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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should i leave my husband?

64 replies

em1981 · 27/09/2007 14:10

SHOULD I LEAVE MY HUSBAND?

Hi everyone, this is the first time ive been on the site but im in desperate need of advice. I found out last nite from my husband that he cheated on me just over a year ago with a work collegue. He says it was at a work do and he was very drunk. What makes it worse is that i was seven months pregnant with our daughter at the time. He only decided to tell me yesterday because he thinks he has a STD and may have passed it on to me! I feel so betrayed on so many levels, any advice? Should i give him a second chance but forever be wondering if he's done it again, or leave him. x

OP posts:
Original poster
em1981 · 27/09/2007 14:30

The worst part is that he sister recently went through the same thing with her husband- who had been having an affair for over a year. We were there to support his sister and my husband was so judge mental about the whole situation. He's no better

OP posts:
ahundredtimes · 27/09/2007 14:30

How old is your child em?

mytwopenceworth · 27/09/2007 14:32

Re him being so judgemental of his brother's affair - Sometimes someone is ott about something through their own guilt. In the same way as someone having an affair can become very paranoid and accuse their own partner of infidelity.

I think you need to dig for more information, tbh.

Original poster
em1981 · 27/09/2007 14:32

When my friends went through this with their husbands, i always thought if this was me, i would know my husband was cheating.... i would be able to tell that he was hiding something. Am i a mug or what?

OP posts:
mytwopenceworth · 27/09/2007 14:33

No. You're not. Don't turn this onto yourself. None of this is your fault in any way. Of course you have trust in the man you love.

Original poster
em1981 · 27/09/2007 14:33

My daughter is 11 months. We had even started talking about trying for a second.

OP posts:
madamez · 27/09/2007 14:34

People vary a lot in how big a deal a one night stand is to them. I agree with all the posters who say you shouldn't make a snap decision in a hurry, you do need to weigh up the good things in your marriage against one brief drunken bunk up.
What I would stress, though, is that you make the choice that's best for you and not one that's driven by what people imply you're supposed to do or feel.

Original poster
em1981 · 27/09/2007 14:35

Im trying not to blame myself but over analysing the way i look. The weight ive put on since the birth of my daughter.

OP posts:
Caroline1852 · 27/09/2007 14:36

I would not tell the woman's husband if I were you. Your husband has behaved badly, that woman has behaved badly, no need for you to join in.

Elizabetth · 27/09/2007 14:36

Do you have anybody in real life who can support you through this, em?

Original poster
em1981 · 27/09/2007 14:36

I agree that i def need some time to think.

OP posts:
CountessDracula · 27/09/2007 14:36

You could however use it as a lever to get the whole truth (if there is more to it than he says) from your dh

wildpatch · 27/09/2007 14:38

can i just point out that em has said he had one drunken fling. not that he had an affair.
both are very different things.
i just dont think she should allow his bad beyhaviour to break up her family.

Original poster
em1981 · 27/09/2007 14:39

We have recently moved to the area- its where my husbands family are from. Ive made friends through antenatal but dont feel close enough to them. I have a good circle of friends where my parents live. I intend on giving them a call this evening.

OP posts:
wildpatch · 27/09/2007 14:40

em, if you cant forgive that, then thats fine of course.
lots of positive thoughts for youand your baby.

Original poster
em1981 · 27/09/2007 14:41

thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
em1981 · 27/09/2007 14:43

i already feel better for talking about it.

OP posts:
mytwopenceworth · 27/09/2007 14:44

I hope you take your time and make the right choice for you. Good luck.

HappyWoman · 27/09/2007 15:53

I am a surviver of an affair, nothing is black and white and i am still coming to terms with a lot. Expect your emotions to be all over the place for a while - good advice not to make any permanant decisions. REmember he has had a long long time to think about how to handle this - and now you need time too.

What i will say is that you will survive and i believe be a stronger person at the end of all this whatever you want to do.

Keep talking and whatever you are feeling is ok.

How does your h react when you 'threaten' to tell the other H? This is very telling. He should be able to support you in whatever will make YOU feel better and not have any loyalties to the OW.

I dont think you should go telling yet but keep it as an option.

Let him do the SDT check - if he is clear then you dont need to. Also for honesty ask that you are present if he has an STD and has to disclose his previous partners. He should allow you to be there to 'prove' there is no-one else. There are implications to having a test (i should know i had to declare it on a life insurrance form recently!!)

Anyway there is a huge amount of support here whatever you do.

Good luck.

HappyWoman · 27/09/2007 15:55

It is also a good idea to know where you would stand legally and it is not as scary as you think.

Knowing you could do it alone is quite empowering.

sheepgirl · 27/09/2007 22:02

Hey Em how are you? What a horrid situation especially with a young child in tow. All I can think to offer is how was your relationship before you found out about the affair.....strong/in trouble/poor communication?

Sending you lots of happy vibe

LazyLinePainterJane · 27/09/2007 22:07

Sounds to me like he HAS an STD and has no option now but to tell you about his affair/one night stand. If he's already been lying to you, it seems likely that he would be tested first. If he didn't have anything then he wouldn't need to tell you.

You need to sort out the STD stuff. Nothing adds up. He says that he had a one night stand roughly 13 months ago and only now thinks he has an STD? Either he's known about the infection for a while and has been having sex with you regardless, or he's having an affair and the STD is more recent.

Original poster
em1981 · 28/09/2007 08:31

Hi guys, thanks for all your support and advice. I decided to phone my husband last night and invited him round. There were so many questions i wanted answered. He explained to me that he had no feelings for this woman before the night it happened. The flirted all evening and it ended up with her coming back to our house. He admitted last night that she did in fact sleep with him in our bed, i think thats been the hardest thing to take so far. He said it only happened the once. As for the STD, he's been checked and said its all clear. I dont see how i can have anything then?

OP posts:
sheepgirl · 28/09/2007 19:51

If it happened in your bed where were.....you were 7 mths pregnant at the time right? I can't imagine you were out partying!

Caroline1852 · 28/09/2007 23:50

I think the OP would have raised the problem of her being in the same bed whilst the one night stand occured - if that was the case .