Dating Thread 191 - Daters Gonna Date

[JeSuisPrest]

Props to @HairyArsedMan for the thread title - hopefully we'll be able to start dating again normally soon - grabbing a coffee, drink, dinner whatever. I wonder how many hours walking around parks, we've racked up on the last couple of threads.

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

hi all

I've been on and off here over the last couple of years under different names, hope all well!

I'm back on Bumble. Up popped a bloke who i dated for about 3 months a couple of years ago but REALLY liked and was very upset when he ended things due to (he said) logistics as he lived around 2 hours away and had a job with super long hours. He must be in town to see friends here.

TBH he did seem to have plenty to say about other women (not exactly sexual or anything but just indicated him being a bit over- aware of women who weren't me, to say we were in a new relationship and supposedly very attracted to one another). This made me feel i might not be able to trust him entirely but it was a bastard to get over as we really got on and was new.

I have just swiped left. Now regretting it slightly. It was the right thing to do, surely given that he dumped me? Argh.

So yesterday's date was... boring. But I got 15k steps out of it so not all was lost. The first thing I did after was to text a friend who I met as a date last year. Which, along with the responses to my last post here, got me thinking... How do you know if someone meets your 'criteria' without meeting them. You can chat to someone for ages online but until you meet them you really don't know and even when you do meet them it takes some time surely to get to know them. My friend reckons he knows straight away, its either almost love on first meeting/conversation or he writes it off. Which seemed to be similar to the message of previous responses... I.e. if you're not 80% plus then don't bother meeting. But how do you establish a decent idea of % match without at least one date? Maybe my criteria are just too fuzzy?? Attractive (to me), smart/ quick witted, passionate about music, purposeful, fit, reasonably well read, inclined to the left rather than the right and solvent. That's it really. The rest is indefinable. I'm hoping I'll know it when I see it, I guess.

Morning all. I’m still having a few niggles over Mr Surprises.
Been on 3 dates and chatting about 2 months. He initially came across as quite quiet and a bit geeky (his words!) and I liked him for his normality. My ex was very good looking and knew it, so I thought I’d try somebody less attractive. I know that sounds terrible but I hope you understand what I mean. Anyway, we met and I found him really attractive in real life and very interesting. Anyway, after the first date the chats got more and they were very flirty. We’ve met twice more since and all has been great. He cancelled a date this week due to work and we’ve rescheduled for tonight. He’s been very quiet since he cancelled so I guess we’ll see how tonight goes. I did check in with him last night and he said he’d love to see me, if he’s still invited (he’s coming to mine). I replied of course, I thought you’d cancel and he asked what gave me that impression then said he’s looking forward to it.

So after the last date (at his) we kissed. It was a bit rushed as I needed to pick up my son. He was flirty whilst at his, touching my knee etc but later said he wanted me to feel safe at his, that’s why he didn’t try anything.

So I’m on the fence. He’s either a complete gentleman (some of his texts have told me otherwise 😉) and he’s just taking things slowly or he’s losing interest. He’s just finished a work project so has some time off now so be interested to see if he offers me any of his free time.

Sorry for the long, self indulgent post! There’s more I want to say but don’t want to be a complete bore 😂

Hi everyone. I need some advice.
Last time I was here, I'd had a couple of dates with Mr Big Shirt but although he was completely smitten with me, I just wasn't feeling it about him.
So I carried on with the apps and got zero interest. In the meantime Mr Big Shirt was still keen, so we had a chat about how we both felt and agreed to keep seeing each other as we got on well. And the more I've got to know him, the more I like him. But.....

Earlier this week he came to mine for dinner and we attempted sex. But nothing happened. He couldn't get an erection at all.
A few days ago he was here and we tried again. This time he did get hard after a lot of help from me in various ways. But he is very small and his erection didn't last very long.

He just said, he was out of practice. So we haven't had an in depth discussion about it. And I don't want to embarrass him or make it into a big deal right now.

But sex is a big deal for me. And while cuddles and some foreplay is nice. It's not going to be enough.

I don't know what to do. Do I just say that it isn't working and end it? Or keep persevering and hope it will get better as he relaxes more. Although nothing can change his size.

Hi Echo, of course we dont know what he's thinking but it's not a stretch to assume there is performance anxiety as a result of his size. Of course this 'may' improve with time. I suppose it depends on how much you like him.

@EchoElephant
You werent keen on him to start with and although he might have grown on you since I think you should cut your losses and end things.

If sex is important to you then you need someone who can give you what you want, if this was a long term relationship and he had erectile difficulties you would support him but a brand new relationship is so different.

If he didnt have erectile difficulties would his penis size be enough?
I know it's not all about size but if he is a large build with a small penis the logistics are quite difficult - I've had sex with large guys with small penises and it was really difficult as their stomach got in the way, other positions didnt really help either.

@EchoElephant, I have experienced this with one of my former partners, both in terms of size and ED. We found lots of ways around it. He was very skilled in other ways. He also used Viagra prescribed by the doctor. It was actually some of the best ' all round' sex i have had. Mr Big Shirt is the person that he is and certainly the size of his penis isn't going to change. I don't think from my experience it's the whole combination of how much you are into each other. The mental and the physical combined.

Echo I've had a similar thing lately, a nice guy I'm not that hung up on who has ED. I've sort of nearly given up on sparks and 'the one' and know he is really keen so considered what to do. TBH in the end I have decided to keep meeting other people. he hasn't asked about exclusivity yet but I'm not tying myself down to a relationship without full sex from the off, harsh as it sounds. I would be fully supportive of ED in an established partner. I knew this guy previously so will keep seeing him ,for dates now and again but if it was totally new and I wasn't that keen I think I would just leave things. The thing is, you don't know if it will improve and how much time do you want to spend trying?

It should read - I think it is* the combination of all elements.

Windmillwhirl I definitely think performance anxiety is a big factor here. From what he's said, I don't think he's had sex for over 2 years. He also built it up in his head as being something very special. So I wasn't too surprised that things didn't go to plan.

SortingItOut you are spot on - he has a fairly large stomach that made things difficult.
I don't know if his penis size will be an issue. We never got to PIV.
TMI but the only way he managed to keep his erection was when I was giving him oral. I've no problem with that but it's not something I want to do every time.

I'm unsure whether to end it now or give it a bit longer and see if this improves.

Onesmallstep67 good to hear about your positive experience.
When I first met him, I focused on his physical appearance - too short, too much beer gut. Now I know him better, those things don't matter because we have a good connection mentally. I feel comfortable with him. And that is a huge thing for me because I rarely find that with someone.

@EchoElephant, from the way you speak about him now I would be saying see how it goes. If you feel relaxed with him and connect as people then surely with time the sex side of things should evolve. My ex was upfront from the start about it and it was never really an issue between us. But I do understand your dilemma. I wouldn't necessarily choose a relationship where the physical side of things was a struggle. Compatability all round is key.

So when an iron says he doesn't want to meet up until government guidelines allow us to get within touching distance, we can't use the household bubble thing due to his house sharer already bubbling, do I take that at face value?
I think it may be a touch of sexual frustration as well as general irritation that other people seem to have given up social distancing in their social lives?
On the other hand I have respect for him being law abiding and can see that this shows a healthy attitude to rules, and presumably my boundaries.
There's just a niggle that he's playing me as a pen pal... We've met up once pre lockdown and have discussed we're looking for more of a fwb than love forever. We just didn't get an opportunity yet for perfectly valid reasons.
Gah! I don't want him to want to break the law, because that would worry me applied to any other area of life (eg driving drunk)
I just have to suck it up don't I?

Have followed this thread for a while.
20 year marriage ended in 2018 after stbeh had an affair and albeit destroyed me with his lying and disrespect.
Spent a year on my own to recover, had councelling, felt better about myself again and started old last September. Went on a couple of dates where one of us didn't feel attracted to the other but nice enough men and no issues. Started dating a guy in November and all was going well until lockdown when we didn't see each other for 3 months. Have since seen each other but sadly what we had has gone and we have agreed to part company on good terms. We had lots of good times, he made me feel like a woman again and it was fun.
I feel like I want to get straight back online, is that wrong? I'm 50 so no spring chicken and I know it's harder the older you get. I guess I also want to get a bit of life back after being at home for so long with either just my own company or that if my DC.

Echo I think the sex would be a issue for me too as it’s probably the thing I won’t most right now (over all the other relationship stuff) and I really enjoy sex. I guess it’s early days, Mr snake has a few issues but I think most is nerves, first time was a total disaster, 2nd time was much better but not ideal. I think for some guys if they have been single a long time and relying on DIY and/or porn it can cause issues, also medication can cause issues (anti depressants?). I do feel sorry for men as it’s much harder to preform then us laddies. I would give him a chance and see if things get better.

Sex is an issue for me too, if there is nothing much else on offer except trying to arouse him for PIV. I feel sorry for men too and am really understanding but there are plenty of other things to do than just PIV, if they don’t have the confidence or knowledge of that either then you have to be prepared to start from scratch and it can be really frustrating

@Originallymeonly

I think you need to decide if it’s worth holding on for! I would be annoyed at no meeting up at all, you can go for a walk FGS... it doesn’t all have to be all or nothing does it? Are you still dating OLD? I would not put all my eggs in his basket to be honest

@Menora he has said that he doesn't think he'd be able to stay away from me on a walk which is really flattering in a way as well as really frustrating. The last time we met we kissed a bit and the chemistry was sizzling so I can see the logic.
The other issue is that with singlehandedly homeschooling a child who normally has a specialist TA arms length all day at school whilst simultaneously carrying on working, I haven't got the brainspace for OLD.

@MummyGoingItAlone I think your last sentence is key, without pushing, does he give you more of his time? There's been a few on here who've realised their irons have them way down the priority list, certainly not matching their own impression of how important the relationship is.

@Originallymeonly yes, I’d say he gives me time. He works in some kind of consultancy and his current project has ended this week so I can hope that he has just been really busy tying that up. We’ve met 3 other times without issue, the last time at his house for lunch as he was working and wanted to see me. I was there over 2 hours and he never once made me feel that I was in the way. I only left as had to pick up my son.

He’s suggested Wednesday next week to go and do something fun, so we’ll see. I’m looking forward to seeing him tonight and I’ll update later on 😊

@Originallymeonly I'd be really insulted that he didn't want to spend time with me unless he could touch me. How does him saying that make you feel?

@notcoolmum on the one hand, it's nice to feel he desires me so much he doesn't think he could stop himself breaching social distancing, on the other hand it's bloody ridiculous that he won't meet up.
So I'm 50/50, hence my posting to see what you wise lot think.

@EchoElephant only you know, but I will say this from someone that did settle once. Don't settle, just don't.

Hi @VivaVegas

No chats from irons today. Probably a good thing. DD1 pretty much demanded my rings from me today so she could have them turned into 'positive' jewellery for her and DD2. I got angry and then cried. She has no idea how it made me feel. Yes my marriage is done and I'm not wanting to go back but it was 14 years and she wants to dismantle MY rings before I'm even officially divorced. I did talk to ExH about it, thankfully he got it and said he'd talk to her. Thing is DD and I had spoken about it and I'm not against it but it was a theoretical future thing... now she wants to do it before her 21st in October.

@Originallymeonly

It seems a bit to me - I think that’s my issue with fwb style situations - I don’t want to marry the bloke ffs

But equally I find it a bit cold and unpleasant and dehumanising to get the vibe of “I’ll see you if there’s immediate convenient sex offered otherwise I can’t be bothered”. Benefits but no friends!

Can you “bench” him and meet others?

Well a quick update on Mr Surprises as I cannot sleep. Had an awesome night! We had a bottle of wine and half watched a film/half chatted. Then there was some kissing and he teased me a bit before saying he should go as it’s late. I persuaded him otherwise and the surprises just kept on coming! He was incredible in bed. Easily the best I’ve ever had. I genuinely didn’t expect much at all but I guess that’s why he is Mr Surprises.

So now it’s the bit I dislike. Waiting to see if he comes back!