Dating Thread 191 - Daters Gonna Date

[JeSuisPrest]

Props to @HairyArsedMan for the thread title - hopefully we'll be able to start dating again normally soon - grabbing a coffee, drink, dinner whatever. I wonder how many hours walking around parks, we've racked up on the last couple of threads.

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@Ant330 oh 😂
Well in that case-enough of MissB! This must have been going on for about the same amount of time as me and Mr Ad!

@dancerinthemoonlight that made me laugh. I had similar with my elderly, slightly deaf neighbour. He called me the wrong name for 3 years, although I did try to correct him he never heard, I even wrote clearly in Christmas cards etc. I was just too polite to loudly correct him.
A few months ago he stopped me in the street using my correct name, he asked why I had never corrected him

@30somethingandstillsingle she knows my name because I helped her with a cat situation a few years ago. I suppose it at least begins with the same letter as my name

Yes we met June last year but it's been very on/off since Feb.
Unfortunately I still remember her good qualities and do miss her. Also still feel guilty for saying no because she told me her daughter had given her a hard time about it.
Said she realised she'd properly cocked it up this time and I'd had enough. Promised not to do it again, but I've been there before and don't want to be with somebody who is willing to push beyond breaking point before they accept they're doing anything wrong.
It's not all one-sided I'm sure, and whilst there were lots of reasons we got on, we clearly weren't as compatible as we both hoped 🤷‍♂️

I am normally a lurker and quiet taker in of advice on here but wanted to ask you wise people your opinion.

I have been talking to this guy since before lockdown and seeing him in person twice a week for about 2 months, since lockdown eased. Lets call him Mr Technology.

I seem to have a similar issue to a few others on here. He just doesn't make me feel important at all. His communication is a bit naff but its not the be all and end all. Its always me who suggests a meet up but then he always shows up on time, is attentive etc, even if he never gives me compliments or rarely makes me feel special. If I mention it he just says "I'm here arent I".

Anyway. We are supposed to be meeting tomorrow evening for dinner. I suggested the day and he said he'd make arrangements. Communication has been a bit crap this week and I have no idea what we are doing. Then something happened today that has made me feel a bit shit. What are your thoughts on this? Am I being over sensitive? I do have PMT so not sure if its that...

I text him this morning to ask the plans for tomorrow evening. He responded saying he was thinking of me. I ask in what way and the messages got a bit naughty. No issue there, we sext quite often. We exchanged a few naughty messages and then he went quiet for the rest of the day. This was about 11am. I text him half an hour ago to ask again about the plans and I said "Thanks for starting something then leaving me hanging earlier ;)" He just text back, "Yeah, I had to finish, shower then meet my friend for some drinks". I genuinely feel a bit used. Am I being a complete OTT dick? He quickly apologised and said he'd make it up to me but I just want to cancel tomorrow night and possibly just end things now. I am going to leave it for tonight and see how I feel tomorrow but he just made me feel shit.

What are your thoughts please?

@LivingMyBestLife2020 I'd not be best pleased to be left mid sext. It's ride. At the very least I'd expect an apology for having to leave and a promise to pick up where he left off.

Happy 40th @Menora 🥂🎂

@LivingMyBestLife2020

This is something I think a few of us are grappling with?

Like you I swing between “I’m just not that important to him” and “it’s only messaging calm down” with one of my irons.

I do think that it’s more normal now for eligible men to take a socially passive role (and this has NOTHING to do with how into the woman they are or how good a partner they might be?)

I mean personally I read the Rules when I was younger (how dated is the advice now!) and it’s all about men “chasing”

But the reality of dating for me (as I’m attractive but not a supermodel) is if I restrict my dates to the men who “chase” me I end up with desperate types or guys I’m not attracted to so I’m trying to strike a balance now!

And it’s not like the men who “chase” treat me particularly well - often they seem to be also chasing lots of other women!

So I’m detaching my “I’m not attractive enough!” ego side and seeing the complete picture?

Though I expect I’ll fall into a rage again over (lack of) messages I’m only human

Maybe some questions to think about are:

• how are your dates? Is he just waiting for invites to come over to yours at the last minute? What’s happening there?

• is he generally a good communicator with other people (do you think he is explicitly trying to “backbench” you socially whilst being keener on others) or just a passive guy socially?

• have you got some childhood insecurities that maybe he’s triggering a bit? I’ve realised that as my childhood and early 20’s were spent feeling like a rejected weirdo (then I became more comfortable) I STILL feel like if someone is less than 159% enthusiastic about me all the time I’m back there again? But of course men I’m dating have jobs and lives too. And the reality is a guy would need to be friendless and unemployed to have the headspace to pay me constant attention.

• how is your life apart from dating? If I feel insecure in my day to day life I need a lot of reassurance from whoever I’m “into”.

• can you adjust your dating life to make yourself more comfortable? If you’re dating exclusively could you take a step back, stay in touch, but date others to see what else is out there?

I don’t think it’s an easy decision to make for anyone - my theory is if you feel that strong connection when you’re together it then feels “worse” if the after communication is shit?

Happy Birthday @menora

lots of lovely updates in the last few days.

@tigerdater thanks for asking. I've not wanted to post. I was still a bit up in the air yesterday and called things off with mr positive. I knew that if mr big got in touch I'd talk and go back, so wasnt feeling it 100% and didnt think it was fair on mr positive. mr positive wants a relationship and wants to go quite quick. he keeps texting me tho.

mr big did get in touch yesterday (I had only blocked on whatsapp) to say he'd lost his job and wasnt coping well and asked for some time. I do believe him. we've been texting a bit. i feel a lot calmer about everything.

i know this goes against all sensible advice/rules but I really felt something had changed the other week when mr big came back - in a good way. I do want to try, I am really drawn to him and I also dont want to give up on him cos hes struggling a bit.

@LivingMyBestLife2020 i think that would annoy me too personally. But you are seeing him twice a week anyway so maybe he doesn't think he needs to communicate much. It actually says in my profile that regular communication is a must for me and I've told people if I don't hear for a day or two, I delete (as I recognise it's something that really gets on my nerves!)

[quote Bunkbedpeople]@LivingMyBestLife2020

This is something I think a few of us are grappling with?

Like you I swing between “I’m just not that important to him” and “it’s only messaging calm down” with one of my irons.

I do think that it’s more normal now for eligible men to take a socially passive role (and this has NOTHING to do with how into the woman they are or how good a partner they might be?)

I mean personally I read the Rules when I was younger (how dated is the advice now!) and it’s all about men “chasing”

But the reality of dating for me (as I’m attractive but not a supermodel) is if I restrict my dates to the men who “chase” me I end up with desperate types or guys I’m not attracted to so I’m trying to strike a balance now!

And it’s not like the men who “chase” treat me particularly well - often they seem to be also chasing lots of other women!

So I’m detaching my “I’m not attractive enough!” ego side and seeing the complete picture?

Though I expect I’ll fall into a rage again over (lack of) messages I’m only human

Maybe some questions to think about are:

• how are your dates? Is he just waiting for invites to come over to yours at the last minute? What’s happening there?

• is he generally a good communicator with other people (do you think he is explicitly trying to “backbench” you socially whilst being keener on others) or just a passive guy socially?

• have you got some childhood insecurities that maybe he’s triggering a bit? I’ve realised that as my childhood and early 20’s were spent feeling like a rejected weirdo (then I became more comfortable) I STILL feel like if someone is less than 159% enthusiastic about me all the time I’m back there again? But of course men I’m dating have jobs and lives too. And the reality is a guy would need to be friendless and unemployed to have the headspace to pay me constant attention.

• how is your life apart from dating? If I feel insecure in my day to day life I need a lot of reassurance from whoever I’m “into”.

• can you adjust your dating life to make yourself more comfortable? If you’re dating exclusively could you take a step back, stay in touch, but date others to see what else is out there?

I don’t think it’s an easy decision to make for anyone - my theory is if you feel that strong connection when you’re together it then feels “worse” if the after communication is shit?[/quote]
@Bunkbedpeople some great questions there!

Our dates are good. They are mostly at mine as I have a toddler. I Always initiate even though he knows I have time during the week as work Part time and my toddler is at nursery. He works from home on his own business and told me From the start he can be super flexible. I can think of one occasion he’s asked when I’m free. I usually ask about once a week (so it’s not that I’m dead keen and getting there first).

He spends a lot of time cycling and with his brothers. He’s online a lot and is the type to read a message and reply the next day. I don’t know how he is with others. He never touches his phone when he’s with me.

I don’t think he’s triggering anything but I used to be a younger, slimmer, more attractive version of myself and always had the pick of the dates. Now I’m a bit soft round the middle, have aged and have a child so I certainly don’t have the pick like I used to. Maybe there is some part of me that is seeking validation from him rather than just being me. I had thought I was pretty accepting of myself actually so that’s given me something to think about, thank you.

My life away from dating is great. I’m at the start of a massive career change, loving being a mum (I’ve struggled until recently) and I feel very contented. Maybe I don’t need a man at all. Maybe a part time one like this guy is the best option. I just want someone to share things with and spend some time with.

You are right. I am exclusive. We’ve never had the chat but he’s implied I’m the only person (he literally gives nothing away. His idea of a compliment is him saying I look ok for someone who’s had a sleepless night and been up since 5) 🤣 I am very aware that this may not be the case. I think today was the first time I’d wondered actually about who he was going for a drink with. Maybe subconsciously, that’s what has touched a nerve?
I’ve just restarted Hinge to have a browse. I don’t get responses like I used to which is a bit of a confidence knock.

He’s text a lot this evening (not like him really) He knows he’s touched a nerve with me and has been very apologetic. I’m reading too much into everything now so I’ll reassess in the morning. He’s a great guy, we get on well, live very locally but there is something missing and I’m not sure that is from my side. I do worry I’m too picky and what I want doesn’t exist. I’m chasing rocking horse shit! 🤣

Thank you so much for giving me that to think about :)

@crazycatlady20 you know Mr Big better than us and how he is with dealing with things. Sometimes you have to take that leap of faith and hope for the best

[quote Eesha]@LivingMyBestLife2020 i think that would annoy me too personally. But you are seeing him twice a week anyway so maybe he doesn't think he needs to communicate much. It actually says in my profile that regular communication is a must for me and I've told people if I don't hear for a day or two, I delete (as I recognise it's something that really gets on my nerves!)[/quote]
@Eesha I have done the same with my profile! It says something like I’m not looking for a pen pal, but I do expect a response within 24 hours. I know people are busy, I get that. It just gets my goat when your message is read and then it’s the next day before it’s replied to. If somebody can’t make 1 minute of time for you its a real turn off for me.

@LivingMyBestLife2020 my advice is to call him to make arrangements . So much quicker and easier a 5-10 min call than texting and waiting. Save texts for the flirting and sexting and fun but practical arrangements phone is so much better.

Hello folks, haven't been on for a while, nice to see all these new people and big waves to the oldtimers!

Interesting to see these last few posts, as they touch on the subject I've come for advice on- infrequent messaging.

So, I had a first date with Mr Sparky the week before lockdown, didn't see him again for another couple of months, had a couple of socially distanced dates, snogging session on date 4, and went to bed with him on date 5, two weeks ago!

Things are very, very stretched out, even as lockdown is easing, because we have our kids on alternate weekends (his are teens so he can leave them for a few hours, but of course that's dependent on me getting a babysitter, which hasn't become an option again until relatively recently). We usually have ONE night a fortnight when we're both free, which is great . Throw into the mix the fact that he's been ill (not COVID!) for a couple of weeks, and went on holiday last week, and things have been progressing at a positively glacial rate.

We have a LOT in common- similar interests, mutual friends, can chat for hours, the sex was great....it seems like a goer. But.....the messaging. He's capable of not messaging for a couple of days if he's ill or busy, and, I have to be honest, it sends me up the wall. Triggers my anxiety, stops me sleeping, has me imagining all kinds of things. It drives me mad because I'm not normally like this. Otherwise, he seems to be really into me: goes out of his way to meet up, has mentioned me meeting his kids etc, but, given we meet so infrequently, the lack of messaging is leaving me really insecure.

So, I came on to ask: What's normal, in terms of messaging? - and, also, it seems clear that I'm going to have to say something to him- not accusatory, but I think I should let him know that it's upsetting me, and at the same time I think we need to have a chat about where this thing is heading- I'm terrible at phrasing things, if anybody could help me with how to put it that would be great!

Oh, and LivingMyBestLife yep, funnily enough I've got PMT too at the moment! I have made a rule for myself not to do ANYTHING drastic while I'm under its influence

Jane1978 that's great advice to call to make arrangements. I should switch to doing that with everyone, to be honest.

@Bunkbedpeople love your post, thank you, really helpful to me right now as I’m trying hard to not overthink/overinvest in an OLD I met up with last week (2 dates so far).

He’s really busy with work and kids whereas I’m kicking my heels (furloughed and no kids at home now) so trying hard not to think too much about the fact I instigate most messaging chats, even though he always responds quickly and positively. I’m also in contact with another couple of guys (one OLD, the other an old friend - long story!) so I’m trying to keep my options on! Your post was spot on!

@dancerinthemoonlight thanks. he has had a pretty up and down year tbh. I think in the past he has just withdrawn from me totally but this time he is staying in touch. I'm happy to take a back seat just now and see what happens when hes feeling better. he knows this too.

I feel settled for the minute. i think it helps just not being on the apps, it does frazzle ur head a bit. I'm happy of the break from the constant new getting to know people chats.

@crackofdoom - just read your post!! I feel your pain, read “he’s capable of not messaging for a couple of days if he’s ill or busy, I have to be honest, it drives me up the wall” and thought, wait, are you me??!!

I have lost all concept on what is ‘normal’ with regards messaging, Is there a normal??!! It is sooooo frustrating!!

@crackofdoom

Hello folks, haven't been on for a while, nice to see all these new people and big waves to the oldtimers!

Interesting to see these last few posts, as they touch on the subject I've come for advice on- infrequent messaging.

So, I had a first date with Mr Sparky the week before lockdown, didn't see him again for another couple of months, had a couple of socially distanced dates, snogging session on date 4, and went to bed with him on date 5, two weeks ago!

Things are very, very stretched out, even as lockdown is easing, because we have our kids on alternate weekends (his are teens so he can leave them for a few hours, but of course that's dependent on me getting a babysitter, which hasn't become an option again until relatively recently). We usually have ONE night a fortnight when we're both free, which is great . Throw into the mix the fact that he's been ill (not COVID!) for a couple of weeks, and went on holiday last week, and things have been progressing at a positively glacial rate.

We have a LOT in common- similar interests, mutual friends, can chat for hours, the sex was great....it seems like a goer. But.....the messaging. He's capable of not messaging for a couple of days if he's ill or busy, and, I have to be honest, it sends me up the wall. Triggers my anxiety, stops me sleeping, has me imagining all kinds of things. It drives me mad because I'm not normally like this. Otherwise, he seems to be really into me: goes out of his way to meet up, has mentioned me meeting his kids etc, but, given we meet so infrequently, the lack of messaging is leaving me really insecure.

So, I came on to ask: What's normal, in terms of messaging? - and, also, it seems clear that I'm going to have to say something to him- not accusatory, but I think I should let him know that it's upsetting me, and at the same time I think we need to have a chat about where this thing is heading- I'm terrible at phrasing things, if anybody could help me with how to put it that would be great!

Oh, and LivingMyBestLife yep, funnily enough I've got PMT too at the moment! I have made a rule for myself not to do ANYTHING drastic while I'm under its influence

@crackofdoom it’s tough isn’t it! I know the rules and all that but it can’t stop you feeling a bit crap when you don’t get a response.

I’ve just text him now (in response to one of his many apologies this evening) and asked if he’s seeing anybody else. We spoke about it the other night and I told him he was the only one I was dating and he never gave me a straight answer, but I never directly asked the question either. He said it was just me and he never said at the time as it would sound like he was just saying what I wanted to hear and copying me. I think this guy is going to be too hard work. It’s like trying to break a military code!

HalfDutchGirl I know....comparing him with the last few people I've been with, I'm trying to remember if they've messaged more...the last one did, but the last 3 men I've been with haven't had a life, really. Work, but no friends, and not many hobbies. This one is really busy doing loads of interesting stuff (some of which I'm involved with, too- we did meet through Bumble, but also recognised each other from our joint interest), and also has loads of friends- which is a massively positive thing, overall.

I think that if I knew what was going on with us, and that this is just the way he is with messaging, it wouldn't faze me. It's the not knowing that drives me mad.....

Definitely, the next time we meet up, I need to instigate a Serious Chat.

I’ve just text him now (in response to one of his many apologies this evening) and asked if he’s seeing anybody else. We spoke about it the other night and I told him he was the only one I was dating and he never gave me a straight answer, but I never directly asked the question either. He said it was just me and he never said at the time as it would sound like he was just saying what I wanted to hear and copying me. I think this guy is going to be too hard work. It’s like trying to break a military code!

Possibly....Or maybe you know now that you have to ask him things directly?? (autistic here, so I have some sympathy!)

@crackofdoom

I’ve just text him now (in response to one of his many apologies this evening) and asked if he’s seeing anybody else. We spoke about it the other night and I told him he was the only one I was dating and he never gave me a straight answer, but I never directly asked the question either. He said it was just me and he never said at the time as it would sound like he was just saying what I wanted to hear and copying me. I think this guy is going to be too hard work. It’s like trying to break a military code!

Possibly....Or maybe you know now that you have to ask him things directly?? (autistic here, so I have some sympathy!)

@crackofdoom this is exactly what so have just said to him. I’ll ask him more direct questions. I did wonder if he is in the spectrum. My ex husband is in the same line of work as this guy and he was definitely on the spectrum to his own admission. It’s a very technical job and they do share very similar traits with how they show emotion thinking about it. It’s definitely something to bare in mind. Thank you

You’ve all been so helpful tonight, thank you.
Ive left the conversation tonight asking him to let me know the arrangements in the morning (I’m still non the wiser) I’ve stated when I’m free and that I’m happy with whatever he chooses 😉

I’ve taken from tonight that so need to be mite direct with him and if I’m worried, curious etc, just ask him the question.

Night all

Great, just got a message from Mr Sparky, now I can sleep tonight .

Actually, the last one I sent him was deliberately a bit leading, to see how he would respond. On Sunday, he was on his way back from holiday, while I was camping on Dartmoor. He suggested meeting up, as it was on his way, which led to us meeting in a lovely Dartmoor village (eventually- apparently the M5 was having an off day ). I wanted to go for some massively ambitious walk, at which point he revealed that he only had an hour and a half, as he had to be back for his kids.

So I went for the walk on my own, and sent him some photos with "Wish you'd come, but I couldn't imagine being with anyone who didn't put their kids first. Here's to many future adventures!", just to see how he'd respond to chat about the future, really. He's just replied to that with a big red heart, so I guess that's a positive response then

I’ve learnt if messaging is creating stress address it once, wait a week and leave if nothing changes. Actually, in this process leave nothing to chance. It can make you quite fatigued and anxious and quite simply once you do find a person who does respect you you’ll be surprised to discover how easy you feel around them. Don’t make yourself anxious. It’s/they are not worth it. To the lady who was left hanging after some sexting. Move on.