Dating Thread 191 - Daters Gonna Date

[JeSuisPrest]

Props to @HairyArsedMan for the thread title - hopefully we'll be able to start dating again normally soon - grabbing a coffee, drink, dinner whatever. I wonder how many hours walking around parks, we've racked up on the last couple of threads.

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Coming to join you all as I dip my toes into the murky world of OLD. I've had a previous bad experience that put me off for quite some time (resulted in a court case and restraining order) so my spidey senses are on high alert but I hope for a better experience this time round! I've been on one date so far, Mr Cycle, who seemed lovely but then he found my profile on Facebook and contacted me asking me to message him because he'd deleted my number to stop himself messaging me too much I haven't bothered with him since, it felt stalkerish and I've been there done that unfortunately!

@frocksmock that does seem a bit strange to say hes deleted ur number. had he been in touch after your date?

@frocksmock weird is so many ways. Block and delete!!

Glad you ok @crazycatlady20

I’ve been reading the recent posts with interest as I have a situation I would like advice on. Things are going well with Mr BlueEyes and I can’t wait to see him again. We both have our kids the same weekends so we probably won’t be able to meet as often as we would like but that’s fine for now.

I think I’m just wondering about taking things to a more serious level and sharing life’s stresses with an iron. I have had 2 quite upsetting things happen in the last 24 hours and instead of pretending I’m fine I would love to talk to him about it. But then I feel like we don’t know each other very long or very well either and I am afraid of what he will think....like I’m too hard work or something! I think all those OLD profiles with ‘no drama’ on them makes me afraid of a drama perception!
Is there a ‘rule’ on this like when the flirty chit chat can be supplemented with more deep and serious stuff? I know this is a stupid question that depends on loads of variables but has anyone any advice? Keep it light for now or let him in a bit and see what happens?

I suppose if he runs a mile when I’m vulnerable or emotional then I’m better off?

@crazycatlady20 yes he had, so it was all the more weird! He gave me some nonsense about thinking I'd message him, but I didn't so he tracked down my profile on Facebook. All makes perfect sense. Not

@ZoZoBo, I think it depends on the nature of what has happened and whether you feel it may impact the potential for your relationship to develop. I think guys who make statements about ' no drama' are usually alluding to unresolved issues with past relationships or heavy duty Jeremy Kyle style family feuds. Obviously if what has happened is integral to your life then he's going to find out at some point.

ZoZoBo, how long have you been talking to him for? Certainly I think an allusion to things having been tough over the last few days wouldn't go amiss even if you've only been on a date or two.

I always took "No drama" to mean "I don't want to know if you're ever upset, even if I caused it" myself, so I'd avoid anybody with that on their profile.

I also avoid "no drama " on profiles. I think it would be okay to speak to him about the issues.

I have a date on Saturday...Mr Funny.

I always scroll past the profiles with ' no drama ' on because it's a twattish thing to say.
@bangheadhere40, yay date !!

"No drama" is an automatic swipe left for me too. @ZoZoBo I wouldn't bring anything up with him yet, but I tend to be a bit reserved at first. I don't like to invest too quickly so I'd keep it light till I knew him better.

Thanks everyone- we are meeting next weekend so I will see if the time is right to bring up the serious stuff. It won’t impact on me being with him as such but are major problems in my personal life that will stress me at times...We have spent the evening reminiscing about our night together last weekend and planning our next one which has been a nice distraction from the shit show 😊

Yeh, I always find it VERY tricky to find the right balance between “showing vulnerability and being open” and “being a bit TOO open”.

It’s not easy is it!

I think there’s two ends of the spectrum and both extremes maybe aren’t great for intimacy?

I mean if you watch First Dates (guilty pleasure ) the producers give the vibe that everyone needs to be 100% open and confess their traumas early on, which their date then “understands and sympathises with” and this is the green light for a great relationship....

When my experience has been that the kind of people who are drawn to trauma are controlling nutcases or people who want an unhealthy “fixer” style relationship.

I had a lot of unpleasant family related drama in my early life (which unfortunately I couldn’t keep private) and the kind of men who were drawn to getting involved in this were as unpleasant as fuck.

On the other end of the scale, you have some narcissistic dates who are only happy with you if you tick all the “Miss Perfect who is never stressed or is sad or ill” boxes. And you don’t want of those!

So getting to the midpoint where you’re getting on with life and not expecting the other to “solve your problems” or be rescuer is important.

I suppose I feel now that I need to take a holistic view of any stress issues I have - even if I feel emotionally close to someone I’m dating they’re just one person and ultimately I may need to ask others or address the issue myself.

But also knowing the other person is “generally emotionally sensitive and thoughtful and supportive” if needed?

So you can say “I feel tense about X issue” and they don’t try to tell you you should be feeling happy or you’re being wrong for feeling that way.

I hope you find the right communication balance which works for you and have a super chilled weekend @ZoZoBo

Hi all, I had posted a while back about an obese man I know messaging me on an app (I said I'd call him Mr Big, but I think Mr LL is better). Just got back from having drinks with him. I realised it's actually been over 5 years since we last saw each other, but he's just as fun to talk to as ever. He insisted on paying for the drinks, then walked me to the station and suggested we get together again soon. I said that would be great.

I'm quite confused, but I suppose I will continue meeting with him as long as it's fun.

@ZoZoBo good luck! Feeling the vibes of the situation seems sensible

@Bunkbedpeople you are so wise - really! Your friends are blessed to have you in their lives! Your post sums my feelings up exactly - I don’t want someone who can’t deal with my emotions but at the same time I don’t want a solver if I do decide to share, just a hug would do. I’m really good at putting a public game face on which makes me look cold or unfeeling so I want to be able to be a bit open and vulnerable with the man I’m with in private.

@happylittletree keeping going as long as it’s fun is a mantra to live by! Mr LL sounds lovely

@Bunkbedpeople agree totally with trying to find that happy balance. Those who seem to go out of their way to fix, seem to have a whole load of issues themselves whereas others seem to want perfect/no stress (sortof understandable early on in dating). I'm also going through a lot of stress with my ex and I really wanted to hide things from my iron but he did ask how my day was and I told the truth. He was cool about it but part of me thought why did I tell him this early on!!?

@happylittletree having been attracted myself to a wide variety of sorts, I'd say give Mr LL a chance if there is chemistry there. I think attraction does grow as you get to know someone better. Plus I look at friends partners currently, lots who might be considered overweight/not gorgeous per se but who are great fun/loving etc (whereas my ex was gorgeous but frightening). I'm all about giving people a chance!

@happylittletree if he's lovely he's definitely worth giving a chance! Though I'm biased, as I prefer a larger man more to cuddle!

Morning All. After my posts on here the other night, I had a wonderful date with Mr Technology. We really had a good deep chat and talked about all sorts. I’m feeling much more confident about it all now. The reality is he is great is person just not so good over text. He mentioned at one point Whilst on our date that he’s been talking to his SiL about my change of career and how motivated I am. That really made me smile as I’d never expected him to mention me to anybody never mind my career change. Shows he listening I guess!
We talked about a weekend away maybe end of August time too.
He dropped me home and I didn’t invite him in. I said I’d loved the opportunity to just chat and get to know each other on a deeper level and he respected that.
He then text to say he had a lovely time, great conversation and I looked very nice (that made me smile)

So I’m happier now. Going to just chill on the message front and accept it’s never going to be as good as he is in person and it’s the person that maters :)

@LivingMyBestLife2020 it seems to me that the most important thing is ensuring your needs are met in the relationship - so if you don't take his crap messaging personally and you don't need that kind of contact to feel happy with him, then this sounds good! It sounds like you're saying he is great other than not being good at texting.

Mr LL texted to say it was great catching up and to ask if I want to get together again soon. He also made a thoughtful reference to my daughter, who I was a bit worried about when I met with him

I'm feeling weird butterflies. I basically haven't dated in 10 years (other than one coffee date and a couple of video chats from OLD, all of which were underwhelming). I'm also still going through a divorce. These feelings are so confusing.

Probably the best thing is just to say yes and take it from here. It's not even officially a date!

I've read many of the updates with interest.

I have had the lack of contact with previous irons, it played into my insecurities hugely.
I also had irons that I felt I couldn't be totally open with.

I'm very much still on the smitten bench with MrLegal, I feel like I can bare my soul to him without judgement. I'm usually quite closed off especially in the early days but there is something about him that makes me feel differently.
I never have to chase him up to arrange things, and even this early on, if I needed him, he would be here.
It's strange and refreshing and a bit scary, but I'm enjoying every moment of it now.

I'm not trying to brag, honestly! But I was so disheartened with OLD, men were never the complete package, there was always something missing. I have no idea if it will lag with MrLegal but at the moment, he is what I have been looking for. I guess what I'm trying to say is don't compromise on stuff that matters, because there will be someone out there that ticks all the boxes.

@30somethingandstillsingle that's a fantastic update about Mr Legal. I completely agree with not compromising. There will eventually be someone who ticks all your boxes and who makes you forget about all the rubbish dates you have been on.

I can honestly say that I have never felt so strongly about someone as I do with Mr S. He isn't perfect but he is perfect for me

It's good to read all your positive updates on actual dates.
I've been on Match for a few weeks and not one date.
The guys I have matched with have either just wanted to message and after what I thought were promising conversations, when I suggested meeting, they just stopped. Or a couple who a was a bit wary of and then Match removed them as they felt something wasn't right.
I get messages from men in their 20s or 30s or blokes heading for 60 who I have nothing in common with. I'm 50 but very young for my age and very fit and active, my profile reflects that if like to meet someone similar. I've asked my girlfriends advice on photos but it's just not happening.
Should I go on another app, last year Match worked for me and pof and Bumble didn't. Maybe I should try one of those. What apps do those if you my age use?

@VivaVegas I was going to post a similar post to yours . I have recently been on tinder, match and baddo and POF and only had one date who turned out to be a complete liar . I have had so many crap experiences as well I follow the rules don’t get over invested but seem to get all the time wasters who just want to chat and chat then disappear .
Interested to see if people can recommend any other app s I m a single parent in my mid 40 s . So any suggestions welcome

Literally been texting Mr Technology all day and constantly for the last 4 hours. And they say women are complicated 😂🤣