Dating Thread 191 - Daters Gonna Date

[JeSuisPrest]

Props to @HairyArsedMan for the thread title - hopefully we'll be able to start dating again normally soon - grabbing a coffee, drink, dinner whatever. I wonder how many hours walking around parks, we've racked up on the last couple of threads.

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Hmm its interesting how a quick read of the thread/s makes me doubt things.
Mr P and I have been dating since January but I havent met anyone in his family, nor he mine. We havent introduced each other to anyone and once lockdown started " dates " were just in his flat. We havent told kids either.
Im wondering now if we are going "too" slow.
I worry that lockdown has quickly pushed us/him into a "comfy on the sofa watching tv, then having sex" relationship already.
The only thing that comforts me is that he suggested we go away together for a week in August whe he doesnt have his children.

Hmmm I wonder if I have " settled " too quickly..

tomhardy he was nice, different but nice and I liked him. No idea if he wants to see me again 😀

Oooh @bangheadhere40 that sounds hopeful!

@bangheadhere40 glad you had a good time, I never have a clue whether someone likes me or not!

I’ve given up waiting around for them to text after a first date and just message them the following day if I like them! Figure I’ve nothing to lose, if they’re interested they’ll respond and, if not, at least I’ll know!

@Bunkbedpeople - thanks for your comments. I think it's probably happened as you've said.

I'd gladly get swiping to get over it, but unfortunately I'm a guy who's not Tom Hardy, so I could spend all night and all tomorrow swiping and still not get any new matches

Wonderful time with Mr Technology. He’s just left.

We’d already arrange to go for lunch on Monday and he’s just said we aren’t going to the pub, we are going to this fancy new place in town as he wants to show me off.

The only thing that’s worrying me is if it’s not real. I don’t want to fall for him and find out it’s all been a lie. But I guess you have to take these risks to get anywhere in life

@LivingMyBestLife2020 i think it's easy to worry things are too good to be true when they are so great but you can only go in with your eyes wide open and not ignore any flags. Other than that, you should just enjoy things for what they are, it sounds lovely.

@Clovertoast are you prepared to go to bars/restaurants? Im not so we have been on a few dates now where it's the park, picnics, cooking together at home, lots of walks. We also thought driving somewhere nice like nearby stately homes, or he has suggested cycling /jogging, though these filled me with dread as I can't do either!! Unless the weather is awful, I'd try and go out as I don't want to get too comfortable too quickly.

Lovely to hear you had a great date @bangheadhere40 🤞

@Clovertoast I think lockdown was a strange situation all round. You couldn't have introduced each other to people at that point. But as you've been together 6 months I'd expect that to change. I'd also want to be going out out now that's allowed. If you both feel comfortable. I think a few of us have done more creative dates over lockdown but I had to suggest them to Mr B. He'd have defaulted to my sofa. We are also adjusting post lockdown. Funnily I think we were closer over the strict part of lockdown as we spoke all the time on the phone. Now it's easy to stick the tv on.

@LivingMyBestLife2020 how come he left at 1am and didn't stay over? Taking that leap is scary. Every relationship I've had hasn't worked. Every relationship he's had hasn't worked. It's scary to think we might be walking into something that is going to cause us pain. I suppose all we can do is watch out for any warning signs and try and enjoy the ride.

@Notcoolmum I have a toddler who wakes up at the crack of dawn so sleeping over wouldn’t work until they’ve met and it’s more serious. He’s happy with that and he only lives 5 minutes away so not an issue. I’m more comfortable with him leaving at the minute too. Sleeping over is a bit too much at the minute.

I’m really looking forward to our date tomorrow though 😬

Loving all the updates and date stories lately. I joined these threads in lockdown so it was all phone calls and video dates at the start!
Not much going on with me. Only talking to/seeing Mr BlueEyes and we appear to be getting on great. We can only see each other every second weekend though and I would love it to be more:( We have plans to meet on Saturday and maybe we will manage Sunday too this time.
My biggest issue is my ex! I posted last week about him declaring his undying love for me totally out of the blue but also coincidentally when I started dating!
Things have escalated unfortunately and he is not in a good place mentally. He is putting a lot of pressure on me alternating between tearfully begging and angry threats. He ended up in hospital this week so I’m afraid to be as harsh as I would like to be with him. He is ruining what should be a lovely time for me when I am happy for the first time in years!
Anyway just want to vent I know there’s nothing anyone can do. I’m just focusing on next weekend and escaping my life for a couple of days with a lovely man😊

Oh man. Mr R got the full show of holding my hair back while I was sick. Woke up he’s cleaned up my whole house. I am so hungover 😂

@menora - Mr R certainly sounds like a keeper! Hope you’re feeling better soon!!

Haha @Menora been there. Sadly no one has ever cleaned my whole house though. Wish they would!

Reading these posts gives me anxiety.
I've recently come out of an almost 4 Yr relationship. I ended things but feel dreadful. The majority was amazing and I genuinely thought he was my future.. As we do.. But I really did
Every box ticked and on we went happily. But I started seeing he has a dissmisive attachment and it added up a few moments in our relationship.
I panicked and thought he wasn't into me or messing me about so ended things. I feel so sad as the only 1 argument could have been worked around had I understood better.
Anyway just ranting.. And reading about your dates takes me back to my awful one's and how much hard work it was.

@ZoZoBo
My ex did the same and he has severe mental health issues as well, i agreed to be friends with him still and we co-parented and it worked well until 18 months in he realised i was seeing someone and the shit really hit the fan.

He took overdoses and went to hospital loads of times, at the start i was all sympathetic but then it turned into harrassment and stalking and suicide threats when i was with my new bloke so in the end i withdrew completely and my stock response was 'ring the samaritans' and i switched off notification on texts so i didnt know when he messaged.

Suddenly when i was no longer giving him attention he pulled himself together.

I stayed in my marriage for 17 years even though he had loads of emotional affairs and was emotionally abusive because he always threatened suicide.

Luckily new bloke has been really supportive and helped me loads in dealing with my emotions around the guilt of him potentially killing himself and now i realise that i cannot stop him and if he does do it, it isnt my fault.

If you would like to chat over PM please ferl free to message me.

@ZoZoBo
Forgot to mention boundaries, get some in place, it is not your job to sort your ex's health out and his continual messaging is a control thing.

I gradually blocked my ex on everything, i would warn him not to keep messaging about our marriage and why he did what he did and how it wasnt all bad etc and he carried on so i blocked him on WhatsApp and then on texts.
Currently he is allowed to email and only about our daughter.
Anything else gets ignored i feel really empowered.

@ZoZoBo you're not responsible for anyone else's happiness, and whatever your ex does is his choice. It sounds like a control tactic to keep you engaged and giving him attention.

Just got in from my date with Mr Potter. He was lovely, really easy company, loads to talk about. He talked more than he listened but that might have been nerves. We could definitely be friends but I'm not sure if there was a spark there. I'd like to see him again though. Hope he feels the same!

@SortingItOut thank you so much.. I needed to read that today. I might pm you at some stage too thanks for the offer:)
@frocksmock it is manipulative and I want it to stop. And I’m glad your date went well ...wanting to see him again is a good sign

Hi again everyone!

Just popping back in to see how everyone is, after taking a little break for the last few months.

Happy belated birthday @Menora

Quick update from me - some of you may remember that I met Miss H back just before lockdown started, and have seen her a few times since. We've not had any chats about where we saw it going, but I think deep down I knew it wouldn't lead anywhere long term. However with the whole lockdown situation it worked for both of us and I was always happy to fit in with her child/work schedule.

However this weekend she's been in touch to say she's got a lot more going on, so won't have much free time in the foreseeable future and wanted to let me know so I have the opportunity to get back out there. We're going to have a chat on the phone about it later, so I'm not quite sure whether she just feels bad about not being able to spend time with me, or if it's just a polite way of her saying she doesn't want to see me anymore. I know things have changed recently to take up more of her time, and that her family will always take priority over me.

Deep down, I knew this was always coming, and was trying to find the courage to say something similar myself. But I'm also feeling sad at the thought of it ending.

I have had such a crappy day so far. Mr S was round and we were relaxing watching a film together when my mum comes round and starts having a go at me. I'm the one who gets blamed for everything and nothing I do is good enough. When she had left I couldn't hold it together and ended up crying with Mr S holding me.
Then comes the many pho e calls to have a go at me. Mr S has been called back into work for at least a few hours. He said he would come back when he had finished but all I can think of is why would he want to be with me after seeing that.

How are you doing @Dancerinthemoonlight? It's very difficult isn't it when you have parts of your life that you don't want to overload someone with too soon. You and Mr S have made a good start. He's an adult and I'm sure has enough sense to know that your mom's behaviour shouldn't reflect upon you. It might be better to see if you can avoid any more of these situations too soon by getting out of the house on dates with Mr S, maybe stay at his ? I think lockdown has caused some of us to be spending more time at home with our irons thus making them part of our home lives faster than in normal circumstances

@Onesmallstep67 I'm doing okay thanks. I went for a long walk to try and clear my head. I feel like I have barley seen him today or spent much time with him. Wish he was still here. We have texted on and off this afternoon so I'm going to ask a bit later if he is coming back tonight.
From 1st September I can stay at his which will be lovely. There have been rules put in place by the place he lives in of no casual visitors (if you are married then you are allowed to be there but no partners etc) at the moment but the rules are changing as of 1st September. It's only just over a month but then I'm on holiday for 2 weeks in September, I'm going to miss him so much during those 2 weeks. We have done dates and usually get out but we just wanted to have a relaxing day at home. There are so many things we both want to do but it's also that not many of them are open at the moment and that we are both prioritising saving to buy property.

Quick update from me - last nights second date was good but still not really clear whether he's in to me or not. He seems, well not shy, but not exactly sure how he should be playing it. Dont know if we'll see each other again.

Had a date with new iron this afternoon. Was not attracted at all. He was super confident though and put me on spot there and then asking if i was interested in seeing him again so had to say no 🙊

Have another date this evening. New iron. Hoping its better than this afternoons 🤷‍♀️😁

Dancer it’s really hard when someone sees a side of you like that try not to worry.
I obviously got obliterated last night so have beer fear about my own behaviour and what Mr R must think of me now!

@Menora he said he didn't like to see me cry. I know he was then annoyed that he was called back into work as usually he has weekends off. Or if like next Sunday he has to work then he has the following day off.

If anything this has just re-enforced my need for stronger boundaries with my mum. I have been considering looking into therapy to deal with issues stemming from an abusive childhood when I go back to work (can't afford it at the moment)