Dating Thread 191 - Daters Gonna Date

[JeSuisPrest]

Props to @HairyArsedMan for the thread title - hopefully we'll be able to start dating again normally soon - grabbing a coffee, drink, dinner whatever. I wonder how many hours walking around parks, we've racked up on the last couple of threads.

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

I am no great dating rule follower as my posts testify this week, but I have had some appalling anxiety the last 18 months of staying. Enough to make me not function. My current interest is doing his best to support me despite our explosive start. He’s a good person. To put in perspective, we are exclusive already.

I’ve taken from tonight that so need to be mite direct with him and if I’m worried, curious etc, just ask him the question

Same here I think Living! I've long been socialised to repress the honest, direct part of myself, but, as well as being on the spectrum myself, I have suspicions about Mr Sparky (well, he is an engineer, after all ).

That's good advice flippity

@crazycatlady20 it's a good sign that he is keeping in contact this time and not withdrawing from you as things are tough for him. Feeling settled is a lovely feeling. The apps can do your head in with the constant pinging on your phone, trying to remember who is who and what you have told each one.

I took a huge leap of faith with Mr S because I have dated men from the Caribbean before and sort of with his job and they all turned out terribly. I'm a huge believer in not all men of the same place or job are the same and I'm so happy I took the leap.
I have decided to distance myself a bit from my friend who said that in 3-6 weeks time I will find out that he has a secret family in Botswana. If she doesn't contact me then I'm not going to.

@HalfDutchGirl in terms of what is normal, it's whatever you think it should be? I don't buy the whole thing about having this incredibly busy life because there is always time to check in and say hello. These are my expectations and once I spelt them out, it's been easier to rule people out who definitely haven't given me what I've wanted.

I'm interested to understand from those on the spectrum/ADHD/Aspergers how it has impacted their relationships because I've met a few people like this and would like to understand more about how the relationships may work.

@dancerinthemoonlight yeah I'm hoping the contact is a good sign. we spoke and agreed about wanting to settle down last week. the weekend thru me, so I asked yesterday if he was seeing anyone else and he said no, I went a bit further said I'd like to be exlusive couple, he didnt answer, said he has too much on to think about it, which I think is prob fair enough. he has asked for time and if I cant he wont hold it against me. I genuinely think he wants to get sorted and doesnt want to let me down or give false hope.

was your friend serious when they said that? people are def not all the same. it's very easy I think to criticise when ur looking in or already coupled but only u can make the decision. I have a single friend who's very critical and appears to have very high boundaries/standards when dating, she has never liked the idea of mr big and when I tell her he's back shell not be happy. however she is also caught up with a guy who doesnt fit all the 'standards' shes set but cant seem to let him go but she doesnt see it as similar.

re messaging. I love messaging lots but to be honest it's not always possible and if it is I'm not quite sure it's possible to keep it up thru a whole relationship. it has in the past given me anxiety, seeing someone online etc but no message from them. but I know from speaking on apps to a few irons, trying to message lots can take up lots of ur time. even if ur iron is only chatting to u, they have frirnds/family they may be texting and work etc to deal with. sometimes I dont have much to say tbh. I feel like in the past I've forced it. I'm trying to not place as much emphasis on messaging.

@crazycatlady20 reading this it doesn't sound great he doesn't have time to think about you being an exclusive couple. What is making you feel things are different?

@notcoolmum I know what u mean, if it was me I'd still talk about it but i think he just needs to deal with his current problems. find a job, sort out his Bill's, how he'll support his son etc. hes asked for time to sort himself out. if u done that then ur iron was insistent on talking about a potential relationship wouldnt u be a bit pissed off?

I'm feeling like it's different from the past because of what he said last week, I think losing his job has totally thrown him. I also think that still talking is good, in the past hes totally withdrawn and also when I've asked about relationship in the past he told me he just wanted good sex.

has anyone else here experienced a breakdown/meltdown? can u offer any advice on how I should deal with it?

I think he might hear back about a job today. should i assume that his stresses will be sorted and can then ask about us even tho hes asked for time.

apologies for lack of paragraphs, I do put them in but they disappear when posted.

@crazycatlady20 but if he can't even think about it then surely this shows he isn't currently able to have a relationship? My BF has lost his job recently. He talks to me about it and values my support.

@notcoolmum but surely not everyone deals with things the same way?

how do u support your BF?

I feel like if i push him on it, he will tell me to just move on then without him. I'm not afraid to ask (as the rules) I just feel like hes been clear asking for time and I should kind of respect that. I want to be there for him not push him away.

@crazycatlady20 no our relationship is different. We discuss our problems and support each other. We have been together for a while now.

I remember Matthew Hussey saying that a very minimum requirement was that the person would need to want to be in a relationship with me. It really is a very basic expectation. You posted a couple of weeks ago that you and Mr Big were giving it another go and agreed to be exclusive. And yet you seem to be having the same conversation again. Only this time he's less forthcoming?

I totally get the pull of some men. The feeling that it's different from other situations. And that those outside of it dont understand. I've been there. And sadly people outside of it saw it just as it was. We weren't different or special. He just wasn't that into me and we were classic Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl.

Ok... what you have to see here is that I think a lot of people either want to deal with things alone, which makes them not great team players, or it’s an excuse to try to avoid getting into something too serious.

On one hand it’s not a bad thing he is up front he needs to focus on his life, but this means he doesn’t see you as part of his current ‘team’. He wants space to deal with these issues - either because he doesn’t want to burden you with his problems, or because he is just independent and needs the space.

Mr R faced redundancy last week (they cut his hours and pay), his house sale has gone horribly wrong and he’s still got his DC 80% of the week so he is struggling with job hunting. He worries about burdening me but he’s keen to be in a ‘team’ where you can lean on someone else a little for moral support and then return the favour another time

This guy is not available or open to do this right now. He is a withdrawer and this is not going to bode well

Personally I would back right off from him and let him have this space.

I want to be there for him not push him away.

It doesn’t sound like he wants you to be there for him - if he is unloading all his problems onto you and won’t even answer your questions then he’s an emotional user

You can’t be there for someone who doesn’t value your support

@crazycatlady20 I see where you're coming from. Empathy and wanting to be supportive and giving people space are all great qualities. Sometimes though people need to find their own way through things and it doesn't leave them any energy or headspace for a relationship at the same time. It sounds like this is what he is saying to you. How much do you want to give for no promise of anything in return? What about your emotional needs?

thanks @menora

@cheerup I think you have written (a lot better) what I was trying to say. he did say he didnt want to drag me down with him.

I obviously wouldnt go on indefinitely like this but I'm not sure how long it will take. I was happy to leave it a few days/week to see how things go but I'm feeling very anxious again now after posting here and thinking I should be forcing him to either speak to me about things or walk away. I really dont want to walk away 😥 I really dont know what to do now.

As ever some really sound advice and objective views here for you crazycat. I have been grateful for that myself recently because sometimes when you are in the midst of something it's difficult to disengage your emotions and see what it looks like to those on the outside.
I understand that Mr Big draws you in and your instinct is to want to help and put things right for him - which in turn would lead to him being in a better place to date you properly. But he's asking for some space so I would be inclined to take a step back, reassure him that you are there if he needs you and see what happens. I am like you and worry that if I appear to walk away they might think I am not interested. But as we know if he's really into you and does want you in his life he won't let you go and will come back when he's ready.
You also need a bit of time to process your feelings. I think I'm right in saying that at the weekend you went from Mr Big to being exclusive with Mr Positive and now you are back to Mr Big. I think a few days of less emotional conflict would be good.

@crazycatlady20 I think I was just asking what made you feel it was different as he seems to be shutting you out. And not having the space to even think about you being exclusive (which was agreed a couple of weeks ago?) doesn't sound like a great place for you to be in. What makes you not to walk away when he seems to consistently fail to meet your needs? Have you read Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl? I think you see yourselves in some of the scenarios she outlines.

Of course you make your choices, I just wanted to understand a bit more why you felt things were different based on what you'd posted on here.

@crazycatlady20 I’m sorry the discussion here has made you more anxious, I’m sure that’s not what anyone wanted for you.

Of course you shouldn’t ‘force’ him to speak to you, that can never end well. But equally you don’t have to ‘do’ anything. Do nothing. Text only if he initiates, give him the space he needs and use it to calm yourself down and focus on YOU. Keep away from the apps. Give it a week and see how you feel. Because it’s only how YOU feel, what YOU need and what YOU feel able to give that matters.

@crazycatlady20 she was very serious when she said that. Even if she thinks it will go terribly wrong why voice it. I suspect I know the real reason why she doesn't approve and to be quite frank, I don't care anymore. I'm happy and that's what matters.
I had a very small social circle anyway, hopefully being able to go back to work in October and fingers crossed finding a job with a company rather than being self employed/freelance will give me the chance to make more and better friends.

@crazycatlady20, just read your last post and can sense that in your heightened state of anxiety you clearly just feel that you need an answer. I think Mr Big has told you where he is with things at the moment and if you keep pushing he may find that difficult.
In these situations I find I am better if I break the cycle of anxious thoughts by doing something else completely.
Being with someone is an active choice every day. You both have to want it. Let him show you now that he wants you. Give him space and he will give you his actions will give you your answer.

@TigerDater, is spot on as always. None of us want to make you feel anxious. We are on teamcrazycat and anything we say is in support of your well-being.

thanks everyone. I know the advice is all for my own good and can see it from both sides and would give friends the same advice. I'm from a family who dont really talk about their feelings and always put on a brave face so I know it's not as easy for people to open up etc.

I was calm before posting here, a little more unsettled now lol. I would like to have an answer one way or the other, but agree that he has told me where hes at and pushing it wouldnt be the right thing to do. i may try and see if hes feeling in a better place once he has sorted a job (hopefully today).

after his initial text I let him know I was still interested and happy to help if he needed anything. he has text a few times, just a few minutes ago actually.

I did go from mr positive, to mr big and back again etc at the weekend. not my finest hour.

@crazycatlady20 didn't intend to make you feel anxious. My advice is always well meant and because I have been there. And been hurt. Less of what they want. And more of what we want I say!!

@notcoolmum it's fine. it's not like I hadnt thought of what ud said before. I think I'd just processed it and made my decision and posting on here just made me think about it all again.

I do appreciate all the advice. i know i dont always follow it but i do appreciate it. thank you