Husband has said he's not happy?

[Leanne1191]

So yesterday my husband told me he's had enough and hasn't wanted to be at home, basically told me he's not happy, I asked why what was wrong he told me he don't know he's just had enough and can't be bothered anymore, I've asked him to try and explain why he's not happy and what's made him feel this way but he just says I don't know I don't know, he says he's still inlove with me and that I know he loves me, he started opening up a bit after a while and said he knows I don't trust him, but that's because of previous behaviour from him for example liking other woman's photos on Facebook and putting love heart eye emoji on them and he's messaged girls behind my back, he has read my iPad, now my iPad has notes that I write in when I'm feeling low and down, I suffer with depression and anxiety and in 2017 I had a breakdown, he was so good took time of work looked after me and the kids as we have three (we have been together for 8 years) (married for 6 months) but anyway because of that bad time I write all my feelings down so the date and what has triggered me feeling pants etc and he's gone through it behind my back and looked and there are a few times where I've had a rant about him and said stuff like he's such a prick he don't care he has made it all worse etc not that I mean anything by it because it's how I'm feeling for godsake and it was meant to be private but he told me that's one of the reasons and the other is because I apparently always moan about him and I'm always saying when you home from work, what time will you be home, when do you finish etc etc which I've always done it's not a recent new thing, I said do you want to work things out he said I don't know I've said do you want to have a break he said I don't know I said do you want to be with me he said I don't know, he won't give me a straight answer, he worked away for 11 days and before then everything was fine he's come back and he's been distant with me he's ignoring my messages and calls he's not being affectionate and he's just not the same person. He always hugged and kissed me and we always text each other 20-30 times a day even when he's at work he always answered all my calls but now he doesn't and he started doing that when he went away, I'm so confused about everything because we don't row, I've never cheated on him and he has said he never has on me, I'm a good mum and kids are happy, clean and fed. I don't get why he's all of a sudden said this it's completely out of the blue and Wednesday he told me we would talk when he was home from work but he stayed at his aunties the night and the day before that he was at his aunties when he told me he was working, he said he's been feeling like this for weeks but I've gone through all the messages leading up to that week that he went away and it's just the same as we've always been, I'm heart broken, confused and gutted. He will not tell me what he wants to do he won't give me answers and I wanna know what is wrong and why he feels like this but he won't tell me, he has never been like this ever not in all the 8 years we've been together, we recently got married on December 27th 2019 and have been fine, up until he went to work away for 11 days, he has said it's not because he's met anyone else, it's not because he wants the single life, it's not because he wants to play the field, it's not because he's coming up to 30 and is having a weird phase and it's not because of the lockdown that we've had either? I said about seeing a couples counsellor and he said we don't need that, I've said loads and loads but he just says I don't know, I don't know to anything I ask, anyone for any advice because I've been a wreck the past 4 days I've been worried and I've been crying not eating and not sleeping? He told his auntie that he's not eating or sleeping properly I've asked if he feels down and is feeling low he said I'm not depressed, when he was away he hardly messaged me or called me and I got angry we had an argument because of him ignoring me and stuff and I said things to him in anger and I've apologised for it and told him I didn't mean it too, I'm going out of my mind because I don't know what to do!!!! I'm gutted absolutely gutted 😢

@rvby

I know you say hes told you this and that, that he still loves you, isnt cheating, etc. Etc.

But you do know that people lie don't you... his auntie can lie, the lad he works with can lie. You realize that? Folk lie all the time. Men lie loads to women about how they feel, often because as men they don't want to look like the bad guy. They would rather the woman feels like she is losing her mind, so that he can point at her and say "yeah she is crazy so I'm leaving her". Happens all the time.

You've got to stop asking why, and just look at the actions he is taking. He doesn't want to be around you, hes making you feel horrible. That isnt the actions of a partner and someone who loves you.

Talk to a counselor and get 15 mins with a solicitor. Those two things will help you a lot more than talking to this man - he isn't your friend, he has shown you that now x

Yeah your right, that's what I thought I keep thinking maybe I should go back and say do you know what the way you've treated me I'm deciding enough is enough, but then maybe he's waiting for me to do that as you say so he don't look like the bad guy gives him a reason to leave then doesn't it, the thought of him with someone else makes me physically sick! I don't think I could handle that truth if he is playing away

@RedOasis

Are there financial issues that you don’t know about? Is he struggling at work or at risk of redundancy? Is he suffering mentally - may be totally exhausted, can’t cope with anything and can’t think properly therefore says I don’t know all the time? May be a mid life crisis? 30 is still quite young and you guys have three kids? Or he could be seeing someone else or emotionally being with someone else? Sorry this is difficult for you. But you won’t know until he talks. Would he write down if he can’t talk to you? Maybe say to him is it this or this or that? I’m worried and can’t help cos you won’t talk to me? 💐

No financial worries that I'm aware of no, he's self employed and has loads of work, I've tried everything honestly he won't talk to me about anything and I just want to know whether he wants to be with me or not.... if he's depressed then say too because how am I meant to know if he is? He's hardly eating he's not sleeping either

I am so sorry to say, but this was me last year. Almost word for word what you have posted. Together 16 years, married with children and all of a sudden out of the blue he 'wasnt happy and didnt know what he wanted'. Like you I begged for answers, he swore point blank there was no one else involved, he was just confused and didnt know what he wanted. He'd been working away recently too.

There was someone else, he'd had his head turned. I was devastated and didn't know what to do and just wanted to figure out how to be better so he would love me again. But the thing I eventually came to realise - and what you also need to realise - is that this isn't about you. It's no reflection on you at all, it doesn't mean you're a bad person or that you're not funny/exciting/attractive enough. I felt like that too and my self esteem was at completely rock bottom but I'm gradually building it up again.

Eventually I did find out the truth, he'd met someone and felt a 'connection' with them and he basically just developed a bit of a teenage crush, it was all a bit pathetic really. Nothing ever happened with her (I realise that's what they all say but I do actually know this for sure), she was never even aware of his feelings, I think she actually already had a partner. But basically because some men are just a bit emotionally immature (sorry I know that's a sweeping statement, I'm sure some women are too), he basically thought in his mind 'oh god I've got feelings for someone else, that must mean I dont love chocolateandpinkgin anymore'. Whereas me because I'm not completely stupid I'm fully aware that you can be married/in a relationship and still fancy other people and it's totally fine!

I agree with previous posters that you do need to ask him to stay elsewhere for a few weeks. It's very tempting to beg them to stay and do the 'pick me' dance and try to show him how great you are but trust me it wont work. You will make yourself ill, sadly I know this from experience. You need to let him feel what it's like to miss you. That might be enough to fix this (this is obviously assuming he isn't cheating). If it's not, and a break makes him realise he doesn't want to be with you - then it's absolutely shit, you'll be devastated and you'll feel like you wont get through this, but I promise you will. Lots of people have before, and plenty more people will.

I got tough in the end. I spent months feeling sick with anxiety and trying to second guess his feelings, pretty much exactly what you have described. Eventually I thought fuck it. If he's happy to throw away our life together, all our years together and our lovely family life that we have built, all for the sake of a stupid crush on some woman he barely knows, then he can fuck off. Obviously I was still terrified at the thought of being on my own but I'd worked on my self esteem and getting stronger and I knew somehow I'd be OK. He did see sense in the end and he quit that particular job so that he wouldnt be in contact with her any more, and he says often what a fucking idiot he was back then. But please don't let it drag on as long as I did. You are worth more, you ARE good enough, and if he can't see that then he's an idiot and you deserve better anyway. Look after yourself x

@chocolateandpinkgin

I am so sorry to say, but this was me last year. Almost word for word what you have posted. Together 16 years, married with children and all of a sudden out of the blue he 'wasnt happy and didnt know what he wanted'. Like you I begged for answers, he swore point blank there was no one else involved, he was just confused and didnt know what he wanted. He'd been working away recently too.

There was someone else, he'd had his head turned. I was devastated and didn't know what to do and just wanted to figure out how to be better so he would love me again. But the thing I eventually came to realise - and what you also need to realise - is that this isn't about you. It's no reflection on you at all, it doesn't mean you're a bad person or that you're not funny/exciting/attractive enough. I felt like that too and my self esteem was at completely rock bottom but I'm gradually building it up again.

Eventually I did find out the truth, he'd met someone and felt a 'connection' with them and he basically just developed a bit of a teenage crush, it was all a bit pathetic really. Nothing ever happened with her (I realise that's what they all say but I do actually know this for sure), she was never even aware of his feelings, I think she actually already had a partner. But basically because some men are just a bit emotionally immature (sorry I know that's a sweeping statement, I'm sure some women are too), he basically thought in his mind 'oh god I've got feelings for someone else, that must mean I dont love chocolateandpinkgin anymore'. Whereas me because I'm not completely stupid I'm fully aware that you can be married/in a relationship and still fancy other people and it's totally fine!

I agree with previous posters that you do need to ask him to stay elsewhere for a few weeks. It's very tempting to beg them to stay and do the 'pick me' dance and try to show him how great you are but trust me it wont work. You will make yourself ill, sadly I know this from experience. You need to let him feel what it's like to miss you. That might be enough to fix this (this is obviously assuming he isn't cheating). If it's not, and a break makes him realise he doesn't want to be with you - then it's absolutely shit, you'll be devastated and you'll feel like you wont get through this, but I promise you will. Lots of people have before, and plenty more people will.

I got tough in the end. I spent months feeling sick with anxiety and trying to second guess his feelings, pretty much exactly what you have described. Eventually I thought fuck it. If he's happy to throw away our life together, all our years together and our lovely family life that we have built, all for the sake of a stupid crush on some woman he barely knows, then he can fuck off. Obviously I was still terrified at the thought of being on my own but I'd worked on my self esteem and getting stronger and I knew somehow I'd be OK. He did see sense in the end and he quit that particular job so that he wouldnt be in contact with her any more, and he says often what a fucking idiot he was back then. But please don't let it drag on as long as I did. You are worth more, you ARE good enough, and if he can't see that then he's an idiot and you deserve better anyway. Look after yourself x

I think I'm going to stay at my mums again tonight and tomorrow, I won't message him now until Monday and I'll ask for answers then if he tells me then he don't want to be with me then he will have to go even though it will hurt like hell! if he tells me he still doesn't know I'm going to have to say bye, I can't cope with waiting around for him to decide whether he does want me or not, and I'm hurting and feeling so shit, it's the not knowing feeling that I hate and I'm already not eating or sleeping I keep crying and questioning myself thinking am I too naggy? Is it cos I don't make myself look nice anymore? I just can't keep feeling like this, I've been feeling like this since last Saturday when he came back from the job he worked at and it's been fucking horrible I've never know hurt like it, plus it's not fair on the kids seeing me so upset, I just need to take control as this feeling is awful

@Leanne1191 if you want to stay at your mums for the next night or two then do, and get some support but I would then seriously consider going home and making him stay elsewhere. Because if he's considering leaving the home and not living with you and his kids any more, then he needs to experience what that is like. Right now he's still got all his home comforts, even if you are not there.

I keep crying and questioning myself thinking am I too naggy? Is it cos I don't make myself look nice anymore?

Yep, this was me. It's awful. I couldnt even look at myself in the mirror, I hated myself that much. It's really not you though, I promise you that. You need to do a bit of work on your self esteem like I did. I still have times when I'm self conscious but on the whole I'm learning to love myself a bit more. You're a good person, you haven't done anything wrong, you ARE good enough. This issue is 100% on him x

[quote chocolateandpinkgin]@Leanne1191 if you want to stay at your mums for the next night or two then do, and get some support but I would then seriously consider going home and making him stay elsewhere. Because if he's considering leaving the home and not living with you and his kids any more, then he needs to experience what that is like. Right now he's still got all his home comforts, even if you are not there.

I keep crying and questioning myself thinking am I too naggy? Is it cos I don't make myself look nice anymore?

Yep, this was me. It's awful. I couldnt even look at myself in the mirror, I hated myself that much. It's really not you though, I promise you that. You need to do a bit of work on your self esteem like I did. I still have times when I'm self conscious but on the whole I'm learning to love myself a bit more. You're a good person, you haven't done anything wrong, you ARE good enough. This issue is 100% on him x[/quote]
Maybe I'll go home tomorrow then because I am feeling home sick, not being in my own home etc, it's just hurting because we only married 6 months ago and we've been together so long it's such an awful experience. I don't get how he can change his mind all of a sudden and be so cold..... I just don't get it.

Op you sound very high maintenance . I would be furious if I told my husband that I hadn't cheated and he called people from my job to see if it was true. You clearly do not trust gun in any way shape or form. So what if he was liking people's photos? So what if he was liking women's photos? He is not there to prop up your emotions and self regulation. He has taken time off work to help you with anxiety and depression. You openly say you have no self esteem and I can't help but ask what exactly have you done to improve YOUR OWN mental health?

His behaviour should not determine your mental state. Texting 29-30 times a day is not healthy but it's seems quite obvious that it's something that you like more than him. He does it to placate you. Then he got a break and I bet it was like was like a giant weight was lifted. In the nicest possible way, it is EXHAUSTING being with somebody with no self esteem. Constantly checking in. Then them checking up on you. Cashing friends and family. It rides on your own self esteem and destroys trust. If you didn't trust him you should have ended your relationship. It's horrible and soul destroying for both parties going through the constant checking up and checking in. Even now you seem more focused on your heart being broken if he has cheated than the fact that he has told you how unhappy he is. And still you call and call. Check up. Ask his mates.

Has he cheated? Who cares. It's not important. You really need to learn some techniques and improve your self esteem. Be the master of your own happiness and self worth before you ever get into another relationship. You will be so much happier! Your relationship is over. Did he cheat? Doesn't matter . You both deserve more.

@IAmReportingYouForBBQing

Op you sound very high maintenance . I would be furious if I told my husband that I hadn't cheated and he called people from my job to see if it was true. You clearly do not trust gun in any way shape or form. So what if he was liking people's photos? So what if he was liking women's photos? He is not there to prop up your emotions and self regulation. He has taken time off work to help you with anxiety and depression. You openly say you have no self esteem and I can't help but ask what exactly have you done to improve YOUR OWN mental health?

His behaviour should not determine your mental state. Texting 29-30 times a day is not healthy but it's seems quite obvious that it's something that you like more than him. He does it to placate you. Then he got a break and I bet it was like was like a giant weight was lifted. In the nicest possible way, it is EXHAUSTING being with somebody with no self esteem. Constantly checking in. Then them checking up on you. Cashing friends and family. It rides on your own self esteem and destroys trust. If you didn't trust him you should have ended your relationship. It's horrible and soul destroying for both parties going through the constant checking up and checking in. Even now you seem more focused on your heart being broken if he has cheated than the fact that he has told you how unhappy he is. And still you call and call. Check up. Ask his mates.

Has he cheated? Who cares. It's not important. You really need to learn some techniques and improve your self esteem. Be the master of your own happiness and self worth before you ever get into another relationship. You will be so much happier! Your relationship is over. Did he cheat? Doesn't matter . You both deserve more.

Ouch that was harsh, the reason for my low self esteem is because of him, in the past he's messaged other women and stuff, that plays on your mind I always feel not good enough, if he's cheated yeah it's going to break my heart obviously we've just got married literally 6 months ago, as I said we've always messaged that much in the day and if I didnt message him he would message me so yeah it is weird that he all of a sudden doesn't do this anymore? You don't treat someone you love like this and he's dangling me there like I'm some sort of toy and it isn't fair, I didn't post on here for people to be literally rude about it all I wanted advice.... but cheers 👍🏻

Op you need to leave either way I think, I’ve had this in the past my then dp hadn’t cheated to be honest when he worked away but clearly loved not having to come home to me, I didn’t have kids then, I think he’s either cheated or felt a sense of freedom (like my ex) and thought he just didn’t want to be tied down. Heartbreaking and I can feel your sadness but do this for you! You take him back (I did this) if it doesn’t happen again you’ll have a little knot of worry all the time wondering when it next will! Take care of yourself I have a lovely dp now! You will find someone too x

@tmh88

Op you need to leave either way I think, I’ve had this in the past my then dp hadn’t cheated to be honest when he worked away but clearly loved not having to come home to me, I didn’t have kids then, I think he’s either cheated or felt a sense of freedom (like my ex) and thought he just didn’t want to be tied down. Heartbreaking and I can feel your sadness but do this for you! You take him back (I did this) if it doesn’t happen again you’ll have a little knot of worry all the time wondering when it next will! Take care of yourself I have a lovely dp now! You will find someone too x

As I've said in previous posts I have tried talking to him 2 nights in a row but I don't get anything out of him, he just stares at me like no one is home it's so weird, he's drunk beers every night since being back too which is weird and has been smoking again he don't smoke and he quit years ago.... I just think maybe I need to make the decision because I can't keep waiting for him when all he gives me is a I don't know back

@tmh88

Op you need to leave either way I think, I’ve had this in the past my then dp hadn’t cheated to be honest when he worked away but clearly loved not having to come home to me, I didn’t have kids then, I think he’s either cheated or felt a sense of freedom (like my ex) and thought he just didn’t want to be tied down. Heartbreaking and I can feel your sadness but do this for you! You take him back (I did this) if it doesn’t happen again you’ll have a little knot of worry all the time wondering when it next will! Take care of yourself I have a lovely dp now! You will find someone too x

As I've said in previous posts I have tried talking to him 2 nights in a row but I don't get anything out of him, he just stares at me like no one is home it's so weird, he's drunk beers every night since being back too which is weird and has been smoking again he don't smoke and he quit years ago.... I just think maybe I need to make the decision because I can't keep waiting for him when all he gives me is a I don't know back

awww well maybe this is all innocent and he's done nothing wrong and could be suffering from depression?

@Mummyof2girls5and10

awww well maybe this is all innocent and he's done nothing wrong and could be suffering from depression?

I did think that.... but he has said he's not depressed and he's not going to the doctors?

This is exactly how my husband was 3 years ago. Saying he wasn't happy but didn't know why, drinking more, even the staring at me blankly when I tried to talk to him. I just couldn't get through to him. I ended up taking our dc and going to stay at my sisters for a couple of days and this was a wake up call for him that made him promise to seek help and to see the gp. He was prescribed antidepressants and they took a few weeks but did work and helped him through it. He took them for around 6 months then stopped taking them and thankfully he's not had another episode since then as he has been more open to talking about his feelings and not letting everything get on top of him again.

My husband wouldn't admit he wS depressed and refused see gp for weeks but me taking the dc to my sisters for a couple of days changed his mind as I told him I couldn't live like this any more

@Mummyof2girls5and10

This is exactly how my husband was 3 years ago. Saying he wasn't happy but didn't know why, drinking more, even the staring at me blankly when I tried to talk to him. I just couldn't get through to him. I ended up taking our dc and going to stay at my sisters for a couple of days and this was a wake up call for him that made him promise to seek help and to see the gp. He was prescribed antidepressants and they took a few weeks but did work and helped him through it. He took them for around 6 months then stopped taking them and thankfully he's not had another episode since then as he has been more open to talking about his feelings and not letting everything get on top of him again.

It's weird isn't it, I wish he would say that he needs help, I don't know whether I should go back home and him go elsewhere tomorrow because we have three children and he has two and I've got one of them, it's just a horrible feeling isn't it? But if he won't talk I don't know how I'm meant to help....

I think you should go back home. That's the children's home.
He should move out for a while to give you both some space.

@stealm

I think you should go back home. That's the children's home. He should move out for a while to give you both some space.

He's acting like nothings happened he's gone to his brothers and is drinking again

@stealm

I think you should go back home. That's the children's home. He should move out for a while to give you both some space.

He's acting like nothings happened he's gone to his brothers and is drinking again

@stealm

I think you should go back home. That's the children's home. He should move out for a while to give you both some space.

He's acting like nothings happened he's gone to his brothers and is drinking again

What about calling his gp yourself and telling the gp your concerns and maybe they could offer some advice on ways to get him to open up. Have you told your husband how unhappy and Awkward this situation is making you feel? Maybe try get him to see it from your perspective. Does he have a high pressure job? As this is what my husbands depression stemmed from

@Mummyof2girls5and10

What about calling his gp yourself and telling the gp your concerns and maybe they could offer some advice on ways to get him to open up. Have you told your husband how unhappy and Awkward this situation is making you feel? Maybe try get him to see it from your perspective. Does he have a high pressure job? As this is what my husbands depression stemmed from

He does to be fair his phone is always going because people want their flooring done he's a floor specialist so does carpets, Lino, wooden floors etc etc so yes his job is demanding to be fair, but he said yesterday that he loves his job.

My husband loves his job too but it can get a bit much sometimes as he's a manager in a big factory and has to make hard decisions for example redundancies. Plus the hours can be really long at times so he gets exhausted. And I know how busy flooring is at the moment as we ordered a carpet to be fitted on our stairs and landing and the guy in the shop said in the 20 yrs the shop has been open they have never been so busy. It really does sound like depression to me. When my husband started recovering and opening up he said he just felt numb and was drinking every day just to feel something. Funny ones these men are, they will moan and seek sympathy for a little sniffle but when its something serious they claim up and refuse to talk especially with mental health issues

You are pinning an awful lot on having got married 6 months ago. But some people can compartmentalise very well. They can be in love, happy to be getting married, love their wife and kids, and STILL be looking around at other women, messaging them, sleeping with them. The two states can exist simultaneously.

Just because he married you six months ago doesn't mean he was a completely different person then. Just that he got caught up in wedding planning and you were probably on a 'high' from the whole thing too, sweeping him along.

Ultimately you may never know or find out whether he's cheated. He says he's unhappy. You can't force him to be happy with you, whatever ther reason. Start making your own life, without him. If he's really in love with you and just suffering a crisis, he can go to his GP or get himself some therapy. Or he can just sod off and shag everything that moves. It won't be your problem. But you really need to be strong for your children, and make your own life.

@Mummyof2girls5and10

My husband loves his job too but it can get a bit much sometimes as he's a manager in a big factory and has to make hard decisions for example redundancies. Plus the hours can be really long at times so he gets exhausted. And I know how busy flooring is at the moment as we ordered a carpet to be fitted on our stairs and landing and the guy in the shop said in the 20 yrs the shop has been open they have never been so busy. It really does sound like depression to me. When my husband started recovering and opening up he said he just felt numb and was drinking every day just to feel something. Funny ones these men are, they will moan and seek sympathy for a little sniffle but when its something serious they claim up and refuse to talk especially with mental health issues

The more I think about it the more I think it's depression because, he's not eating well, not sleeping, has started to be withdrawn from me and has been drinking beers every night, not loads but a few in the evening and he never did that every night......