back down. You aren't the first woman to have this conversation with him so he will twist and turn and try and turn it around on you and say he had planned to do x and now you've spoiled it etc.

There will be plenty of emotional blackmail and indignation as you've seen, and anger as he makes you feel very uncomfortable. Then he will offer you a way out which involves dropping the subject and you continuing to pay and him pretending to want to get married.

Which to be fair he probably does so he can

poppiesredfred · 13/07/2020 21:47

In one of the texts, he said since I've nowhere to go, you leave me no choice but to stay at G's (his ex). I'm not responding.

OP posts:
poppiesredfred · 13/07/2020 21:48

Thank you everyone for everything. All the advice, kicks up the arse. It's been massively helpful.

OP posts:
Vodkacranberryplease · 13/07/2020 21:48

Get half your house. He just wants you to pay for it snd for it to happen when he's squeezed money out of his ex.

If there any way you can speak to her? I would want to if it were me.

TwentyViginti · 13/07/2020 21:48

OP we all posted in utter horror at what we were reading. If the posts seemed harsh - well, if you were my real life friend, I'd have let go both barrels I'd be so appalled! we wanted you to see what we do.

He won't let you go that easily, I'm afraid. He'll play you like a fiddle. He's angry because his meal ticket and half a house are disappearing......

He's off to regroup and work on strategies to get what he wants out of you. Be prepared.

Evelefteden · 13/07/2020 21:49

Don’t give him half your house. I think when you take that off the table you will see more of his true colours.

wildone84 · 13/07/2020 21:50

I'm glad you talked to him about this OP. His reaction definitely reinforces what many on this thread think.

I think the reason he gave about surprising his mother is total BS. Why would he put this on hold for his mother? Surely she'd be as delighted now as she would be then, if she wants him to be happy?

Don't let him make you feel guilty. If he really wants YOU (as opposed to your money), he'll get his finances sorted, pay his way, pay for some of the wedding and won't talk of you signing your assets over to him.

If you talk about this again with him, I'd also mention that you want a pre-nup or some sort of legally binding agreement about finances, before marrying and see what he says. I expect he might move on to his next target once he realises you're no fool.

Sorry OP.

PicsInRed · 13/07/2020 21:50

Also google "sunk cost fallacy".

I mean, sure, you've splashed some money up the wall supporting him, but you haven't lost half your house. So you're still quids in. Forget the money you've already spent. It's an expensive lesson - but you haven't done permanent financial damage to yourself. Yet.

Sunk costs. Don't throw good money after bad living in a fantasy that all will be well.

Vodkacranberryplease · 13/07/2020 21:50

He's staying at his exes??? The one he's trying to extract money from? Is there no end to his cheek? Does he think you'll be so jealous you'll beg him to come back and carry on as usual? Good lord.

PyongyangKipperbang · 13/07/2020 21:51

If the ex is daft enough to have him back, and lets hope she isnt, then more fool her.

Although I very much doubt he will be going there, its another tool to try and force you to back track. The idea of him spending the night at hers is meant to scare you into having him back in case they get back together. Be prepared for many more such messages......

BurtsBeesKnees · 13/07/2020 21:52

True colours most certainly are coming out. The text about the ex is simply a tactic to get a reaction from you. Just ignore

PicsInRed · 13/07/2020 21:52

@poppiesredfred

In one of the texts, he said since I've nowhere to go, you leave me no choice but to stay at G's (his ex). I'm not responding.
Is he curled up on the doormat? As if she'd let him in. 😂

Mate, he is assuredly sleeping in his car.

TwentyViginti · 13/07/2020 21:54

@poppiesredfred

In one of the texts, he said since I've nowhere to go, you leave me no choice but to stay at G's (his ex). I'm not responding.
Fabulous! he can fucking stay there and she can bankroll him.
lavenderlove · 13/07/2020 21:55

Please don't fall for his ex text, he's trying his best to make you ask him to come back. He's showing his true colours now he's realised that you are on to him

MaeDanvers · 13/07/2020 21:56

Hey, well done for listening to your gut. He is laying it on thick with the nastiness and a nice touch of trying to freak you out by implying he'll go and stay with his ex. I'm sure she is wise to his ways since they are no longer together - hopefully, she won't stand for it either.

MadCattery · 13/07/2020 21:58

I broke up with my high school sweetheart and moved on in life. Married, had a (now grown) son and a house. After first marriage broke up (and ex died) I met up with old high school love and we are now married. I own my house free and clear, and DH would be HORRIFIED to think it should go to him, or have his name on it. He knows this home was paid for by my first husband and me, and wouldn’t try to put a claim on it! But he’s lived in it over a decade with me, and we are married. So... My will gives him “life estate” with the remainder to my son. DH has the security of knowing this will always be his home, but it would not then pass to his nephew or sister, but will go to my son. My son loves DH, and wouldn’t ever try to put him out! We found a solution that works for us, and protects us all.

dooratheexplorer · 13/07/2020 21:58

You need to kick him to the kerb.

What is he actually contributing to the relationship? It sounds like you have been bank rolling him for the last year or so. Expect that to continue if you stay together.

morefun · 13/07/2020 21:58

Urgh

When this "staying at the ex's" bullshit doesn't wash, he will start to apologise and say how much he loves you, he was just sooooo hurt that you don't trust him.

wildone84 · 13/07/2020 21:59

And if you do iron things out with him, tell him that he won't be going on the deeds to the house unless he gives you 50% of its value.

A friend of mine got married to a gold digger in his 30s. When they married, he had an almost paid off house worth £250,000 and she only contributed £11,000 to it before it got paid off shortly after they married.

A few years later, she cheated on my friend with her ex and left him. And because they were married she took £125,000 of the house, they'd not even been together that long. He worked really hard in his 20s to get that house paid off, making many sacrifices. And this woman walked off with half of the house, after having put so little into it. She and her ex,(who she left him for) are now living on his money.

He can't believe how stupid he was, trusting her and not protecting himself financially. He was set up for life, and now he's not. He kicks himself all the time.

Please protect yourself and listen to your instincts.

Lordamighty · 13/07/2020 21:59

Well done OP the scales have fallen from your eyes. No wonder he is annoyed, the game is up for him.
No one should be asking how to make things more equal when they have absolutely nothing to offer in return except the pathetic offer of a secret engagement.

MrsBobDylan · 13/07/2020 22:00

Like a pp I also think the ring is fake. It's a classic scam - valuable asset which will release it's cash ASAP, n the meantime, loan made/money given. Valuable asset never releases it's cash.

The only value to that ring is the money it's encouraged you to give him op.

I'm glad you followed up your instinct and asked MN. You have been very brave and now just need to steel yourself for his full on con man charm as he desperately tries to revive his scam.

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