Dating Thread 191 - Daters Gonna Date

[JeSuisPrest]

Props to @HairyArsedMan for the thread title - hopefully we'll be able to start dating again normally soon - grabbing a coffee, drink, dinner whatever. I wonder how many hours walking around parks, we've racked up on the last couple of threads.

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@Mixedandproud, of course you can!

I think @Bunkbedpeople nailed it there. Benefits without friends.

I'm a bit confused by the amount of posts we have had from married people recently to join the thread. Dating isn't a spectator sport for the amusement of others. This shit is real and hard and sometimes painful and even desperate. It has helped to remind me that whilst this feels like a safe and supportive haven it is actually an open forum on the internet.

@MummyGoingItAlone
Loving this update!

I have taken the weekend to lick my wounds.
I need to accept that Mr W is unavailable right now. Which is difficult as he shows all the signs of being interested, but realistically I think I am just a distraction for him right now.

I need to take a big step away from him. We message and chat every day and have continued to over the weekend.
Should I explain to him why I am taking a step back? I mean, I won't ghost him or anything but think our chats and the amount of messaging needs to reduce drastically.
I don't want him to feel like I'm giving him an ultimatum, as I'm not, I just need to back away for my own sanity.

@Notcoolmum Absolutely agree with you. It makes me uncomfortable, like we're in a goldfish bowl for the entertainment of others. I wouldn't dream of going on an alcohol support thread and saying "I don't have a drink problem, but I love seeing how you're all getting on, it gives me a warm fuzzy feeling" 🙄

The marrieds stating they are "cheering from the sidelines" makes me feel pitied tbh 🤷‍♀️.

@30somethingandstillsingle I think you need to be clear what dialling it down means for you. Do you want to keep chatting? If so what do you want to get out of it? I would delete the chat and his number. Then you can't contact him. He has to get in touch with you. And don't tell him you are doing that. He hasn't earned the right to your thoughts.

Thanks @JeSuisPrest I was nervous of posting my thoughts in case i was a lone voice. I don't think you can understand how it feels to be dating unless you have experienced it recently.

@Notcoolmum

I think *@Bunkbedpeople* nailed it there. Benefits without friends.

I'm a bit confused by the amount of posts we have had from married people recently to join the thread. Dating isn't a spectator sport for the amusement of others. This shit is real and hard and sometimes painful and even desperate. It has helped to remind me that whilst this feels like a safe and supportive haven it is actually an open forum on the internet.

I totally agree with this and felt a bit uncomfortable when I read the first post about living vicariously. Ideally, I would have chosen someone who it would have worked out with the first time round. I'm not happy to be in this situation but am making the best of it. If you want to learn about the shit that is dating, talk to some single friends. Or find some then talk to them.

Well Mr Surprises has been on the text first thing this morning to ask how I am and what I’m up to. So I’m feeling much better about that 😊

Great update mummygoingitalone

I agree with you too @Notcoolmum I have been reading a little bit in the last few days and surprising how many non regulars had chipped in to share their opinion on particular issues.

I would ask those people and those who want to sit around and listen from the sidelines if you would barge into a group of people having a conversation about dating in a pub or would you ask if you can draw up a chair so you can listen to their conversation? Suspect not so have the same courtesy here please.

I know this is a public forum but we don't paste here to be people's entertainment.

My first thought about the spectators was 'meh, anyone can read anyway' then I thought why would they want to, and now I think that sometimes I spill out all my feelings and for those of you who get it and understand then great, but why would a spectator want to know my feelings.

I'm not over ring gate.

I have a date with Mr Beach Hut tomorrow evening. We had a really good open chat about wants and expectation on Saturday, so looking forward to it.

Mr NewHouse hasn't been on WhatsApp since Saturday evening when I said I'm looking to meet not endless chatting, well he's done me a favour by not even replying. He's counted himself out.

@MummyGoingItAlone yeay for Mr Surprises!!

Enjoy

Thanks all. Been texting all morning. It’s got quite deep actually. It’s feeling good but I’ll grounded

[quote Notcoolmum]@30somethingandstillsingle I think you need to be clear what dialling it down means for you. Do you want to keep chatting? If so what do you want to get out of it? I would delete the chat and his number. Then you can't contact him. He has to get in touch with you. And don't tell him you are doing that. He hasn't earned the right to your thoughts. [/quote]
I guess I should stop chatting completely, I like our chats though but I don't want to be just a distraction. If I delete his number and didn't tel him he would still be in touch as he messages and calls loads. I don't want to block him as he hasn't done anything wrong really, he's been very honest.
I think I need to tell him I need to take a step back. I do think he will respect that.

In other news, Mr Yo-yo has been radio silent for a few days. I think I can write him off.

A new iron, Mr Engineer wants to meet this week. I'm hesitant, I'm not sure why.

If anyone remembers the issues I had with a potential iron from a few threads ago. Just received a message from a guy who got my number from tinder. Saying I'm arrogant, picky, a time waster, ugly, rasist etc. He said my number and picture has been put up as a rasist and a time waster.
I presume he means on tinder, not sure where else he could mean. Think I might be seeing if Tinder can investigate but I don't have an account with them at the moment.

Morning everyone...

A couple of people have posted about irons just messaging and not wanting to meet. If my experience is anything to go by then stop the messaging. I still miss our daily chats but he was never going to meet me and was unavailable so has done me a favour I suppose. A lesson learnt...the harsh way. I wish I had stopped it but that's probably my pride talking.

I've still not heard from my iron now in 9 days. I have been tempted to reach out but I screenshotted all the messages on here and just read them if I'm tempted 🙂

I've had a few chats with others,one seems lovely and keen but I'm not sure if I fancy him. He's showing me though it shouldn't be as difficult as it was previously.

I'm not really posting much at the moment for reasons of my own. But I'm popping in to say totally agree re the smug marrieds vicarious "enjoyment". It's not that much fun dating or being single. Try lockdown on your own.. And yes thanks for your pity but please fuck off. If you haven't dated you can't offer advice or empathy. You can just watch us like a spectator sport and go off relieved you've got your partner.

Apologies to daters/regulars for grumpy post after a long silence but really... I'm about to move house finally and finding it harder emotionally than expected. Plus day 5 of migraine being kept at bay with meds but still feel rough.

I have been dating but I've given up. Still swiping but I'm following I think Windmills way of not meeting anyone unless I really think there's something i it. I had 3 dates post lockdown proper because why not? You never know... but it's too upsetting sending the no thanks text. And horrible for them. So I'm not meeting anyone for now.

And @EchoElephant please don't settle. You're already meh. I've done that. Tried and tried to like someone because they were nice etc and I didn't want to hurt them but it just prolonged the moment before the horrible dumping text. I know there's no one out there for our age group but the sex has to be good at least if you're settling.

Hi I have joined OLD for the first time last week since ending my 20 year marriage last year. Had quite a few messages but only one I really interested in. He has suggested meeting up this week for a drink. Is this too soon? Although I've read meet soon so you don't waste loads of time messaging! To comply with the rules I name him Mr First.

@Dancerinthemoonlight I remember your trouble with that date, I'm so sorry he's continued his harassment of you. I hope Tinder can help you.

I'm completely with the previous posters who said this thread isn't here for "boring" married entertainment. While it's a public forum it's really crass to come along and basically use our lives for your entertainment or to reinforce your appreciation for your marriage 

Actually puts me off posting here.

Well said @unambiguousbeard

@seperatedmummy definitely not. As long as you arrange a safe space to meet, I like to get it done ASAP. I've wasted too much time messaging only to find there is no spark. If an iron makes excuses for meeting I actually bin them. I'm here to date not chat on WhatsApp

@Dancerinthemoonlight that's awful. Can you ask the person who contacted you where they found your details? Something happened to someone I know and the blokes that messaged her were actually very helpful and shared how they had found her information.

@Dancerinthemoonlight, that sounds really horrible. Do you think it's just the same iron but using a different number ? if you add as a contact does he have a whatsapp pic ? I have had one or two incidents in the past like this after giving out my number and it's not nice. There are some sad individuals in the world if they go to this trouble just to unnerve someone.
@seperatedmummy, I think the advice to meet early is definitely the right one to follow. That way you are not overinvesting in someone before you have been able to see what they are like in IRL. It may seem a little quick but once you are there meeting him it won't feel anywhere near as daunting. And long drawn out text conversations can give a very false reality in some situations