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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband has said he's not happy?

130 replies

Leanne1191 · 10/07/2020 23:40

So yesterday my husband told me he's had enough and hasn't wanted to be at home, basically told me he's not happy, I asked why what was wrong he told me he don't know he's just had enough and can't be bothered anymore, I've asked him to try and explain why he's not happy and what's made him feel this way but he just says I don't know I don't know, he says he's still inlove with me and that I know he loves me, he started opening up a bit after a while and said he knows I don't trust him, but that's because of previous behaviour from him for example liking other woman's photos on Facebook and putting love heart eye emoji on them and he's messaged girls behind my back, he has read my iPad, now my iPad has notes that I write in when I'm feeling low and down, I suffer with depression and anxiety and in 2017 I had a breakdown, he was so good took time of work looked after me and the kids as we have three (we have been together for 8 years) (married for 6 months) but anyway because of that bad time I write all my feelings down so the date and what has triggered me feeling pants etc and he's gone through it behind my back and looked and there are a few times where I've had a rant about him and said stuff like he's such a prick he don't care he has made it all worse etc not that I mean anything by it because it's how I'm feeling for godsake and it was meant to be private but he told me that's one of the reasons and the other is because I apparently always moan about him and I'm always saying when you home from work, what time will you be home, when do you finish etc etc which I've always done it's not a recent new thing, I said do you want to work things out he said I don't know I've said do you want to have a break he said I don't know I said do you want to be with me he said I don't know, he won't give me a straight answer, he worked away for 11 days and before then everything was fine he's come back and he's been distant with me he's ignoring my messages and calls he's not being affectionate and he's just not the same person. He always hugged and kissed me and we always text each other 20-30 times a day even when he's at work he always answered all my calls but now he doesn't and he started doing that when he went away, I'm so confused about everything because we don't row, I've never cheated on him and he has said he never has on me, I'm a good mum and kids are happy, clean and fed. I don't get why he's all of a sudden said this it's completely out of the blue and Wednesday he told me we would talk when he was home from work but he stayed at his aunties the night and the day before that he was at his aunties when he told me he was working, he said he's been feeling like this for weeks but I've gone through all the messages leading up to that week that he went away and it's just the same as we've always been, I'm heart broken, confused and gutted. He will not tell me what he wants to do he won't give me answers and I wanna know what is wrong and why he feels like this but he won't tell me, he has never been like this ever not in all the 8 years we've been together, we recently got married on December 27th 2019 and have been fine, up until he went to work away for 11 days, he has said it's not because he's met anyone else, it's not because he wants the single life, it's not because he wants to play the field, it's not because he's coming up to 30 and is having a weird phase and it's not because of the lockdown that we've had either? I said about seeing a couples counsellor and he said we don't need that, I've said loads and loads but he just says I don't know, I don't know to anything I ask, anyone for any advice because I've been a wreck the past 4 days I've been worried and I've been crying not eating and not sleeping? He told his auntie that he's not eating or sleeping properly I've asked if he feels down and is feeling low he said I'm not depressed, when he was away he hardly messaged me or called me and I got angry we had an argument because of him ignoring me and stuff and I said things to him in anger and I've apologised for it and told him I didn't mean it too, I'm going out of my mind because I don't know what to do!!!! I'm gutted absolutely gutted 😢

OP posts:
Leanne1191 · 12/07/2020 11:15

@Zaphodsotherhead

You are pinning an awful lot on having got married 6 months ago. But some people can compartmentalise very well. They can be in love, happy to be getting married, love their wife and kids, and STILL be looking around at other women, messaging them, sleeping with them. The two states can exist simultaneously.

Just because he married you six months ago doesn't mean he was a completely different person then. Just that he got caught up in wedding planning and you were probably on a 'high' from the whole thing too, sweeping him along.

Ultimately you may never know or find out whether he's cheated. He says he's unhappy. You can't force him to be happy with you, whatever ther reason. Start making your own life, without him. If he's really in love with you and just suffering a crisis, he can go to his GP or get himself some therapy. Or he can just sod off and shag everything that moves. It won't be your problem. But you really need to be strong for your children, and make your own life.

What I'm trying to get through to people is that before he went away he was the same person I married everything was normal and the same then he went away and has come back a different person, he's drinking every night, he's not eating, he's not sleeping, he's withdrawn from me, he won't talk about anything either he just says I don't know..... it's all odd behaviour when he went to his aunties the first thing she said to him was he looked ill, he says he's tired and exhausted and he's been working a lot I think maybe it's all got on top of him......
OP posts:
Hanab · 12/07/2020 11:44

The more I read the more I am convinced something happened whilst he was away. If he was unfaithful perhaps he is being blackmailed .. maybe caught an std .. no one simply changes over night 🤷🏻‍♀️

litterbird · 12/07/2020 11:46

As many others have said, something happened on those 11 days. It may have been the space he needed to think about how he feels about everything. He may have had his head turned. No one knows and I also believe your husband doesn't know either. The worse thing you can do is keep contacting him. He needs space to figure out how he feels and what to do next. He may well feel low, might not be depression, just low. He is working hard, stressed out and is on a cross roads. You have your own issues to battle too. You need to focus on your health first and foremost. Leave your husband to figure himself out. Don't try and find answers as this will send you on a downward spiral and don't ask for answers from him anymore. Men go into their 'caves' when they are stressed or need to work a problem out. Leave him there, don't follow him in to that cave or you will be bitten. Work towards you being the best version of yourself and switch that bit of the brain off that desperately wants to know what, where, when and why. He won't be able to tell you. Good luck OP, as said before, men can be strange creatures.

Msonamission · 12/07/2020 12:02

@Hanab

The more I read the more I am convinced something happened whilst he was away. If he was unfaithful perhaps he is being blackmailed .. maybe caught an std .. no one simply changes over night 🤷🏻‍♀️
I also think something happened, but could it be something else? What would make a man so changed like this so suddenly yet he cannot bring himself to discuss it? I know this may be clutching at straws, but is it possible he was attacked/mugged?
Leanne1191 · 12/07/2020 12:18

@litterbird

As many others have said, something happened on those 11 days. It may have been the space he needed to think about how he feels about everything. He may have had his head turned. No one knows and I also believe your husband doesn't know either. The worse thing you can do is keep contacting him. He needs space to figure out how he feels and what to do next. He may well feel low, might not be depression, just low. He is working hard, stressed out and is on a cross roads. You have your own issues to battle too. You need to focus on your health first and foremost. Leave your husband to figure himself out. Don't try and find answers as this will send you on a downward spiral and don't ask for answers from him anymore. Men go into their 'caves' when they are stressed or need to work a problem out. Leave him there, don't follow him in to that cave or you will be bitten. Work towards you being the best version of yourself and switch that bit of the brain off that desperately wants to know what, where, when and why. He won't be able to tell you. Good luck OP, as said before, men can be strange creatures.
Well I've just found out he's basically acting like a single man, he's going out with family for a birthday.... wasn't even going to tell me
OP posts:
DirectTalker · 12/07/2020 12:46

People are weird right now. They have been 'locked up' for 4 months.

**Leave him there, don't follow him in to that cave or you will be bitten

Very, very true. Men do go into caves and need to process things. He has personal boundaries, he has the right to them. It is not abusive to tell you where to go if you keep pushing on them. So I'd back off him.

I would just acknowledge how he's feeling, say that you want to continue with the relationship, and state your own boundaries. 1 of those boundaries is very clearly going to be knowing where you stand, and the reason for his change in behaviour and what he intends to do about it.

I agree he sounds depressed, but alcohol will make him worse. It isn't unreasonable to tell him if he doesn't know why he feels as he does, he needs to talk to a professional. There is no shame in a man asking for help.

Mummyof2girls5and10 · 12/07/2020 14:36

This really could be my husband you could be describing 3 years ago when he had depression. I can remember one of the things he did that hurt me most was one night when he went the pub that was right across the road from our house and I'd gone to bed before he came home and I heard him leaving the pub at closing time as I had the bedroom window open and he was with a couple and there little girl and all laughing and joking and saying goodbye. Id not seen him smile for weeks let alone laugh. Made me feel like he could put on this front and be happy in front of everyone else except for when he was at home so that's when I started questioning if it was me or home life that made him sad.

Mummyof2girls5and10 · 12/07/2020 14:47

@Hanab

The more I read the more I am convinced something happened whilst he was away. If he was unfaithful perhaps he is being blackmailed .. maybe caught an std .. no one simply changes over night 🤷🏻‍♀️
Maybe he hasn't changed over night. He could have been feeling depressed for a while and doing a good job of hiding it (as men do with mental health issues) and maybe them days away he had a lot of time to himself and time to think about how he was feeling and its all just hot to much and he just can't hide it anymore. We all have a breaking point.
bumhead · 12/07/2020 15:07

Baffled why if a man is acting off or treating a woman badly people leap to assume he must be depressed.
If I treated my DH like a cunt would everyone assume I was depressed or would they assume I am a cunt for the way I'm treating him? Hmm
Even if he WAS depressed, that still doesn't excuse his behaviour. He either starts talking or starts walking.
Personally I think your H has shagged someone else or is about to.
Time to have a proper talk with him.

kaxxz · 12/07/2020 15:52

I agree with this. Maybe him being away gave him time to reflect on his life and is now feeling the way he is. It doesn't mean he's been cheating on you.

litterbird · 12/07/2020 17:20

Sorry OP to hear this. I assume you contacted him again to ask what was going on or did he tell you that he was going to a family party after you questioned him? Just asking as it really is important to let him have space and not try to find out what he is doing. He is definitely taking time out at the moment.. Leave him be and let him find out what it is like to be single and without a wife and family by his side. Its very hard for you and I have been in your position. Your mental health must come first and it cant be ruled by your husbands antics, you must take control of how you are now going to respond.

DirectTalker · 12/07/2020 17:38

@bumhead - it's a valid point. However depression is a break in the limbic system. It is physical. We call it mental health because it is literally an injury in the brain.

It isn't reasonable to ask someone with a broken leg to run for example. It would be however reasonable to kick them out for cheating whilst having the broken leg.

To answer your question, if you treated your DH like a cunt and had depression but were seeking treatment, then some of it would be acceptable as it's a temporary problem with a resolution. If you weren't seeking treatment, then he'd have every right to tell you to sling your hook 😉

MyLifeWTF · 12/07/2020 19:56

I agree with what others have said, I find it strange that he pin pointed that you dont trust him..he is feeling guilty (probably) and is setting you up to be ready to find out something. This has cheat written all over it.

Leanne1191 · 12/07/2020 20:52

@MyLifeWTF

I agree with what others have said, I find it strange that he pin pointed that you dont trust him..he is feeling guilty (probably) and is setting you up to be ready to find out something. This has cheat written all over it.
Lol oh well I've kicked him out and he don't even care so it shows me that he don't give a shit about us anyways
OP posts:
MyLifeWTF · 12/07/2020 20:57

@Leanne1191 I'm sorry to hear and it may not be what you want to hear right now but this is the best thing that can happen to you. Being in a relationship you're always second guessing and unsure of is deeply exhausting and degrading. You will feel so set free by this soon I promise x

Leanne1191 · 12/07/2020 21:42

[quote MyLifeWTF]@Leanne1191 I'm sorry to hear and it may not be what you want to hear right now but this is the best thing that can happen to you. Being in a relationship you're always second guessing and unsure of is deeply exhausting and degrading. You will feel so set free by this soon I promise x[/quote]
I hope so, tomorrow is when it's going to hit me hard, but I can't be kicked around by someone who doesn't know what he wants, I've been a wreck all week and it's not fair on the kids seeing me like this. Least now he can have his proper space can't he.....Sad

OP posts:
MyLifeWTF · 12/07/2020 21:53

@Leanne1191 the absolute truth is you will feel like shit for a few days, maybe weeks but that will only make you stronger and it WILL. Just remember he has done this not you, and once that hurt and sadness has gone one day you will see your actually happy without him and you wont even realise it until you get that lightbulb thinking actually I havent cried or thought about it for ages...stay strong.

HazelBite · 12/07/2020 22:06

Look after yourself OP and try to stop second guessing his behaviour, he's put you through too much already.
Just look after yourself and your Dc's for now.

Mummyof2girls5and10 · 13/07/2020 07:17

Oh bless you. Im so sorry to hear this. I wish you the best of luck. Stay strong and keep busy to take your mind off everything. Hopefully he will sort himself out for the kids sake

ivykaty44 · 13/07/2020 07:24

Classic
Married man has affair, want to be with OW

Makes up crap excuse why he still lives you but needs to be apart

Goes to OW

Wife thinks it’s all her doing

In reality it has nothing to do with wife

ivykaty44 · 13/07/2020 07:25

Sorry this is happening to you

Daisydoesnt · 13/07/2020 07:42

OP why did you suddenly get married 6 months ago, when you have been together for a long time and already have 3 kids? Oddly enough I know a few couples that have been together for a long time, finally get married, and then it all goes horribly wrong soon after. I am not saying this is you, but I think sometimes people use a wedding as a plaster over a crumbling relationship.

I also have to say that - whilst he was totally in the wrong to read your journal - it is very telling that you wrote such awful, horrible things about him in it “a few times.”

I must say it sounds to me that this relationship has been limping along for many years. Sometimes, people literally wake up one day and say, enough.

Yaottie · 13/07/2020 07:50

Have you sought any help from anyone about your depression, anxiety and low self esteem? You say it's caused by him but really it's not. Who were these other women he was liking photos of on Facebook?

Leanne1191 · 13/07/2020 08:05

@Yaottie

Have you sought any help from anyone about your depression, anxiety and low self esteem? You say it's caused by him but really it's not. Who were these other women he was liking photos of on Facebook?
Was a old school friend from years ago, and someone he used to send dirty pictures too before he got with me 8 years ago, I have sought help I've been referred to health in mind and I'm on anti depressants and anxiety meds.
OP posts:
Leanne1191 · 13/07/2020 08:07

@Daisydoesnt

OP why did you suddenly get married 6 months ago, when you have been together for a long time and already have 3 kids? Oddly enough I know a few couples that have been together for a long time, finally get married, and then it all goes horribly wrong soon after. I am not saying this is you, but I think sometimes people use a wedding as a plaster over a crumbling relationship.

I also have to say that - whilst he was totally in the wrong to read your journal - it is very telling that you wrote such awful, horrible things about him in it “a few times.”

I must say it sounds to me that this relationship has been limping along for many years. Sometimes, people literally wake up one day and say, enough.

As I said our relationship wasn't crumbling we had a few bumps in the road, which we smoothed out, I move literally done nothing wrong in this whole relationship, yes I had a moan and rant in my diary because I'm aloud too it's like when you moan to your best friend just unfortunately he actually see it..... but as I said weeks leading up to all this there was no indication he was unhappy we was having sex, lovely messages and calls most of the day when he was at work, he would come home and be his usual affectionate self.
OP posts:
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