Secret planning to leave DH - days to go .

[Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme]

Hi there - previous thread started with DH AWOL , arrested for drink driving . Final straw for me in out marriage , planning to leave in secret on Thursday. 6 days to go . Feeling shit about everything - pain the kids will have to go through , pain and upset his family and him . Wishing he was a reasonable person enough that we could separate amicably. Wishing I could predict which way this is going to go- hating the double life I am currently leading . started this thread just for the hand holding whilst the proverbial hits the fan over the next 7 days !

1.5 hours isn’t very long to tell the kids, deal with their questions and pack up an entire house. I’d see if you can extend it by getting one of your Male relatives to, by huge coincidence, bump into him at the good course / range and take him for a drink in the bar afterwards.

You need someone with him to warn you when he leaves. You don’t want him turning up unexpectedly and causing a huge scene in front of the children.

Your current plan isn’t robust enough, sorry.

Helping a family member with DIY is much more reliable and can take longer. Also it can be an “emergency” - washing machine has started to make a funny noise / power has gone off in the house / leaking pipe/ blocked sink / toilet won’t fill .

Not hard to arrange.

Hugs 2 days to go, I so remember feeling like you, not believing it was happening, you’ll be fine, as others have said get the Police in if he kicks off.

Might it be a good idea to have a trusted family member/ friend take the kids out of the way until you have moved. Do you have a van and some helpers all ready to get you moved. I dont know how much you have to pack and to move but 1.5 hours doesn't give you a big window of time. Thinking of you OP. Two more sleeps and your new life starts. The numb feeling will pass, it will allow you to keep it together until this is over. I promise that you will feel better once this is over and you don't have to keep up what must be an exhausting charade of normality.

Golf is a great idea. Hope it all goes well for you. Good luck

If you could include a lunch deal /anything inside with the golf that would keep him longer and mean he is more likely to go in bad weather too

I left in secret 3 years ago. My ex was abusive, but not alcoholic (although that may have changed now, not my problem).

You may need more time than you think. I had a couple of helpers and a van, and still took all day to move stuff out while he was at work. And I had to leave all my books behind, I simply ran out of time.

My anxiety on the day was through the roof, but I managed to keep everything calm for the DC. My oldest was 17 at the time, and a real help. She can keep secrets and wanted out, too.

I reckon your 17 year old will be a great help. I recall something in your previous thread about him not getting on great with your H? He'll keep things quiet, then.

I left a letter, for all the good it did. He denied each and every point. He told everyone he didn't know why I left (they were pretty much all on my side, he hasn't made any friends with his behaviour) so my dad asked me to send one letter detailing exactly why, to shut him up. Didn't work, he denied everything again.

And now I have a better life, he doesn't know where we live, and we are in the same town, and the DC and I are flourishing. I may even begin dating soon.

Despite the crap around the time of leaving, it was all worth it. You can do this and it will be worth it for you, too.

@BitOfANameChange I left a letter trying to explain my reasons - and give his children's new address - and I may as well not have bothered (apart from the address, which my solicitor advised me to give him).

The letter got mislaid when my plans went awry and I had to get a friend to post it through his door the next day, so there were a few hrs when he had NO idea what had happened. Of course he's played a lot on that over the years since then!

Apparently the fact that he'd repeatedly threatened to leave us "tomorrow" (leading to me begging and pleading until I wished up to his empty words and realised the only one who was going to change the status quo was me) was irrelevant.

*wised up to

[quote NCsonoOuting]@BitOfANameChange I left a letter trying to explain my reasons - and give his children's new address - and I may as well not have bothered (apart from the address, which my solicitor advised me to give him).

The letter got mislaid when my plans went awry and I had to get a friend to post it through his door the next day, so there were a few hrs when he had NO idea what had happened. Of course he's played a lot on that over the years since then!

Apparently the fact that he'd repeatedly threatened to leave us "tomorrow" (leading to me begging and pleading until I wished up to his empty words and realised the only one who was going to change the status quo was me) was irrelevant.[/quote]
Trouble is, you get so many well-meaning but clueless people saying you have to be decent and tell them why, even though you know damn well nothing is going to penetrate their belief that they are the innocent party. My ex has never accepted any blame for anything. He's been the hard done by person, someone or something else is always to blame.

Op. I saw the thread and then when I looked again I couldn't find it. Just popping by to say You've got this and we're all routing for you. 3 sleeps to go. 💐

The best of luck with the move👍

Just found this thread and it seems like you have everything ready to leave. I hope it goes well on Thursday.

Hope the weather is good for Thursday! You're nearly there.

Good luck with the move! Today and tomorrow could you start emptying some drawers into black sacks for ‘charity shops’ stuff that the kids won’t maybe notice and you can take to the charity bins Wednesday (the new house when you have the keys) so that when you tell the kids all they have to do is grab what’s left in their wardrobes etc. Kids may be abit upset at first and In shock and that can chip into your 1.5 hour Time slot, all the best, you must be scared but your doing the best thing for you and your kids and his trip to get wine proves it xxx

Very Best Wishes Stay Strong.

Wishing you good luck and happiness from Thursday

Good luck OP.
I agree with PP you might be short on time. I think you need a planned smash and grab approach. For clothes I’d recommend dumping entire drawers into bin bags. Get elastic bands to hold clothes on hangers together and don’t bother packing. Properly. Literally just grab and go. If 17yo can do their own I’d assign a person each to the younger ones and one person to be with you master minding. Please don’t underestimate how exhausting this will be for you on the day. Take care of yourself.
I’d also recommend a walk round thinking about what to take in each room. If possible make a list of essentials (clothes for kids, passports etc) and give to your helpers on the day.
Wishing you well. X

It may be less stressful for you and the kids if someone took them out somewhere (park or for something to eat??) while you get what you can out of the house. Once you're at the new house you can have them brought to you and then tell them what's going on. It would also prevent them from witnessing any nastiness if he does come home early.

Good luck!

Good luck OP! Drink and coke after everything that happened.. ! You are doing the right thing

You're doing great OP.

Best to have the kids elsewhere as you are going to feel all sorts and he might come home early with an upset tummy, lost his wallet all sorts!

Hi everyone x just for the record , the DC's are NOT going to be there - they are a friend's house till all the move is done and then I will go collect them before dh finishes golf. And talk to them then .
I cannot sneak anything out the house as I will run the risk of him noticing and or guessing and no I have absolutely no idea how he will react - I am going worst case scenario at the moment. I am hoping an hour and a half will be enough as it will literally be a case of everything form drawer contents in bags and go - the only furniture I am taking is the washing machine . Everything else is toys and clothes . It's bare minimum . And thank you all for your suggestions - going to try and make him stay out for as long as I can - believe me !
I am not enjoying this at all - it's all very very stressful !!!

@Mydog I think you are incredibly brave and will be thinking of you on Thursday x

Thank you all for your amazing suggestions - rubber band s on clothes hangers are a great idea ! (Thanks @onekidnoclue!l) thank you all + I have a list fingers crossed xx

I'm so pleased the kids aren't going to be there - you've done a brilliant job of planning this!

I lurked on your other thread op, I just wanted to say I'm really rooting for you. Sending you so much luck for thursday 🍀