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Original poster

Husband has said he's not happy?

130 replies

Leanne1191 · 10/07/2020 23:40

So yesterday my husband told me he's had enough and hasn't wanted to be at home, basically told me he's not happy, I asked why what was wrong he told me he don't know he's just had enough and can't be bothered anymore, I've asked him to try and explain why he's not happy and what's made him feel this way but he just says I don't know I don't know, he says he's still inlove with me and that I know he loves me, he started opening up a bit after a while and said he knows I don't trust him, but that's because of previous behaviour from him for example liking other woman's photos on Facebook and putting love heart eye emoji on them and he's messaged girls behind my back, he has read my iPad, now my iPad has notes that I write in when I'm feeling low and down, I suffer with depression and anxiety and in 2017 I had a breakdown, he was so good took time of work looked after me and the kids as we have three (we have been together for 8 years) (married for 6 months) but anyway because of that bad time I write all my feelings down so the date and what has triggered me feeling pants etc and he's gone through it behind my back and looked and there are a few times where I've had a rant about him and said stuff like he's such a prick he don't care he has made it all worse etc not that I mean anything by it because it's how I'm feeling for godsake and it was meant to be private but he told me that's one of the reasons and the other is because I apparently always moan about him and I'm always saying when you home from work, what time will you be home, when do you finish etc etc which I've always done it's not a recent new thing, I said do you want to work things out he said I don't know I've said do you want to have a break he said I don't know I said do you want to be with me he said I don't know, he won't give me a straight answer, he worked away for 11 days and before then everything was fine he's come back and he's been distant with me he's ignoring my messages and calls he's not being affectionate and he's just not the same person. He always hugged and kissed me and we always text each other 20-30 times a day even when he's at work he always answered all my calls but now he doesn't and he started doing that when he went away, I'm so confused about everything because we don't row, I've never cheated on him and he has said he never has on me, I'm a good mum and kids are happy, clean and fed. I don't get why he's all of a sudden said this it's completely out of the blue and Wednesday he told me we would talk when he was home from work but he stayed at his aunties the night and the day before that he was at his aunties when he told me he was working, he said he's been feeling like this for weeks but I've gone through all the messages leading up to that week that he went away and it's just the same as we've always been, I'm heart broken, confused and gutted. He will not tell me what he wants to do he won't give me answers and I wanna know what is wrong and why he feels like this but he won't tell me, he has never been like this ever not in all the 8 years we've been together, we recently got married on December 27th 2019 and have been fine, up until he went to work away for 11 days, he has said it's not because he's met anyone else, it's not because he wants the single life, it's not because he wants to play the field, it's not because he's coming up to 30 and is having a weird phase and it's not because of the lockdown that we've had either? I said about seeing a couples counsellor and he said we don't need that, I've said loads and loads but he just says I don't know, I don't know to anything I ask, anyone for any advice because I've been a wreck the past 4 days I've been worried and I've been crying not eating and not sleeping? He told his auntie that he's not eating or sleeping properly I've asked if he feels down and is feeling low he said I'm not depressed, when he was away he hardly messaged me or called me and I got angry we had an argument because of him ignoring me and stuff and I said things to him in anger and I've apologised for it and told him I didn't mean it too, I'm going out of my mind because I don't know what to do!!!! I'm gutted absolutely gutted 😢

OP posts:
Original poster
Leanne1191 · 13/07/2020 08:08

@ivykaty44

Classic Married man has affair, want to be with OW

Makes up crap excuse why he still lives you but needs to be apart

Goes to OW

Wife thinks it’s all her doing

In reality it has nothing to do with wife

Sorry what do OW mean? And yes I'm starting to believe something else is happening what I don't know as I don't have proof. Just confused by it all.
OP posts:
Original poster
Leanne1191 · 13/07/2020 08:09

@HazelBite

Look after yourself OP and try to stop second guessing his behaviour, he's put you through too much already. Just look after yourself and your Dc's for now.
That's why I kicked him out I need some tome myself I've been a mess and need to sort myself out for my kids sake.
OP posts:
Daisydoesnt · 13/07/2020 11:32

there are a few times where I've had a rant about him and said stuff like he's such a prick he don't care he has made it all worse etc not that I mean anything by it because it's how I'm feeling for godsake and it was meant to be private but he told me that's one of the reasons and the other is because I apparently always moan about him and I'm always saying when you home from work, what time will you be home, when do you finish etc etc which I've always done it's not a recent new thing

I'm really sorry you are going through this OP, but in no way does this sound like it has all come out of the blue, and that you could previously have had no inkling he was unhappy. Calling your DH a prick, and saying he doesn't care & he made your depression worse - that's awful, especially when you say yourself he'd taken time off work to look after you. I think anyone would struggle to get over that.

It sounds to me as if you have both been unhappy for a long time, and you have somehow got used to your relationship being how it is.

Rather than focusing on him, I'd really take some time to think about you and what you want.

chocolateandpinkgin · 14/07/2020 14:36

@Leanne1191 how are you?

Original poster
Leanne1191 · 15/07/2020 08:07

[quote chocolateandpinkgin]@Leanne1191 how are you?[/quote]
I'm ok, he come round yesterday and we spoke some more but I was still getting I don't know I don't know, when he left I broke down and I realised I can't be feeling like this anymore so I ended it, he come back round in announced last night and cuddled me and said I'm so sorry I've treated you like this I love you so much, if will you have me back? I said yeah off course and I said you sure this is what you want? Because I don't want you changing your mind again and he said yes I wouldn't be back here if I didn't.

OP posts:
Sillymee · 15/07/2020 09:09

Just read through all your posts and then the last one saying it’s sorted.
Good for you if that’s what you want, but just keep a close eye on him. I would guess that it was guilt making him behave that way, and that his colleague would lie for him perhaps or maybe he didn’t know, he’s not inside his hotel room with him at all time’s. I understand you wanting to sort it, but just keep a close eye on him, his behaviour, his phone etc and start getting your ducks in a row, putting money aside etc incase it happens again. All the best xx

Mummyof2girls5and10 · 15/07/2020 10:23

So glad he's realised how much he was hurting you but this is far from sorted. If you don't talk it through and get to the route cause of why he's been acting this way then you are always going to be thinking about it and you will just keep going around in circles

Original poster
Leanne1191 · 15/07/2020 17:36

@Sillymee

Just read through all your posts and then the last one saying it’s sorted. Good for you if that’s what you want, but just keep a close eye on him. I would guess that it was guilt making him behave that way, and that his colleague would lie for him perhaps or maybe he didn’t know, he’s not inside his hotel room with him at all time’s. I understand you wanting to sort it, but just keep a close eye on him, his behaviour, his phone etc and start getting your ducks in a row, putting money aside etc incase it happens again. All the best xx
I am worried in case he does it again that's all that going to be going through my head which isn't healthy, I have tried to ring him today but he's ignored and my last message I sent him.....Confused
OP posts:
Original poster
Leanne1191 · 15/07/2020 17:37

@Mummyof2girls5and10

So glad he's realised how much he was hurting you but this is far from sorted. If you don't talk it through and get to the route cause of why he's been acting this way then you are always going to be thinking about it and you will just keep going around in circles
I'm going to see tonight what the route cause is because I don't want any of this happening again
OP posts:
Redcups64 · 15/07/2020 19:08

Sounds like “the script”

Sorry to say it op but sounds like he hooked up with someone and is feeling terribly guilty and trying to push all that guilt on you making out it’s your fault.

He either done it at his aunties or has told his aunt a lie that he was doing something else and asked her to say he was at hers so you don’t worry or something like that.

Defiantly sounds like he is pushing his guilt around though.

Original poster
Leanne1191 · 15/07/2020 20:31

@Redcups64

Sounds like “the script”

Sorry to say it op but sounds like he hooked up with someone and is feeling terribly guilty and trying to push all that guilt on you making out it’s your fault.

He either done it at his aunties or has told his aunt a lie that he was doing something else and asked her to say he was at hers so you don’t worry or something like that.

Defiantly sounds like he is pushing his guilt around though.

He back this evening but I just feel different.... I don't know how to explain it, I just sense something is wrong but he will never tell me the truth SadConfused
OP posts:
Mummyof2girls5and10 · 15/07/2020 21:12

I'm sorry to say but I think in this case you need to trust your gut instincts

Original poster
Leanne1191 · 15/07/2020 21:14

@Mummyof2girls5and10

I'm sorry to say but I think in this case you need to trust your gut instincts
He reckons he has a break away and a taste of freedom..... but I'm not sure........ something don't sit right with me Confused
OP posts:
StealthNinjaMum · 15/07/2020 21:32

Sorry op, my stbexh did a similar thing. Said he fell out of love with me and wanted to leave. I persuaded him to stay and things seemed good, we seemed to resolve our problems. He was just waiting for a more convenient (for him) time to go and left three years later.

A relationship can only be fixed if both parties want it to be and can work on it openly and honestly. Personally I think you should ask him to move out and make it clear you need a proper conversation , perhaps counselling and that he isn’t coming back without making the effort to fix things.

Sending hugs. You will get through this even if he does go.

Mummyof2girls5and10 · 16/07/2020 07:50

This can be the case for some men. They struggle with the settling down with a family,they get a week away with work and start thinking about how much easier life would be without responsibilities. But that's tough luck . He made the choice to have children,settle down,get married so he needs to face up to that and realise how lucky he is to have you and dc. How old is your husband?

Original poster
Leanne1191 · 16/07/2020 08:45

@Mummyof2girls5and10

This can be the case for some men. They struggle with the settling down with a family,they get a week away with work and start thinking about how much easier life would be without responsibilities. But that's tough luck . He made the choice to have children,settle down,get married so he needs to face up to that and realise how lucky he is to have you and dc. How old is your husband?
He's 30 in September
OP posts:
Sunshineandflipflops · 16/07/2020 08:48

Not read the whole thread but my exh said pretty much the same things to me shortly before I discovered he was having an affair. Wasn't happy, didn't know why...blamed a few things on me (clearly couldn't think of much I'd done wrong so said I don't go out enough...erm...we have two kids), wasn't sure if he still loved me but I was his best friend, blah, blah. It was obviously guilt.

Hope that's not the case for you op but don't be surprised if it is.

Sunshineandflipflops · 16/07/2020 08:49

And my ex worked with younger people who didn't have the responsibilities of kids, etc and clearly thought he was missing out as he had an affair with one of them, who was 13 years younger with no kids. He looked like a pathetic man having a mid life crisis.

Pebblexox · 16/07/2020 08:50

My dh and I went through a bit of a rocky patch at the start of the year. Where we were both a little miserable.
So I don't always buy into the whole 'I'm not happy because I want to cheat' however we sat down and spoke about what was going on with is, a lot. We got to the bottom of our problems, and why we were feeling the way we were.
We then spent the next few months working on those points, and now we're back on track and happy!
The issue here is your husband doesn't know why he's not happy, and by the sounds of it isn't willing to sit down and talk to you about what's going on. That for me is a red flag.

madbirdlady22 · 16/07/2020 08:57

I don't think I would want to live my life with a permanent sense of insecurity and red flags.

Op he seems conflicted, very conflicted for whatever reason you are yet to find out.
However, you can take the matter into your own hands and do what is right for you and the children. If he is not happy he should properly move out, and let you get on with your life. He is half in, and half out and that is not healthy at all. I suspect there is someone else, and he doesn't know whether it will work out, so he is keeping his options open with you. MN are usually always spot on when it comes to recognising the pattern, I am sorry to say this has all the hallmarks.

You need to protect yourself and your property, and everything else in the meantime.

Zaphodsotherhead · 16/07/2020 09:15

I wonder if he's just broken your relationship beyond repair?

IME, some people (I am one) can't cope with this kind of upset in a relationship and it 'breaks' something inside me. I can never feel about the person the same way again - it's kind of a 'waiting for the other shoe to drop' feeling, even if it goes on for years and the relationship appears to have been repaired. There's always a feeling that something is missing somehow and I hold a part of myself back.

It's always proved to be right and has protected me against subsequent heartbreak when the relationship has gone, as it almost inevitably does, tits up. Once it's broken, it's broken and you can glue over the cracks, but they are still there.

Saywhoo · 16/07/2020 12:13

I think you need to approach communicating with him in another way, try writing him a letter and ask him to write one back.
As a man I know how difficult it is to put feelings into words and sometimes I think woman don't understand that, because it seems to be so much easier for women.
I can relate to the "I don't know thing",a few years ago when my own relationship was not going so well I had to write my partner a letter because I didn't know how to talk to her, even now she will say whats the matter? And ill say nothing or I don't know instead of being able to explain its like a weird mental block.
But ultimately I think if there's anyway to restore your relationship you both need counselling, if he can't get a grip of upnderstanding what is wrong and end up with an explanation for how he's been acting you'll never really trust him again.

Also you have no evidence of him cheating, you have more to the contrary: you've phoned his work colleague, you've asked him outright, his aunties verified his alibi.
Not all men are cheaters do you consider him an honest man? You know him far better than anyone on this forum!

Original poster
Leanne1191 · 18/07/2020 08:22

@Saywhoo

I think you need to approach communicating with him in another way, try writing him a letter and ask him to write one back. As a man I know how difficult it is to put feelings into words and sometimes I think woman don't understand that, because it seems to be so much easier for women. I can relate to the "I don't know thing",a few years ago when my own relationship was not going so well I had to write my partner a letter because I didn't know how to talk to her, even now she will say whats the matter? And ill say nothing or I don't know instead of being able to explain its like a weird mental block. But ultimately I think if there's anyway to restore your relationship you both need counselling, if he can't get a grip of upnderstanding what is wrong and end up with an explanation for how he's been acting you'll never really trust him again.

Also you have no evidence of him cheating, you have more to the contrary: you've phoned his work colleague, you've asked him outright, his aunties verified his alibi.
Not all men are cheaters do you consider him an honest man? You know him far better than anyone on this forum!

He finally told me the reason yesterday, it was because he was away and I had sent him some shitty messages because he was acting all weird on me and he thought fuck this I'll be on my own and had a taste of freedom as such words which was used, I'm not happy and I don't know how I'm going to get through this if honest he's really hurt me and the excuses are just a fucking joke really you don't treat someone like that because of a 'taste of freedom' he really hurt me the past week and a bit and I just don't think I can ever forgive him for this....Confused
OP posts:
Original poster
Leanne1191 · 18/07/2020 08:23

@Zaphodsotherhead

I wonder if he's just broken your relationship beyond repair?

IME, some people (I am one) can't cope with this kind of upset in a relationship and it 'breaks' something inside me. I can never feel about the person the same way again - it's kind of a 'waiting for the other shoe to drop' feeling, even if it goes on for years and the relationship appears to have been repaired. There's always a feeling that something is missing somehow and I hold a part of myself back.

It's always proved to be right and has protected me against subsequent heartbreak when the relationship has gone, as it almost inevitably does, tits up. Once it's broken, it's broken and you can glue over the cracks, but they are still there.

He has broken our relationship beyond repair and for some shit excuse! I don't think I can get over this if I'm honest, he's really hurt me and caused a lot of damage and I don't think I can forgive him for all this.....Confused
OP posts:
Original poster
Leanne1191 · 18/07/2020 08:24

@madbirdlady22

I don't think I would want to live my life with a permanent sense of insecurity and red flags.

Op he seems conflicted, very conflicted for whatever reason you are yet to find out.
However, you can take the matter into your own hands and do what is right for you and the children. If he is not happy he should properly move out, and let you get on with your life. He is half in, and half out and that is not healthy at all. I suspect there is someone else, and he doesn't know whether it will work out, so he is keeping his options open with you. MN are usually always spot on when it comes to recognising the pattern, I am sorry to say this has all the hallmarks.

You need to protect yourself and your property, and everything else in the meantime.

No I don't want to either, I think him doing what he has done has ruined us and I don't think I can ever forgive him for this..... I think we are done because I just don't get the shitty reason behind it, it's a cop out and you don't do that to someone your meant to love Sad
OP posts:
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