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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Secret planning to leave DH - days to go .

929 replies

Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 03/07/2020 15:34

Hi there - previous thread started with DH AWOL , arrested for drink driving . Final straw for me in out marriage , planning to leave in secret on Thursday. 6 days to go . Feeling shit about everything - pain the kids will have to go through , pain and upset his family and him . Wishing he was a reasonable person enough that we could separate amicably. Wishing I could predict which way this is going to go- hating the double life I am currently leading .Sad started this thread just for the hand holding whilst the proverbial hits the fan over the next 7 days !

OP posts:
redcarbluecar · 09/07/2020 05:06

Hope all goes well.

zigzagbetty · 09/07/2020 05:31

Good luck for today, hope all goes well Flowers

fairydustandpixies · 09/07/2020 05:41

Good luck today OP. You're so much braver and stronger than you realise. We're all rooting for you!

isitspringyet23 · 09/07/2020 05:42

Good luck today xx

KTB19 · 09/07/2020 05:51

But what happens in the case of domestic violence where someone is being physically and mentally abused? Do you work through it and stand by those vows then?

I think not.

ColdToesHere · 09/07/2020 05:54

Piss off @Alisonjabub
Worry about your own life.

Best of luck today @Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme

Coffeecak3 · 09/07/2020 05:59

@Alisonjabub. Reading the full thread I think the OP has previously made huge efforts to work things out.
Do you have any idea of the effects of an alcoholic parent on children?
My dm is 85 and her alcoholic df died when I was 2, however my dm’s behaviour due to her chaotic upbringing has impacted on my whole life.

DorothyHarris · 09/07/2020 06:05

Hope all goes well OP xx

backseatcookers · 09/07/2020 06:11

Good luck today OP.

Oh and @Alisonjabub what OP is doing is putting her children first so they aren't living with an alcoholic parent who drives drunk and causes ongoing upset, tension and sets a terrible example for them.

OP is putting aside the fear and guilt of leaving an addict so that her children can be safe and happy. She might have made vows to her husband while he certainly hasn't loved and cherished her. And the unspoken vow of a parent to protect their children should be priority regardless.

She is in fact being thoroughly 'decent' and I only hope you haven't read her other threads and have only skim read this one, and that's the reason for your ridiculously simplistic and judgemental reply.

FourDecades · 09/07/2020 06:15

@Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme thinking of you today.

This is 100% the right decision and way forward for all of you... including your STBXH. It might be the wake up call he needs to gain control over his life.

TwilightPeace · 09/07/2020 06:16

Guess we'll have to agree to disagree on the meaning of marriage then. Its not just a 'relationship', assuming they took vows.

Vows are just words! Look at his behaviour towards her ffs. Why should she stay in something that is having such a detrimental effect on her and the DCs?

TwilightPeace · 09/07/2020 06:16

Good luck OP, I’m thinking of you today and hand-holding if you need it.

PopsicleHustler · 09/07/2020 06:22

Cant you just come home with your sister and friend,after dropping off little dog, to collect your stuff and say you're having a clear out and storing it at your sisters, some to give to charity, some to do a car boot with. Forget the washing machine. Load it all up supermarket sweep style, lol and leg it !!!!!

Tini17 · 09/07/2020 06:24

Good luck OP, thinking of you today and keeping my fingers crossed x

Whatisgoingdown · 09/07/2020 06:24

Good luck today 🤞

MargotMoon · 09/07/2020 06:36

@Alisonjabub

Guess we'll have to agree to disagree on the meaning of marriage then. Its not just a 'relationship', assuming they took vows.

Why should she keep her vows if he hasn't kept his? He has hit her, is an alcoholic and is a danger to her and her children. If you are living a life like this you need support to get out, not judgment.

Best of luck today @Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme
I know this sounds drastic but if he won't go to the golf lesson you could suggest he goes to the pub??

strawberriesunited · 09/07/2020 06:37

Best of luck today OP Thanks

katmarie · 09/07/2020 06:41

Delurking to say good luck today op, will be thinking of you.

Lysianthus · 09/07/2020 06:43

Been following this since the drink driving, I’m so in awe of you, I hope everything goes smoothly today, best of luck 💐

DaffodilsAndDandelions · 09/07/2020 06:52

Good luck OP, reading your threads is giving me the courage to one day do the same. Please do tell the police so they can drive by more often if he won't go to golf. What a arse to be so ungrateful for a present!

MsTSwift · 09/07/2020 06:55

Coffee is right. My great grandmother who died long before I was born had an alcoholic father and it affected her and how she raised my grandmother (fear of alcohol) and then my mother. So this behaviour by a man in flipping Jane Austen’s time reverberates down the generations. Children are damaged by this

BertNErnie · 09/07/2020 06:56

Good luck today x

Fooshufflewickbannanapants · 09/07/2020 07:00

Good luck, you'll get through this. You have shown how strong you are. 🤞🏻

Apparentlystillchilled · 09/07/2020 07:02

Good luck today. You are amazing. Thinking of you all. X

LunaNorth · 09/07/2020 07:02

Delurking to say I’m rooting for you, OP.