Never been part of a friendship group.

[Whisperywords]

This really.
It bothers me a lot.
I've seen women I used to go to school with continue their close-knit groups into their thirties. I've been on the side-lines of many groups, but never quite "made it." At school I used to eat my lunch with the same group of friends every day, I remember inviting them to my 16th birthday party and none of them ever inviting me to theirs. I'd been on the side-lines of their group since primary school.
I tried making friends with trouble-maker groups then, but just wasn't trouble enough.
I used to go clubbing with a different group of school friends then around the time of my 17th birthday, but never properly gelled with them either. There was no space for me in their limo to the prom, so I ended up going with the trouble makers, despite spending no time at all with them at the prom itself.
In my 20s, I made friends with a completely different friend from school and had by this point, friends I'd met at college and university, but still no group as such. I watched my previous friends become bridemaids for each other. Still, at 35, I've never been a bridesmaid.
I've had different circles of friends since but basically, always been a bit of a wanderer. DH has had one set of friends all his life. Hes 40. They've holidayed together, been each others ushers and god-fathers.
I'm still wandering and have a handful of friends from different times of my life. I still don't have a best friend and doubt I'd ever be a bridesmaid for any of them should they need one.
It makes me sad.
Where have I gone wrong?

[zeddybrek]

Me too OP. I have a best friend but apart from her no group and have drifted on the periphery between different groups throughout my life. It makes me sad sometimes because it makes me feel all those friendships were so for the moment and not long lasting. Sorry you are feeling like this OP. Could you start a hobby or book club to meet more people.

[AhNowTed]

OP my daughter (21) is exactly the same.

Always on the periphery, never really part of the group.

It's been heartbreaking over the years.

It's very common, more than you would think.

Don't give up. She eventually found her "tribe" at university. It's still not great, but is a lot better.

[MazDazzle]

I’m 39 and have only just found my friendship comfort zone. I have one close friend and a few other friends. I feel comfortable with it and I’m grateful. I do feel a bit of regretful that I didn’t go to school with any of them, so I understand how you feel. I’ve never been asked to be a bridesmaid either! If I had my time again it would be lovely to have made theses friends in childhood and kept them, but my life didn’t work out like that. My situation is completely different to my DH’s too, please don’t try to compare yourself to your DH.

[Whisperywords]

Interestingly, my personality type is INFP.

What's everyone else's?

[FridaKFangirl]

@Whisperywords I’m an ESFJ Or Ned Flanders if you do the Simpsons version!

[Howdidthathappen1]

Oh I just did my test I'm an ISTP.
I'm going to have a proper read later it looks really interesting

[Flyg]

I am 38 and similar to you. It used to bother me I remember around my mid 20's, but it doesnt anymore. I have found about 3 friends who I feel truly connected to, but we arent a group and the 3 people dont know each other. Outside of them I have various little groups who I kind of flit between, and now I embrace it and enjoy it.

I found as soon as I stopped being upset about it and just looked for new groups or people to spend time with, it all just naturally evolved into a situation I was happy with. Now because I am not always available its as if people now want to see me more. Be a bit exclusive, you may find yourself all of a sudden in demand.

[ittakes2]

I would go find a therapist that helps with social skills. You might find tweaking your interactions with others might help. My parents have poor communications skills so naturally didn’t teach me how to make friends. I saw a therapist - we discussed things like eye contact. I was looking at people’s faces - even their eyes but not looking them in the eye. Now I do that briefly when I meet people - catch their eye and all of a sudden I ‘exist’ rather than being someone they glance over.

[Stressmess]

I have just taken the test and am a ISFJ and I was reading the characteristics and a lot of them I was like yes that it is me. It makes for interesting reading

@ittakes2 you make some interesting points. My parents growing up weren't very social people. I never had a birthday party growing up or had other children round to our house. I think I missed out on a lot of making interactions with others.
Now with my own children I am like, birthday party invitation, yes you are going and any opportunity to get them in to clubs and activities I would send them so they can mix and interact with other children and not have that awkwardness that I have.
My parents now have been in lockdown for 4 months and I would phone them every 1 - 2 weeks but they haven't been anywhere or seen anyone and both seem to be quite content with each other and their own company. One sibling who I wouldn't describe as particularly social so maybe it is just in the genes?

[HouseBeforeMarriage]

I am 33 and the same as you OP. Going on social media and seeing acquaintances from work/hobbies/school meeting up with their friends following lockdown is sad when I am making plans with no one

[SoulofanAggron]

I feel your pain and I know it's no consolation but your situation could be a lot worse.

I've had to have EMDR therapy for all the bullying etc and complete rejection by many social groups throughout my life.

I'm not making it a competition I'm just suggesting maybe it might help to appreciate what you do have? xxx

[SoulofanAggron]

I'm an ESTP but there's no evidence for the typing, it's debunked really.

It turns out I have autistic traits even though I'm an extrovert, traits I never found out about/was diagnosed with until my 40s. I'm very keen on trying to make friends, but I cock up and say the wrong things etc.

It's only in the last few months I've started to give less of a shit, I used to be gutted at my lack of friends, judging my self worth by it. No if someone hurts me I block them. It's so much more empowering to get in there first.

[HouseBeforeMarriage]

I’m an INFJ-T, an advocate. Very interesting reading, apparently my personality type makes up just 1% of the population!

[RhubarbTea]

I'm so glad I saw this thread. I completely relate to feeling like a Tier 2 friend and oftens being on the periphery, even from childhood. My 12 year old is a bit the same. I do have a few friends but whenever I get in a group of friends, I feel on the outside and they seem to make plans to meet up which don't include me. It really hurts. I'm 36 and have felt like this my whole life. I think lockdown initially was quite soothing because everyone was being forced to live my normal introverted life, but now it's easing and people are back out meeting up the contract between most people and me is painful and is making me reflect on this a lot.
I don't have any answers except I am so glad to see you all here and know I'm not alone. I've cried over the past few days about this and it's really getting me down at the moment.

[SoulofanAggron]

I think lockdown initially was quite soothing because everyone was being forced to live my normal introverted life,

@RhubarbTea I kind of felt that too. It was a great leveller.

[RhubarbTea]

It really was! I felt pretty happy during lockdown as I work from home anyway although I was definitely missing my usual activities and meetups/clubs. Now lockdown been lifted and none of those more official activities have resumed, but people are meeting up in friendship groups more informally... I just feel painfully lonely and constantly on the verge of tears.

[BoomShacks]

INFJ here too! We only represent 1% of the population, so it's interesting there are a number of us here!

[RhubarbTea]

Ohh it says I'm an INFJ as well..

[itsureis]

@RhubarbTea sending virtual hugs 🤗 and a cup of tea ☕️

[RhubarbTea]

Thanks @itsureis I'm feeling a bit better after a video chat with one of my few good friends.

[Cactusmum]

Friendship groups can be hard.. its an one for all and all for one thing and if any bickering breaks out someone gets left out..shit hits the fan its just hard work. I lost an entire friend group a few years back and currently have 2 very close friends that dont know each other and 3 other good friends that i see less that all barely know each other and its a lot easier to have the one on one relationships. much less complicated. Im in my 40s now and kind of feel the close friends i have now will be the ones i still have in my senior years. lol

[Spinakker]

I think most people are actually not part of a friendship group though. Especially once they are older with their own families. Your family is kind of like your group. It's a nice idea to be part of a friendship group but I don't see why it's the be all and end all. Would you actually be happier as part of s large group ? You don't really know that. It's just you've formed an idea that it's expected in life to be part of a large friendship group. I expect it's more common not to be.

[catfeets]

I have the same issue. No idea why I can't make friends but I prefer being alone anyway.
Throughout lockdown I got one text that wasn't from family. When I got divorced a few years ago, no one asked me if I was ok. After I had my baby I got a couple of texts from people being nosy, but that was all - no one asked to see her. I'm not on social media because there's no point as I wouldn't have any friends on there.

It used to bother me at school that I didn't have friends, but the older I got, the more irritating it got to be around people. I don't like being forced to do things I don't really want to do and I would hate things like weekends away with friends, nights out drinking etc.
My DP also has no friends but he has Aspergers, so a genuine reason why he struggles to make friends.
What genuinely confuses me though is people who have hoards of friends but they're not even a nice person - yet I can't even make one friend.

[Goyle]

I had one best friend at school but was always on the fringes of friendship groups. At university (nursing) the culture was clubbing and drinking a lot which I wasn't interested in. I liked meals out, going to museums and galleries and reading. So although my roommates liked and accepted me, I was still on the fringes. Groups generally freak me out. I get very nervous and my mind goes blank.

I've always been a floating friend, not anyone's priority and certainly not someone to come running for if the worst happens.

I never became a nurse (dropped out) but in every job since I have got along people just fine, but I am not one for making great strides in being friends. I am a lousy friend anyway. I cancel at the last minute, I ghost people, and I am a lazy person. I would rather be alone with my books, or with art, or in an English Heritage property!

About two years ago I had an episode of depression and out of that came a long period of anxiety. Lots of things were happening at once at the time but because of my lack of social circle I thought I had to deal with it alone. I found common ground with a couple of colleagues who were going through the same thing, and a couple more stepped up to help, but out of all of them I am still only really friendly with one of them. She seems genuinely interested in being my friend so we'll see how that goes.

I have had counselling and decided that I'm an introvert, with a bit of social anxiety thrown in. Extroverts don't understand why I have lousy eye contact and why I'm so quiet. I watch people a lot and think a lot, but I don't talk a lot. Extroverts sometimes think I'm rude. Not my intention, but I understand their reasoning.

I recently disengaged from another friend after he stopped contact. 20 years ago I would have gone a bit mad but now, although I miss him, I think it just falls within my pattern. I don't expect the other friend to stick around either but I might be surprised. I have to make the effort.

It used to be a problem for me but I'm now in my early 40s and I think it's just me being me.

[Goyle]

ISFJ The Nurturer.