Dating Thread 191 - Daters Gonna Date

[JeSuisPrest]

Props to @HairyArsedMan for the thread title - hopefully we'll be able to start dating again normally soon - grabbing a coffee, drink, dinner whatever. I wonder how many hours walking around parks, we've racked up on the last couple of threads.

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

I don’t think he had good experiences with his ex wife their marriage sounded stressful in many ways so it’s understandable that he needs some time and I am the first women after his wife

@Onesmallstep67 something you said upthread has been at the back of my mind since you posted
I find telling people that I'm not interested in them or it's over really difficult. I am still vaguely giving my last proper ex mixed messages because he would like to resume things. I don't want to hurt his feelings, it boosts my ego a little that I made that impact on him and I probably like the vague back up plan element to him being there. I think we're all capable of being self centred and egocentric when it comes to relationships.

I have my date with Mr Posh today and I’m fairly sure I won’t pursue things with him after-unless he really wows me-because I’ve had a few niggles about him but I’ve been afraid to hurt his feelings and we have created that false intimacy through chatting too long throughout lockdown. I feel guilty today because I’ve made him a kind of back up plan ...but at the same time I’ve never met him he could be doing the same thing we know very little about each other really.

I’m having a serious wobble and also so nervous about the date! I’m really good at self sabotage too
In the background is Mr BlueEyes who has been chatting more, seems to really like me, loads in common, no worrying sexual kinks (that’s he’s divulged anyway😂) amazing blue eyes- I could go on but he’s properly turned my head... hence the guilt for still meeting Mr Posh and not telling Mr Blueeyes about it and not really feeling it anymore as much with Mr Posh ....I’m a mess of nerves and emotions today and really doubting my ability to do this OLD lark and keep my sanity

That was so long sorry!

@dancerinthemoonlight
Yes I'd be open to a second date with Mr Yo-yo, but I can't imagine his life is going to get any less busier, I don't think I will ever be a priority.

I've told Mr W I would like a second date, i was quite clear with that.
Feeling a bit despondent today, may turn my phone off for the rest of the day and try and not think about OLD/irons.

@dancerinthemoonlight
Yes I'd be open to a second date with Mr Yo-yo, but I can't imagine his life is going to get any less busier, I don't think I will ever be a priority.

I've told Mr W I would like a second date, i was quite clear with that.
Feeling a bit despondent today, may turn my phone off for the rest of the day and try and not think about OLD/irons.

And yes, going to re read the rules!

@30somethingandstillsingle you have done all you can really with Mr W. The ball is in his court and if he isn't going to act on it then I think you need to take a step back from him and who else is out there as you now firmly know what you want.

For date night on Tuesday with Mr Smile I'm thinking of doing an escape room as it seems like my local ones are open. Think it will be fun to see his problem solving skills etc. Would suggesting a bite to eat be too much to do aswell? Maybe more of a casual place like a pub than a restaurant. We can't really decide on the day now as I usually would as everywhere is getting booked because of covid

@Dancerinthemoonlight

That sounds fine to me - pub is relaxed environment and you’ll want to eat and drink and chat.

Hi. First time poster on here. Decided to join a dating site and got talking to someone, have done for a few weeks and hoped to meet today. They backed out and said they aren't ready to date yet. I can't help but feel deflated which I am sure is perfectly normal!

I am a single parent and I find many don't want to meet somebody with children. Please somebody give me a bit of perspective here!

@user1019273703 it’s not you it’s them.
I have 3 children and have had no problem finding men to chat to and meet who have no issue with that.
They aren’t ready to date, you are so move on and try not to give it more headspace.

Thanks @ZoZoBo I needed to hear that today.

@Menora I would have to say something former wise it would become the elephant in the room. I did with Mr S although his issue was death grip which was grim. But we talked it through and he went to the drs to check there was no medical issue. When we first spoke about it he was embarrassed and ready to run away but I explained it wasn't a deal breaker for me, just something I needed to understand. Things definitely improved.

With Mr B he has no issues going again. And again. We are both in our 40s. 🙈

ZoZo I can't remember which rule it is but the gist is it's not real til it's real.. It feels difficult juggling multiple irons and sometimes one will grab you more than another but its worth meeting both to see what's there in real life in terms of spark/compatibility.
Menora personally I wouldn't say anything yet. The opportunity might present but see if he wants to talk about it first.. Personally I can't come at all the first few times, doesn't mean I haven't enjoyed the experience but I need to get more comfortable with it all first.

@ZoZoBo

I actually really like that very mindful and thoughtful quote you provided from @Onesmallstep67

I suppose with modern dating, a sort of unofficial polygamy (polygyny?) is arising?

I think if I had to feel out where I am right now I want to date casually (not blending social groups or meeting the parents) but in quite a formal way (ie not having mainly sex focussed dates)

So I suppose technically I’m after a polygamous interaction

But at the same time I suppose there’s often always one person who is “front runner” 🤔 So does that make everyone else just an ego boost for me?

(This isn’t any firm conclusion here, just me thinking out loud)

I suppose being an over thinker also affects things - I guess some people are a bit less structured in their social interactions and just meet as many people as possible and take things as they come! But realistically I have a limited amount of time and energy and of course you can’t be double booking dates in - two main irons in person and I’m struggling 😬

@Bunkbedpeople I totally get being an over thinker. I'm also a perfectionist with it.

Tuesday's date night has been confirmed. We are going to have a picnic on the beach. So now I'm over thinking what food to get, what I need to remember to take. Even though at the end of the day I know that ultimately none of the worrying/over thinking helps it's just there and as much as I try doesn't go away

@Bunkbedpeople Polygamy is marrying multiple spouses, I think you mean Polyamory which is having intimate relationships with more than one person.

A lot of polyamorous people have primary relationships, polyamory is all about the emotional bond. This is why i feel it's right for me. I want connection and mural care above everything else.

There are other forms of consenting non monogamy and I think modern dating is taking us down this path more as there are less feelings involved.

While I love the idea of polyamory it’s not for me - I can’t keep up with simple dating of more than one person!
Date update - had a lovely meal in an Asian restaurant, he was good company but not for me - he looks totally different from any photo he sent me - and as I call him Mr Posh - he is nearly too posh for me ! In that his background, lifestyle and interests are not similar to mine. And too nice and polite no flirty banter

Now I will worry about how to tell him as he likes me!

Overall it was amazing to be in an actual restaurant with an actual man so it was worth it for that ...on to the next date

@Dancerinthemoonlight

I had a big walk/picnic out Thursday and he did/brought/took most stuff. I had a few bits but none of them got used.

I think as he’s younger (I don’t lie about my age and aren’t aiming for a particular age group but seem to be drawing younger? ) he’s a bit at that “enjoying dating and romancing” stage.

Which is cool - I’m generally just trying to be as open minded as possible in this spell of dating and seeing what happens. I don’t think it means a huge deal either way.

I agree the organisation of early dating really sets off my anxiety! Especially with lockdown making the standard spontaneous pub/coffee shop visit impossible. I guess the most important thing is feeling both parties are being polite and wanting to make the other person happy and comfortable. Like even if someone is having a home date it shouldn’t be one person turning up at the last minute empty handed with little notice?

@cravingthelook

Yes I suppose a kind of polyamory is what I think I’m tending towards (not sure I could deal with one husband let alone multiples ).

I’ve mentioned to one iron that given work and travel/training commitments for both of us I’m looking for something that is not necessarily a formal relationship but we’re still going out and doing stuff like a weekend away etc.

The other iron is fairly physically attractive but I think he’s almost looking for me to take the lead which I don’t find that sexy. So he’s a bit behind at the moment.

Is it just me or are the more conventionally physically attractive looking guys often just not that good at flirting/creating attraction? Like they’re used to women thinking “he’ll look good in my Facebook photos”?

But he’s definitely got stuff in common with me and seems to want to make me happy so we’ll see.

I like the idea of polyamory if it meant me having several partners but them not having several partners. I find it hard to find all the qualities I’m looking for in one man. I have a lot of male friends, some that I have dated, they all have some qualities but not enough for me to want to spend all my time with one of them 🤔

@ZoZoBo

A nice meal date out seems a way to get out there again with lockdown easing

@Bunkbedpeople I'm going to prepare the picnic as he is still working and I'm not. I'm thinking of just going to a few supermarkets and buying some things. If they don't get eaten I can have them for lunches. Neither of us are huge eaters so I'm not going to go over board. Will remember to pack some haribo as they are his favourite sweet

@Bunkbedpeople I think it's especially difficult at the moment as things have just opened up so they are getting booked up. What you feel like doing on the day you book it might be completely different on what you feel like on the day.
I told Mr Smile my date ideas and we narrowed it down. He wanted to decide on the day but understood when I said that at the moment things have to be booked in advance which takes being spontaneous away. We are also hoping the novelty of more things being opened will wear off soon and any teething problems will be worked out by the time we book a restaurant or something.

@Dancerinthemoonlight

That sounds a good plan - initially I was thinking of taking my camping stove and a full menu plan and really going to town - but like you say a few supermarket bits works fine and it’s less pressure. Plus there’s some lovely supermarket bits.

I didn’t find the walk/picnic thing as chilled or romantic as planned sadly - had a massive walk headache and was sick on the way home 😬

but I’m trying not to let that set off my anxiety - we’re meeting on Monday and he was helpful and positive.

Hope your picnic is less eventful and more chilled

@Bunkbedpeople he is very chilled about everything (the complete opposite of me) so I know he will be happy with anything. It's the spending time together that's the important part. I said that I didn't think I had been to the two beaches he suggested so he said we could go somewhere else if I preferred. He is a real sweetheart. We are just going to have a picnic and chill.on the beach.

I'm thinking some french stick, cold meats, cheese for him as I don't eat it, some salad, crackers/crudités and dips. Fruit, sweets and popcorn. Essentially it depends on what m and s, Aldi and Morrisons have in.

Hopefully your next date is less eventful and more chilled than your walk.