Dating Thread 191 - Daters Gonna Date

[JeSuisPrest]

Props to @HairyArsedMan for the thread title - hopefully we'll be able to start dating again normally soon - grabbing a coffee, drink, dinner whatever. I wonder how many hours walking around parks, we've racked up on the last couple of threads.

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

I have gotten into such an overthinking space tonight. Mr S has told his daughter that he has a girlfriend and she told him that he isn't allowed one. He asked her why mummy is allowed a boyfriend and he isn't allowed a girlfriend and it's because she loves him more than she loves mummy. That mummy won't bring her over to see him. He has told her that this won't happen and that if mummy won't then granny will bring her.
Now I'm stupidly over thinking that what if I eventually meet her and she doesn't like me. Then what would happen. I know it's a long way off but I haven't dated a man with a young child before. I'm child free and don't have much experience with them. She is 5

She is 5

Bribery works fine at this age, I recommend homemade chocolate biscuits, cake and unicorns, if the situation is dire then roll out the big guns and go with cake in the shape of a unicorn.

I'll leave the serious advice to those with more experience

Many children are ambivalent about what might be a ‘new’ mummy or daddy coming into their lives. Ideally mummy and daddy would never have split up. My 4 year old daughter thinks mummy and daddy should marry again soon. You could be her Daddy’s nice new friend eventually!

Hi,

Hope it’s ok for me to join? I have posted on here before a few months ago, possibly under a different username.

I’ve been talking to someone I met OLD since just before lockdown. We only just started meeting up properly so have only a couple of dates. We usually text all the time, the last few days he’s been under more stress at work so hasn’t been talking as much. He reads my texts but doesn’t always reply. My texts are in reply to his texts, not just me messaging him out of the blue.

Anyway, last night we sent a couple of text, I saw he’d been online but didn’t reply to me again so I sent a text asking if he wanted me to give him a bit of space. He’s read but not replied. Have I made a mistake asking if he wanted space? I really like him and thought it’d take a bit of pressure off if he hadn’t got to give headspace to messaging me on top of everything else 😣

I can’t answer but I have a just turned 2 year old. I do wonder about what will happen when a time comes for him to meet anew partner. He’s still quite young so won’t understand I guess but I do still worry about it. How will he feel? What if he’s older and doesn’t like the idea? Then there’s the worry about how will my new partner feel?

Mr Technology doesn’t have children and he brought up very early on that he’s never met the right person to have children with but he’s not against them in the future. He also said he’d happily take on a child if he finds the right woman which is nice to hear. I think it means more to him than he realises. He’s not one to talk about feelings but he has talked about children a few times. I’m aware it’s a very full on conversation but I personally think it’s so important. My marriage ended because my now ex decided he never wanted children and I did.

To those who are considering a relationship with somebody with a child, how do you feel about it? I’m just curious really. It’s too early for me to think about but it is something I need to consider. I’d happily take on another one or 2 children but I think it’s different to take on a child if you yourself are childless?

@NotARealAvery

Hi,

Hope it’s ok for me to join? I have posted on here before a few months ago, possibly under a different username.

I’ve been talking to someone I met OLD since just before lockdown. We only just started meeting up properly so have only a couple of dates. We usually text all the time, the last few days he’s been under more stress at work so hasn’t been talking as much. He reads my texts but doesn’t always reply. My texts are in reply to his texts, not just me messaging him out of the blue.

Anyway, last night we sent a couple of text, I saw he’d been online but didn’t reply to me again so I sent a text asking if he wanted me to give him a bit of space. He’s read but not replied. Have I made a mistake asking if he wanted space? I really like him and thought it’d take a bit of pressure off if he hadn’t got to give headspace to messaging me on top of everything else 😣

@NotARealAvery it’s so tough isn’t it! I’m useless at advice as I’m similar to you, but someone will be along soon with some excellent advice. They’ve got me back on track and I’m sure they can help you too.

@livingmybestlife2020 for me it wasn't an issue that he has a daughter while I'm child free. I suppose it's because I eventually want children so it's just a little headstart. I have had the talk with Mr S and he has always wanted more children.

@flippityflippityflap75 thank you. I know he has dated since he spilt up with her mum but I think this is the first time he has told her about a girlfriend. From having heard bits and pieces about his ex it seems like she is always leaving the little girl to go and spend time with her boyfriend. If/when it gets to the time of meeting her I'd make sure that she got daddy and me time but also time with us both to show that just because he has a girlfriend that she isn't going to be pushed out and there will always be room for her.

@starryunicorn thank you. I think I need to remember what I was like as a 5 year old. All that time ago. That probably would have worked on me (to be honest it probably still would 😂)

From experience it is sometimes the case that children don’t like you for no apparent reason or take a while to come round. My 18 month ex had 3 DC and the older 2 (8 and 10)I got on great with but no matter how much effort I made with the 5yo (or making no effort 😂) he behaved like a little monkey towards me and exDP never told him off so he carried on doing it more. My own DD17 is very antisocial to new people too

@VivaVegas and @Msyoganidra32 I think put yourself on them all if you have the time. Like the lottery you’ve got to be in it to win it. You might pick up a tenner one week, or patiently wait for a big prize playing for years and get nothing but the odd decent prize, or win big then realise you’re sharing it with others. Umm, analogy stretched too far there, but you can only maximise your chances through sifting on all the sites. Unless you have really niche needs most of the sites are similar I think. Slight uptick in unconventional sorts on OkCupid, perhaps ? I’ve had to be really proactive and search and message those that are interesting to me rather than see who is interested in me.

@NotRealAvery A bloke that is truly, truly into you will get back to you really quickly, always. And if he is constrained by something he will apologise and say what it is and when it’s going to be over. You haven’t done anything ‘wrong‘ at all. He’s said he’s in a situation, you’ve shown concern and his appreciation of that has been silence. I think you know more about him now ...

@Menora I know it's too early to be worrying about it but I'm an over thinker. I suppose I will just have to see what happen if/when it happens.
I have fallen for Mr S and I know how much it would hurt not to have him in my life

@Dancerinthemoonlight, you know that you are over thinking and letting all the possibles run through your mind because you like Mr S so much. Try to focus on the here and now. You can't control what he thinks and feels but so far he seems to be showing you his commitment. I think you are worrying about his DD because it partly gives you something to focus on your fears on. If Mr S is the right one for you then you will negotiate any issues that arise together.
@NotARealAvery, hairy has got it spot on in my opinion. People that are into you don't mess you around by being lazy and slow to respond or reassure you. And even if that is his ' style' it seems it doesn't work for you as it's leading you to question his interest and probably causing a degree of anxiety, hence you posting on here.

I'd say when you do eventually meet @Dancerinthemoonlight be fun but not too in their face. Find it a few things they are interested in so you can chat to them about it. But be relaxed. Take the lead from their dad. Don't try too hard or take over. Don't see yourself a step mum. You are dad's new friend. Oh and don't kiss their dad in front of them!!

Hi all, I hope you are all ok. I'm just dealing with a myriad of emotions.

I'm meeting a guy for a walk tonight but I think he's managed to friend zone himself. I'll call him Mr FZ.

Still talking to Mr Swan we had dinner on Tuesday ... 6 hours went by in a heart beat. We get lost in a never ending chat. We then had a 'quick' video call on Wednesday to help him with a work thing and that lasted 70 minutes.
We aren't even mentioning or acknowledging the chemistry. I'm keeping my distance.

Hi all new to all this but I've been hurting for a while now and need to talk to someone about it. I'm 37 and my partner is 38 we have two lovely children together and have been married for 13 years. I met my partner when I was 16 and as the years rolled by I came to find that she is my soul mate and I love her more than you could imagine, we had our 1st child and got married shortly after that, about a year into our marriage I found out she had been talking to someone and was planning to be unfaithful, I confronted the situation and shot it down blaming myself for not giving enough attention and the stress of parenthood. I was hurt but loved her so wanted to fix the situation and carry on. Everything was fine throughout the years we had our ups and downs, we had arguments but nothing we couldn't get through until again I found myself in a situation where she was disloyal and had someone around while I was at work, she came clean about it and said nothing went on apart from a kiss, I believed her and again wanted to fix any issues we had in our marriage to put it behind us. Dont get me wrong I was hurt I cried, I was destroyed but wanted to focus on fixing it for the sake of our child and the fact that I still loved her and didn't want to be with anyone else. We then had our second child and everything was good more years went by, more ups and downs like any marriage but the last year and a half things have changed she is distant there is no affection, no cuddles, no kisses, I have to ask anytime I want to be intimate with her and no words of I love you. I then found out again she was talking to someone and my heart dropped she wanted to get to know someone else to pursue something I confronted the situation and could see she wasn't happy but wouldn't open up, she said it's because I dont let her have friends and dont like any that she makes which is untrue I just dont like the fact these friendships head in a more romantic way than a friendship but again I wanted to fix and work on us I loved her and couldn't let her go but the effects had crushed me so deep I ask myself what's wrong with me, what have I dont for this to happen? Anyway we carried on and things were great we laughed and joked we were still intimate although I still had to ask but still no affection and was scared to try in fear of rejection. Well that brings us to now and for the last 2 months I had my suspicion that something was going on again it's so funny how to pick up on change of habits so quickly, I found she hard created a new social media account I didn't say anything that I knew instead I sat and watched and tried to piece together meanings to messages she had posted, during this lockdown we would always go on a walk, not long just like an hour to stretch our legs but she wanted to go on her own walks saying it's the only time she gets to herself which was understandable but the thing I didn't get was why she kept taking so long to get ready always had to look perfect just to walk around a few roads so putting the social media messages and my suspicion of her walks I decided to put a device on her before she went on her walk and when she got back and I listened to it to my surprise my suspicions were right again, found out she was talking to another guy she had met online and their conversation broke my heart into a million pieces they had been talking for over a month they had never met up but they would say I love you to each other and was planning to when the situation was right (most likely when I would be out the way at work) they discussed it was hard talking because of me and the kids being around and the bit he said was did she want to end it between them to her reply (No of course I dont) she came home acting as if nothing was wrong, would smile to my face and I knew if I hadn't found out she wouldn't of said anything and would of happily lead a double life. I went into a rage, I was so prepared to leave and all it over for good I was so hurt it felt like I was dying how could a woman I've loved for so long do this to me again and again if you dont want to be in the marriage you would just tell your partner you dont want to be with them anymore then you can lead any life you pleased. Anyway I could tell she was angry she got caught outif I didn't have proof she would of denied it and after packing a bag I sat and thought for a while and decided I cant let her go I still love her so much so gave her the choice to either cut ties with the guy and work on us or just end it and she agreed to work on us. She wont open up on why this happens, is she bored of our relationship and looking for something fun and dangerous? I dont know but as the days go on I'm still very broken wanted to repair my marriage not wanting this situation to happen again but i dont know where to start I'm too paranoid i asked her if we could take our pass lock of our phones so we know we have nothing to hide to which i was told I'm to controlling she acts fine like nothings happened but like I said she wont open up, can I win this battle and save my marriage or is it something I can never win but cant let go.

@onesmallstep67 you are completely right. I know I'm over thinking it. I suppose our situation with it is a bit different to most. He lives over here while his daughter loves with her mum back in the Caribbean so he video calls her every day and either has her twice a year for about 3-4 weeks each time or has her once in the UK and takes a long holiday in the Caribbean to see her.
I'm going to try and focus on the here and now with him and for things to progress naturally.

@notcoolmum thank you for the advice. Although I have nephews, I rarely see them because my sister and I don't get on that well. I have more experience with babies and toddlers than I do with 5+ year olds.

@BrokenGuy I’m sorry you’re hurting but you will do better creating your own thread, this one is about dating. Good luck.

@BrokenGuy You need to start your own thread in relationships - this thread is to share advice about online dating, but my quick thoughts are your wife is repeatedly unfaithful this will never change - if you have got to the stage of putting listening devices on her your marriage is over. You cannot love her enough for both of you unfortunately and that is incredibly painful. She has made it very clear that she needs something extra outside of your relationship (several times...) Of course you can carry on as you are and you will continue to be as miserable as you are now, or you tell her enough is enough, end the relationship and walk away with what self esteem and dignity you still have.

When you say you love her, do you love the fact that she is sexting (and probably having sex with other men), do you love the fact that she shows you no affection, do you love the fact that she tells other men that she loves them and has intimate conversations with them? You are being very selective in what you think is "love". She has no respect for you or your relationship. A lot of us here have been in marriages which have ended due to infidelity. It hurts a lot, but in my experience the hurt was less when the marriage ended.

Hi everyone,

Thought I'd pop by and see how everyone is getting on - it's Kermit under a new name! Things with MrM are going fabulously and we're coming up to 9.5 months - he lost his job due to COVID and moved in with me at the beginning of April and apart from some minor wobbles all is going well.

Does anyone if a mini SG has popped out yet? Was thinking about her the other day

Hi all,
A little update from me, although not sure if anyone will remember as I only joined the threads in December.
I still read everyday as the advice has been so helpful to me as I navigate through.
I had my first and only date OLD when I joined Bumble in January and met Mr P. We are still going nearly 8 months later. He is lovely and we are both taking it slow. We have been exclusive since February and only this month described each other as boyfriend and girlfriend. Although we feel ridiculous saying that as we are 45 and 50 !
I see him a lot although that's partly because we have both been working from home and we saw each other through lockdown ( shoot me ). Its going to reduce as we go back, he lives a 40 min train and car journey from me. I stay over at his flat in the week and every other weekend.

I've posted partly because I am reading the comments about introducing children. I have older teens who know I am seeing him, but haven't met him. They are absolutely fine with me seeing him. He has a 5 and 8 year old that he has 50/50. We haven't discussed introducing children or even telling them about us yet and that seems to be ok with me. But I'm wondering when this usually happens. I kind of have the idea that we shouldn't do any introducing or mixing until we know this is " forever, going somewhere permanently" What is the norm is it a case that there isn't a one size fits all in this situation?

I'm very happy by the way, cant believe my luck I met him straight away

@HairyArsedMan thank you it's a good way to look at it , like finding a needle in a haystack. I don't have the time or the energy to juggle many apps at once so I guess I will just persevere and see what happens. Am trying to view it with an open casual mind ask think that's best.

A small update from my over thinking last night and this morning over Mr S daughter saying 'daddy isn't allowed a girlfriend'
Although he has dated since splitting with her mum 3 years ago I am the first girlfriend he has mentioned to her. I said that it must be a lot for her to take in and that her world has been flipped upside down this year as she hasn't been able to visit as she usually would due to covid 19. Basically I said that we just need to show her than I'm not taking him away from her, that he would always be there for her, still have daddy daughter time and maybe we could do some day trips in the future the 3 of us etc. He said thats exactly what he thought I would say and that we are on the same page about his daughter.
I feel a lot better about everything since having talked to him about it. He seems positive about everything and that she will get used to the idea and will like me when she gets to meet me.

Everything is just so simple when I have talked it out with him. Like if there is a problem or I'm over thinking things it's us against the issue not me on my own. I'm not scared of having those difficult or more in-depth conversations with him because I feel secure in the relationship and not like those conversations would be the end of it.

All well here, enjoying reading all the updates it seems everyone is on the go at the moment! Feels like this summer hasn’t really happened weather is totally grim.

My front iron is moving next week and (not sure if it’s an age or a life stage thing), looking forward to seeing him before but not going to make a huge deal of it.

We’ve been toying with the idea of a trip away or similar but I’m exhausted, he seems exhausted, and hopefully we’ll visit each other’s cities so I’m not getting FOMO over anything.

On reflection I think FOMO is quite a dangerous feeling to have when dating - it’s like I’m often quite content in myself but then I start relying on whoever I’m dating to “tick emotional or social boxes”, and actually the quality of my life is fine.

Still keeping up with a few other irons on tinder and bumble.

Due to lack of time, I’m used to basically jumping into an emotional intense situation with one guy ASAP so the whole pacing/meeting gradually is new to me.

Had to do a “speed block” from bumble with a guy who I’d moved to WhatsApp with but was a bit off.

Basically had a baby as his profile photo on WhatsApp, didn’t answer when I asked about it, and did the whole “do you live alone?” line far too soon

So I said good night then quickly blocked and unmatched him to avoid getting into a complicated dialogue.

Hope everyone has a good and chilled weekend of dating or not dating

clovertoast Oh well done you! Although I've met previous partners on my first OK Cupid date (twice over), This time around I reckon I've had about 25 first dates in 18 months, between Fab (OK, not exactly the same, but it's still effectively a first date, even if you have one more button undone on your top than you would for a "date date" ) and Bumble. It's been exhausting!

Re: meeting kids, it seems that the Mumsnet magic time period is 6 months. But obviously, everybody's different. I think, if you're still feeling a relationship is definitely going somewhere after that amount of time, then it's good enough. I mean, who knows if something's going to last forever?

Livingmybestlife I think, in some ways, it's much easier to introduce a toddler than it is an older child. A toddler has little idea of the significance of "Mummy's new friend". When I met DS2's dad, DS1 was 2, and as I had no time off from parenting whatsoever, they met when he stayed over on about the 5th date . Compare that with the same child at 10: "Hey, lovely babysitter's coming to look after you on Tuesday!" "Why, where are you going?" "Oh...just out..." "Where? Who with?!"

notarealAvery welcome to the infrequent messaging asylum! I have been getting myself so worked up over Mr Sparky's irregular communications...but then he phoned me last night and we talked until our phones got all hot, and he even mentioned the "R" word, so I'm feeling all positive about things again today. Seeing him Tuesday (if the babysitter gets back to me ).

@Msyoganidra32 I tried loads of the apps as an experiment but seemed to get the most luck with Tinder just because it's the most popular one around. I have friends who had more luck on hinge, happn and Bumble too. I'm also a single parent in my 40s.

@notarealAvery messaging is also super key to me and one of the best pieces of advice I got here was that if someone likes you, they will make an effort to contact/keep in contact. I then deleted anyone who didn't bother much with me and that has worked really well with me.

@Dancerinthemoonlight you sound really smitten! It sounds like Mr S is very serious too if he has already mentioned you to his daughter.