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Original poster

Should i leave my husband?

64 replies

em1981 · 27/09/2007 14:10

SHOULD I LEAVE MY HUSBAND?

Hi everyone, this is the first time ive been on the site but im in desperate need of advice. I found out last nite from my husband that he cheated on me just over a year ago with a work collegue. He says it was at a work do and he was very drunk. What makes it worse is that i was seven months pregnant with our daughter at the time. He only decided to tell me yesterday because he thinks he has a STD and may have passed it on to me! I feel so betrayed on so many levels, any advice? Should i give him a second chance but forever be wondering if he's done it again, or leave him. x

OP posts:
orkmum · 27/09/2007 14:11

Wow that sucks. Do you still love him?

mytwopenceworth · 27/09/2007 14:14

We can't make that choice for you.

Is he sorry? Do you love him? Do you want to try? Does he want to try? Do you think Relate could be useful? Other than this, what has he been like as a husband?

So so so many things to consider. I would advise don't make a snap decision. Take your time, think and really really consider couples counselling.

Tanee58 · 27/09/2007 14:14

Em, this is so really sad - it seems a common thing, though, for men to be tempted when their wives are pregnant. Perhaps it's a last blast at being carefree. Don't ditch him yet, you're still in shock and upset. You need to do a LOT of talking with him, let him know how you feel and give him a chance to prove himself - after all, it was a year ago. Do you have any reason to think he's done it again?

Elizabetth · 27/09/2007 14:14

You could try a trial separation until you get your head together. Even if you don't end up splitting up at least it would let him know how serious it is what he has done to you.

What a terrible betrayal. I'm so sorry he did this to you.

Original poster
em1981 · 27/09/2007 14:15

Im not sure, im in shock to be honest. We havent had it eay since we got married two years ago. I lived with my parents during the week as my job was over 50 miles away and the commute took over 5 hours a day. The one thing i could always rely on was his trust. That i was the only person he loved, wanted to be with. Now thats gine!

OP posts:
wildpatch · 27/09/2007 14:16

no.
we all do things that we regret in life. especially under the influence of drugs alcohol etc.
is he good otherwise? try and find a way to live with this. dont leave him because of htis. after all, he didnt need to tellyou at all. and if he is telling you hoping to end it because of this, then he is being a wuss. and y ouneed to find out the real reason he wants to end your relationship.
try reading the lone parents thread about child support. might make you rethink kicking him out.

mytwopenceworth · 27/09/2007 14:17

What has he had to say for himself? What are his thoughts? What are his wishes, his suggestions? In short - what is HE going to do to regain your trust and respect and rebuild the relationship?

Original poster
em1981 · 27/09/2007 14:17

I asked him last night to leave and not come back until i asked him to. He's staying back with his parents. I feel i have nobody to talk to. If i tell my mum and dad, i know they will never talk to him again.

OP posts:
orkmum · 27/09/2007 14:18

it sounds like you need some time to decide what is best - please don't make any snap descisions now that you might regret.

If you can bear it perhaps you should try to thrash it out and see what you both want from your marriage and how to achive it together.

Good luck
xx

Original poster
em1981 · 27/09/2007 14:19

He didnt say too much last night, just he didnt want me to leave him and that he loved me. It meant nothing...i kept thinking 'if you loved me, you wouldnt do this!'

OP posts:
chocolatemummy · 27/09/2007 14:20

we all make mistakes and in my oppinion one fling is not worth losing a marriage and a family over. However, think he should have told you anyway if it was a one off mistake and he wanted to be honest but just becuase he may have an STD is a pretty awful reason to confess.
you have a lot of talking and thinking to do

wildpatch · 27/09/2007 14:21

no em. its perfectly possible to love someone and have sex with someone else whenyou are drunk. particularly when the person you love is seven months pregnant.
nothing is black and white

Tanee58 · 27/09/2007 14:21

Don't tell your parents yet - unless they are likely to find out some other way. The important thing is to talk to HIM - though you may need a couple of days to deal with the shock.

mytwopenceworth · 27/09/2007 14:21

"It meant nothing" is probably the most horrible thing to say. If it meant something to them, then at least, oh, I don't know, but to betray you for something that meant nothing..it seems worse, somehow. Does anyone get what I am trying to say?

He needs to talk to you about why and what now.

Elizabetth · 27/09/2007 14:22

I guess the first thing to do is to get the whole truth out of him. I'd have thought with an affair the lying would be one of the hardest things to deal with. You have to be able to trust your partner and if you can't there isn't really a relationship there.

I agree that "I love yous" aren't enough, em.

Original poster
em1981 · 27/09/2007 14:22

I agree, i think telling my parents would be a mistake. I suppose i should make an appointment for the std clinic.

OP posts:
CountessDracula · 27/09/2007 14:23

Oh you poor thing

I would say that if it were just a one night stand then it is not worth ending your marriage over. I would be a bit that any STD he contracted took a year to appear though.

I think you need to sit down with him and find out what really happened, if it really was just a one night stand.

CountessDracula · 27/09/2007 14:24

FWIW it is likely that he will tell you as little as possible, it may be that he had concocted a one night stand as the most palatable thing to present to you.

Elizabetth · 27/09/2007 14:25

"no em. its perfectly possible to love someone and have sex with someone else whenyou are drunk. particularly when the person you love is seven months pregnant.
nothing is black and white"

I completely disagree with this. I was once tempted to have an affair - got as far as cosy drinks and then realised that there was no way I could lie to my dp or betray him like that. It made me feel cold inside.

The marriage vows don't say "faithful until I've had a few drinks". People take them for a reason and if they break them and betray their partner it's incredibly serious. What he's done is enough to be awarded an immediate divorce, no waiting.

Original poster
em1981 · 27/09/2007 14:25

The strange thing is that i havent been able to cry yet. I walked around to her house today to tell her husband but chickened out. I know she has cheated on her husband before because she slept with my husbands brother.keeping it in the family!!!!

OP posts:
LoveMyGirls · 27/09/2007 14:26

Personally i would kick him out while i made up my mind, if i missed him (to the extent i physically hurt without him) i would give it a try if i didn't then i would kick him out for good. But I would go to counselling if i did decide to try again. I would want to know why he felt the need to cheat so early in our marriage and at a time when i was most vunerable.

CountessDracula · 27/09/2007 14:27

Yes Elizabeth maybe in your mind
But in mine a one night stand would be an abberation and a serious slip up, not a marriage-ending event

Anyone can make a mistake, what you need to work out is how to trust them again. He needs to work HARD at your relationship to regain your trust and it will be a long and painful process.

Original poster
em1981 · 27/09/2007 14:27

Elizabeth- I know what you mean, there may be times when poeple get tempted and even get very close to having an affair....but dont! He crossed the line and im not sure if i can forgive that

OP posts:
CountessDracula · 27/09/2007 14:28

Yes, well you have to work out whether you can forgive of course

If you can you should go to couples counselling

Elizabetth · 27/09/2007 14:29

Mistakes are what you make when you slip up. Sex with someone who isn't your partner is a choice.

I'm not saying it has to end the marriage but I'm shocked at people saying it's just one of those things. Speaking at someone who actually came at it from the other side, it's definitely not "one of those things". I don't know how people can lie to their partners like that - it's a horrible thing to do to someone and isn't anything about love or caring.