He doesn't want to marry me, does he?

[poppiesredfred]

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years and we live together. Back in April, he surprised me one morning when I came downstairs and he was playing a song on Alexa and said 'this would be a great first dance song at our wedding' and then pulled out a Haribo ring. He's a joker and I laughed and said 'yeah, would be amazing!' but he said he was serious. I spent the rest of the day in shock, asking him if he was serious as a) I know he loves me but I didn't think in a 'I want to be with you for the rest of my life' kind of way and b) he is such a joker. We've both been married before for context. Both marriages have had divorces finalised years ago and he's had a relationship since where they were engaged but never married as she wanted the ring but not him. She gave him the ring back when he asked.

He then said 'let's get married next year but we can't tell anyone yet though...I want to tell everyone at the end of the year'. I still can't fathom out why but I know he wants some sort of finance agreement with his ex finalised first and that appears to be the reason. There is also no ring.... he does, however, still have his ex's engagement ring in a box (v. expensive and was made to his specifications) upstairs. He has made no move to sell the ring, despite needing money at various points, and stating all of our relationship he wants to sell it asap. I've paid large bills for him during our relationship that this money would have helped towards.

He came to me a couple of weeks ago and asked me how I'd feel about a 'cheap ring'. I said fine, no problem - whatever you choose is fine by me because you've chosen it so I'll love it'. He said he wanted us to go together to a specific place (where the stone he wants is sold) to choose it together. We have a free weekend this weekend so I suggested we go to this place. At first he looked a bit 'deer in the headlights' by it, then came an hour later and said 'that's a great idea, we could choose it then go to this place and that restaurant etc'. All fine until today when he's backtracked completely and now wants to go nowhere near the place... this is after last night when we visited a local restaurant, he randomly told the waiter there 'might' be a big event next year, then corrected it to 'oh, there IS a big event' when he saw me sat there like

I'm so puzzled and don't get it at all. I want the excitement of the man I love asking me to marry him and being able to share the joy with our family and friends. But it's all a big secret and no ring in sight.

What is going on? Can anyone enlighten me.....? Am I being led along?

[DrinkFeckArseGirls]

There was a guy I dated once, erm, 14 years ago. For my birthday he tried giving me an old book of his and only after HIS friend enquired if he did anything for my birthday. Then someone told me he often thought to take me out but it would be a waste money because I ate so little 🤷‍♀️
(After we broke up he apologised and admitted he treated me badly.)

What I’m saying is don’t let him treat you like you’re not worth it because that’s what he’a doing. And that line about you paying for the venue?! Jog on mate. So now he’s pushing the narrative you wanted to get married, not him too.

[cakecakecheese]

This has the makings of a story you read about in Take a Break. Insist on a pre nup and see his reaction...

[MidnightCitrus]

Jesus Christ - dont dont DONT marry him

kick him out

[LJenn]

Look OP you've been though enough without having to deal with another mess. He's a grown man. Let him pay for himself, let him get himself out of his own messes & I CANNOT stress this enough... do not give him half of your home. Don't even give him the impression it would be up for discussion. Protect yourself 💪🏻

[BendyLikeBeckham]

OP, i agree with what everyone else has said.

Please work on your self esteem and think about how you ended up in this relationship. You need to get out before he rinses or headfucks you any more.

And no more handouts.

[LJenn]

Exactly what @cakecakecheese said. Prenup and see what happens 👌🏻👌🏻

[Redwinestillfine]

You are trusting your gut and not over reacting. You won't go far wrong op. Good luck.

[wildone84]

@LJenn

Exactly what *@cakecakecheese* said. Prenup and see what happens 👌🏻👌🏻

I don't think prenups are legally binding in the UK? Personally I'd ask him to move out.

[AllTheWhoresOfMalta]

I ain’t saying he a good digger but he ain’t messing with no broke divorcee.

[PicsInRed]

Dont bother with a prenup, just dont marry him.

A grifter like this will know how to self rep in court and will send you broke defending his divorce and finances case just to spite you.

Ensure there never IS a divorce and finances case. By not marrying him.

[queenofknives]

Run away as fast as you can.

[BendyLikeBeckham]

@AllTheWhoresOfMalta

I ain’t saying he a good digger but he ain’t messing with no broke divorcee.

[PicsInRed]

And for christ sake don't put his name on the deeds.

Lovely, in this case, being pathetic really will be a choice.

[LOTTIE881]

OP you sound lovely, he sounds utterly dreadful. He is stringing you along and by the sounds of it taking great pleasure in doing so. He is using you for your financial security and dangling the whole ‘marriage’ thing in front of your face as bait - from just one short paragraph as an insight into your life it is clear as day for everyone reading.

He is wasting your time and you need to get rid, you are funding his life and for what benefit to you? I really feel sorry for you as you sound genuine and lovely if a bit naive.

[HollowTalk]

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years and we live together.

I've paid for pretty much everything over the two years.

He asked, in a casual conversation, how it could be made more equal and I said either I change the deeds or we get married, I think that's the only way. This proposal has come afterwards.

OP, can you see that financially this is an incredibly abusive relationship? He is a master manipulator. He got you when you were at a low ebb. He's told you a load of rubbish about his financial past. He's in and out of jobs - MASSIVE RED FLAG - wants you to have a cheap engagement ring when you've funded him ever since you've met him...

Honestly, I would dump this man, get some counselling and not date again until you're in a much better place. I feel for you - you sound really lovely - but this man won't be happy until you've signed over your home to him. AND he still doesn't think it's worth marrying you! He's a bastard.

[Thisismytimetoshine]

Are you nuts? He's moved into your house and asked how he could get his mitts on some of the equity (making the ownership more equal?!)!!
Show him the door, fgs.

[ThreeFish]

I really hope the scales have fallen from your eyes. It's really obvious to everyone reading what you have written.
He's just after your money and half your house. Sorry.

[JavaQ]

the house is in my name as I bought it with my divorce settlement and an inheritance from my mother. He asked, in a casual conversation, how it could be made more equal and I said either I change the deeds or we get married, I think that's the only way.

He is a GOLD DIGGER. Run for the hills. Seriously.
More red flags than a communist get together

[billy1966]

He wants to know how HER property can be more equal in the relationship after she pays for everything for two years plus some of his big bills....

Some women just cannot be helped.

They won't be happy until they are taken for every penny they have.

So sad to read.

[PyongyangKipperbang]

@AllTheWhoresOfMalta

You might be saying he's a gold digger, but I fucking am.

I wonder if the reason the ex is reluctant to sell is because it was a similar situation. Her house, she changed to shared ownership, they split up and now he wants half the house she paid for.......

Be VERY VERY careful of this one. Do you have any kids? I would be tempted to say that you have decided to put the house in trust for your children to protect it from any future care fees (say...) and see what his reaction is.

[poppiesredfred]

I have already said I've listened and read everything and it's confirmed what the little voice inside me has been saying but I've been too stupid to listen to. That it's not real. I've also said I'm talking to him tonight to say I want to put all talk on hold until he's sorted his finances and past relationship so I'm unsure why you've posted what you have.

I've spoken with him which didn't go well. He said 'so basically, you don't trust me. Thanks for making me feel like shit. You know I've been unlucky workwise and I thought you understood but obviously not' he said the reason he wants to wait until the end of the year is it's mother's birthday and he wants to surprise her. He said he bought his ex an expensive ring and 'look where that got him'. I said that talk of marriage needs to stop as it feels wrong and not real and we must iron out our finances first if we are to be together because I can't afford to keep paying bills for us both. Hes said he's got no money so what's the point. He's driven off angry and has sent three very unpleasant texts but I haven't replied or risen to his reaction - it's actually further cemented what my gut was saying. I'm glad he's revealed his true colours before I got further sucked in. I think I just didn't want to see.

[PyongyangKipperbang]

Might *not

[PyongyangKipperbang]

Oh that is classic.....

When cornered its all about making you feel guilty and apologising so that he can worm his way back in and you end up giving even more in an attempt to appease him.

When that didnt work the anger comes out.

Chuck him out love, do yourself a favour and get rid. Glad you are seeing him for what he is. Good luck

[poppiesredfred]

The first part of my last post was in response to Blanca87

[Vodkacranberryplease]

This isn't adding up. He has an expensive ring but wants you to get a cheap one. That you buy.
He wants to get married but then he's stalling and he wants you to pay.
He only had 'weird shares' as a settlement which he's yet to receive.

Here's what I think.
The ring if it exists is a fake. Take it to jeweller if you don't believe me.
The shares have plummeted in value and are now worthless.
There is no settlement coming. But he's still holding out for one two years on and doesn't want to jeopardise it by getting engaged to you. Who does that?? He's a grown man and is looking for a handout from the ex when he put nothing in - and he probably wasn't working most of the time then either.

Now you feel like you don't know what to believe as you think you are in a good relationship and here we all are saying otherwise. So the only way to find out is to stop paying. Not sure you would charge rent but he should be paying at least half the bills plus treats if he's living rent free. You also need to arrange for him to pay you back the money he owes.

You need to tell him he has to work full time and contribute. The thing about men in these situations is it might start out harmlessly enough but then you as the giver will start to experience resentment from him. You would think it would be gratitude but that's not how the human mind works. Then it becomes infantilising and he feels more like a child than a lover and then it's all downhill from there on.

You if course feel like a fool and don't want to tell anyone or talk about it because you are embarrassed and like he's just used you. Plus you know what your friends will say.

So even up things financially, stop bailing him out, split the bills and set up a plan for him to pay you back. Also give him a month to find and keep a full time job. He shouldn't put you in this position - you are not his mum.

And I would not marry him under any circumstances. But you know that. If he takes half of your house you will not have a way to earn that money easily. You're already putting your future at risk. This is too important to just let slide.