Secret planning to leave DH - days to go .

[Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme]

Hi there - previous thread started with DH AWOL , arrested for drink driving . Final straw for me in out marriage , planning to leave in secret on Thursday. 6 days to go . Feeling shit about everything - pain the kids will have to go through , pain and upset his family and him . Wishing he was a reasonable person enough that we could separate amicably. Wishing I could predict which way this is going to go- hating the double life I am currently leading . started this thread just for the hand holding whilst the proverbial hits the fan over the next 7 days !

OP, I am sat here rooting for you and your move.

My only advice is practical, as an ounce of practicality is better than a pound of pity. Set up a box with tea, coffee, milk, bottle of wine, loo roll, biscuits, mugs, teaspoons and the flyer for the local pizza parlour.

Make the beds when you get there and then breathe. You have got this. All the very best for your future.

Nearly there OP. As a practical measure have you got all your financial paperwork / birth and marriage certificates / passports in one place so you can grab before you leave. If you need to file for divorce or claim for child maintenance you will need these. Have you or the kids got any electronic devices / charger cables/ games consoles that you need to remember to take. I would make a mental list now or a list in a phone app of things that you need to take with you.
Also have you thought about a post redirection to safeguard any post from being delivered for you after you leave. What about arranging internet / utilities In the new house. One step at a time. You can do this.

Best of luck OP, what a horrible situation to be in. You’re doing the absolute best for yourself and your children.

Hi OP - really wishing you good luck for your move.
One thing though - I think you should reconsider not telling your 17 year old before the move. If his room is anything like my boys rooms were at that age it will be full of obscure ‘stuff’. I would had had no idea what ‘stuff’ would have been important to them - so much of it looked like junk to me. 😁
If you tell him now he doesn’t have to keep the secret for very long and he can rearrange things in his room into a ‘must take’ area. No need for an explanation to your H as he is just sorting out his room.
Please do rethink this.
Hugs whatever you decide. 💐

Just all the best - I unexpectedly was given a place in a refuge organised by the solicitor I saw for the same evening - from getting home from work to the ex getting in was 45 mins and then 15 mins between him going out and van arriving - black bags of clothing binned into kids‘ wardrobes, marriage cert found , then him falling asleep and me ‘accidentally‘ waking him and suggesting he didn’t go out to be ‘normal’, kids were little and lift broke so I’m bouncing a huge twin buggy down the steps praying his mother didn’t look out from her flat - it was Adrenalin inducing but a ‘story’ now - I knew the next morning it was the right decision as the best night’s sleep for ages despite sharing a room with another family and all the rest. I didn’t leave a note as I’d told him anything else like that and I was going, week later ‘that’ again so to me it was clear if not expected it would happen - it was not one bit clear to him at all and his mother phoned the police for a safe check - luckily for them, my sister in law decided loyalties ultimately lay with her family and told them everything- I had to move on but still worth it. The solicitor advised me to try and pack some bits, but ultimately said main thing was not to forget the kids! But this is true, and all you really need - good luck.

Been rooting for you for a while OP and finally I can contribute something useful... Adult clothes on hangers, you can roll up 8 items still on the hanger and into a black sack before it gets too heavy/unwieldy.

Best of luck, shall be refreshing like anything on Thursday!

You are so strong. Lots of people here willing you on.

I saw your initial thread and just caught up. It's taken me back to when I had a thread on here just like yours. I left one day when he was at work and DS was at school. It was the scariest but best day of my life. I worried so so much how my DS would react but he amazed me how okay he was. I was okay, so he was too. Simple as that. That night we shared a blow up camp bed in an empty house. All I'd taken was clothes and toys and I still sat there that night smiling.

You've got this. Staying a bit numb is good for now. You'd be surprised how much he's watching you. I was nearly rumbled before I left. It's a dangerous time so stay vague and calm. Good luck.

Lurked on both threads but have to say I am in awe of your strength and the love you have for your children. You are saving them from miserable years ahead and you are saving yourself in everyway possible. You are amazing

48 hours you’ll be free you can finally think in hours now we’ll done huge hugs prayers for Thursday hugs.

I do hope it goes well on Thursday OP

I'd say (if poss without him knowing) pack an overnight bag with the essentials in plus docs etc, it means

a) if something means he comes back early you can grab and go (presuming you have some kind of notice of his return)

b) you don't have to find PJs, toothbrushes etc for that first night, it's all there.

We should write the book:

How to Flee: for Abused but Organised Mums Everywhere!

Hello OP. I have been lurking on your threads. When I was 8 my DM, DS (13) and DB (17) had to do exactly what you are doing. We.left with very little clothing or personal things but it didn't matter. We were safe. We had no carpets for 2 years and very little money but it didn't matters. Please be safe and wishing you all the luck in the world.

@Speakingofdinosaurs - it's a good point. Ds1 17 is an apprentice carpenter and so he has been living with his dad for 5 weeks to shield dh. He has most of his everyday stuff with him but it is a very very good idea that he pops in to get a few bits tomorrow night , but actually just rearggages stuff so I can easily grab it . Who knows what stuff is precious to teen-agers??!!

@TARSCOUT hi - and thank you for sharing that XX glad you were ok - hope ur mum sister and brother were all ok xx thank you for sharing x thanks everyone - can't sleep so have just arranged for shopping to be delivered so for first few days we are sorted for supplies 😃
I think I have thought of everything then I remember something else , type on my phone list ... there is just so much going on !!! Nearly there xx thanks so much everyone - it helps me so so much reading everyone's support thank u ❤️

Do you have anything sentimental like pictures? Also have you thought about setting up new phone numbers/emails incase he tries to hack your email or social media?

Wow best of luck OP, you are so strong, your kids will thank you for it later x

Just think you can say tomorrow’s the day the day when you read this, hugs and thinking of you,.

Good luck! Xx

@Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme
Just a couple of ideas. I know my dh likes a pint after golf at times so if you can find a way to say something like "let me know if you're going to be late, if you pop by a pub or something" and it may subconsciously make him think (although you may feel thats you pushing him)
Also, as you and pp mentioned locations services, make sure the kids phones have this switched off, too! If he is able to track them, that is.

Morning all XX thank you -all for the practical stuff too - I have set up everything and changed security on everything I can without arousinh suspicion . Some things like redirection I can't until we go . I also can't give my landlord notice. The solicitor recommended I pay have the back rent that is owed and half what I am liable in the notice period (an extra 2000 ! ) on exchange for taking name off tenancy contract. Bit I cannot so that til tomorrow obvs x so all set on that front . I simply won't have time to take anything very sentimental but have managed to squirrel away some old photos and things , just a small box , a couple of my Nan's plants and pictures but that's about it . Am hoping he doesn't go nuts and set fire to everything out of spite .
Thanks xx fingers crossed the rain stops tomorrow xx @User43210 - great idea !!! Will see what mood he is in tomorrow and hopefully can gently throw that in there ! X if he is in the right mood he will , as he will be sociable , wrong mood he won't. Or worse , won't go as it's a suprise and he won't be ready xx fingers crossed xxx

If he decides to not go you could always have a backup as people have mentioned “oh great, actually, my sister was hoping you could help fix the washing machine so if you’re actually not doing the lesson could you possibly do that at some point today” or something so he kinda has two options but hopefully doesn’t click that you seem to be trying to get him out the house. Maybe have one of your helpers know that you’ll send a text every so often so if he does become suspicious and gets angry, they know to pop round for a casual “hi how you doing” and some support if needed. Hope all goes well!!! Xx

Good luck for the next two days 🤞 hope everything goes well and he stays away long enough to get all your important things. My dsis had to go back with the police to collect sentimental items and the kids furniture as her ex wouldn't let her back in. Funnily enough he didn't say a word when the big copper was there

How exciting for you op- you'll be free tomorrow! If i were you as soon as he leaves for his golf i would grab some bin bags and just chuck everything into them. If he's not in the house you don't need to worry about squirrelling, just do a supermarket sweep on all the stuff!

Haha yes supermarket sweep is exactly what I am going for !! I have a plan to the minute for tomorrow - but am leaving for work as normal , normal time . Taking dog with me under the guise that he is having a dental ( I am a vet nurse so it's very plausible) but actually taking him to my sisters for a mini break ! . I will e lurking around the corner waiting for him to leave at 210 ish , then we all pile in to supermarket sweep