He doesn't want to marry me, does he?

[poppiesredfred]

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years and we live together. Back in April, he surprised me one morning when I came downstairs and he was playing a song on Alexa and said 'this would be a great first dance song at our wedding' and then pulled out a Haribo ring. He's a joker and I laughed and said 'yeah, would be amazing!' but he said he was serious. I spent the rest of the day in shock, asking him if he was serious as a) I know he loves me but I didn't think in a 'I want to be with you for the rest of my life' kind of way and b) he is such a joker. We've both been married before for context. Both marriages have had divorces finalised years ago and he's had a relationship since where they were engaged but never married as she wanted the ring but not him. She gave him the ring back when he asked.

He then said 'let's get married next year but we can't tell anyone yet though...I want to tell everyone at the end of the year'. I still can't fathom out why but I know he wants some sort of finance agreement with his ex finalised first and that appears to be the reason. There is also no ring.... he does, however, still have his ex's engagement ring in a box (v. expensive and was made to his specifications) upstairs. He has made no move to sell the ring, despite needing money at various points, and stating all of our relationship he wants to sell it asap. I've paid large bills for him during our relationship that this money would have helped towards.

He came to me a couple of weeks ago and asked me how I'd feel about a 'cheap ring'. I said fine, no problem - whatever you choose is fine by me because you've chosen it so I'll love it'. He said he wanted us to go together to a specific place (where the stone he wants is sold) to choose it together. We have a free weekend this weekend so I suggested we go to this place. At first he looked a bit 'deer in the headlights' by it, then came an hour later and said 'that's a great idea, we could choose it then go to this place and that restaurant etc'. All fine until today when he's backtracked completely and now wants to go nowhere near the place... this is after last night when we visited a local restaurant, he randomly told the waiter there 'might' be a big event next year, then corrected it to 'oh, there IS a big event' when he saw me sat there like

I'm so puzzled and don't get it at all. I want the excitement of the man I love asking me to marry him and being able to share the joy with our family and friends. But it's all a big secret and no ring in sight.

What is going on? Can anyone enlighten me.....? Am I being led along?

OP, you've done so well today. I bet he's furious that his flurry of horrible messages haven't had the desired effect, he must have thought you'd beg him to come home and be full of remorse when he suggested he would fuck off back to his ex. He's had a great ride over the past 2 years hasn't he? Free lodgings, sex on tap, lifestyle financed and bills paid. And of course the satisfaction of knowing he would soon own half a house with absolutely no graft put in paying the mortgage off himself. All whilst having you feeling grateful, as if he was the prize! I feel quite gleeful that his little tin pot man plan has been scuppered. Please do not waver.

This

@poppiesredfred hope you sleep well you’ve done so well don’t look back. I wish you a happy future

MYbe you're beginning to understand why his more recent ex didn't ant him? Clue: it was nothing to do with only wanting the ring.

Well done @poppiesredfred. Don't feel too down on yourself, we've all been taken or had rubbish relationships at some point. You listened to your inner voice, got confirmation here and acted on it before the financial damage was too great.

Tomorrow you move on without that stone around your neck.

He asked me casually in relation to his previous relationship how he could have had a more equal share. I said if you'd married or been on the deeds. He then asked how OUR situation would be more equal and I said by either me changing the deeds or getting married. It was done factually, in context of the discussion he brought up, not as a suggestion by me.

But you considered his subsequent marriage proposal.

I'm not trying to be offensive btw, just point out the danger.

Anyway he sounds not only like a leech and conman, but quite a dumb conman ... Has to ask you how he could have gotten more out of his exes and how he could potentially get more out of you

Then proposes to you very shortly after you've told him it's one of two ways to get hand your property (oh sorry to be on an "equal footing", without equal contribution).

*half

I'm still having a bit of a laugh about his statement that he's been "unlucky workwise"😂

Hi op

Second hand white gold 9ct eternity ring probably .50 carots size Q
About £800 new, half that second hand

He's lied about the ring and value sorry lovely

@poppiesredfred

I just hope I haven't had any cards or loans taken out in my name.
Check with one of the credit check companies like Experian or Equifax.

Last weekend we saw somewhere it would be good to have a reception and he said 'if it's what you want, book it but can you pay for it' he also wants to find somewhere to be married and keeps asking me to contact them so we can 'hurry up and get it rubber stamped'
Theres's romantic - "rubber stamped" huh? I'm sorry he targeted you OP. He quite consciously used you as an easy billet before seeing how soon he could get his hands on your property. He's had a good run so far, on YOUR money. Thank goodness you checked out the situation with the very savvy people on MN before going further. Shame about the £6000 he now owes you which you stand little/no chance of getting back (I'm assuming you didn't get him to sign anything legally binding) - but lesson learned and cheaper than losing half your home to him.

He did try to pay me back on an instalment plan of £250 a month but he's not been able to keep to it over recent months
That was just a hook to keep you keen OP. He never had any intention of paying you back.

I'm embarrassed but I was lonely. I see how easily sucked in a lonely person like I was could be.
Thank goodness you listened to that little bell ringing and reached out for help. He saw your vulnerabilities and latched onto you. It doesn't sound like you were the first and you won't be the last. Perhaps be a little more cynical next time though, sadly.

Strength OP. You will get through this. 🌹

The ring is not expensive or it will have been a solitaire style diamond. It sounds like a basic ring you could get a Michael Hill Jeweller/Proud’s/Goldmark (Aus). I highly doubt the diamonds are of high quality to be in a 9ct gold ring. There is little chance the ring was even 1000 pounds. He is straight up lying

Also people are saying he “casually” asked how it could be more equal & your response is for him to go on the deeds or get married - the criticism relates to how you responded - your immediate thought was not for him to pay his way, but how you can facilitate giving it to him.

You

Also claiming he got it “designed” - usually you would buy 1 large diamond & design around that, not buy 5 small diamonds & design a ring to suit. It is obviously the cheapest ring he could afford in a retail store & not a custom design. If he was paying for custom design he would have gone with the largest solitaire style diamond he could afford & perhaps some smaller diamonds around it or something. Just based on your description it is obviously not worth anywhere near what he is saying. That’s why he hasn’t sold it - it’s probably only worth at most a few hundred dollars.

I didn't really sleep much - still angry with myself for being so foolish. But that anger has made me resolute and determined to regain my house and my life. His reaction was as expected- he has always exploded when things don't go his way - I've had all sorts smashed next to me, dinner all over the floor and things thrown at me. He was drunk and when he saw my bruises in the morning, he laughed and said 'oops! Did I do that? Sorry!'. He said he was embarrassed so laughed when I was upset at his reaction. This is the first time I've said it to anyone. I realise now that IS abusive. I fobbed myself off with excuses for his behaviour as he said it's frustration that . I've laid and unpicked how the last 2 years have played out and it's textbook. I could curl up with embarrassment at my stupidity but I know I have to see this as a lesson (albeit expensive) and deal with the practical stuff now then the reasons why later.

He's paid me three instalments but only here and there and with no reference. But they are the same amounts so I guess that could show a loan. I AM going to pursue regaining the money. So I need to go and get legal advice this week. My head is a whirl and I want to be well equipped to take back my life so do things logically.

Practically, I'm out of bed - still ignored all messages and will continue to do so - and currently armed with a roll of black bags and beginning the process of clearing his wardrobe.

Fantastic update OP. So glad you’ve found your amazing strength. We’re all here rooting for you. Good luck filling those black bags girl!

He gets worse and worse - make sure you eat properly today to build up your strength

Are you sure he wasn't stalling because he doesn't have the money to buy you a stone rather than not wanting to marry you?

I don’t mean to disappoint you - but to be realistic. As someone who has paid off more than one ex’s loans / financed a cocklodger & now wiser - you are not going to get any money back from him. The cost of legal action will exceed the amount he owes you. If you don’t have anything in writing regarding the loan, those payment instalments could be for anything. He could say that was for rent / bills etc.

You will be better off if you write off the amount owing as the cost to get this leech out of your life. Whatever he owes you, better that than him having a claim on your property.

Try to consider yourself lucky, it will still hurt knowing that he has taken advantage of your giving nature - but in reality he is a loser who is relying on hard working women to support him & there is no pride in how he chooses to live.

Also you won’t get this money back & arguably THIS is the lesson which will sting, which means you will actually learn from it & not make the same mistake in future. You need to lose the 6 grand (?) so the anger/upset over that will help you to move forward & make different choices in future.

No harm in trying to get the cash back - why give up before you’ve even started? I’d see it as a fun little project. There’s an awful lot you can do before having to go down the expensive lawyer route.

No actually it’s not “fun” to try and get thousands of dollars back from someone who has used & abused you. It’s not “fun” to lose that fight & be told you have no legal recourse, feeling like an idiot because there is no written evidence of a loan & knowing your ex is laughing at you because they know how much you wanted that money back.

It’s not fun to spend energy thinking about how much money they owe you when that energy could be spent improving yourself.

Arguably it is more “fun” to just never speak to them again & they can live the rest of their cheapskate life believing 6 grand was a drop in the ocean for you & you didn’t even bother with them, just happy to see the back of them! They then know they missed out on getting a lot more money out of you & don’t feel like they “won” anything.

They say you should never loan anybody more than you’re willing to lose for this very reason.

If you’re going down that rout, OP would arguably be better off keeping the ring & saying she is selling it to pay off his debts & getting it valued today.

So it was just a tip of an iceberg. Good job he’s gone. Good luck for fully getting him and his crap out of the property.

Wow he's found himself a real one here hasn't he?! OP please. I know you love this dude but he's an incredible chancer. Seriously. If you had no house and we're living in a rundown shack and couldn't pay his bills he wouldn't be marrying you.

You are worth more! Run!

So let's get this straight... you're desperately trying to give half your house away so you can get a narcissistic prick to marry you?! I suggest you book yourself in for counselling ASAP

READ. THE. FULL. FUCKING. THREAD.

Well done op, and that very last update on what he's done before is utterly horrific - let alone the mental abuse, he physically hurt you so much he caused bruises. He gaslights you, shouts at you, lies to you (as a previous jeweller, no high quality diamonds would ever be set in 9ct gold. Either trash diamonds, worth next to nothing, or cubic zirconia) and sprinkles in some bait of "kindness" every now and then to keep you hooked in. So so glad you've made the decision you have, I was reading your posts with growing horror.

Sorry just saw updates! I posted early in a fury!

If there is written evidence of there being a loan then of course fight it! But the OP is saying the only evidence of the loan is 3 payments from him to her of a set amount of 250. That could be for anything - that is not a legal case. It won’t go anywhere & what is “fun” for people to read on MN updates is not often fun to go through in real life. By all means OP seek legal counsel but if you don’t have any documentation that this was a loan not a gift, those instalment payments could be for anything

It’s possible if you text him could try to get him to agree it was a loan ? You could text him to say “about the lob repayment - I know money is tight for you so will 20 pounds per week be achievable to pay it off? Like don’t give him the chance to say it was a gift. Maybe that could be helpful?

Op has said she's leaving him. Read the full fucking thread please, all you people who can't be arsed And are posting "whaaat you need to wake up!" type posts - SHE HAS. SHE'S LEAVING. Jesus.

Good luck today. He is out of the house so you have a head start. Do not let him back in for anything and if he starts anything ring the police.

And 9c worth thousands ? Never in a million years. I'm embarrassed for him. Not you.

This has been a quick turn around in a thread about abuse. I hope your resolve stays.

@YouJustDoYou thanks for confirming as a jeweller! I wear vintage/costume jewellery so am not big on diamonds & even I knew at the description of the ring it was not an expensive one.

There are apparently ways to visually identify if the stone is even a diamond - are you able to confirm ?

• if you breathe on the stones & the fog disappears in 1-2seconds it could be diamond. If it takes 3-4 seconds for the fog to lift, its CZ not diamond

• a CZ stone when catching the light can have rainbow/colours offset, but a diamond will only sparkle white.