Husband watches porn

[ElJMol]

have been with my partner for 22 years. We have 2 children together. The only thing we ever argue or row about is his persistent use of porn. I do not like it at all. I have spoken a lot at length on how it makes me feel. I don’t know if it’s me with the issue here but I can’t help how I feel. It makes me feel under valued, totally destroys my self esteem, puts me off wanting to have sex with him as I can’t get out of my head the worry of him thinking of those women on the videos he watches. Which then leads to a viscous circle. I ask him why he feels the need to use it:

1. I enjoy sex and never turn him down.
2. okay during lockdown we haven’t had the freedom as much due to kids being home more, they are 17 & 20)
3. he’s watched it when I’ve been home either in bed, late at night or first thing in the morning again when I’m here and available.

I don’t go looking for proof but he doesn’t realise that his phone is connected to the iMac we all use as a family. I found it 11.20am on Sunday morning when I was either upstairs or in the shower. Kids don’t get up til late afternoon so no reason why he couldn’t initiate it with me, but he used that instead. It makes me feel like he is a bit of a “dirty old man” feeling, I try not to think like this and I even try getting those thoughts out of my head. When we’ve argued about it he turns it on me, saying I’m over reacting, it’s visual, men need visual help unlike women, he needs to empty his sac, and totally justifies it.

I don’t like feeling like this but I can’t help how I feel. What can I do?

@LittleWing80

You don't have any moral right to have a "boundary" over how someone masturbates in private. That is just messed up and controlling. To give up right to masturbate to your own pleasure because of being in a relationship... Controlling it is. Controlling! Because it is driven by other persons problems with self esteem and insecurities. Just like my ex. You are just as unreasonable.

In some rare cases there might be a reason to have a concern, like illegal stuff, money expenditure involved, porn addiction and more. Have a talk - not resolved - part ways.

True @busybee1912

I don't know what I was expecting to be honest, maybe yes I was venting, I don't know!
I just know I have this issue regarding it and I'm fed up of feeling this way. I've tried to accept it and carry on but I can't. Why now? Well I found it again yesterday and have been upset and consumed with thoughts since.

Of course there's going to people who agree with me and those who don't, there is no right or wrong I guess. I'm talking for me and me only and that is I can't deal with it and the issues it causes us.

@willsa
As other posters have said you sound like you have unresolved issues about being controlled.

I haven’t seen OP mentioning anywhere she wants to control how her husband masturbates. Masturbation and porn use are not the same thing.

@Josuk

OP - your posts seem to be more about venting than anything. You say you wish you understood why he does it. But you aren’t listening to anyone who provides you with insights as to why people do. You also seem to only want him to change - and any change on our side is dismissed as impossible. And you have no interest in trying to understand why you react the way you do. And why now all of a sudden - after 20+ years you are having this sudden strong reaction. Yet your own ageing as a reason is dismissed.

Vent if you need to. There are certainly a lot of people on MN who’d egg you on to LTB. And who are quick to deal out deal breakers - and who think it’s OK to try to control how their partners masturbate.
Thing is - your low self esteem won’t be helped by asking your H to leave.
Any other man you’d date would also be aware that skinnier busty women exist.
From porn, TV, the streets, colleagues in the office.
And the way your head works right now - you’d imagine yourself being compared to other women again.

This isn’t an issue of your H watching porn. This is the case of you thinking you aren’t good enough compared to other women.

What a grim comment. All of it rubs me the wrong way

Anyhow, big hugs to you all
I don't envy the stress you are going through and will go through, even if self created.
All the best in your marriages and future relationships

- porn/masturbation sessions don’t last long. And no one really identifies with the actors as real people.

This is why I don't respect men who watch porn.

You don't have any moral right to have a "boundary" over how someone masturbates in private.

Of course you have! People can have any boundary they want. I won’t have a relationship with someone who uses porn or who votes Tory. I’m not controlling how my partner votes. He has the right to vote however he wants. But if I discover he has been voting Conservative (or using porn) I will leave him. Of course, if he’s honest from the beginning this will never be an issue.

OP I totally get it. I also hate it- most of it is completely vile and makes me feel dirty and just yuk. Totally get the feeling of him imagining someone else and feeling like you can’t compete etc.
What I think is more of an issue here is the fact that this is upsetting you so much and yet he is unwilling to change his behaviour or even discuss it properly with you. If something my DH was doing was upsetting me so greatly, and I spoke to him about it, he would feel upset that I was so upset and would want to do something to make it better. Because that’s what you should do in a marriage. Cherish each other, treat each other like your best friend, be extremely kind and caring and considerate towards each other. Using porn is not essential, he may like. / love it but if it’s hurting you then it needs to be discussed properly and a compromise made.
Saying it’s just ‘visual’ and he needs to ‘empty his sack’ is the biggest load of bull I’ve ever heard.

It’s also silly when people say this should have been discussed years ago in long term relationships- you don’t always know, in my case I wasn’t aware till I had been married 21 years, smart phones didn't really exist properly till about 9 years ago and there were never any mags or videos, I’m afraid we were not all psychic back in the 90s of what was going to be possible and be able to preempt someone’s future habits

@ Razpoot

You may not like what I said -and think it’s grim - but which part isn’t true?
OP thinks that her H compares her with other women when they are intimate. And that is based on the fact that he saw them in porn.
This is grim and quite sad too. It clearly affects their relationships - physically and emotionally.

People are sexual beings. We see other people as sexual beings - some attractive, some not. We see it everywhere, it’s bit limited to porn.
And yet - we, for the most part, pick a partner and settle down with them. This doesn’t stop us noticing other attractive human beings.

I think OP would like to have complete control over her H’s sexuality - including his fantasies and thoughts. She’s probably wishes he stopped noticing and finding other people attractive. But we aren’t built this way.

@Josuk

OP - your posts seem to be more about venting than anything. You say you wish you understood why he does it. But you aren’t listening to anyone who provides you with insights as to why people do. You also seem to only want him to change - and any change on our side is dismissed as impossible. And you have no interest in trying to understand why you react the way you do. And why now all of a sudden - after 20+ years you are having this sudden strong reaction. Yet your own ageing as a reason is dismissed.

Vent if you need to. There are certainly a lot of people on MN who’d egg you on to LTB. And who are quick to deal out deal breakers - and who think it’s OK to try to control how their partners masturbate.
Thing is - your low self esteem won’t be helped by asking your H to leave.
Any other man you’d date would also be aware that skinnier busty women exist.
From porn, TV, the streets, colleagues in the office.
And the way your head works right now - you’d imagine yourself being compared to other women again.

This isn’t an issue of your H watching porn. This is the case of you thinking you aren’t good enough compared to other women.

There's a rather large difference between noticing an attractive colleague at work and having a wank over the women in porn though really, isn't there? And it's the latter that the OP has explicitly stated she has an issue with, not the former.

I always find it interesting when women are accused of having low self-esteem and being insecure when they take issue with porn use - as though they are the ones with the dysfunction that requires 'fixing'. I actually think it's quite natural to end up feeling insecure when your partner is getting off to an endless supply of other women who aren't you. The low self-esteem comes about as a result of the porn, it does not pre-date it.
Regular porn use makes a lot of women feel as though they aren't enough for their partner sexually and that can be absolutely crushing to self-esteem. I suspect, were the situations reversed, men would be equally as unhappy with the situation...

Isn't it also interesting though, that so many women feel the same way about their partners using porn. Why do you think it is, @Josuk, that so many women are so insecure about it?

You don't have any moral right to have a "boundary" over how someone masturbates in private.

@willsa IDK whether boundaries is the right word, but people can have anything as a 'red line' (effectively, a boundary, well, a limit) or 'dealbreaker' can't they? But arguably in that case if someone repeatedly does the thing, or even says they won't stop, then the person with that supposed boundary/hard limit should walk away.

@ElJMol If you 'can't deal with it' - could you walk away? Because he's said he's not going to stop, hasn't he? So the only alternative to walking away, is to find a way to 'deal with it' - and whether you walk away depends on how much you truly can't deal with it.

Yanbu at all OP.
It is absolutely fine for you to feel that way and if he doesn't want to give it up and it's a deal breaker for you then so be it.
I don't think you sound controlling.
Btw if you've seen his porn on a shared device or system, have the kids?

I don’t want to get into a general porn debate here but I was struck by the fact that your DH’s activities are potentially visible on a family computer. The same happened to me with my dad throughout my childhood and I am still in therapy (and having constant difficulties with intimate relationships) nearly 20 years later. If nothing else, please don’t allow him to expose your children to this.

@SoulofanAggron

You don't have any moral right to have a "boundary" over how someone masturbates in private.

@willsa IDK whether boundaries is the right word, but people can have anything as a 'red line' (effectively, a boundary, well, a limit) or 'dealbreaker' can't they? But arguably in that case if someone repeatedly does the thing, or even says they won't stop, then the person with that supposed boundary/hard limit should walk away.

@ElJMol If you 'can't deal with it' - could you walk away? Because he's said he's not going to stop, hasn't he? So the only alternative to walking away, is to find a way to 'deal with it' - and whether you walk away depends on how much you truly can't deal with it.

I do largely agree. I am just trying to add that not all so called boundaries are mentally healthy and balanced.

For example, I have a boundary around smoking. I prefer to date and marry non smokers. I'm open about it from the start. I have never asked anyone to give up for me. Never made anyone uncomfortable about their choice of habit. I've had lovers who smoke but that could not be a long term relationship for me.
However, I'd be concerned I'm "losing it" if I'd start agonising about the future of my marriage after finding out my DH had social-smoked a fag at his work do.

Maybe I am the "cool wife". But honestly, people here seem so highly strung.
Must be from a good life. Wait till the actual problems one day.

But then I'm not an anxious person. I don't know. This is clearly a very polarising topic amongst women and must be a minefield for men because it can blow up everything. No wonder what they claim is so different from polls and what Google searches reveal. And so the World keeps on turning...

Men are far more controlling sexuality than woman, any woman who even looks at a man other than her dh or dp they think is a slut who's anyone's according to men and as someone pp referring to the woman they want to watch

Us guys know these girls are s@@ts we wouldnt touch that kind of girl,

And I wouldn't touch the equivalent in a bloke, men have expectations of woman that they behave in a way that suits them but they think they can do what they like, it's the same as men who are proud to sleep around and call themselves studs but then degrade the woman they were with as sluts.

Woman are objects in most men's eyes especially in porn and as a consequence I have absolutely no respect for these men. (My choice) it's not about my own insecurities it's about not respecting men who have no respect for woman someone has spelt that out
*
-* porn/masturbation sessions don’t last long. And no one really identifies with the actors as real people.

Men can view woman however they like and indeed they do but I'm also allowed to view men the way I do.

However, I'd be concerned I'm "losing it" if I'd start agonising about the future of my marriage after finding out my DH had social-smoked a fag at his work do.

I don’t think it’s a good comparison. However, what if it turns out your husband has been a regular smoker all along, has gone to great lengths to hide it from you, has no intention of quitting, and dismisses your feelings about it?

@Brazenhussy0

Of course many women are insecure. They post about not being able to compete with the perfect bodies and positions, etc that is on the screen in open.
They drive themselves unhappy.

And all of that is based on the completely wrong assumption that their men are dissatisfied with them sexually because they don’t look the way porn stars look, or don’t do all the things they do. And hence the man may leave. If this isn’t insecurity - then what is it?

The world is full of younger, slimmer, more beautiful women. Just because your man sees it around him - doesn’t mean he is going to leave for a better model. He chose you to be with.
It’s exactly the same with porn - which is just one dimension of person/relationship.

So yes - I wish women stopped obsessing with trying to police how their men wanked. It’s pointless and just so irrelevant

Men can get off watching woman being degraded beaten, raped and humiliated, whatever and that's fine you can't control their fantasies but likewise I can look at men as pathetic little boys with no morals and treat them with the disgrace they show woman.

They enjoy robbing woman of their dignity but are offended if you de maculate them and for some reason they'd like some respect please... no

Sorry didn't mean that post haven't used this much and have made a mistake.

The children hardly ever use the iMac but in case I have set up a user for each person and they have a password so they cannot access their dads files and history. We haven't really spoken in 2 days and he hasn't even asked what's wrong etc. Either he's not noticed or he knows why I'm off, quiet and upset. Don't know if this me being dramatic but I've not slept well, when he's luring next to me in bed asleep I feel this almighty feeling of hurt, upset and anger, I did sleep on sofa the other night as I thought being away from him would dampen down my thoughts and feelings. My daughter has noticed that I'm not myself but I've just assured her that lockdown and not working has got to me which she seemed to accept and understand. Interestingly, there are more women who agree or who feel the same as me about their partners porn use which has made me feel it's not just Me. @razpoot your story has helped me the most I think as our feelings and thoughts on it are the exact same and you're right, why do we allow them to make us feel this way. It isn't something that's going to go away either or get better.

A lot of women feel the same as you OP. Even ones who say they don't. I honestly think there's an epidemic of porn addiction in society now. It's destructive and ruins lives. For example, porn use is cited as a factor in about 60% of divorces.

@JazzyJelly

A lot of women feel the same as you OP. Even ones who say they don't. I honestly think there's an epidemic of porn addiction in society now. It's destructive and ruins lives. For example, porn use is cited as a factor in about 60% of divorces.

I can quite believe it too. The internet doesn't help when it's available at a click of a button. I thought they were banning porn on the internet and you had to go and verify your age at the post office. That would stop a lot of porn use as can't see many men going and doing that.