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Original poster

He doesn't want to marry me, does he?

454 replies

poppiesredfred · 13/07/2020 18:42

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years and we live together. Back in April, he surprised me one morning when I came downstairs and he was playing a song on Alexa and said 'this would be a great first dance song at our wedding' and then pulled out a Haribo ring. He's a joker and I laughed and said 'yeah, would be amazing!' but he said he was serious. I spent the rest of the day in shock, asking him if he was serious as a) I know he loves me but I didn't think in a 'I want to be with you for the rest of my life' kind of way and b) he is such a joker. We've both been married before for context. Both marriages have had divorces finalised years ago and he's had a relationship since where they were engaged but never married as she wanted the ring but not him. She gave him the ring back when he asked.

He then said 'let's get married next year but we can't tell anyone yet though...I want to tell everyone at the end of the year'. I still can't fathom out why but I know he wants some sort of finance agreement with his ex finalised first and that appears to be the reason. There is also no ring.... he does, however, still have his ex's engagement ring in a box (v. expensive and was made to his specifications) upstairs. He has made no move to sell the ring, despite needing money at various points, and stating all of our relationship he wants to sell it asap. I've paid large bills for him during our relationship that this money would have helped towards.

He came to me a couple of weeks ago and asked me how I'd feel about a 'cheap ring'. I said fine, no problem - whatever you choose is fine by me because you've chosen it so I'll love it'. He said he wanted us to go together to a specific place (where the stone he wants is sold) to choose it together. We have a free weekend this weekend so I suggested we go to this place. At first he looked a bit 'deer in the headlights' by it, then came an hour later and said 'that's a great idea, we could choose it then go to this place and that restaurant etc'. All fine until today when he's backtracked completely and now wants to go nowhere near the place... this is after last night when we visited a local restaurant, he randomly told the waiter there 'might' be a big event next year, then corrected it to 'oh, there IS a big event' when he saw me sat there like Confused

I'm so puzzled and don't get it at all. I want the excitement of the man I love asking me to marry him and being able to share the joy with our family and friends. But it's all a big secret and no ring in sight.

What is going on? Can anyone enlighten me.....? Am I being led along?

OP posts:
NellieandRufus · 13/07/2020 22:59

If the ring is 9ct gold it's very unlikely that it was expensive in the first place.

AdultFishcakes · 13/07/2020 22:59

A barrage of abusive texts one after the other unanswered is also another red flag you can hang to the scarlet bunting flapping in the breeze right now.

In all truth OP I’m sorry. Been there, done that, married him, divorced him 3 years later, met now DH 10 weeks later, happy and with three lovely children 5 years later

Good luck x

TwentyViginti · 13/07/2020 22:59

playing tricks, moving my things etc gaslighting, too? In the hopes he could say you're not well......he should take over your finances, to 'help'......

I'd put nothing past this one.

Original poster
poppiesredfred · 13/07/2020 23:00

@GilbertMarkham

We live together but the house is in my name as I bought it with my divorce settlement and an inheritance from my mother. He asked, in a casual conversation, how it could be made more equal and I said either I change the deeds or we get married, I think that's the only way. This proposal has come afterwards. He's been out of work for various periods of our relationship which is when I have paid his bills - trying to be supportive.

How it could be made more equal?

By him paying half on the value to you.

It's your house bought with your divorce settlement and inheritance; why the fk are you trying to essentially give him half of its value by changing the deeds to make him a co-owner or marrying him thereby giving him a good shot at half the value??!!

And you've it been in a relationship fir two years. That's not long at all.

He asked casually, did he?

That's nice.

I suppose it is important to ask "could you give me 100k (of a 200k house for example of your money?"

I'm not and I've ironed this out before. He asked me casually in relation to his previous relationship how he could have had a more equal share. I said if you'd married or been on the deeds. He then asked how OUR situation would be more equal and I said by either me changing the deeds or getting married. It was done factually, in context of the discussion he brought up, not as a suggestion by me.
OP posts:
MulticolourMophead · 13/07/2020 23:01

@poppiesredfred

Am I able to seek removal/tip anything not gone by a certain time? I don't want him to say there were expensive things in there and I didn't give them back or anything. There isn't a huge amount here to go.
Unfortunately, you can't just dispose of his things. There's an Act, I thinked titled something about unintended Bailees. I'm sure I've seen it linked to on MN recently.

I agree about making sure the ring is treated separately. I wouldn't put it past him to try and claim money off you by claiming it's missing.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 13/07/2020 23:02

I was worried he might be able to put a hand through the flap but I don't think so. I've chained it too

Sensible about the chain, but if there's any chance he could get a hand (or wire?) through the flap, loop something through the hole on the key and tie the ends tightly to the door handle
That way, even if he somehow accesses it, he can't pull the key back through the door

Jsygirlgsy · 13/07/2020 23:02

If your gut is telling you it isnt right then you know it isnt right and you have to walk away. Life isnt hard or a game. It matters like this it should be clear and simple. It will hurt and be hard but when you look back you will see this for what it is. I think that is why so many people find this so emotional and are reacting the way they are. We have all been there and experienced what you are and we want to scream run! Be brave. You sound like a genuine lovely person and I have no dont you will meet someone who truly loved you without the games or drama xxx

CorianderLord · 13/07/2020 23:04

Sorry seen updates. Ignore me good on you OP. Sorry.

GilbertMarkham · 13/07/2020 23:04

Op no offence but please don't move someone in and/or pay for large things for them, let alone offer to add them to your house deeds or make plans to marry them within two years again .... You have an asset/s, you are a target Im afraid as a result of that. A d even if you didnt you'd still be a target if they realised you're the type to let them stay in your home for free )most of the time) and pay for things for them.

Him not being able to hold down a job and pay his way/pat for his own shit should have been a gigantic off putting warning sign not to get involved more deeply, or just to stop being involved full stop

Don't fall for the female socialising of always supporting and nurturing and tolerating etc. All it does is get women take advantage of.

DoubleTweenQueen · 13/07/2020 23:04

I wouldn't post the ring but make sure handover is acknowledged in writing.

If you do post it, take photos of it first. Doesn't sound at all like an expensive bespoke engagement ring. 9 carat is not used in high value jewellery.

TwentyViginti · 13/07/2020 23:06

I've found a 9ct white gold ring with 5 diamonds for £469. Is there a jewellers name on the box?

marly11 · 13/07/2020 23:08

Well done OP. You will need to be strong now and not get sucked in to any daft arguments about who paid what when with him. He doesn't have a right to any of your house, end of. I would suggest the least conversation (preferably none), the better. Stuff packed, evidence of what you paid for in terms of the large sums filed away in your personal paperwork, along with the evidence of any payments to you, and then cut your losses. The last things he deserves, or you need, are endless mind- bending conversations about his misplaced perceptions of 'his rights' and your 'wrongs'. Giving him attention if any sort and trying to justify your actions, might continue to feed his feeling that he is able to get one over on you I would guess.

BobbieDraper · 13/07/2020 23:09

Several small diamonds are worth much less than the same total amount in a single stone.

5 small diamonds in a 9ct eternity band... is not with thousands (unless by a very expensive brand). The cost came from having it designed; and he could have easily found a ring off the shelf like that.

Somethingkindaoooo · 13/07/2020 23:10

@RantyAnty

It sounds like his ex fiance owes him money. Why?
Or he owes his ex money.

OP
What are you doing?

What big bills?

Why can't he work?

You do know that no matter how ' supportive' you are, he won't love you forever out of gratitude.

And your talk.... sounds more like you're going to give him the opportunity to say what you want to hear, so you can keep him.

Your posts make me sad.

Original poster
poppiesredfred · 13/07/2020 23:11

@Puzzledandpissedoff

I was worried he might be able to put a hand through the flap but I don't think so. I've chained it too

Sensible about the chain, but if there's any chance he could get a hand (or wire?) through the flap, loop something through the hole on the key and tie the ends tightly to the door handle
That way, even if he somehow accesses it, he can't pull the key back through the door

Just been down and done this - thank you so much! It's tied with a shoelace now.

I'm definitely going to get some sleep. Sad to be alone tonight obviously, after sharing life with someone but best foot forward in the morning because this situation couldn't go on. I knew that - just needed that push and validation, I guess. I just hope I haven't had any cards or loans taken out in my name.

Thank you again - hope he goes quietly tomorrow. I'll ask if my neighbour could come to witness things.

OP posts:
TwentyViginti · 13/07/2020 23:11

It's only on HIS say so that it was specially designed.

frazzledasarock · 13/07/2020 23:12

9ct gold is nowhere near £1,000, gold is currently £46 an ounce I think (that’s pure gold) if it’s very elaborate the workmanship would be an added cost. So unless it’s very heavy it’s not £1000 at all.

Take a look on Argos and see if you can find it on there or H Samuel.
It sounds like a regular ring, what did he design about it?

TwentyViginti · 13/07/2020 23:14

OP run a credit check on yourself tomorrow. Hope you get some sleep. Try and eat tomorrow, and stay hydrated. Shock and grief take a toll, and you need to be strong.

frazzledasarock · 13/07/2020 23:15

Do a credit check on yourself.

Money saving expert credit check are teamed with Experian and the credit check is free, it will show you all your credit cards, bank accounts and anyone you’re financially linked with. It’s simple to do online.

Somethingkindaoooo · 13/07/2020 23:17

Sorry OP, hadn't seen your update

kazzer2867 · 13/07/2020 23:18

If the ring is 9ct gold it's very unlikely that it was expensive in the first place.

Not necessarily. Depends on the cut and clarity of the diamonds. OP has said she is going to send it via high compensation postage which wont cost much. Really doesn't matter if he's lied about the value of the ring really. What matters is that OP gets his belongings out of her house and doesn't give him an excuse to accuse her of stealing or disposing of his property and using it as a reason to harass her.

Bunnymumy · 13/07/2020 23:18

I suppose you have it valued, just to see if they could tell you how big of a bullshit merchant he is (You know, if it turns out to be worth sod all). Just if they could do it on the spot, on your way to the post office to send it back to him.

If you were curious enough. But I suppose it doesnt matter in the grand scheme of things.

I think if it was worth much,he would have taken it with him when he left. Mind you, he is probably expecting you to beg for him back and is so arrogant he thinks he'll be back in your home with his feet up by tomorrow night.

I'd kinda like to see the look on his face when he shows up at his exs like 'I'm coming to stay here' ('the fuck you are!' lol).

Bunnymumy · 13/07/2020 23:18

*could have it valued

hiddeneverythin · 13/07/2020 23:21

Well done OP. I've not often seen people on here take advice and act on it so quickly. He sounds horrible and you sound lovely x

DoubleTweenQueen · 13/07/2020 23:21

Sleep well x New day tomorrow.

If he's done anything silly, that's his responsibility. I doubt he will have. I imagine his inability to establish and maintain a grown up relationship and work pattern will be the limit of his misdemeanors.

Thinking of you. Let us know how you're getting on 💐