Husband watches porn

[ElJMol]

have been with my partner for 22 years. We have 2 children together. The only thing we ever argue or row about is his persistent use of porn. I do not like it at all. I have spoken a lot at length on how it makes me feel. I don’t know if it’s me with the issue here but I can’t help how I feel. It makes me feel under valued, totally destroys my self esteem, puts me off wanting to have sex with him as I can’t get out of my head the worry of him thinking of those women on the videos he watches. Which then leads to a viscous circle. I ask him why he feels the need to use it:

1. I enjoy sex and never turn him down.
2. okay during lockdown we haven’t had the freedom as much due to kids being home more, they are 17 & 20)
3. he’s watched it when I’ve been home either in bed, late at night or first thing in the morning again when I’m here and available.

I don’t go looking for proof but he doesn’t realise that his phone is connected to the iMac we all use as a family. I found it 11.20am on Sunday morning when I was either upstairs or in the shower. Kids don’t get up til late afternoon so no reason why he couldn’t initiate it with me, but he used that instead. It makes me feel like he is a bit of a “dirty old man” feeling, I try not to think like this and I even try getting those thoughts out of my head. When we’ve argued about it he turns it on me, saying I’m over reacting, it’s visual, men need visual help unlike women, he needs to empty his sac, and totally justifies it.

I don’t like feeling like this but I can’t help how I feel. What can I do?

Some people are very much addicted to watching porn, and it's their choice, and it's all very accessible these days. A lot of women on here often complain about their partners about their addictive porn issues, and how it makes them feel. But never sure what they all do about it, either put up,or shut up, or take measures to opt out of having a person in their life as such. I don't have a man in my life,but would certainly not like a porn addicted numpty in my life.

I find it gross that his phone is connected to the family iMac. Regardless of the whys and wherefores of porn, it really should be removed from something your DC (adult or not) may see.

Just seen you have now changed settings on the iMac. That's one thing at least, I hope they've not seen what their dad watches.

@angieloumc

Just seen you have now changed settings on the iMac. That's one thing at least, I hope they've not seen what their dad watches.

As I said they can't access it, they never use the iMac anyway as they have their own devices. It's mainly him on the iMac and me occasionally for my business things. He doesn't think I know the password for his log in I don't think, he doesn't even realise his phone is linked and I haven't told him either! But no, the kids can not access or see it. I made sure of that a long time ago, this is how long this issue has been in my marriage. Even before we were married but he is 10 years older me, we got together when I was 20 and he was 30, in those days no internet but when I moved in I got rid of a load of magazines. Thought not much of it as he was single obviously before me for quite some time. I try not to let it, but it does consume a lot of my thoughts. If I go to bed before him or him before me, if I get up earlier or later than him etc. I've read a lot about it and how it affects others and it does seem a lot of women feel like I do and then some who it doesn't bother. As I said I wish I could just not think about it or worry about it, I really do but I do and hate the way it makes me feel. I wouldn't say he's addicted as it's not all the time but too much for my liking. I think we have quite a good sex life. I enjoy sex and we have it about twice, three time's a week more if we have peace from the kids. I've never said "no" or ever turned him down. Other than this we get along just fine, not much other arguments or rows, except for this. I've tried to let it go, accept it for what it is... but I cant. He's not with other women etc and I try to tell myself it's "okay or not that bad" but it doesn't last for long and those negative thoughts and effects come rushing back to me.

I also find it more offensive in partners/husbands in their 50s and 60s than I would in a much younger guy if I am being totally honest - I realise that’s very illogical but it’s just how I have felt about it

I don't see what difference age is, it's not right any age and even younger people under 18 can access it. It's worrying it really is. It's so readily and easily available.

what someone does to themselves is really no one else’s business.

@Brazenhussy0

As a female user of porn I can assure you I have never imagined having sex with someone else when I was intimate with my DP. I watched it much more regularly than him (he barely watched it - not that I would have minded), was a quick fix despite having a very active sex life.

I understand why the OP feels the way she does but it is unfair to tell her that her OH MUST be thinking of these porn actresses. Perhaps you've just been around the wrong people.

I used to look at porn and maybe like a lot of men specific categories etc. My wife was aware but never really mentioned it until one day and after a long time considering her thoughts on it I stopped looking at porn. I was open and honest about it and really can't remember the last time I looked at porn. Surprisingly it did not change my life in fact it got better.

I occasionally masturbate and if I need a bit of a 'kick start' I have photos of my wife on my phone. She is more than happy with this and so am I. It is the best 'porn' I have ever looked at because it is real. Maybe that could be a solution for you?

If I had my time again I can't say I would not use porn but I hope that I could me more thoughtful about it.

@AnotherLanguage

I used to look at porn and maybe like a lot of men specific categories etc. My wife was aware but never really mentioned it until one day and after a long time considering her thoughts on it I stopped looking at porn. I was open and honest about it and really can't remember the last time I looked at porn. Surprisingly it did not change my life in fact it got better.

I occasionally masturbate and if I need a bit of a 'kick start' I have photos of my wife on my phone. She is more than happy with this and so am I. It is the best 'porn' I have ever looked at because it is real. Maybe that could be a solution for you?

If I had my time again I can't say I would not use porn but I hope that I could me more thoughtful about it.

Wow that was emotive to read and from a mans point of view. Thank you, really respect that. I have some videos on my phone of him and us together. I have mentioned before maybe doing some for him to use, or me sharing these with him but he never answered, instead he just laughed it off thinking I was going to post it on pornhub or any other of the sites. (Knowing how it effects me, I don't even look at them) It was never mentioned again. I would be happy for him to have these for his use, I would. His phone as well as mine is password protected so no prying eyes would see them such as our kids. Maybe I will suggest this again. That then made me (maybe overthink) that he prefers those women to me? I know I can over think and as I've said previously I don't know if I'm irrational etc but I can't help these thoughts and feelings I have.
The arguments we have had are endless, he's got angry he's gone quiet and it's fine for a while then I find it again (I don't go looking for it) I got to the point that if I don't know it doesn't hurt.
There's never (in my mind) been an issue with our sex life, he can always perform and always finishes - that's not an issue. It's the issues I have in my head, maybe I don't enjoy it as much as I want to as I'm thinking is he comparing me to her, is he thinking he is having sex with her. He's never asked me to do anything out of the ordinary or something that's uncomfortable for me. He always ensures that I am satisfied (most of the time) first so very caring in that way. Then I get annoyed with myself thinking that's it's not that bad, but it's when I see the date and time he's used it and I've been here available but he's chosen to use that. He has always said "it's a man thing, men need visual, if my sacs are full they ache, (is that true?) he's also said I can't tell him "how to think". Maybe he's right?

[quote justkeepgoing1188]@Brazenhussy0

As a female user of porn I can assure you I have never imagined having sex with someone else when I was intimate with my DP. I watched it much more regularly than him (he barely watched it - not that I would have minded), was a quick fix despite having a very active sex life.

I understand why the OP feels the way she does but it is unfair to tell her that her OH MUST be thinking of these porn actresses. Perhaps you've just been around the wrong people.[/quote]
That's good to hear from a females point of view and to know it's not something you think about when with your partner. He does like visual even when he's with me, if you know what I mean?

@Razpoot

This makes me wonder what my future will be like. The only major thing me and my partner argue about is porn too, and he says the same things. I would have left him but we have a child on the way :( I wish I decided it was a dealbreaker sooner. Our sex life doesnt exist anymore and even when it does, all I feel is inferior to the other women he watches. I get how you feel OP, it's rotten. Sounds like we're both just trying to cope with it even if it hurts us

Hey I don't know why but you've popped into my head today. How are you? How's everything?

Hi! Disclosure: I'm just sort of casually browsing these forums instead of going to bed like a normal person, so I didn't stop to read 113 messages. Specifically, I didn't catch on the front page how he responds when you talk to him about it.

Anyway, I think your feelings are valid whether or not the porn is affecting his sexual interest in you, and I wanted to suggest one thing to try if you haven't already.

Get him to watch this: brainheartworld.org/watch/. It's targeted at the young, but it's short and sweet and provides several reasons to avoid porn. You can find similar material, e.g. search for "trafficking hub", "pornocracy", that further presents porn use as fuelling a demand for a rotten industry.

Good luck!

I find this aspect of men absolutely vile. Their insistence that men have needs, they're visual, it's natural, it's harmless, they're entitled to use it, blah, blah. The way porn is constantly available is sickening. The way it corrupts men and degrades women is sickening. Op, I don't know what to suggest but I find it so awful too. We're expected to just go along with it and it makes me so unhappy.

OP,
I'm not going to get into the discussion about porn use being either 'right' or 'wrong'.

From what you tell me your husband has always used porn and you knew that when you married him and it was OK for you then. So it seems to me that you made a 'rod for your own back' here.

Now it seems you want to 'move the goal posts'.

He isn't going to stop so you have 2 options.

1. Put up with it and stay
2. Leave.

Personally I wouldn't marry a man who used porn and that was one of my stipulations both times I married.

I'm sorry you are in this position and sorry to be blunt (I do sympathise with how you feel) but I can't see any other options other than those above.

Op

As soon as your husband climax’s to porn and switched the laptop off. The porn is forgotten.

Really.

It’s all compartmentalised. ( Lol, it’s true, men can’t really multitask ).

When he makes love to you, it’s all about you. His psyche and focus is YOU.

He is not fucking you thinking some big busty blonde doing anal !!!! It just doesn’t work like that.

I can’t speak on a women’s psyche but I’m betting if she watches a movie like ‘ Gone with the Wind ‘ she doesn’t later envisage Clark Gable when making love with her partner, and using ‘ him ‘ as some imaginary Clark Gable sex clone.

His jacking off to porn is his right to do so. There is no emotional content attached to it.

It’s your right not to be happy about it, but you are not being used like some sex doll substitute, it’s chalk and cheese.