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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Secret planning to leave DH - days to go .

929 replies

Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 03/07/2020 15:34

Hi there - previous thread started with DH AWOL , arrested for drink driving . Final straw for me in out marriage , planning to leave in secret on Thursday. 6 days to go . Feeling shit about everything - pain the kids will have to go through , pain and upset his family and him . Wishing he was a reasonable person enough that we could separate amicably. Wishing I could predict which way this is going to go- hating the double life I am currently leading .Sad started this thread just for the hand holding whilst the proverbial hits the fan over the next 7 days !

OP posts:
LannieDuck · 05/07/2020 13:07

I didn't catch your previous thread (although it's vaguely familiar, so maybe I read the start of it), but good luck for Thurs.

jackdaw141 · 05/07/2020 13:10

Why not send him to the pub on Thursday with £10 and say prove you can socialise without necking masses of alcohol, that should get you two drinks and you can make them last two hours before walking home. Chances are he will slip another £20 in his back pocket and stay there for four hours and you will be away. He will not resist the offer.

Nearlyshitmypantsthere · 05/07/2020 14:00

4 more sleeps @Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme. Not long now, you're doing great. Hope everything falls into place for you x

MiniCooperLover · 05/07/2020 14:01

Please don't send him to the pub, if he does drink heavily and then come home to find you left and taken his children he may not react well at all if he's drunk. He's going to react badly most likely but sober is preferable than drunk. Taking the kids to a friend and then going home with backup support makes sense to me.

SomeHalfHumanCreatureThing · 05/07/2020 14:16

Good luck.

I've been there. Those last few days before you leave are so difficult. Hang in there.

Holothane · 05/07/2020 14:46

Yes I remember the last few days I couldn’t believe it was really happening hugs masses of them.

PrincessForADay · 05/07/2020 15:33

I remember your last thread OP, I was strangely thinking of you the other day. You sound strong & organised, glad you have RL support in addition to us cheering you on.

Wow £2k rent arrears & a potential fine yet his priority is booking a holiday!? He really is on another planet. Did his employer find out about him being arrested?

whiplashy · 05/07/2020 16:22

good luck!

MrsPerfect12 · 05/07/2020 16:48

I remember the first thread. Wishing you the best of luck. A new and much better life awaits you.

Westiegirl3 · 05/07/2020 16:53

Wishing you all the best for a stress less future with your boys x

NCsonoOuting · 05/07/2020 17:16

Sorry haven't rtft; I did something very similar to you 9.5 yrs ago, best thing I ever did! My husband was supposed to be going to an old school reunion for 24 hrs but cancelled, aaargh! But I still managed to get away because I had everything planned so well beforehand and he took his car to a distant garage. I'm not good at making decisions quickly but prayer and supportive quick-thinking friends helped!

Don't if anyone posted anything like this, Women's Aid's helpful list of what important things to try and pack when you're leaving under these kind of circs:
www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/making-a-safety-plan/#1447926965295-8f67f8a6-62c7

AcrossthePond55 · 05/07/2020 17:20

IF you have him go to the pub be sure you send someone along 'for company'. That person can alert you via text ("Gotta go pee before we leave" then text from the toilet) so you'll know he's on his way home.

Also, (and this is from a US perspective) perhaps if you alert the police that you are leaving that day and expect there may be trouble they can do more frequent patrols down your street or put you on a 'hot list' with 999 as an 'immediate response' address.

AcrossthePond55 · 05/07/2020 17:21

In fact, if you arrange for him to go anywhere, get a trusted person to go so they can contact you if/when they head home.

SkinSkin · 05/07/2020 18:12

I was on the other thread and just placemarking..

SkinSkin · 05/07/2020 18:13

Sorry, hit send too soon.
OP, I'm really sorry he went back to his old ways last night and can see how that brings relief in a strange way. I really wish you and your children all the very best Thanks

mathanxiety · 05/07/2020 18:48

If the golf is outdoors and the weather is horrible, will he still go? Or will it be cancelled or cut short?

You need a Plan B.

mathanxiety · 05/07/2020 18:58

Then he did ask if it was ok to have a glass or wine or two together. I remember flashing everything everyone had said to me about it's not my responsibility to stop him drinking - it has to be his. So I said this to him in as many words -well I said it's up to you m what do you think ? And that is when he went. Did I set him up for that ,from his perspective ? Just checking x

Well of course it did - from his perspective. His flawed and self-serving perspective...

All roads lead to drinking as far as he is concerned.
Weather sucks - drink.
Weather gorgeous - drink.
Anniversary rolls around and a nice curry is eaten - drink.
Children having fun on a nice sunny day - drink.
Children fighting like cats and dogs - drink.
Wife happy - drink.
Wife sad/angry/busy - drink.
Wife tells him not to drink - drink.
Wife tells him to drink - drink.
Been a good boy for six weeks - not only drink but ponder buying coke too...

Shrug off the guilt. You are only a prop in his life right now.

jackdaw141 · 05/07/2020 18:58

Plan A and Plan B is the pub. Mark my words.

The pudding when it is taken out of the oven on Friday will be glorious.

QT.

Riv · 05/07/2020 23:08

Thinking of tonight op. Not long now. Stay strong. You’ve got this.

Icanflyhigh · 05/07/2020 23:21

I am so proud of you for doing this for yourself and your DCs. You're on the home straight now and you can do this. Your new life literally starts next week.

It was 6 years ago today for me, ExH left me and though it was a different situation to you, I have never looked back.

iMatter · 06/07/2020 07:24

Well done OP. You are doing so well.

I imagine his mantra will now be "I can give up so I don't have a problem" whilst spiralling back into his old ways.

Everything crossed for you

Literallynoidea · 06/07/2020 07:41

OP you are so strong. You will do this for your children and one day they will realise how strong their mother was.

Do you think he might have put any tracking apps on your phone? Might be worth a search for Find Friends, Life 360 and any other apps - depends if he's the sort who might have done that.

Also Find My IPhone - can he track you down that way? It's called Find My (I actually think it's the new name for Find Friends) - have a look and make sure it's turned off.

How far away are you going? Will he find you do you think? And will his family understand why you've gone?

All the luck to you. I wish I could help you but you sound pretty sorted Well done x

WindyRose · 06/07/2020 07:50

OP fingers crossed for you. It might be a good idea to check DC's phones and turn off location settings there too.

You are doing great although I guess you might not feel that way this week. Flowers

finished31 · 06/07/2020 10:05

I remember your last thread OP.

Your doing so well......just 3 more sleeps x

picklemewalnuts · 06/07/2020 13:04

Nearly there.

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