Husband has said he's not happy?

[Leanne1191]

So yesterday my husband told me he's had enough and hasn't wanted to be at home, basically told me he's not happy, I asked why what was wrong he told me he don't know he's just had enough and can't be bothered anymore, I've asked him to try and explain why he's not happy and what's made him feel this way but he just says I don't know I don't know, he says he's still inlove with me and that I know he loves me, he started opening up a bit after a while and said he knows I don't trust him, but that's because of previous behaviour from him for example liking other woman's photos on Facebook and putting love heart eye emoji on them and he's messaged girls behind my back, he has read my iPad, now my iPad has notes that I write in when I'm feeling low and down, I suffer with depression and anxiety and in 2017 I had a breakdown, he was so good took time of work looked after me and the kids as we have three (we have been together for 8 years) (married for 6 months) but anyway because of that bad time I write all my feelings down so the date and what has triggered me feeling pants etc and he's gone through it behind my back and looked and there are a few times where I've had a rant about him and said stuff like he's such a prick he don't care he has made it all worse etc not that I mean anything by it because it's how I'm feeling for godsake and it was meant to be private but he told me that's one of the reasons and the other is because I apparently always moan about him and I'm always saying when you home from work, what time will you be home, when do you finish etc etc which I've always done it's not a recent new thing, I said do you want to work things out he said I don't know I've said do you want to have a break he said I don't know I said do you want to be with me he said I don't know, he won't give me a straight answer, he worked away for 11 days and before then everything was fine he's come back and he's been distant with me he's ignoring my messages and calls he's not being affectionate and he's just not the same person. He always hugged and kissed me and we always text each other 20-30 times a day even when he's at work he always answered all my calls but now he doesn't and he started doing that when he went away, I'm so confused about everything because we don't row, I've never cheated on him and he has said he never has on me, I'm a good mum and kids are happy, clean and fed. I don't get why he's all of a sudden said this it's completely out of the blue and Wednesday he told me we would talk when he was home from work but he stayed at his aunties the night and the day before that he was at his aunties when he told me he was working, he said he's been feeling like this for weeks but I've gone through all the messages leading up to that week that he went away and it's just the same as we've always been, I'm heart broken, confused and gutted. He will not tell me what he wants to do he won't give me answers and I wanna know what is wrong and why he feels like this but he won't tell me, he has never been like this ever not in all the 8 years we've been together, we recently got married on December 27th 2019 and have been fine, up until he went to work away for 11 days, he has said it's not because he's met anyone else, it's not because he wants the single life, it's not because he wants to play the field, it's not because he's coming up to 30 and is having a weird phase and it's not because of the lockdown that we've had either? I said about seeing a couples counsellor and he said we don't need that, I've said loads and loads but he just says I don't know, I don't know to anything I ask, anyone for any advice because I've been a wreck the past 4 days I've been worried and I've been crying not eating and not sleeping? He told his auntie that he's not eating or sleeping properly I've asked if he feels down and is feeling low he said I'm not depressed, when he was away he hardly messaged me or called me and I got angry we had an argument because of him ignoring me and stuff and I said things to him in anger and I've apologised for it and told him I didn't mean it too, I'm going out of my mind because I don't know what to do!!!! I'm gutted absolutely gutted 😢

@TARSCOUT

It sounds like a really stressful relationship. You've given him a 2nd chance after the photos/messages etc and that's fine but then you say you are texting 20 to 30 times a day.asking when hes home or what time hes finishing etc. This is not.You obviously don't trust him and he deserves that but there comes a point where you have to forgive if you want to keep the relationship going. I think you need to give him some space.

No when I say texting 20-30 times a day I mean we both are he will message me stuff like what you doing, you ok? And stuff like that not me being mad and constantly messaging him when are you home when are you home

The relationship does sound stifling. All the texting and watching how he comments on FB posts sounds exhausting
I agree though, it does sound as he is embarking on a relationship

Hopefully someone will post the link to "the script". Cheating men follow the script almost unfailingly. Maybe you could try to predict what will come next based on the script. If it happens, then likelihood is he's cheating.

@ThousandsAreSailing

The relationship does sound stifling. All the texting and watching how he comments on FB posts sounds exhausting I agree though, it does sound as he is embarking on a relationship

No I didn't watch him commenting on other woman's photos I just noticed it, so you think he wants someone else if that's the case then why don't he just say I don't want to be with you anymore? Instead of I don't know I don't know

@k1233

Hopefully someone will post the link to "the script". Cheating men follow the script almost unfailingly. Maybe you could try to predict what will come next based on the script. If it happens, then likelihood is he's cheating.

God this hurts reading all about him cheating or planning too?

He worked away for 11 days and before then everything was fine he's come back and he's been distant with me he's ignoring my messages and calls he's not being affectionate and he's just not the same person.

Something happened while he was away. This could be that he met someone while he was away and fancied her and possibly wants to start something with her. Or he met someone and had sex. The whole thing sounds like "the script.
There's someone up thread saying that it's annoying how every time a DH farts differently Mumsnet says they must be cheating. I can see their point but Mumsnet doesn't ALWAYS say the bloke is cheating - but in cases like this they do and they are probably correct. Plenty of people have had exactly this experience and it has panned out in exactly the same way and it turned out there was an OW behind it (happened to me too).

However, in the interests of not being "unhelpful" and assuming he is cheating - an alternative could be that the 11 days away gave him some time to think away from you and perhaps he began to think that things were not working for him in the relationship. Maybe he was spending time going out with workmates after work and having the freedom to do whatever he wanted without having to think about returning home by a particular time or whatever.

It's actually irrelevant whether he cheated or not, whether he has his eyes on someone else or whether he has simply decided that he is unhappy and wants to move on. The fact is he has said he is unhappy and has stopped all signs of affection and claims not to know what he wants and won't tell you why he is unhappy. This means that he is checking out of the relationship.
I would suggest you do not play the "pick me" dance and try to persuade him to stay and all the rest of it. I know it is devastating for you but it will not help you if you try to beg him to stay or insist on an explanation for his behaviour.
Tell him he needs to go and stay somewhere else for a while and get his thoughts together. He should stay at his aunty's place for a couple of weeks if she will have him. Don't get into discussions with him in the meantime. You need a break from this to process your thoughts and feelings too.

@stealm

He worked away for 11 days and before then everything was fine he's come back and he's been distant with me he's ignoring my messages and calls he's not being affectionate and he's just not the same person.

Something happened while he was away. This could be that he met someone while he was away and fancied her and possibly wants to start something with her. Or he met someone and had sex. The whole thing sounds like "the script.
There's someone up thread saying that it's annoying how every time a DH farts differently Mumsnet says they must be cheating. I can see their point but Mumsnet doesn't ALWAYS say the bloke is cheating - but in cases like this they do and they are probably correct. Plenty of people have had exactly this experience and it has panned out in exactly the same way and it turned out there was an OW behind it (happened to me too).

However, in the interests of not being "unhelpful" and assuming he is cheating - an alternative could be that the 11 days away gave him some time to think away from you and perhaps he began to think that things were not working for him in the relationship. Maybe he was spending time going out with workmates after work and having the freedom to do whatever he wanted without having to think about returning home by a particular time or whatever.

It's actually irrelevant whether he cheated or not, whether he has his eyes on someone else or whether he has simply decided that he is unhappy and wants to move on. The fact is he has said he is unhappy and has stopped all signs of affection and claims not to know what he wants and won't tell you why he is unhappy. This means that he is checking out of the relationship.
I would suggest you do not play the "pick me" dance and try to persuade him to stay and all the rest of it. I know it is devastating for you but it will not help you if you try to beg him to stay or insist on an explanation for his behaviour.
Tell him he needs to go and stay somewhere else for a while and get his thoughts together. He should stay at his aunty's place for a couple of weeks if she will have him. Don't get into discussions with him in the meantime. You need a break from this to process your thoughts and feelings too.

Is so gutting reading all this, 😢 I am literally so heart broken it's bloody awful, I've done nothing wrong for him to be like this, I'm currently staying at my mums I did last night because he just sat there not talking or saying anything he made me feel awkward in my own home, he has cuddled me and kissed me when I've got upset and started crying and he's said Wednesday night that he wanted to try and work at it but now he's changed his mind again, I'll message him and he just don't open them he lets my calls ring and just ignores me, I've messaged the lad he worked with for the 11 days and he said '' I promise you he hasn't cheated on you while he was with me he was with me so I would no'' is so confused everything was fine I've gone back through all the messages and have looked at them all there's no indication that's he's not happy it's normal like it has been the past 8 years, he knew I was down on Monday and brought me some chocolates and small bottle of wine to try and cheer me up, he cried when I said about us breaking up because he said he hated seeing me so sad, I've said to him to grow a pair and tell me the truth I've said we're married we've been together 8 years and have children you can talk to me but he just won't, not knowing is worse if he said I've cheated on you or said I like someone else I can deal with it but this whole dead conversation and I don't know makes me feel worse.

Is so gutting reading all this, 😢 I am literally so heart broken it's bloody awful, I've done nothing wrong for him to be like this, I'm currently staying at my mums

It is gutting when someone decides they are unhappy for whatever reason. I have been through this and it's hell. That's maybe why my longer post sounds a bit forthright and business-like.
It's good you are staying with your Mum. Please try not to contact him as much, asking for explanations etc. In fact, not contacting him at all for a few days would be a very good idea. You both need some time apart to process what has gone on. If he won't come out with an explanation as to what the problem is then you can't do anything.

It's the second post on this thread

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1634754-Men-affairs-what-is-the-script

I’m really do feel for you op . I can feel how sad you are .
I agree that something most likely happened during that 11 days while he was working away . He doesn’t answer your attempts to communicate with him , he returns and he’s emotionally distant . All this I don’t know what I want to to do , I still love you but think I need time away etc . It’s exactly what all men say when they have already met someone else and are laying the foundation to moving on. He will suddenly meet someone who he becomes friends with ( he’s most likely already met her ) and that will become his ‘new’ relationship .He will deny and deny any wrongdoing ,till he’s in the position where he can’t anymore , where the evidence is overwhelming . He doesn’t want to talk , because he knows the more he says the more likely he’s going to drop himself in it
I’m really sorry , you don’t deserve this . No one deserves to be treated like this ,

Whether he has cheated or not he has decided he doesn't want the commitment and effort of being a family man. I suspect 11 days working away felt like a complete break and coming home was a harsh reality that you can't be selfish and a good DH and good Dad.

I would stop doing the "pick me dance" get your ducks in a row, see a solicitor and ask him to move out. The very least is that he needs to move out of your bedroom.

Do you have a son he can share with?

He starts looking after the DC whilst you spend time with your friends and family getting the support you need.

@RandomMess

Whether he has cheated or not he has decided he doesn't want the commitment and effort of being a family man. I suspect 11 days working away felt like a complete break and coming home was a harsh reality that you can't be selfish and a good DH and good Dad.

I would stop doing the "pick me dance" get your ducks in a row, see a solicitor and ask him to move out. The very least is that he needs to move out of your bedroom.

Do you have a son he can share with?

He starts looking after the DC whilst you spend time with your friends and family getting the support you need.

Yeah I've been thinking about all this and I think he will end up breaking up with me, at the moment I'm just giving him some space, when I said to him there's someone else stop lying to me he kept saying there's not stop saying that there's no one else there's nothing, his mate has told me today that he has said to him that he's not feeling himself I don't know whether he might be down and feeling low but he denies being depressed, he's not the man I married 6 months ago the man who cried when I walked down the isle the man who cuddles me and kisses me and grabs my bum randomly it's so horrible I've never known hurt like this, I lost my grandad this year in March and he was so good, it's all just changed I don't know how I'm going to find out if anyone else is in the picture because I don't have evidence of it

@Dontletitbeyou

I’m really do feel for you op . I can feel how sad you are . I agree that something most likely happened during that 11 days while he was working away . He doesn’t answer your attempts to communicate with him , he returns and he’s emotionally distant . All this I don’t know what I want to to do , I still love you but think I need time away etc . It’s exactly what all men say when they have already met someone else and are laying the foundation to moving on. He will suddenly meet someone who he becomes friends with ( he’s most likely already met her ) and that will become his ‘new’ relationship .He will deny and deny any wrongdoing ,till he’s in the position where he can’t anymore , where the evidence is overwhelming . He doesn’t want to talk , because he knows the more he says the more likely he’s going to drop himself in it I’m really sorry , you don’t deserve this . No one deserves to be treated like this ,

He hasn't said he needs time away he's at home with the two boys as I'm at my mums he just stayed at his aunties Wednesday randomly and she told me he was there so I know that's not a lie, just don't get what's going on in his head when everything was fine.

"I've messaged the lad he worked with for the 11 days"
You really can't be dragging his colleagues into this. It is totally inappropriate. I know you're in a state but this isn't right. You aren't going to find out what's happened on here. We can all have our ideas but you need to try to calm down so you can think straight. Give it a few days. Atop calling and messaging him and gather yourself together. Then message him and arrange to meet to talk. Do this without the kids there.

Sorry that sounded harsher than it was meant to.

@TARSCOUT

"I've messaged the lad he worked with for the 11 days" You really can't be dragging his colleagues into this. It is totally inappropriate. I know you're in a state but this isn't right. You aren't going to find out what's happened on here. We can all have our ideas but you need to try to calm down so you can think straight. Give it a few days. Atop calling and messaging him and gather yourself together. Then message him and arrange to meet to talk. Do this without the kids there.

No your fine your not harsh, I'm just so devastated by this, just so out of the blue and new to me.

My partner turned in to a right dick when he used to work away ! Honest to god he would come home a different person . He was loving life work and straight out with people he was working with . I don't let him work away anymore because we would be over I wouldn't put up with it now x

@cheeseburger2020

My partner turned in to a right dick when he used to work away ! Honest to god he would come home a different person . He was loving life work and straight out with people he was working with . I don't let him work away anymore because we would be over I wouldn't put up with it now x

Yeah but why do they do that? It don't help anyone I mean the kids know something is up too and it's not fair, I keep thinking about what I can do too make him happy but there is nothing, this is all down to him and him making the decision instead of telling me I don't know. I did say your not working away again, because he don't need to anyways it was a one off

Honest to god I feel for you . I have been with my partner ten years and he told me two weeks ago that he wasn't happy and he was leaving . He kept saying he didn't know what the real reason was but he has still not gone . We do love each other but he has said love isn't enough . He does have no polar so I am used to his mood swings and sudden change of heart but it still kills me . We are trying to get back on track but it's affected me quite badly this time . I have asked him what needs to change ? Is our sex life boring ect ect and he said no 😳. When he 1st started working away he went by himself he would phone me all the time , face time me the lot . Then when he was going with people he worked with I would get the occasional text and that was it . I hated him when he got home . He would work til 6 pm shower and go out for food and then to a pub drinking loving life . Obviously Coming home life was pretty boring to what he had just even living . I hate porn and I would find it on his phone loads of it . After two years of it I said to him chose . Working away or me and he give up the working away . Personally and I really don't want to make matters worse for you but men rarely ever leave on their own . Has he 100 percent been working away ? Can he prove it ? I got a bad feeling that maybe he has been staying with someone . I could be totally wrong but this is what my ex done . For 6 months I had this . He kept coming back but I didnt know he kept coming back because him and his new bit on the side were falling out I kept thinking he wanted to try again . They didn't last and I took him
Back only found out a few months back in to it about the other women so I kicked him out for good . Cheaters will withdraw affection . They act like you done exist . And it happens suddenly too. Do not punish your self ❤️ you didn't cause this . It's his life and if he wants to mess it up let him . They always regret it in the end . People get bored and stuck in the same routine and go looking for fun . But it doesn't last fun for long. Or he could if just had enough. But I don't think it's that one x

I forgot to ask is he protective of his phone ? X

Just been reading all your comments. Like I said in my post . My partner has bi polar and when he is having a bad week you could swear that he ha never loved me at all . We go from just buying a new house , trying for a baby him writing me lovely texts to waking up the next day coming home from work and he's standing there saying this is not what he wants . Don't make your self I'll over this . I'm going to go to the doctors on Monday . I haven't told him what's been going on or anyone else but I'm feeling really down this week . I even phoned in sick from work . I have heard him say this to me a few times but it was just the way he was looking this time that made me think he was actually fed up . He looked sad and it made me sad . I suffer with bad anxiety but had it under control these last few years . But it's come back . I went through hell with my ex . And he made me ill I was even in hospital for a few days because I came close to cracking up . I used to make my self sick not because I wanted to lose weight but because for some reason I hated myself and to hurt myself . Kind of like self destruct . Every time he cheated I'd hate my self then throw up and I would feel calm . Probably the only thing I had control over . This week I done it again after 12 years of not doing it . And I am not ever getting like I did over some pathetic excuse of a man again . My advice to you is do not bother contacting him again . Let him come
To you . Don't lose your self respect ❤️ xxx

I can't tell you why they do that. Mine treated me so badly in the run up to me having enough and having to leave. Screaming and shouting, sleeping with other women, put his hands on me and threatened me. Still says he loves and loved me and wants to be with me (not happening, I'm with someone else and even if I wasn't I'd rather be single).

People don't always have logical reasons for how they behave.

I know you say hes told you this and that, that he still loves you, isnt cheating, etc. Etc.

But you do know that people lie don't you... his auntie can lie, the lad he works with can lie. You realize that? Folk lie all the time. Men lie loads to women about how they feel, often because as men they don't want to look like the bad guy. They would rather the woman feels like she is losing her mind, so that he can point at her and say "yeah she is crazy so I'm leaving her". Happens all the time.

You've got to stop asking why, and just look at the actions he is taking. He doesn't want to be around you, hes making you feel horrible. That isnt the actions of a partner and someone who loves you.

Talk to a counselor and get 15 mins with a solicitor. Those two things will help you a lot more than talking to this man - he isn't your friend, he has shown you that now x

Are there financial issues that you don’t know about? Is he struggling at work or at risk of redundancy? Is he suffering mentally - may be totally exhausted, can’t cope with anything and can’t think properly therefore says I don’t know all the time? May be a mid life crisis? 30 is still quite young and you guys have three kids? Or he could be seeing someone else or emotionally being with someone else? Sorry this is difficult for you. But you won’t know until he talks. Would he write down if he can’t talk to you? Maybe say to him is it this or this or that? I’m worried and can’t help cos you won’t talk to me? 💐

@cheeseburger2020

I forgot to ask is he protective of his phone ? X

He has shown me pictures of his work and he was fine the first 3 days of being away he messaged me all the time called me and sent me ally pictures and videos of the shower because we only have a bath lol, he's always got his phone I never not see him with it he never leaves it about or anything but he's always been like that since day one...