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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband has said he's not happy?

130 replies

Leanne1191 · 10/07/2020 23:40

So yesterday my husband told me he's had enough and hasn't wanted to be at home, basically told me he's not happy, I asked why what was wrong he told me he don't know he's just had enough and can't be bothered anymore, I've asked him to try and explain why he's not happy and what's made him feel this way but he just says I don't know I don't know, he says he's still inlove with me and that I know he loves me, he started opening up a bit after a while and said he knows I don't trust him, but that's because of previous behaviour from him for example liking other woman's photos on Facebook and putting love heart eye emoji on them and he's messaged girls behind my back, he has read my iPad, now my iPad has notes that I write in when I'm feeling low and down, I suffer with depression and anxiety and in 2017 I had a breakdown, he was so good took time of work looked after me and the kids as we have three (we have been together for 8 years) (married for 6 months) but anyway because of that bad time I write all my feelings down so the date and what has triggered me feeling pants etc and he's gone through it behind my back and looked and there are a few times where I've had a rant about him and said stuff like he's such a prick he don't care he has made it all worse etc not that I mean anything by it because it's how I'm feeling for godsake and it was meant to be private but he told me that's one of the reasons and the other is because I apparently always moan about him and I'm always saying when you home from work, what time will you be home, when do you finish etc etc which I've always done it's not a recent new thing, I said do you want to work things out he said I don't know I've said do you want to have a break he said I don't know I said do you want to be with me he said I don't know, he won't give me a straight answer, he worked away for 11 days and before then everything was fine he's come back and he's been distant with me he's ignoring my messages and calls he's not being affectionate and he's just not the same person. He always hugged and kissed me and we always text each other 20-30 times a day even when he's at work he always answered all my calls but now he doesn't and he started doing that when he went away, I'm so confused about everything because we don't row, I've never cheated on him and he has said he never has on me, I'm a good mum and kids are happy, clean and fed. I don't get why he's all of a sudden said this it's completely out of the blue and Wednesday he told me we would talk when he was home from work but he stayed at his aunties the night and the day before that he was at his aunties when he told me he was working, he said he's been feeling like this for weeks but I've gone through all the messages leading up to that week that he went away and it's just the same as we've always been, I'm heart broken, confused and gutted. He will not tell me what he wants to do he won't give me answers and I wanna know what is wrong and why he feels like this but he won't tell me, he has never been like this ever not in all the 8 years we've been together, we recently got married on December 27th 2019 and have been fine, up until he went to work away for 11 days, he has said it's not because he's met anyone else, it's not because he wants the single life, it's not because he wants to play the field, it's not because he's coming up to 30 and is having a weird phase and it's not because of the lockdown that we've had either? I said about seeing a couples counsellor and he said we don't need that, I've said loads and loads but he just says I don't know, I don't know to anything I ask, anyone for any advice because I've been a wreck the past 4 days I've been worried and I've been crying not eating and not sleeping? He told his auntie that he's not eating or sleeping properly I've asked if he feels down and is feeling low he said I'm not depressed, when he was away he hardly messaged me or called me and I got angry we had an argument because of him ignoring me and stuff and I said things to him in anger and I've apologised for it and told him I didn't mean it too, I'm going out of my mind because I don't know what to do!!!! I'm gutted absolutely gutted 😢

OP posts:
Leanne1191 · 18/07/2020 08:26

@Pebblexox

My dh and I went through a bit of a rocky patch at the start of the year. Where we were both a little miserable. So I don't always buy into the whole 'I'm not happy because I want to cheat' however we sat down and spoke about what was going on with is, a lot. We got to the bottom of our problems, and why we were feeling the way we were. We then spent the next few months working on those points, and now we're back on track and happy! The issue here is your husband doesn't know why he's not happy, and by the sounds of it isn't willing to sit down and talk to you about what's going on. That for me is a red flag.
No exactly that's all I've got is red flags, it's not been nice the last two days if honest I have argued with him because he's made me so angry with the way he's treated me and given me some shit excuse for it too, he's damaged our relationship and I don't think I will ever get over this, things ain't the same either I feel so different about us..... I think he's pushed my final buttons Sad
OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 18/07/2020 09:20

So, his 'taste of freedom' was shagging someone else? Or something else?

Give him his freedom to enjoy permanently. You are right, he manufactured an excuse to do what he wanted, and you will never be sure that he won't do that again. Even if you only text him totally neutral messages when he's away, next time it might be your 'tone' he didn't like, or the fact you didn't kiss him goodbye with sufficient conviction.

Good luck.

Leanne1191 · 18/07/2020 10:11

@Zaphodsotherhead

So, his 'taste of freedom' was shagging someone else? Or something else?

Give him his freedom to enjoy permanently. You are right, he manufactured an excuse to do what he wanted, and you will never be sure that he won't do that again. Even if you only text him totally neutral messages when he's away, next time it might be your 'tone' he didn't like, or the fact you didn't kiss him goodbye with sufficient conviction.

Good luck.

Literally..... it's a joke isn't it? Confused
OP posts:
chocolateandpinkgin · 18/07/2020 11:50

I'll be honest, if you stay with him, you'll always have this at the back of your mind now. You'll always wonder if it will happen again and if he's in a funny/off mood one day you'll be overanalysing it and wondering what's on his mind. It's no fun at all it really isn't. I know from experience.

I mentioned upthread that I've had very similar with my husband although in my case I did find out what the root/trigger to it all was. I do often wish we'd had longer apart, because I think a) maybe I would have realised I was happier on my own without all the anxiety about what he was feeling or b) a bit longer apart might have given him longer to realise what he was thinking about throwing away.

On a positive note, I know he loves me and genuinely does realise what an absolute idiot he was. I know he regrets it. But the hard bit is just that he did it in the first place. Once someone who is supposed to love you and never hurt you does something like this, there's no undoing it, you will always know they're capable of hurting you in that way. It sucks it really does.

How are you today anyway?

Leanne1191 · 18/07/2020 11:55

@chocolateandpinkgin

I'll be honest, if you stay with him, you'll always have this at the back of your mind now. You'll always wonder if it will happen again and if he's in a funny/off mood one day you'll be overanalysing it and wondering what's on his mind. It's no fun at all it really isn't. I know from experience.

I mentioned upthread that I've had very similar with my husband although in my case I did find out what the root/trigger to it all was. I do often wish we'd had longer apart, because I think a) maybe I would have realised I was happier on my own without all the anxiety about what he was feeling or b) a bit longer apart might have given him longer to realise what he was thinking about throwing away.

On a positive note, I know he loves me and genuinely does realise what an absolute idiot he was. I know he regrets it. But the hard bit is just that he did it in the first place. Once someone who is supposed to love you and never hurt you does something like this, there's no undoing it, you will always know they're capable of hurting you in that way. It sucks it really does.

How are you today anyway?

Yeah I know what you mean, my mind is still going mental over it all, even when he's messaging people I think what's he saying..... I just don't know if I can do this, like I said I've put up with a lot in the past, I need to spend time with him tonight and see how I feel after some 'us' time, I'm just looking forward to getting dressed up and feeling good about myself, as you said it does damage your relationship especially when it's out of the blue like all this was, just because he had a think about being single while he worked away, I'm always going to think that now when he wants to work away it's just not nice at all... ConfusedSad
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