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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Secret planning to leave DH - days to go .

929 replies

Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 03/07/2020 15:34

Hi there - previous thread started with DH AWOL , arrested for drink driving . Final straw for me in out marriage , planning to leave in secret on Thursday. 6 days to go . Feeling shit about everything - pain the kids will have to go through , pain and upset his family and him . Wishing he was a reasonable person enough that we could separate amicably. Wishing I could predict which way this is going to go- hating the double life I am currently leading .Sad started this thread just for the hand holding whilst the proverbial hits the fan over the next 7 days !

OP posts:
Cherrybakewellard · 04/07/2020 16:05

@Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme

Well I usually work Thursday all day. So that helps as a cover but I need him to go out for a couple of hours - I have my two sisters and my best friend coming around and just piling everything into my work van so time wise is doable. But he needs to be reliably out the house. If I ask one of his family to ask him over for something I will have inadvertently made them an accessory. I am a bit reluctant as it's doubly hard on them . But he might do it for a friend or one of my family . Will have another think . It's my main worry at the moment . ...I have got to find an answer soon !
Ask him to go to the pub? Grin Sorry but actually that might be a good way of getting him out for a while.
TheletterZ · 04/07/2020 16:16

When you do leave he WILL do the wounded puppy act. He will then ask if it is about the wine. And if it was a problem you only needed to say something.

You know this is an act but you should be prepared for it. A lot of his family will fall for it so you need to prepare for that too.

“Too little, too late” is a good answer for him and don’t get caught trying to justify yourself. The very fact you are moving out in secret speaks volumes.

Good luck this week, use the police if you need to on Thursday if there are any problems.

Gooseysgirl · 04/07/2020 16:20

You can do this OP, keep posting when you can, we are with you all the way

WindsorBlues · 04/07/2020 16:22

Just checking in to say you're doing great OP. It really will be worth it in the end.

Morporkia · 04/07/2020 16:51

Does it have to be Thursday? Could you move in before then? Just thinking that if he pops to the pub for a quick one or 5 Sunday lunchtime You might be able to get gone then? Read your AWOL thread and am so glad you’re moving onwards and upwards. Good luck 🏠 💐

Pumpkintopf · 04/07/2020 20:45

Well done for staying strong op. Agree this latest lapse clarifies and strengthens that all your instincts were right.

Cherrysoup · 04/07/2020 23:35

Don’t worry about making someone an accessory, it’s not a crime to leave! You need a window whereby he’s not around.

Is your 17 year old on board with this?

Holothane · 04/07/2020 23:45

Another day done you’ll get through this, just think Thursday night you’ll be free his problem not yours any longer., 🤗

BeingLonely · 05/07/2020 00:06

OP do you need both your sisters to help the move? Could
One maybe get him to hers for a diy job that could take a while? That way someone is keeping an eye on him?

Springb0ks · 05/07/2020 00:39

Just wanted to leave a little message to say I am rooting for you. You are an inspiration and I wish you all the luck in the world for this next week.

Starlightstarbright1 · 05/07/2020 00:49

I do remember your thread and want to wish you luck for Thursday

Bluetrews25 · 05/07/2020 07:55

You can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
It's good that he gave himself permission to go back on the sauce already, as otherwise he would have done it on Thurs and felt justified (wrongly) in blaming you for giving him just cause.
Funny how people decide they aren't an alcoholic / alcohol dependent any more and can therefore start drinking again. My MIL was like this. My late MIL who died of cirrhosis, that is.

Isisizzie · 05/07/2020 08:02

Good luck for Thursday.
Just a thought he hasn’t got your location on his phone has he? So he can’t find you when you go. Xx

EmergencyPractitioner · 05/07/2020 09:03

What would actually happen if you just said the truth - "Deluded DH" I have had enough. I don't love you, The marriage is over.

Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 05/07/2020 10:27

Morning everyone x thank you for your messages x last night I really thought about actually just telling him I am leaving, like you say @EmergencyPractitioner , because I am so tired of the charade. But then I remember that with drinking comes mood swings and , obviously he can be perfect and lovely , but others he is low and angry and spiteful and he has in the past crossed the line into physical Ness. Now he has not done that for about 3 and half years but of he is faced with losing everything , that makes him a desperate man with not a lot to lose and I don't want to be here when he realises. I have a telephone consult with a solicitor tomorrow finally just to check everything I am doing is permissible and sound. A PP said to ask one of my sister's to distract DH with a DIY job to keep an eye on Thursday - that may well be the idea that works - fingers crossed.
I have also managed to write the letter that needs to be written - so I feel that is another little job done . Smile

OP posts:
Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 05/07/2020 10:29

@Isisizzie - no I don't know - how can I check that ? X

OP posts:
janaus50s · 05/07/2020 10:44

I phone .... in settings, go down to Privacy. Then to Location Services. Switch it to Off.

janaus50s · 05/07/2020 10:45

Oops, that’s on your phone.

Paradiseinportugal · 05/07/2020 11:03

[quote Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme]@Isisizzie - no I don't know - how can I check that ? X[/quote]
Turn Location Services off in your phone. I wish you the very best of luck for this week and for your future.

Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 05/07/2020 11:04

@riv - that was a great idea and I looked into the barber shop pamper and there are none opening near me - only hairdressing which would not be long enough. So along the same lines I have just booked him an hour golf /among consult lesson thing - at least that's an hour and a half he will definitely be out . So thanks for the ideas all xxxx

OP posts:
Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 05/07/2020 11:05

@Paradiseinportugal and @janaus50s thank you ; I have done that now ! Good tip thank you xxx

OP posts:
PAND0RA · 05/07/2020 11:07

The problem with asking him to go to the pub is that you won’t know how long he’s away.

Whereas if you get someone in your family to ask him to help with some DIY etc you will know he’s safely occupied. And in the event that he leaves their house early, They will call you so you get advance warning.

Then you won’t be terrified all the time that he could turn up at home.

Ideally you want him to be at their house doing DIY and then for then to suggest a couple of pints at the local / in the back garden to reward themselves. That will delay him even longer as he can’t drive home for a few hours.

It doesn’t matter about you making them an accessory, he will find out anyway later because the younger kids will tell him that your sisters helped with the move.

I’d also echo a PPs suggestion that you get more stuff out the house now under the pretence of clearing out to the charity shop. Take anything he won’t notice, like your and the kids winter clothes, toys they don’t play with much right now, spare sets of bedding and towels, anything in the loft / shed / garage if you have one.

Do your kids have younger cousins that they could “ give “ some of their toys to that they have “ outgrown “?

Anything you can do now will save time on the day. It takes much mother than you think to clear everything. It’s not the obvious stuff like clothes, it’s the things you never think of like the bathroom cabinet with all your toiletries and meds, spare bedding and towels, tools for DIY, the mounds of toys, contents of the kitchen cupboard.

I know none of these things are essential to life but they are expensive and time consuming to replace. It’s also very important for the kids to feel at home in their new house if they Have as much of their own stuff as possible.

Does your husband ever complain about the meds in teh house or too many toys everywhere ? This is a great chance to tell him that you’ve thought about what he said and realised he’s right and that you do need to clear out / get the kids to tidy their bedrooms.

Remember that on leaving day you need to take mobile phones away from the younger kids, In case they phone their dad / he phones them and they blurt it out.

PAND0RA · 05/07/2020 11:09

Sorry for the typos BTW, must preview better.

growinggreyer · 05/07/2020 11:15

Even if he doesn't go out on the day, you can still drop the children to a friend's house for a playdate if they are not in school that day and then return with your sisters and your parents. If he is confronted with a number of determined adults there is nothing he can do. Ife he starts shouting then call the Police. Does he want to be arguing in Court that he has turned over a new leaf with another arrest on his sheet? Be brave, you are not a prisoner and you have the right to leave and to take your possessions with you. Fingers are crossed for you Flowers

KATismyusername · 05/07/2020 11:24

I remember your other threads and have just read this all.
I just wanted to say that you are amazing. You are doing the right thing for your whole family.
I hope everything goes smoothly for you on Thursday.
Just think this time next week you will be in your own home and not having to pander to this dickheads moods or addictions.