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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He doesn't want to marry me, does he?

454 replies

poppiesredfred · 13/07/2020 18:42

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years and we live together. Back in April, he surprised me one morning when I came downstairs and he was playing a song on Alexa and said 'this would be a great first dance song at our wedding' and then pulled out a Haribo ring. He's a joker and I laughed and said 'yeah, would be amazing!' but he said he was serious. I spent the rest of the day in shock, asking him if he was serious as a) I know he loves me but I didn't think in a 'I want to be with you for the rest of my life' kind of way and b) he is such a joker. We've both been married before for context. Both marriages have had divorces finalised years ago and he's had a relationship since where they were engaged but never married as she wanted the ring but not him. She gave him the ring back when he asked.

He then said 'let's get married next year but we can't tell anyone yet though...I want to tell everyone at the end of the year'. I still can't fathom out why but I know he wants some sort of finance agreement with his ex finalised first and that appears to be the reason. There is also no ring.... he does, however, still have his ex's engagement ring in a box (v. expensive and was made to his specifications) upstairs. He has made no move to sell the ring, despite needing money at various points, and stating all of our relationship he wants to sell it asap. I've paid large bills for him during our relationship that this money would have helped towards.

He came to me a couple of weeks ago and asked me how I'd feel about a 'cheap ring'. I said fine, no problem - whatever you choose is fine by me because you've chosen it so I'll love it'. He said he wanted us to go together to a specific place (where the stone he wants is sold) to choose it together. We have a free weekend this weekend so I suggested we go to this place. At first he looked a bit 'deer in the headlights' by it, then came an hour later and said 'that's a great idea, we could choose it then go to this place and that restaurant etc'. All fine until today when he's backtracked completely and now wants to go nowhere near the place... this is after last night when we visited a local restaurant, he randomly told the waiter there 'might' be a big event next year, then corrected it to 'oh, there IS a big event' when he saw me sat there like Confused

I'm so puzzled and don't get it at all. I want the excitement of the man I love asking me to marry him and being able to share the joy with our family and friends. But it's all a big secret and no ring in sight.

What is going on? Can anyone enlighten me.....? Am I being led along?

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 13/07/2020 23:23

5 diamonds (pave?) in a 9ct white gold band?

  1. Not worth much
  2. White gold was very fashionable 10-15 years ago. He may have bought it 2nd hand.
GilbertMarkham · 13/07/2020 23:23

I've known of two women who married blokes who brought nothing financially .. one owned her house, like op, due to a divorce settlement and an inheritance from her late dad. She funded his fairly lavish lifestyle for several years, I'm.nor sure how many times and in his many ways he was abusive to her but on one occasion my sister saw them arguing in their kitchen (facing ours) and he was raising a pot or something to got her with, so she ran up and intervened. Thet later divorced and she had to sell to give him his awarded amount (tens of thousands) .. she now lives in social housing.

The other lady I know less well but she owned her house outright due to a settlement due to being widowed young; she married the guy quite quickly, thought it was love, I don't know if he was physically abusive but he became emotionally so including controlling behaviour (are you going out dressed like that, why are you wearing makeup etc) and she ended up divorcing him, she had to give him a payout too (probably less than the other lady because the marriage was shorter), age was able to do raise the money without having to sell.her house, I believe.

What gets me the most is that they were both abusive .. and both still got their money out of the women in divorce settlements. The first lady didn't report/prosecute, the second .. I don't think it was physical.avd coercive control wasn't a crime then.

PicsInRed · 13/07/2020 23:24

...or he's been at this long time and that ring's been around the block. Or actually belonged to his ex wife.

backseatcookers · 13/07/2020 23:25

Sleep well, you've made a bloody good decision today ending it with him so decisively. Onwards and upwards Thanks

TwentyViginti · 13/07/2020 23:26

Yeah the ring is a kind of prop to his stories. Now OP has actually seen it unboxed....9ct. Not worth thousands at all.

AllTheWhoresOfMalta · 13/07/2020 23:28

Well done OP. swift action, very admirable. You’ll look back on this and sigh with relief in the years to come.

seaviewsbeyond · 13/07/2020 23:29

So let's get this straight... you're desperately trying to give half your house away so you can get a narcissistic prick to marry you?! I suggest you book yourself in for counselling ASAP.

ticktackted · 13/07/2020 23:30

Wow, @poppiesredfred, well done! You should be really proud of yourself. He's shown you who he is tonight in how he's responded, and you'll be free! Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life Thanks

Puzzledandpissedoff · 13/07/2020 23:32

Just a thought, but a conman like this may try to claim OP substituted his "priceless" ring with a cheap one before sending it to him

It won't work of course, because to prove it he'd have to produce a receipt for the more costly one, but don't be surprised if he tries it

Andylion · 13/07/2020 23:38

The waiter was promoting their re-opening offers including the 'Date Night' promotion and jokingly said 'he could propose' nudge, wink.... that's when he said it.

That waiter is a dick.

Andylion · 13/07/2020 23:41

He was asking casually how inequality in house ownership in a relationship could be resolved.

Was he actually casually asking how he could own half your house?

MsDogLady · 13/07/2020 23:44

Then since he moved in, he changed to being unkind, playing tricks, moving my things etc but could be kind too.

He is a practiced emotional and financial abuser. Kudos for empowering yourself by removing this loser from your life.

Yeahnahmum · 13/07/2020 23:53

He wants to marry you(for financial reasons though) . But is not going to. He is just stringing you along. Stop paying large bills for him if he has that ring he can sell. Stop paying for him. Stop it all. And stop with him. He messes with your head and your heart. And in it for money not love.

Actually. Stop paying bills for him. Stop paying anything. See how long he will stick around....

Yeahnahmum · 13/07/2020 23:55

Wow you ended it with him. But what a bloody legend you are!!! I very proud to read that. You took control of you own destiny.

onedaysoonish · 13/07/2020 23:59

Well done OP. You sound lovely and you deserve much more than this specimen.

xx

conduitoffortune · 14/07/2020 00:02

OP, you've done so well today. I bet he's furious that his flurry of horrible messages haven't had the desired effect, he must have thought you'd beg him to come home and be full of remorse when he suggested he would fuck off back to his ex. He's had a great ride over the past 2 years hasn't he? Free lodgings, sex on tap, lifestyle financed and bills paid. And of course the satisfaction of knowing he would soon own half a house with absolutely no graft put in paying the mortgage off himself. All whilst having you feeling grateful, as if he was the prize! I feel quite gleeful that his little tin pot man plan has been scuppered. Please do not waver.

IsItDownToTheLakeIFear · 14/07/2020 00:03

That ring will be worth very little, he’s been having you on. Second hand diamonds don’t hold their value, so the ring won’t be worth anything like what he paid for it (which doesn’t sound much to begin with).

Something fishy has been going on.

queenofknives · 14/07/2020 00:06

Well done, you should be proud of yourself for taking such a decisive step to defend your own best interests from this horrible charlatan. People like him are very good at deceiving and manipulating, and you are far from the only woman who's ever been taken advantage of, but you are certainly admirable for how you're dealing with it. Sleep well Flowers

MushyPeasAreTheDevilsFood · 14/07/2020 00:07

Good luck op.

Icanflyhigh · 14/07/2020 00:07

Stay resolute, you've accepted the red flags, and you've made the first step towards getting your life back x

OrlandoInTheWilderness · 14/07/2020 00:12

Well done OP. It takes courage to admit the truth to yourself sometimes and no one likes feeling like a fool. You've handled it brilliantly.

Vodkacranberryplease · 14/07/2020 00:17

I would make him pay the money back. He's made payments and it's clear it was a loan. He's not going to be nicer or go easier if you let him off the hook. He won't learn his lesson and he won't be grateful. It will make zero difference to how he treats you - in fact while you have that over him he will probably be nicer.

Gilbert those are appalling stories. What is wrong with this country when two adult working men can take half a woman's money? The first one is poor for life now. That's just so awful.

Stinkerbells · 14/07/2020 00:19

@poppiesredfred

We live together but the house is in my name as I bought it with my divorce settlement and an inheritance from my mother. He asked, in a casual conversation, how it could be made more equal and I said either I change the deeds or we get married, I think that's the only way. This proposal has come afterwards. He's been out of work for various periods of our relationship which is when I have paid his bills - trying to be supportive.
Darling I don’t mean to sound harsh but please, please, please get a prenup or something akin to before you walk down the aisle!! This sounds proper dodgy. Your relationship can be more equal if he starts paying half of the bills.
Dontletitbeyou · 14/07/2020 00:20

He has made no move to sell the ring, despite needing money at various points, and stating all of our relationship he wants to sell it asap. I've paid large bills for him during our relationship that this money would have helped towards.

  That right there would have been a no for  me . That on top of the fact he seems to just be messing you about big time . If he’s like this now , once you’re married it’ll only get worse . Nah , not worth the grief
Buggedandconfused · 14/07/2020 00:25

Good luck tomorrow OP

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