Husband watches porn

[ElJMol]

have been with my partner for 22 years. We have 2 children together. The only thing we ever argue or row about is his persistent use of porn. I do not like it at all. I have spoken a lot at length on how it makes me feel. I don’t know if it’s me with the issue here but I can’t help how I feel. It makes me feel under valued, totally destroys my self esteem, puts me off wanting to have sex with him as I can’t get out of my head the worry of him thinking of those women on the videos he watches. Which then leads to a viscous circle. I ask him why he feels the need to use it:

1. I enjoy sex and never turn him down.
2. okay during lockdown we haven’t had the freedom as much due to kids being home more, they are 17 & 20)
3. he’s watched it when I’ve been home either in bed, late at night or first thing in the morning again when I’m here and available.

I don’t go looking for proof but he doesn’t realise that his phone is connected to the iMac we all use as a family. I found it 11.20am on Sunday morning when I was either upstairs or in the shower. Kids don’t get up til late afternoon so no reason why he couldn’t initiate it with me, but he used that instead. It makes me feel like he is a bit of a “dirty old man” feeling, I try not to think like this and I even try getting those thoughts out of my head. When we’ve argued about it he turns it on me, saying I’m over reacting, it’s visual, men need visual help unlike women, he needs to empty his sac, and totally justifies it.

I don’t like feeling like this but I can’t help how I feel. What can I do?

@Razpoot your last comment: another double standard in society. Its rife and depressing.

I watch porn sometimes. Mostly I masturbate without it but whilst imagining "porn like" scenes where nor me, nor my partner participates. So... For the over anxious types it means that I never fantasise about my actual sexual partners when having fun by myself.
Which means... What does it mean?

It means nothing. That's just how my brain works. I still love and fancy my OH and enjoy satisfying sex life.

To turn the tables : if anyone at all would ever dare to control my fantasy life or control what (legally) I do with my own body when in the bedroom by myself... Don't want to be rude so I'll just say it's a deal breaker.

Porn is a deal breaker for me. I won’t have a relationship with a man who uses porn. It’s not universal: plenty of men don’t do it. It’s normalised rather than normal. My partner doesn’t use porn because he’s aware of the exploitation and abuse that goes on in the sex industry. But if I did discover he was using porn I would end it immediately. I would much rather be single than live with a porn user.

You don’t have to put up with it, and your partner should take your feelings seriously. It’s quite disrespectful that he doesn’t.

"I'm sorry, but OP is coming across as incredibly controlling. If your husband has always watched porn then he hasn't suddenly changed and started behaving irrationally. You have accepted it until this point, so either get over it, or leave."

I massively disagree with this comment too. When people use "well he has always been this way so why is it an issue now?" In order to justify disrespectful behaviour it just feels wrong.

The behaviour has probably always been an issue. OP said that it is the one thing they argue about whilst the rest of the relationship is fine. I'm guessing this isnt the first time the topic has been brought up. It's just everytime it does, it falls on deaf ears.

Sorry, I have no idea how to use the quote marks function on MN.

Honestly, sometimes I read posts here and wonder why the hell women put up with so much utter bullshit from men. If more women started saying no to accepting porn in their relationships, men would suddenly find they were perfectly capable of having a wank without it quite easily.
They do it because they can get away with it. Stop letting them away with it, draw your line in the sand, make it very clear, and stick to it.

On the subject of porn use in general, I've known enough men now to know that porn use is never as casual as they make it out to be. Every porn user I've known, is imagining himself fucking the porn actress. Every porn user I've known, has his favourite women that he'll watch and seek out more content from.
It's not about the sex acts - it's about the women doing those acts. When he orgasms watching his favourite lady of the month, his body will release hormones that bond him to the woman he was thinking of at that time, conditioning him to orgasm and feel more sexual desire towards her ( and his own hand ). Personally, I'd rather my partners condition themselves to feel sexual desire towards me not towards some random woman in California who doesn't even know they exist

Now, if you are in a monogomous relationship and you have an issue with porn - own it. Don't let anyone tell you that your feelings are wrong or that you're just insecure or paranoid. You are not. You are justified and your boundaries are absolutely important.
You do not have to accept porn in your relationship, and I really wish more women would have the strength in them to push back against a society that tries to tell them otherwise.

He watches porn because is is a weak filthy animal man. I often think they are a completely different species and am probably not far from the truth.
My bloke watches porn now and again but I don't find it a problem. It's another aspect of sexuality and there is no rhyme nor reason for it except that men appear to like porn more than women do. I think they live out their fantasies generally looking at the polar opposite of their wife or girlfriend maybe because it taps in to some guilty feeling. Who knows.

I'm only fantasizing about having sex with these women, I wouldn't actually do it". I said back "What if I told you I only fantasized about cheating on you, but I wouldn't actually do it?" and he got extremely offended. I think about that a lot.

Exactly why is ok for them and not women, I doubt many men would like their women have a fantasy over other men especially if they tried to keep it a dirty secret but failed!
But women must speak up for what they believe in, don't put up with this crappy sleazy behaviour or they will continue.

I wouldn't put up with it. Buts that me and that's our relationship.

It has nothing to do with clutching pearls, being a prude or being paranoid. It's not wanting to be with a partner who is a misogynist who thinks it's okay to watch women have unrealistic sex, and on a regular occasion, be abused on camera for money.

Porn is vile. Porn is abusive and I feel really strongly about it. The women wouldn't do it without money involved, therefore they are being bought. Women are not objects to be purchased. Before people proclaim there is men in it too yes there are, but they are not physically injured, made incontinent, assaulted and violated with nothing about their pleasure being accounted for other than a wam bam for the camera. AND the men rarely join this world as vulnerable 18 (apparently) year olds barely out of school.

You don't ever need to be the "cool girl" and say porn is okay to make yourself sound more open sexually or to impress men.

OP it's fine to hate it, and it's fine to tell your partner it's a deal breaker.

Honestly, sometimes I read posts here and wonder why the hell women put up with so much utter bullshit from men. If more women started saying no to accepting porn in their relationships, men would suddenly find they were perfectly capable of having a wank without it quite easily.

This 👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻

Watching porn is "exception to monogamy"?
Where to even start on that overreaching statement.

OP, to not watch porn is normal. To watch porn is also completely normal. Can you just not leave each other in peace?
Unless your husband forces you to watch it when you'd rather not. He doesn't.
So it's you OP, who is the controlling one. Give him back his body autonomy and stop fretting. Or divorce him. There might be better matches for both of you out there.

Of course he’s not going to change now. So it’s up to you to decide how bothered you are.

Personally I wouldn’t have an issue with porn - I use it myself reasonably frequently. But I would have an issue with him entertaining himself (with or without porn) on such a regular basis when you’re willing and available. That’s just incredibly selfish and lazy on his part.

I’d also have a massive issue with his apparent lack of awareness of basic technology issues - it sounds like he either doesn’t understand or doesn’t care that others in the house (including the children) can see what he’s up to. That’s not on imo

@MMmomDD

OP - with respect - your H isn’t wrong. And posters who said you have an obsession bordering on paranoia - aren’t wrong either. You are imaging things that are happening in your H’s head and (over)reacting to that fiction you have created. Making yourself increasingly unhappy.

Why do you insist that you know that he is comparing you to young skinny big chested women? And why do you think he imagines porn scenes and positions when he is with you. Has he ever said anything or pushed you to try things you didn’t want to?

You have been married for a long time. He has used porn for many years. While you have had a good sex life over those years. And you don’t suggest any suspicious of infidelity. Clearly he is attracted to you And that hasn’t changed over the years.
Yet - you seem to be increasingly insecure about your looks where intimacy is concerned.
It is possible that you are struggling with ageing and porn issue is more of a transference. Something you fixate on in order to avoid the real issue.

I don’t know how you could overcome your issues on your own. Do you have friends? Or would you be willing to talk to a counsellor?

@MMmomDD No I don’t have any issue with ageing as this has been the case since I was in my 20’s. I don’t think about that at all tbh. This is how I feel and I wish I didn’t, but I do and these thoughts and feelings are very real.

I love a glass of wine. But if it was causing my partner, who I'm supposed to adore, hurt or sadness, I'd never look at a bottle again.

Why is porn so hard to give up? Why don't these men care?

@willsa

Watching porn is "exception to monogamy"? Where to even start on that overreaching statement.

OP, to not watch porn is normal. To watch porn is also completely normal. Can you just not leave each other in peace?
Unless your husband forces you to watch it when you'd rather not. He doesn't.
So it's you OP, who is the controlling one. Give him back his body autonomy and stop fretting. Or divorce him. There might be better matches for both of you out there.

Do you think it's controlling to not accept visiting strip clubs in a relationship? Or how about threesomes? Or multiple sex partners? Would you be so flippant towards someone dealing with those issues in her relationship?

He has his bodily autonomy. He's free to play with his willy as much as he likes - porn is not a necessary component of wanking! His dick isn't going to fall off if he tries doing it without simulataneously eyeballing some 20 year old taking 2 cocks up her arse.

I don't like the 'hate' directed at the OP.

If porn is no big deal to her husband he should give it up if she really doesn't like it. That he doesn't suggest it's an addiction or something- either that or he doesn't care about his wife's feelings.

No-one 'needs' porn to get off- unless there's something physically wrong with them or something maybe.

I can imagine that his fingers might wander towards the keyboard sometimes though. It's a habit/something to help tip them over the edge.

You could ask him if he’d be happy for you to be filmed naked, performing sexual acts for other men to watch.

If not, then he has double standards.

FWIW I don’t think YABU, i wouldn’t be happy with it either.

Please don’t let others make you feel bad about not being ok with it. We are all different, some are ok with porn but wouldn’t want to be married to a smoker or someone who liked occasional bets or drank 3 times a week or whatever- you are allowed to not be ok with it!!! I don’t feel remotely bad that I am not ok with it-

@nancyjuice7

I wouldn't put up with it. Buts that me and that's our relationship.

It has nothing to do with clutching pearls, being a prude or being paranoid. It's not wanting to be with a partner who is a misogynist who thinks it's okay to watch women have unrealistic sex, and on a regular occasion, be abused on camera for money.

Porn is vile. Porn is abusive and I feel really strongly about it. The women wouldn't do it without money involved, therefore they are being bought. Women are not objects to be purchased. Before people proclaim there is men in it too yes there are, but they are not physically injured, made incontinent, assaulted and violated with nothing about their pleasure being accounted for other than a wam bam for the camera. AND the men rarely join this world as vulnerable 18 (apparently) year olds barely out of school.

You don't ever need to be the "cool girl" and say porn is okay to make yourself sound more open sexually or to impress men.

OP it's fine to hate it, and it's fine to tell your partner it's a deal breaker.

Totally agree that is someone’s daughter, sister, grand daughter and so on. I really don’t like it or agree with it. I can’t help how I feel and I think I’ve read so much about it over the years on how others feel, etc. As I’ve got older the stronger I’ve become and I can’t still believe knowing how it affects us as a couple he still does it showing no regard to me at all.

@JazzyJelly

I love a glass of wine. But if it was causing my partner, who I'm supposed to adore, hurt or sadness, I'd never look at a bottle again.

Why is porn so hard to give up? Why don't these men care?

I don’t know I wish I did and understood the need for him to use it.

It's very normal and healthy to masturbate and some use porn as a help to do so. I think you're in the wrong here honestly. I think you need to look into yourself and why you're so insecure about your own husband.

My partner masturbates, I do too. We both watch porn sometimes. We still have sex and neither are insecure and worried the other is imagining some porn star during sex. Masturbation is one thing, sex is another, sometimes you want to touch yourself and not someone else, and sometimes you crave to touch another person (your partner). Him masturbating is not about you, just like you masturbating is not about him. It's all about you making yourself feel great.

That's just my opinion anyway

Whatever happened to romance eh ! Seems we are expected to just accept porn and sexual co ercion as the norm these days and always be up for it at the drop of a hat , but I rarely hear mumsnetters on here talking about a distinct lack of romance these days and I think it’s a problem . Porn kind of gives many guys I feel (of all ages) the idea that there doesn’t have to be any ‘lead up’ to feeling a bit more in the mood. Maybe not for some of them , but a lot of women need that too, set an atmosphere etc.

@Busybee2912

You could ask him if he’d be happy for you to be filmed naked, performing sexual acts for other men to watch.

If not, then he has double standards.

FWIW I don’t think YABU, i wouldn’t be happy with it either.

Exactly this. Many people who use porn fail to put themselves in the shoes of the person who opposes it. I think if they had that little glimmer of "would I be ok with this?" the answer would be a resounding NO.