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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He doesn't want to marry me, does he?

454 replies

poppiesredfred · 13/07/2020 18:42

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years and we live together. Back in April, he surprised me one morning when I came downstairs and he was playing a song on Alexa and said 'this would be a great first dance song at our wedding' and then pulled out a Haribo ring. He's a joker and I laughed and said 'yeah, would be amazing!' but he said he was serious. I spent the rest of the day in shock, asking him if he was serious as a) I know he loves me but I didn't think in a 'I want to be with you for the rest of my life' kind of way and b) he is such a joker. We've both been married before for context. Both marriages have had divorces finalised years ago and he's had a relationship since where they were engaged but never married as she wanted the ring but not him. She gave him the ring back when he asked.

He then said 'let's get married next year but we can't tell anyone yet though...I want to tell everyone at the end of the year'. I still can't fathom out why but I know he wants some sort of finance agreement with his ex finalised first and that appears to be the reason. There is also no ring.... he does, however, still have his ex's engagement ring in a box (v. expensive and was made to his specifications) upstairs. He has made no move to sell the ring, despite needing money at various points, and stating all of our relationship he wants to sell it asap. I've paid large bills for him during our relationship that this money would have helped towards.

He came to me a couple of weeks ago and asked me how I'd feel about a 'cheap ring'. I said fine, no problem - whatever you choose is fine by me because you've chosen it so I'll love it'. He said he wanted us to go together to a specific place (where the stone he wants is sold) to choose it together. We have a free weekend this weekend so I suggested we go to this place. At first he looked a bit 'deer in the headlights' by it, then came an hour later and said 'that's a great idea, we could choose it then go to this place and that restaurant etc'. All fine until today when he's backtracked completely and now wants to go nowhere near the place... this is after last night when we visited a local restaurant, he randomly told the waiter there 'might' be a big event next year, then corrected it to 'oh, there IS a big event' when he saw me sat there like Confused

I'm so puzzled and don't get it at all. I want the excitement of the man I love asking me to marry him and being able to share the joy with our family and friends. But it's all a big secret and no ring in sight.

What is going on? Can anyone enlighten me.....? Am I being led along?

OP posts:
FatherBrownsBicycle · 13/07/2020 19:48

@poppiesredfred

I said to him today 'none of this feels real. There's no ring, no -one knows....' and he just sat silently. Last weekend we saw somewhere it would be good to have a reception and he said 'if it's what you want, book it but can you pay for it' Confused he also wants to find somewhere to be married and keeps asking me to contact them so we can 'hurry up and get it rubber stamped'. I just don't get the whole head fuck to be honest! Hot on some things, cold on others.... it just feels weird.
Jobless, expensive asset he won’t sell and he’s proposed only after you’ve said you can change the deeds or get married.

Can’t you really not see it?

poppiesredfred · 13/07/2020 19:48

@Howyiz

Why does he need a financial settlement from his ex fiancee? And as others have already stated stop paying for him! You've only known him 2 years and in that time he has had 'a few periods of unemployment'. He must be great in bed! Confused
They still have property that they shared during their relationship that has not been sold. I think he thinks he will get around 30K in weird shares between a few people once sold but it's all dragging on and she's reluctant to sell etc.

He came into the relationship with nothing at all, not a penny, but I accepted that as he was upfront. I've paid for pretty much everything over the two years.

OP posts:
EKGEMS · 13/07/2020 19:49

Are you drunk? Seriously my dear you are financially stable but appear to have your beer goggles on in this fucked up situation!!Drink a pot of black coffee and reread this thread

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/07/2020 19:49

I am wondering if you met him when you were at a low point in your life.
It would not surprise me if this was the case.

TwentyViginti · 13/07/2020 19:51

I've paid for pretty much everything over the two years

And will continue to do so until he fucks off with half the proceeds of YOUR house.

poppiesredfred · 13/07/2020 19:51

I'm reading and listening very carefully to what you are all saying and you've confirmed what the little voice inside me is saying. It's not real. I'm going to sit him down shortly and say what was said earlier - get everything sorted FIRST, no more talk of marriage or financial equality, then if you still want to, ask me in a few years once things are more sorted out. I'm really grateful to everyone who has responded. I can't talk to anyone obviously as we aren't meant to be telling anyone so thank you all very much. I just needed perspective and help to remove the scales from my eyes.

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 13/07/2020 19:52

Anyone else think his ex wife also had her own house? Which he's going to receive a settlement on the post divorce sale of? Perhaps the last "fiance" put him on the deeds too?

He doesn't want to be married and share assets with OP. He want on the deeds of OP's house so he keeps his divorce settlement (and any other settlements) and also gets half OP's house. That's why he's delaying. He'll dangle the phantom "engagement" whilst working on getting his name on the deeds. To make it "equal". The entitled, narcissistic, cocklodging twat. 😂

Don't do it OP. He's a certified grifter. I'm sure he's good at what he does, but that isn't worth half a house.

TwentyViginti · 13/07/2020 19:52

OP is either cockstruck or a rescuer is my guess.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/07/2020 19:52

He’s bloody good at manipulating you and your feelings isn’t he, he is right up there amongst the more skilled cocklodgers. He’s managed to mooch off you fully for the past two years!!. He really did hit paydirt when he met you didn’t he?.

poppiesredfred · 13/07/2020 19:53

@AttilaTheMeerkat

I am wondering if you met him when you were at a low point in your life. It would not surprise me if this was the case.
Yes, I did. A really low point and you are spot on with your insight.
OP posts:
QueSera · 13/07/2020 19:54

I've paid for pretty much everything over the two years.

OP I despair, I really do despair.
Get rid of this user. Please. And please don't let anyone take advantage of you like this ever again.

pickingdaisies · 13/07/2020 19:55

Yeah, don't marry him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/07/2020 19:56

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Are you a rescuer and or saviour in relationships?. It appears that yes you are

Remove those scales from your eyes and love your own self for a change. See him for what he really is, a grifter, cocklodger and moocher. You remind me of the saying, “ a fool and their money too are soon parted”.

category12 · 13/07/2020 19:56

That's a good.

Now FGS stop bailing him out and have him stand on his own two feet.He's a full grown adult man.

He needs to sell that ring since he's clearly no intention of giving it to you. Has he any shame about mooching off you and letting you pay for him, and paying stuff off for him when he could have sold that?

Lysianthus · 13/07/2020 19:57

@LJenn

He's after your assets OP. That's just odd behaviour. Do NOT pay for anything else, and do NOT let this man get his hands on YOUR home. I
This. With bells on. (And no wedding bells either...)

Sorry, I agree with pps on this. Much as I’d love the romantic happy ending, it won’t be with this man. 💐

RantyAnty · 13/07/2020 19:58

How much money do you think you have paid for him in the past 2 years?

I'm curious what his large bills were too?

I'm wondering if this is how he gets money. gets in a marriage/relationship, they end up putting him on the deeds. Things end and he walks off with a pot of money.

Headandheart · 13/07/2020 19:58

Is he working? Is he saving? Is he contributing to your joint living expenses?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/07/2020 19:58

Yep you got well and truly targeted by a cocklodger and sadly too when you were at a low point in your life also. This man is despicable indeed to have done this to you.

Crystalspider · 13/07/2020 20:00

I wouldn't push for a proposal even if he suggested it, 2 years isn't really that long either for an engagement to happen.
I would step back completely from mentioning it and see what his actions are.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 13/07/2020 20:01

No-one loves you more than a man who needs somewhere to live.

Blanca87 · 13/07/2020 20:04

The op is not interested in the sage advice given as she is only responding to messages that are not 'what the fuck are you doing' or 'he is a cocklodger'. Good luck op, you have been given advice that is sound but choose to ignore. I feel for you because you are most likely going to be fucked over. I hope it works out for you, love.

KatherineJaneway · 13/07/2020 20:06

@LJenn

The proposal came shortly after he asks you how he can get his hands on 50% of YOUR house????? I hate to be sceptical but that is dodgy as F... sorry OP😭😭
This ^^
fflelp · 13/07/2020 20:07

It's not real. I'm going to sit him down shortly and say what was said earlier - get everything sorted FIRST, no more talk of marriage or financial equality, then if you still want to, ask me in a few years once things are more sorted out.

And while you're at it, you can tell him to get himself a job and stick at it. If he can't do that then he needs to do one completely - out of your house. I appreciate it's hard with corona at the moment but his dodgy employment history started before that.
Also tell him you aren't bailing him out anymore. He needs to sort out his own finances.

Viviennemary · 13/07/2020 20:08

Why has he still got his ex's engagement ring. Wouldn't she keep that. He's playing silly games and it isnt kind. I don't know what is in his mind. I assumed you were both very young but you've both been married before. I think you should call it a day with this joker. But only you know.

Techway · 13/07/2020 20:08

He was asking casually how inequality in house ownership in a relationship could be resolved

There is nothing casual about that.. he has owned at least one house so knows the score. I bet he planned conversation casually.

It is hard to believe but some people really are that manipulative that they would stay with someone for money. Especially if they have nothing...I am sure you are a nice person but he doesn't look like a good bet. A marriage, ex financee and zero to his name. Alarm bells are ringing.

Tell him you are giving your house to nieces, cats home, etc anyone but him to test his loyalty.