Husband watches porn

[ElJMol]

have been with my partner for 22 years. We have 2 children together. The only thing we ever argue or row about is his persistent use of porn. I do not like it at all. I have spoken a lot at length on how it makes me feel. I don’t know if it’s me with the issue here but I can’t help how I feel. It makes me feel under valued, totally destroys my self esteem, puts me off wanting to have sex with him as I can’t get out of my head the worry of him thinking of those women on the videos he watches. Which then leads to a viscous circle. I ask him why he feels the need to use it:

1. I enjoy sex and never turn him down.
2. okay during lockdown we haven’t had the freedom as much due to kids being home more, they are 17 & 20)
3. he’s watched it when I’ve been home either in bed, late at night or first thing in the morning again when I’m here and available.

I don’t go looking for proof but he doesn’t realise that his phone is connected to the iMac we all use as a family. I found it 11.20am on Sunday morning when I was either upstairs or in the shower. Kids don’t get up til late afternoon so no reason why he couldn’t initiate it with me, but he used that instead. It makes me feel like he is a bit of a “dirty old man” feeling, I try not to think like this and I even try getting those thoughts out of my head. When we’ve argued about it he turns it on me, saying I’m over reacting, it’s visual, men need visual help unlike women, he needs to empty his sac, and totally justifies it.

I don’t like feeling like this but I can’t help how I feel. What can I do?

You need to decide if you can live with it OP as he's obviously not going to stop. You've spoken to him and told him how you feel and he has continued.

Your feelings are perfectly valid, it's obviously something you don't want in your relationship and that is your prerogative.

You need to have a think about where you go from here.

I agree with you, it’s been happening all through our marriage. He isn’t going to change now is he? He just doesn’t see it and how it affects me. If he was single etc then yes, fine but he isn’t but is acting as if he is. I’m sick of it going on and on, he sort of justifies it and then we’re okay and then I find it once again! I’m fighting a losing battle especially as he thinks “it’s normal!”

Well if it's so normal, watch it for you without him and tell him you enjoyed getting off without him.
Or order a new supply of dildos.
But seriously if you don't like it and he won't listen, you don't need to put up with this, you quite right to not to like it if it makes you uncomfortable, your future in your hands!

But of course it is normal - majority of people masturbate.
He uses porn for that.
If you used vibrators - as someone suggested clutching pearls - that would also be normal.

IF porn affected your sex life - and he’d chose that excessively over sex with you - you’d have a point. But you don’t mention anything of the sort.
What you do mention is your insecurity. And a strange belief/fear that somehow he is imaging women on the screen - when he is intimate with you.
It doesn’t happen like that. On average - porn/masturbation sessions don’t last long. And no one really identifies with the actors as real people. As he says - it’s just a visual.

And I am a female - before I get accused of being a man and not understanding how women think.

Forgot to add - of course you can also divorce. No one needs to be unhappy in a marriage.
But - really - in this case - if the only issue is that he wanks to porn every now and then - not sure why anyone would throw away 22 years of otherwise good marriage. Especially when it’s your own insecurity that is the cause of your feelings.

You can’t control all of his sexually. As he shouldn’t control yours. Masturbation is normal and can coexist with sex with a partner. And controlling how your partner masturbates is really not what one should do. Because you can’t be in his head.
Think about it - If he weren’t watching porn - what if he imagined sex with someone who isn’t you. Would you also insist he only imagined you? And how would you control that?
Taken to extreme this becomes ridiculous. No?

You should stop worrying. If you are happy with your sex life - and it sounds as if you are - then your DHs use of porn is a private matter as long as it is legal and adult. Porn is like alcohol, most people use it in moderation without any problem, but a few can become addicted and allow it to ruin lives and relationships. From what you say your DH is very much in the former category, he has been using it for a long time and, apart from your paranoia (sorry but that's what it sounds like) there is no problem.

I've been with my DW for 30 years, we have an active and fulfilling sex life and she rarely turns me down. I never turn her down. But I use porn regularly, sometimes on days when we have already had sex. Please try to overcome your feelings on this, nobody is perfect, you could undermine what sounds like a successful LTR for what is frankly a trivial issue.

@Josuk Not everyone feels like you and I about it, and that doesn't make them 'wrong,' their feelings are valid.

Someone watching porn I wouldn't take personally at all, but everyone's different.

Especially when it’s your own insecurity that is the cause of your feelings.

Feeling this way about porn doesn't necessarily mean a woman 'has issues' in a bad way to an extent that's worse than the rest of us, it's just one of those things. There are things that make me feel bad that other people don't have a problem with.

@Anothernick that's great your wife is happy with it, I also hope she gets off a lot too while while watching other men.
Op is unhappy with the situation and is not a trivial thing to some people especially when they express they don't like it.

Hi, I don't know if this helps but, my ex watched porn even when we would do it loads every day. He told me it was a visual. I made him show me what he watched to see the kind of porn it was and it wasn't gross or anything.
I was really unhappy and felt the same as you. So I spoke with my close male friend who I have known for years, who is extremely sexually active and has lots of sex with lots of women. He told me 'it's normal guys do that thing. It's a visual, not a replacement or anything against the partner/gf. Us guys know these girls are s@@ts we wouldnt touch that kind of girl, we just like a visual, sometimes to get ideas or sometimes to get in the mood whilst the gf is in the shower or something'
It doesn't sit right with me but I am just relaying what I was told.
I hope this helps x

@CatwomanXD

Us guys know these girls are s@@ts we wouldnt touch that kind of girl, we just like a visual, sometimes to get ideas or sometimes to get in the mood whilst the gf is in the shower or something'

Sounds like disgusting misogyny to me which is rife in porn and a reason why a lot of women don't like it. Your friends sound lovely.

Masturbation is normal, porn use is a choice.

This makes me wonder what my future will be like. The only major thing me and my partner argue about is porn too, and he says the same things. I would have left him but we have a child on the way :( I wish I decided it was a dealbreaker sooner. Our sex life doesnt exist anymore and even when it does, all I feel is inferior to the other women he watches. I get how you feel OP, it's rotten. Sounds like we're both just trying to cope with it even if it hurts us

Yeah, I wouldn't like that at all. Not the porn use, nor the fact he is happy to do something that he knows upsets you. Personally, I feel porn is utterly degrading towards women and I couldn't fuck anyone who watched it.

@namechange12a
Maybe you are right. I will think about this. Maybe my ex and my friend do despise women....
I guess other people on here may have a better perspective.

@CatwomanXD I don't want to derail the thread but I've seen your other post on your abusive ex. If he's anything like his friends, then he hates women. Don't ever put up with women being called derogatory names. Women listen to it and think it's not about them, but it is. It is about them.

I agree with everything each and every one of have said. I can’t help how I feel and I really wish I didn’t feel this way.

It becomes a viscous circle as I cannot and I will not compete with a size 8/10, big breasted woman who will do absolutely anything and everything. This doesn’t make me want or even initiate sex with him as I can’t mentally get passed the fact that maybe he’s imagining a porn actress instead of me. Totally puts me off which then I guess, he then, again, turns to porn. Otherwise we have had a happy and healthy marriage but this has been the biggest issue in it. He knows how it makes me feel but still without any regard or respect for me, still does it. He turns it on me then, maybe to justify himself? I have the problem, It’s nothing, it’s a “man” thing, I’m over reacting. Then I used to end up apologising whilst inside a part of me dies. I can’t hide my feelings anymore. I do love him very much and in my mind, he’s we do have and had a good sex life, there’s times we can’t as kids home etc and they are now old enough to know what we’re doing. I find it hard on times to switch off from being a mother to a lover. When I go to bed before him or after him, I become overwhelmed with thoughts of what is he doing? I don’t think I’m paranoid as someone suggested as paranoia are feelings of something that isn’t happening when this is indeed happening and I cannot hell or change how I feel about it. I wish I could.

Cat woman?? This is my first ever post on mums net so I have no idea where you got that you’ve seen my previous post on an abusive partner. That is not true at all.

@Razpoot

This makes me wonder what my future will be like. The only major thing me and my partner argue about is porn too, and he says the same things. I would have left him but we have a child on the way :( I wish I decided it was a dealbreaker sooner. Our sex life doesnt exist anymore and even when it does, all I feel is inferior to the other women he watches. I get how you feel OP, it's rotten. Sounds like we're both just trying to cope with it even if it hurts us

@razpoot should we just have to put up with it? I have tried and tried but then it becomes this huge wave and I justify to myself that my feelings are valid, his may be too but it doesn't have to mean it's right. Especially when they know how it makes you feel. That to me is even more upsetting Congratulations on your pregnancy also.

@Anothernick

You should stop worrying. If you are happy with your sex life - and it sounds as if you are - then your DHs use of porn is a private matter as long as it is legal and adult. Porn is like alcohol, most people use it in moderation without any problem, but a few can become addicted and allow it to ruin lives and relationships. From what you say your DH is very much in the former category, he has been using it for a long time and, apart from your paranoia (sorry but that's what it sounds like) there is no problem.

I've been with my DW for 30 years, we have an active and fulfilling sex life and she rarely turns me down. I never turn her down. But I use porn regularly, sometimes on days when we have already had sex. Please try to overcome your feelings on this, nobody is perfect, you could undermine what sounds like a successful LTR for what is frankly a trivial issue.

@anothernick. Is your wife aware that you do this? How does she feel about if she does? Maybe another mans view is what I need to hear? I don’t know.... my main question which I can’t find the answers to is Why?

I have the same issue too except my H doesn’t know I know, it was mentioned 2 years ago and he was clearly shocked I knew and I thought he would stop- he did for a bit and just hid it better but I still know. It’s nothing to do with self esteem in my case, everything to do with the fact I feel it’s a bit rich being a feminist liberal type , taking the piss out of blokes looking at tits in the sun and using this shit most days. I now know and am ignoring it but I have certainly had my eyes opened and lost respect and find it a total turn off .

I'm sorry, but OP is coming across as incredibly controlling. If your husband has always watched porn then he hasn't suddenly changed and started behaving irrationally. You have accepted it until this point, so either get over it, or leave.

If you were my friend, I would say your paranoia and insecurities are too much and you shouldn't be projecting them onto your husband by trying control how he masturbates. If I were friends with your husband, I would seriously ask him if he's happy being in a borderline abusive relationship. You cannot control someone because of your insecurities. That's a you problem

I find your post very sad OP. You don’t sound like you are refusing sex to your partner so I really don’t get that need to watch other women. Always the excuse of men being visual (has he asked you to do something for him to watch and you refused? Why can’t he visualise you if he needs visual support)? Because one is not enough and the pressure from the porn industry and men to accept this as ‘normal’ or the idiotic claim it’s part and parcel of masturbation is overwhelming. It’s like this has become the only socially acceptable exception to monogamy.

Only you can decide how much of a deal breaker it is. No one is saying that by watching porn, he loves you any less. It just means he is able to separate sex and love. You have to decide where your tolerance threshold sits: are you ok with him sleazing on other naked women? Going to strip clubs? Using sex workers such as cam girls or prostitute? I think everyone can see it’s not love and he will come home to you. The question is where is your boundary? And all of that is obviously pushing aside the whole ethical issue.

I personally wouldn’t let him anywhere near me, if that’s what he wants to watch when you are available for him, then let him.

I’m sorry OP I know it’s a self esteem wrecker 💐

@EIJMol

No I do not discuss porn with my DW, though we have watched it together in the past. I have no idea if she watches it alone, I tend to doubt it but I don't really care, I have complete faith in her not to cheat. Porn increases my desire for her, it is not a substitute for it.

OP - with respect - your H isn’t wrong. And posters who said you have an obsession bordering on paranoia - aren’t wrong either.
You are imaging things that are happening in your H’s head and (over)reacting to that fiction you have created. Making yourself increasingly unhappy.

Why do you insist that you know that he is comparing you to young skinny big chested women? And why do you think he imagines porn scenes and positions when he is with you. Has he ever said anything or pushed you to try things you didn’t want to?

You have been married for a long time. He has used porn for many years. While you have had a good sex life over those years. And you don’t suggest any suspicious of infidelity. Clearly he is attracted to you And that hasn’t changed over the years.
Yet - you seem to be increasingly insecure about your looks where intimacy is concerned.
It is possible that you are struggling with ageing and porn issue is more of a transference. Something you fixate on in order to avoid the real issue.

I don’t know how you could overcome your issues on your own. Do you have friends? Or would you be willing to talk to a counsellor?

@CatwomanXD sorry to derail but your male friend sounds misogynistic as anything. He has sex with lots of women - that's fine. Women have sex with others in videos for money and they are sluts??? Double standard right there. That's before even going in to how horrible the porn industry is especially for women.

OP, it may be fairly 'normal' for men to watch porn to get their kicks. But if it making you feel shit, surely your partner would understand that and try to rein it in a bit. I would feel the same as you in this situation. Not nice at all.

@ElJMol I wish I could say. All I can tell you is that you're not alone and I agree with everything you're saying, it's like I could have said it myself. How are we to feel valued when our naked body, which is such a vulnerable and intense thing to expose, is simply one of many to our partners? Let alone one of many others they have seen which unfortunately, it is almost impossible to compare to as they are often over-the-top fake renditions of a normal woman.

I'm gonna pull out my hypocrite card and say the most rational and logical thing for you is to leave him. Find somebody with the same values you have. Be confident in how you feel because you're not the only one - I know a lot of people say the whole "every man does it, don't overreact" but everybody has different standards and comfortablity and if this is an issue where neither of you can compromise it's not worth it. Don't apologise to him. There isn't a right or wrong for either of you but there is your feelings and they are valid. But like I said, by the sounds you're just trying to "cope" and forget about it, and see THEIR point of view, just like I am. But it's such a painful and mentally demanding thing to do and we both have commitments, I don't know... I just really sympathise with you, I'm sorry. I'm not married though. My partner has mentioned it but I know my response when the day comes - no, because I will never be truly happy until the day you don't lust over other women. As long as he is this way, we will never truly connect (especially during sex) and he will never have my full trust and I will never take that leap.

If it's any reassurance to you, some of the things that make me feel better is remembering he still watched this when we was with his ex before me who he had adored, and that he had been also watching it for years before he met me anyway. Distances it a bit from how personally insulting it can feel.

I said partner once said to me, "I'm only fantasizing about having sex with these women, I wouldn't actually do it". I said back "What if I told you I only fantasized about cheating on you, but I wouldn't actually do it?" and he got extremely offended. I think about that a lot.