Never been part of a friendship group.

[Whisperywords]

This really.
It bothers me a lot.
I've seen women I used to go to school with continue their close-knit groups into their thirties. I've been on the side-lines of many groups, but never quite "made it." At school I used to eat my lunch with the same group of friends every day, I remember inviting them to my 16th birthday party and none of them ever inviting me to theirs. I'd been on the side-lines of their group since primary school.
I tried making friends with trouble-maker groups then, but just wasn't trouble enough.
I used to go clubbing with a different group of school friends then around the time of my 17th birthday, but never properly gelled with them either. There was no space for me in their limo to the prom, so I ended up going with the trouble makers, despite spending no time at all with them at the prom itself.
In my 20s, I made friends with a completely different friend from school and had by this point, friends I'd met at college and university, but still no group as such. I watched my previous friends become bridemaids for each other. Still, at 35, I've never been a bridesmaid.
I've had different circles of friends since but basically, always been a bit of a wanderer. DH has had one set of friends all his life. Hes 40. They've holidayed together, been each others ushers and god-fathers.
I'm still wandering and have a handful of friends from different times of my life. I still don't have a best friend and doubt I'd ever be a bridesmaid for any of them should they need one.
It makes me sad.
Where have I gone wrong?

[KetoWinnie]

I'd say I have a long history of being no trouble too @Phthalo
I've always had the ''do no harm'' part down pat. But the ''take no shit'' part had to be learnt and consciously implemented.

It's weird but I think some Fight! Fawn! types know instinctively that whatever boundary you defended with difficulty right now, it wasn't natural for you The fact that you're summonsing up courage to challenge their behavior makes them so angry with you.

Even though in the group they would respect those they're kissing up for the same behavior.

These group dynamics are interesting. If I sound like I think everybody is a bully, I do not. I think it's a low percentage of women who carry on like this (men have their own forms of aggression).

I like women. I trust them. I want to me their friend. I"m a woman's woman and I'm always so disappointed when I encounter this bullsh1t

[KetoWinnie]

@perfumeistooexpensive

I don't belong to a friendship group and neither does my DH. We are happy to socialise with family. I joined a fitness class several years ago and was thrilled to make friends with some of the women and be invited to the pub etc. Then someone new came along and I realised that I was being frozen out. Nights out with everyone but me posted on SM by the newcomer. It became more and more obvious. I had a big birthday and it was totally ignored and yet everyone else had a big fuss made on theirs, surprise parties etc. I had a bad breakdown and will never try to make friends again. I get enough invitations from family and I have a wonderful DH. I'm lucky to have them. I don't understand why I was pushed out, but their loss. I'm better off now, looking back at that awful time. OP don't stress over it, life can be great without these groups.

You can bet your life the group fell apart.

I think these types are as thick as shit. What the group needs is somebody loyal who values inclusion and harmony. But they kick that person out and probably wonder why the group falls apart in 10 months.

[FinallyRelief]

I think I would say if you looked closely it's because you're actually really friendly and mix with lots of different types of people that's what I tell myself.

I'm lucky to have a large extended family so my cousins and aunties fill a lot of gaps.

Looking at my core friendships groups it's often about time and who you click with. I'm a bit of a floater outside of family - but then have friends who I would say are best friends - but they too have their best mates there is no exclusivity etc.

I have school friends - I don't mix with much I don't live in my home town - I have mum friends from the school - once again I don't always get invited to everything - it's about time for a lot of people.

Sorry a bit all over the place but I like to look at what I've got. Not what I don't have. Friendships take time and don't happen over night.

I've also had to turn possible friendships down because of time again. So people stop asking if I can come over or go out etc so that makes me feel bad.

[Phthalo]

That’s interesting @KetoWinnie . As you mentioned earlier, I have a strong sense of self. Luckily I was raised with self esteem and I think that plays into my lack of friends because I don’t seek validation from others. Completely subconscious of course, I have only joined these dots up in the last couple of years. Also very grateful I was raised that was because I am on the larger side and luckily have never tied my self worth to my weight, phew! That could have caused a ton more issues for me. So yay for my parents in that sense. But I want a confidante other than my husband!!!

[Keepwarminthisroom]

It must be exhausting being that alpha female friend.

I'm fairly solo with groups of friends, certainly am never the number one in any group, ok with that though I think ..

[Idontlikewednesdays]

I don’t have a friendship group, as in a group of friends that I hang out with. I have about 6 friends who don’t know each other that I see for brew, lunch, cinema. This is more than enough for me. I think of anything worse than going on holiday with a big group of women. I have been a bridesmaid three or four times. It’s very overrated. I’d much rather just be a guest at a wedding.

[Keepwarminthisroom]

I baffle myself sometimes, there's a group I know that I'm loosely part of, all extremely nice women and yet I don't quite fit in. The weird thing is that I feel almost relieved that I don't but also a bit sad that I don't, what's that all about i wonder?!

[FridaKFangirl]

It’s interesting about the group thing. That’s definitely not the bit I yearn for, it’s the close 1:1 or 1:2. I’m well liked, but no one’s number one, like a PP said...

I’m confident in myself, know I am definitely a people-pleaser, it’s linked to some deep childhood stuff and am actually working on that, but also happy to stand up for myself and I do speak my mind.

I also have little family and a difficult mother so no ‘gap filling’ there.

It sounds a bit sad but when a PP (that I now can’t find) said ‘she became like a sister’... I thought - that is exactly what I wish I had...

[coldwarenigma]

53..and still not part of 'the crowd', always the butt of jokes. Part of me is past caring at other times it is upsetting. I was once told I had 'social skills' issues, sometimes I wonder, other times I think if being cliquey and exclusionary is 'skill' I'd rather be the odd one out!

[1981m]

I am 39 and only just had my first group of friends. It's fairly early days and still getting to know each other. There are four of us, I am trying to play it cool.

I have learnt over the years I am not good with groups of friends and have kind of accepted that. The others seem to get closer and I end up being left out, or I am on the out skirts of it, no-ones first choice which I end up getting upset about.

I am much better at 1-1 friendships or I have a group of three of us. I find it simpler as I am not over analysing who is closer or who is meeting up without me.

The current group seems not to be like that, but I do tend not to get too involved so I don't get hurt.

[goteam]

@Keepwarminthisroom it always looked like hard work. She is never relaxed, eyes always darting, uncomfortable in a group unless she has curated it, makes out she is a girls girl but really very jealous of other women. She confided in me once that she hides people on social media if she is envious of their life. Also she only has a social life because she is very pushy until people agree to do something. She will ring and text etc until a plan has been made, very needy and full-on, and I was beginning to tire of it.

I started to make another friend last year through our DDs hobby who displayed similar pushiness and I began to draw back.

[ResumetonormalASAP]

There's a lot of us about.

I am sorry you feel sad about this. Some people seem to gel with others. I get on well with loads but never get close to anyone.

You sound like you have had many friends but not a best friend, maybe because before things really developed you moved on to another group....there is a lot of moving from group in your post?

Try not to let it get to you too much though.

[Phthalo]

I went to an(socially distanced) birthday gathering on Friday with my best local friend, for another good friend’s bday, and knew 3 of the other guests from around town so that gave me confidence to chat to the few others I didn’t know. I LOVED it and would want more of that. I would host but only have those two I mentioned first to invite. I’m good at chatting to people at parties/in the playground etc but it rarely goes further than that and I always makes good friends with people who have scores of friends, so I am never MY number 1’s number 1 if that makes sense.

[Stressmess]

@whisperywords I read your post and all the others and so much of it rang true for me too. I always have seemed to be on the outside of things and know the feeling of being in a group but not really being included, I am sure you know what I mean!

I was in a group of girls from secondary school and this continued on for many years but I was always, always on the outside. The least important one in the group, the one who was last to know if anything happened. I think the problem was that all the rest of them had one or two others in the group who they were close too but I didn't have that I was just part of the group.

The two incidents you mentioned funny also happened to me too. The first one was we were all meant to be going out one night to a club. Great I enquired about how we were getting only to be told that they had booked a taxi and that the taxi was full. Why would you do that? Book it knowing that you are leaving one person out? I had to get my parents to leave me there and collect me afterwards.

The second one I asked the one that I felt closest too to be my bridesmaid and I was proud to have her as my bridesmaid. She got married shortly afterwards and didn't ask me but asked two of the others out of the group. I think the worst thing was that she didn't say anything to me, I just found out on the grapevine. I am sure she would have known that I was expecting to be a bridesmaid and would be and was very hurt not to be.

My SIL has a group of girl friends that have been friends from School and they are genuine friends. They all have married, have careers and children but have stuck together and meet up and go on holiday together. My SIL is lovely and I do get on well with her, I wouldn't be a priority for her, she has lots of friends from lots of different places.

My DH I wouldn't say that he really has lots of friends but he has an easy charm about him that he can talk to people and people seem to like him. These day I seem to be no more than aquantice girl, ok but not really anybodys priority.

[goteam]

@Stressmess that's awful, how could they leave you out of the taxi plans like that?! I wonder if when they have daughters they reflect on their behaviour if the same thing happens to their child.

I worry about this happening to my DD. She is very popular at the moment in primary school but always makes an effort to include others which it seems backfires and makes you no-ones priority. I dont want to teach her that she needs to be cliquey though.

[CyberNan]

for years I thought there was something wrong with me, then I gradually accepted myself for what I thought I was... an anti social loner... now I realise that there are millions of us...

how funny

I have a few people that I sometimes spend time with... I call them friends but there is no depth to the relationship.

if I ever need support or help, I look inward. I am my own best friend...

[WildPareDown]

There’s quite a lot of threads on this on mumsnet - search “have no friends” or “meh friend” or “people don’t warm to me”

As someone who is firmly in that category (but I’m generally content, with how I’ve grown as a person, have a good quality of life etc) I think I’ve hit the stage now in my mid 30’s where I’m not even making the effort.

If there’s a mainly female group which isn’t essential I’m completely dismissing it.

It’s not a case of attributing blame or being resentful - but if you look at social situations as a combination of “how they are and how I am”

and how the end result is often me feeling walked over and excluded, it seems better directing my energy to other things .

Like pps said it’s a shame because I like the IDEA of having these great female bonds, but if it’s not working it’s not working.

I agree with a lot of the points the pps have made about hierarchy and users and toxicity.

It’s very hurtful when you take the cumulative lifetime effect of all those little snubs - feeling like you’re in with a group and then being excluded, being latched onto only because other women think you can get them in with eligible men...

I also find it incredibly unpleasant and demeaning when what with hindsight is actual intentional woman-on-woman bullying and manipulation is dismissed with “oh you were such a quiet person/loner/eccentric/quirky individual “

[GingerBeverage]

I've got friends but I'm never the main friend, if that makes sense. I'm a peripheral.
Two of my oldest friends forgot my recent big birthday (but both got very nice presents from me for theirs in years prior).
I grew up watching Sex and the City and I've always wondered how women just bond like that.
I'm not bitter about it at all but it does flummox me and make me self analytical in my interactions. I worry a lot about saying the wrong thing. Even in whatsapp!
So you're not alone at all. But I can't offer any advice.

[yellowbluebell]

Same here OP.

[famousforwrongreason]

Same here. Its hard as I have developed quite bad anxiety so find it really difficult to communicate so I never get past first base awkward chit chat with most people.
I'm working really hard to let go of the negative influences, mainly people who used me to make up the numbers or as a punchbag or the butt of their jokes. I like to think I'm in a transition phase but what I'm left with is me feeling really alone.
Very toxic family connections too.

[947EliseChalotte]

Why don't you all post the area you live in cause if you live in the same area/ town you could meet upband make a new friendship group which would be nice cause you're all in the same boat. Xx

[goteam]

@947EliseChalotte I think the OP and others are more lamenting the lack of a tight knit group from school / university days than a general lack of friends. It seems that others have plenty of friends but from different walks of life rather than a close group from their school days. I fall into that group. I also think some of us have noted that we are actually quite antisocial and may have liked the idea of being part of a group more than the reality!

[DCIHoops]

I have to ask - what is everyone’s Myer-Briggs personality type? Asking because I’m an INFJ. Wondering if that’s a common factor as a few have mentioned being introverted.

[Ingridla]

Same here x

[cyclingmad]

INFJ here so I'm quite self aware hence why I don't get caught up about big friendship groups