Husband watches porn

[ElJMol]

have been with my partner for 22 years. We have 2 children together. The only thing we ever argue or row about is his persistent use of porn. I do not like it at all. I have spoken a lot at length on how it makes me feel. I don’t know if it’s me with the issue here but I can’t help how I feel. It makes me feel under valued, totally destroys my self esteem, puts me off wanting to have sex with him as I can’t get out of my head the worry of him thinking of those women on the videos he watches. Which then leads to a viscous circle. I ask him why he feels the need to use it:

1. I enjoy sex and never turn him down.
2. okay during lockdown we haven’t had the freedom as much due to kids being home more, they are 17 & 20)
3. he’s watched it when I’ve been home either in bed, late at night or first thing in the morning again when I’m here and available.

I don’t go looking for proof but he doesn’t realise that his phone is connected to the iMac we all use as a family. I found it 11.20am on Sunday morning when I was either upstairs or in the shower. Kids don’t get up til late afternoon so no reason why he couldn’t initiate it with me, but he used that instead. It makes me feel like he is a bit of a “dirty old man” feeling, I try not to think like this and I even try getting those thoughts out of my head. When we’ve argued about it he turns it on me, saying I’m over reacting, it’s visual, men need visual help unlike women, he needs to empty his sac, and totally justifies it.

I don’t like feeling like this but I can’t help how I feel. What can I do?

Oh and as others have said, porn and wanking aren’t the same thing— maybe some people need to develop an imagination.

@Brazenhussy0

Honestly, sometimes I read posts here and wonder why the hell women put up with so much utter bullshit from men. If more women started saying no to accepting porn in their relationships, men would suddenly find they were perfectly capable of having a wank without it quite easily. They do it because they can get away with it. Stop letting them away with it, draw your line in the sand, make it very clear, and stick to it.

On the subject of porn use in general, I've known enough men now to know that porn use is never as casual as they make it out to be. Every porn user I've known, is imagining himself fucking the porn actress. Every porn user I've known, has his favourite women that he'll watch and seek out more content from.
It's not about the sex acts - it's about the women doing those acts. When he orgasms watching his favourite lady of the month, his body will release hormones that bond him to the woman he was thinking of at that time, conditioning him to orgasm and feel more sexual desire towards her ( and his own hand ). Personally, I'd rather my partners condition themselves to feel sexual desire towards me not towards some random woman in California who doesn't even know they exist

Now, if you are in a monogomous relationship and you have an issue with porn - own it. Don't let anyone tell you that your feelings are wrong or that you're just insecure or paranoid. You are not. You are justified and your boundaries are absolutely important.
You do not have to accept porn in your relationship, and I really wish more women would have the strength in them to push back against a society that tries to tell them otherwise.

Read that second paragraph to my partner, because it's a real biological and disgusting truth. He groaned and said "who fucking cares, who gives a fuck". Just charming

Personally unless it's affecting our sex life, I'm not bothered about dh watching porn. We have an extremely healthy, regular and fun sex life. It literally doesn't phase me. Curtain fetishes would put me off, however I know what his preferences are so again I'm not fussed.
If it's something that is really bothering you, you need to decide if you can live with it or not. If not, I think you really need to consider your future with this relationship as he's unlikely to stop watching it now. He would probably just get better at hiding it from you.

I love watching porn, and if my DH was upset by my enjoyment of it I would not stop either. What I would do though is break up with him, as we would not be compatible people. I would have had that discussion a lot earlier in the relationship, however.

The fact that your partner uses porn is not really the issue. The issue is that you don't want him to and he isn't willing to stop, but still wants to be in a relationship with you, which makes him disrespectful of your feelings. That means that you only have two options though; live with a man who loves porn more than he loves you, or leave. He's not going to change.

@Razpoot Time someone went in the bin.

@Brazenhussy0

Who are you to say what someone finds a necessary component to their masturbation?
If OP hates her husbands sexuality, she should set the man free. I would not change how I masturbate for no man ever. I would stop doing something with them in bed that they don't really fancy.

Masturbation to a visual aid is as old as the World we live in. Excessive anxiety and jealousy sorrounding it is also as old as the World we live in.

To make a jump from a video or from a picture, to an actual threesome or prostitute.. Once again, no words. Pure expression of paranoia on your part.

What is acceptable as a masturbation aid on Mumsnet? Close your eyes and imagine giving it large to your child's geography teacher. Is that OK? Should all fantasies be run past the boss inquisitor (wife).

@tarasmalatarocks

Whatever happened to romance eh ! Seems we are expected to just accept porn and sexual co ercion as the norm these days and always be up for it at the drop of a hat , but I rarely hear mumsnetters on here talking about a distinct lack of romance these days and I think it’s a problem . Porn kind of gives many guys I feel (of all ages) the idea that there doesn’t have to be any ‘lead up’ to feeling a bit more in the mood. Maybe not for some of them , but a lot of women need that too, set an atmosphere etc.

Totally agree. It could just be my partner being useless but he watches porn heavily and I find a lot of issues in our sex life (when it actually briefly exists anyway) that I think stems from the porn.

My partner always has the expectation that sex should just happen with no build up or foreplay as soon as he suggests it. Wham bam and there it's done. Also never bothers to make me climax or sees it as important, and tells me not to look at him during sex, refuses to speak to me, or kiss me. God, the more I look at this thread and the more I type, the more I just wanna leave. I wish I could

@Brazenhussy0 agree with everything you said. I hate how having boundaries is misrepresented as paranoia/insecurities

I would hate it too OP.

It's one thing if you are apart (If someone works away) but I'd be so hurt if my DH preferred to masterbate to porn when he had the choice to have sex with me instead.

I too would feel insecure as more often than not porn stars do not have a typical "normal" body. They haven't given him children so don't have stretch marks or a mumtum! We are the ones who have sacrificed our body to give them children!
So I feel like it's unfair for him to watch these unrealistic videos of women who don't really exist in every day life (as in we don't necessarily have time or money to get a bikini wax into a fancy shape and even if we do it grows back before it can be done again! We can't always be in expensive lingerie, or wear makeup 24/7)

Lastly, insecurities aside, porn just makes men even more shit and lazy in bed bed as in porn the woman just lies there panting and screaming like a banshee at the slightest touch and then proceeds to "orgasm" about 20 times in a 3 minute clip 🙄 purleeeeeasse!!

Then people wonder why men have no idea about foreplay, what turns a woman on or why 75% of women never reach climax from intercourse alone

It paints such an unrealistic expectation about sex and how women really operate!

@TJ17 my DP works away, for long periods. It’s still not ok with me that he watches porn. It wouldn’t be ok with him if I watched/performed it either so there’s no problem. But I don’t think working away provides an excuse, that’s just like saying it’s ok for one of you to cheat if you’re apart for periods of time.

[quote willsa]@Brazenhussy0

Who are you to say what someone finds a necessary component to their masturbation?
If OP hates her husbands sexuality, she should set the man free. I would not change how I masturbate for no man ever. I would stop doing something with them in bed that they don't really fancy.

Masturbation to a visual aid is as old as the World we live in. Excessive anxiety and jealousy sorrounding it is also as old as the World we live in.

To make a jump from a video or from a picture, to an actual threesome or prostitute.. Once again, no words. Pure expression of paranoia on your part.

What is acceptable as a masturbation aid on Mumsnet? Close your eyes and imagine giving it large to your child's geography teacher. Is that OK? Should all fantasies be run past the boss inquisitor (wife).[/quote]
Ah there we go - "paranoia"
You have quite spectacularly missed the point.

Porn is not a necessary component to masturbation because literally everyone is capable of masturbating without it. If they can't then they have a problem/addiction (quite possible given the effects on the brain that repeated porn use has).

The pure announcement of having boundaries does not make someone automatically morally superior or right, as is often implied here. Boundaries can be skewed and can be used to control the other partner. Like my ex, who all of a sudden developed a "boundary" that me going to shops by myself is unacceptable and most likely an opportunity to "meet men".
Have your boundaries all you want but stop controlling! Leave the relationship when things make you uncomfortable instead of manipulating the other person to quash your own anxieties.

Read that second paragraph to my partner, because it's a real biological and disgusting truth. He groaned and said "who fucking cares, who gives a fuck". Just charming

@Razpoot A lot of men don't particularly enjoy having a spotlight shone on the inner workings of their porn habits. Apathy is far easier than self-reflection - less effort on their part isn't it. The question is, why do you put up with it?

[quote Busybee2912]@TJ17 my DP works away, for long periods. It’s still not ok with me that he watches porn. It wouldn’t be ok with him if I watched/performed it either so there’s no problem. But I don’t think working away provides an excuse, that’s just like saying it’s ok for one of you to cheat if you’re apart for periods of time.[/quote]
No i personally wouldn't like it then either lol but just trying to sound less insecure I guess 🤷🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️😂

@TJ17 meh... ignore the people with the insecure accusations. They’re usually just trying to look the cool wife/girlfriend 🙄

Like my ex, who all of a sudden developed a "boundary" that me going to shops by myself is unacceptable and most likely an opportunity to "meet men".

Not sure what kind of shops you are referring to but presumably not the kind of shops where you would go for the sole purpose of watching naked men having with other men and women in front of you while you masturbate?

Op I feel so sorry for you . I haven't even read the comments on here but I know what some of the replies are going to be 😴 you have every right to feel the way you do . I feel the exact same way as you and I would and will 100 percent be leaving my ten year relationship if he does it again . For me it's a deal breaker and I told him this at the very start . If he wants a relationship with me the one thing I will not tolerate is porn . He agreed . I found out he has been watching it . Stupid me for thinking he didn't . He seen how hurt I was over it and promised that would be it . I even left him . Time will tell but he knows it will cost him our relationship if he does it again . So it's on him . X

@Brazenhussy0

And when Op's husband masturbates without porn, I'm sure he imagines love hearts as his wife's halo whilst he caresses her comfortable hips and... No. More like his young, sexy, firm and pert colleague fellating him eagerly. I bet that's not "allowed too". Impure thoughts! She boss said.

I mean, fight the windmill on a windy day. Or just accept that that's the way bread is made.

@willsa

The pure announcement of having boundaries does not make someone automatically morally superior or right, as is often implied here. Boundaries can be skewed and can be used to control the other partner. Like my ex, who all of a sudden developed a "boundary" that me going to shops by myself is unacceptable and most likely an opportunity to "meet men". Have your boundaries all you want but stop controlling! Leave the relationship when things make you uncomfortable instead of manipulating the other person to quash your own anxieties.

Err... you accused me of making a leap but there's a rather large chasm between asking someone to drop their porn habit and telling someone not to go to the shops incase they meet someone else

Your response is now understandable though. You've had a bad experience with being controlled by a paranoid abuser, so you see the issue through that lens. But what he did to you is a far cry from a woman maintaining healthy boundaries and not allowing herself to be walked over, made to feel undesirable or coerced in a supposedly monogomous relationship.

What he did to you was based on paranoia. Paranoia requires the feared situation to not be true or happening. That is vastly different from the OP's situation, where the issue is something that actually is happening. She is not paranoid and neither is any woman who has an issue with discovered porn use in their relationship.
Do you understand what I'm saying here?

OP - your posts seem to be more about venting than anything.
You say you wish you understood why he does it. But you aren’t listening to anyone who provides you with insights as to why people do.
You also seem to only want him to change - and any change on our side is dismissed as impossible.
And you have no interest in trying to understand why you react the way you do.
And why now all of a sudden - after 20+ years you are having this sudden strong reaction. Yet your own ageing as a reason is dismissed.

Vent if you need to. There are certainly a lot of people on MN who’d egg you on to LTB. And who are quick to deal out deal breakers - and who think it’s OK to try to control how their partners masturbate.
Thing is - your low self esteem won’t be helped by asking your H to leave.
Any other man you’d date would also be aware that skinnier busty women exist.
From porn, TV, the streets, colleagues in the office.
And the way your head works right now - you’d imagine yourself being compared to other women again.

This isn’t an issue of your H watching porn. This is the case of you thinking you aren’t good enough compared to other women.

@razpoot I'm sorry that you're going through this, it's not easy and just some of the comments on here, which I respect, are very hard to read. I guess I know I'm not on my own here and others do feel it too so makes it real and not just be being paranoid, controlling as some have described me. I just know I don't have to and more importantly don't want to feel this any longer. Big hugs to you x

@willsa after reading your last post, it seems as though you are projecting.
Some people consider porn use unacceptable for ethical reasons, others because they simply do not want their partners being sexually aroused by other women. They are perfectly valid reasons, nothing controlling about them at all. My DP is free to leave me if he wishes to watch porn.

Or... your self-esteem is affected not only by your husband’s porn use but also by his refusal to take your feelings about it seriously.

@Brazenhussy0

Read that second paragraph to my partner, because it's a real biological and disgusting truth. He groaned and said "who fucking cares, who gives a fuck". Just charming

@Razpoot A lot of men don't particularly enjoy having a spotlight shone on the inner workings of their porn habits. Apathy is far easier than self-reflection - less effort on their part isn't it. The question is, why do you put up with it?

For me, the OP by the sounds, and many others it's because of the commitments we already have. I have a baby only 10 days away. Porn IS a dealbreaker for me, and I wish this is something I realised sooner. Being with my partner is nice, he treats me well, and he will be a good father to our daughter. I don't want to break up our soon to be family. If it makes my daughter happy having her mother and father and a secure home at the cost of me feeling a bit hollow and rejected, I'll take it. Makes me sad to say but it's the truth. Some days I cope with it better than others

Op you don't need to try to understand why he wants to watch porn. You don't like it and I totally agree with you. If my DH watched porn I'd be gone. Simple as