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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He doesn't want to marry me, does he?

454 replies

poppiesredfred · 13/07/2020 18:42

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years and we live together. Back in April, he surprised me one morning when I came downstairs and he was playing a song on Alexa and said 'this would be a great first dance song at our wedding' and then pulled out a Haribo ring. He's a joker and I laughed and said 'yeah, would be amazing!' but he said he was serious. I spent the rest of the day in shock, asking him if he was serious as a) I know he loves me but I didn't think in a 'I want to be with you for the rest of my life' kind of way and b) he is such a joker. We've both been married before for context. Both marriages have had divorces finalised years ago and he's had a relationship since where they were engaged but never married as she wanted the ring but not him. She gave him the ring back when he asked.

He then said 'let's get married next year but we can't tell anyone yet though...I want to tell everyone at the end of the year'. I still can't fathom out why but I know he wants some sort of finance agreement with his ex finalised first and that appears to be the reason. There is also no ring.... he does, however, still have his ex's engagement ring in a box (v. expensive and was made to his specifications) upstairs. He has made no move to sell the ring, despite needing money at various points, and stating all of our relationship he wants to sell it asap. I've paid large bills for him during our relationship that this money would have helped towards.

He came to me a couple of weeks ago and asked me how I'd feel about a 'cheap ring'. I said fine, no problem - whatever you choose is fine by me because you've chosen it so I'll love it'. He said he wanted us to go together to a specific place (where the stone he wants is sold) to choose it together. We have a free weekend this weekend so I suggested we go to this place. At first he looked a bit 'deer in the headlights' by it, then came an hour later and said 'that's a great idea, we could choose it then go to this place and that restaurant etc'. All fine until today when he's backtracked completely and now wants to go nowhere near the place... this is after last night when we visited a local restaurant, he randomly told the waiter there 'might' be a big event next year, then corrected it to 'oh, there IS a big event' when he saw me sat there like Confused

I'm so puzzled and don't get it at all. I want the excitement of the man I love asking me to marry him and being able to share the joy with our family and friends. But it's all a big secret and no ring in sight.

What is going on? Can anyone enlighten me.....? Am I being led along?

OP posts:
MadamBatty · 13/07/2020 20:33

tell somebody you trust IRL, their reaction will tell you all you need to know.

JosephineDeBeauharnais · 13/07/2020 20:34

Bet the ex fiancée could tell an interesting tale. As pp said, he’s fighting her for money that isn’t his, and then he’ll fight you for yours. This is his job, that’s why he doesn’t work.

TwentyViginti · 13/07/2020 20:35

I doubt OP will be back. She's in a romantic dream, and this thread is telling her the reality.

ballsdeep · 13/07/2020 20:36

Why are you living together if either one of you think it's not a forever thing?

I'd be annoyed about the ring. He should sell it .

Leflic · 13/07/2020 20:36

You could already tell from the opening post he’s a cocklodger and I’ve not read the updates.
Move him out pronto. If he truly loves you the relationship will be fine. Chances are he’ll flounce and that will be that.

cantarina · 13/07/2020 20:38

People marry for lots of reasons. I don't believe a bit of paper changes anything romantically. I married because I had a child with my DH and I wanted to be married for my child's sake. I also have a narcissistic father who would have been able to delve in if I was seriously ill or dead and I wanted to prevent that, this was perhaps the main reason for me. A good friend of mine was really shafted by her partners family when he died and that taught me the lesson on the importance of marriage - I trust my DH so much more than my dad, I've known him most of my life.

I came to my marriage with more than my husband and I kept my house in my name only. But now being married, if I die it passes to my husband without inheritance tax. If we divorce there will be a reckoning based on what we brought to the marriage.

What would your reasons be to get married? What would happen if it didn't work out? This guy already has a couple of failed relationships behind him. And he still has the cheek to blow hot and cold about committing to you and talking about getting you a cheap ring when he has let you bail him out repeatedly. Look after yourself both emotionally and financially.

I would put money on him ramping up his interest if you suddenly indicate you don't want to go ahead or aren't sure.

Queenest · 13/07/2020 20:38

The inequality in your relationship is that you have a house and he has absolutely nothing to bring to the table.

He needs to even up his side of the partnership to match yours. Not take from you.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 13/07/2020 20:40

Actually OP, I'm very cross on your behalf... why the hell do you want to marry HIM? What is so marvellous about this using man who takes and takes from you and would take more if he could? His eyes are on your money and house, make no mistake about that.

Why do so many women anguish about whether 'their man' wants to marry them? Surely, they should realise their own worth and ponder whether THEY want to marry said man? It's very sad. Angry:(

MissConductUS · 13/07/2020 20:42

Men like this should be dropped naked onto the arctic tundra, just to test their cocklodging skills. OP, I think the one you found would have polar bears cooking for him and building him an igloo in no time.

I'm sure he's quite fond of you, but you are primarily a meal ticket and a chance to asset up for him. If he wants to be on the deed for your house he should pay you half its market value.

Tistheseason17 · 13/07/2020 20:42

Do not marry thus cock lodger.
He only asked as he sees £ signs for doing literally nothing!
Step away from the selfish greedy man.

LesLavandes · 13/07/2020 20:47

Alarm bells shrieking!

Run OP. For your own sake and wellbeing

BurtsBeesKnees · 13/07/2020 20:47

He's after your house op. He's probably done it before and that's why he's having issues with the last property with his ex wife. I bet he duped her and they are involved in a legal battle over him trying to get his hands on equity. Do you have any proof on what he's told you about why it's taking so long. I mean concrete proof, not just what he's told you

Mummacake · 13/07/2020 20:47

Don't do it. You can have whatever you want.......so long as you are willing to pay for it. He's just a cocklodger who wants something for nothing. Not content with you paying his bills, he's happy to relieve you of your assets. I'd ask him to move out and sort himself out. If he wants equal, let it be equal without marriage. This is dodgy AF.

Fluffycloudland77 · 13/07/2020 20:47

I agree with what everyone else said. Sounds really awful.

laidbacklife · 13/07/2020 20:50

He sounds like a waste of time. Why did he ask his ex for the ring back? Very poor form. Then he actually had the audacity to ask if you'd be ok with a 'cheap ring'??? The mind boggles.
Sorry OP, get shot while you can. You're heading into a lifetime of disappointments and insecurity if not.

AuntyFungal · 13/07/2020 20:53

You are paying your boyfriend to be in a relationship with you.

How do you like being a ‘John’?

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 13/07/2020 20:53

Oh dear lord. Don’t give him half of your house, I mean marry him Hmm
I wouldn’t spend few years with him either. You’re clearly not quite there yet but the sooner you dump him the better.
I think you’re both too old for jokes like that.

kazzer2867 · 13/07/2020 20:54

@Blanca87

The op is not interested in the sage advice given as she is only responding to messages that are not 'what the fuck are you doing' or 'he is a cocklodger'. Good luck op, you have been given advice that is sound but choose to ignore. I feel for you because you are most likely going to be fucked over. I hope it works out for you, love.

^^This.

If you are still reading, I would give you one piece of advice. Please protect yourself and your property. I know someone whose father passed away last year. He had moved his partner of less than a year in with him. When he passed away three years later with no will, she was able to claim a beneficial interest in the property. My friend had grown up in that property, but it had to be sold to settle the claim.

If you want to continue living with this cocklodger, please make sure you have a valid will in place. Do not put him on the deeds. Do not accept any payments from him towards your mortgage. Do not marry him (though this looks unlikely). Get a formal cohabitation agreement drawn up by a solicitor. The best decision would be to get rid of this user.

ticktackted · 13/07/2020 20:56

I'm sorry OP but it sounds very dodgy to me. Like it's possibly a repeated pattern of behaviour around money and commitment to access money. I'm very glad to see you've decided not to marry him yet, but honestly please review the relationship and what he has to offer you, as it sounds very unequal to me.

crimsonlake · 13/07/2020 20:57

It astounds me what some people will put up with just to be in a relationship...
Truth be told sorting out the finances with his ex has nothing to do with your situation going forward. If it ended up in court your financial situation does not go in to consideration.
How can you enjoy being in a relationship where you need to pay for everything??

Jayaywhynot · 13/07/2020 20:57

Just read all your posts.
Some serious red flags flying.
I wouldn't be worried about if he wanted to marry me, I'd be more concerned about actually marrying him.
Hes messing with your head, he wants financial equality in the property you own that he didnt contribute to, he has periods of unemployment leaving you to pay his Bill's and presumably put the roof over his head and food in his mouth, he talks about getting engaged and married but wants you to keep it a secret and has unspecified financial issues with his ex which he hopes ( 2 Hope's, no hope and bob hope) to get 30k from.
Run for the hills would be my advice, marry him and you could end up having to use your house to pay him off if you give him an equal share, youd be daft to do that

Sunrise234 · 13/07/2020 20:57

Do you think he is still interested in his ex?

There are some very dodgy things that can maybe be explained ( eg. he wants to wait to tell people when he can afford a decent ring and has proposed properly etc) but him keeping his ex's ring is a big red flag and really strange! He's also holding out because of some apparent financial agreement of his ex - it just sounds like he's holding out for his ex.

It wouldn't surprise me that if the morning he proposed he had just found out she was in a new relationship and wanted to 'get back at her' but now the damage is done so he's trying to get out of it.

Don't let someone make you feel like your forcing them to marry you.

Isthisit22 · 13/07/2020 20:58

It is so obvious.
He has spelled out to you- he was to 'get it done' ie have a cheap wedding so that he can get half of your house.
He does not want to tell anyone because he doesn't really love you.
I'm sorry but you are just money to him

HollowTalk · 13/07/2020 21:00

@poppiesredfred

We live together but the house is in my name as I bought it with my divorce settlement and an inheritance from my mother. He asked, in a casual conversation, how it could be made more equal and I said either I change the deeds or we get married, I think that's the only way. This proposal has come afterwards. He's been out of work for various periods of our relationship which is when I have paid his bills - trying to be supportive.
Alarm bells are deafening me. He's had your money and now he wants your house. FFS wake up!
Guiltypleasures001 · 13/07/2020 21:01

I'm sorry op

It sounds like you've been had, I hope he doesn't owe you too much
I hope he pays for his board