Dating Thread 191 - Daters Gonna Date

[JeSuisPrest]

Props to @HairyArsedMan for the thread title - hopefully we'll be able to start dating again normally soon - grabbing a coffee, drink, dinner whatever. I wonder how many hours walking around parks, we've racked up on the last couple of threads.

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@NestOfSwipers I haven’t really told a lot of people that I have been dating since lockdown. I myself have decided it’s worth the risk and we have discussed whether we have symptoms etc. We both work from home, we don’t be out and about much outside of family, but being really honest there is a part of me that doesn’t really care I just want someone for me!
But I understand the anxiety some people could have. I’m sure some of my more cautious friends and family will raise an eyebrow at what I’m doing!

@Dancerinthemoonlight @NestOfSwipers @ZoZoBo

Sounds really cynical, but off this thread I’ve learned to keep my dating life to myself - I’ve actually drifted away from a lot of friends as I’ve realised they often don’t have my best interests at heart, and dating is one of the areas they will exert control in (under the guise of “being sensible” or “being concerned for you”).

they like the idea of me as comedy single mate who they can control and patronise and look down on,

or don’t like the idea that as a single reasonably content and attractive woman I can do a few messages and go out and date decent normal blokes who are attractive and treat me well and happen to be better prospects on paper than their own partners

@Bunkbedpeople I completely get why you would do that. I thought my friend would be happy for me as I have finally found someone I can talk to about anything, who treats me well and genuinely makes me happy. He doesn't need to be such a hot sleeper though, I suppose you can't have perfection in a single man.
Think I'm going to need to get a bigger bed, 6ft 6 Mr S makes my bed look tiny. He has even said he needs to get a bigger bed as he is cramped in his on his own.
I shouldn't have had a nap earlier as now I'm too hot and wide awake

dancer I’ve just been baking/about to do yoga and meditation Had a drink with my bad tinder meet and ended up sleeping in the evening too and now I am 🥺 looking for stuff to do.

It’s interesting how a lot of threadies have commented on experiencing stress etc when dating

As a nation, we’re all just a lot more confident talking about and reviewing mental health which is great.

I do find dating generally triggers a lot of stress/anxiety/past trauma in me which I’m managing as I go along.

I mean I’m definitely not a gibbering wreck in person though I’ve been close at times, but it’s all there internally

I don’t want to completely detach and “have a long break” as I find that turns me even weirder

I’m trying to keep up with routine/holistic stuff/exercise etc as when dating I think it’s quite easy to end up on an emotional rollercoaster which combined with the “routine changes” (nights with new people, drinking and eating differently than usual, late nights and last minute travel) can send me over the edge a bit.

@bunkbedpeople I'm currently sitting on the floor next to my bed wearing Mr S hoody. I have a painful shoulder at the moment as I dislocated it a few days ago so I can't get it into a comfortable position. I don't want to keep disturbing him by moving about trying to get comfortable. All I want to do it to get it into a nice position where it doesn't hurt and fall asleep cuddling him. He has to work in a few hours and I don't so he needs his sleep

@bunkbedpeople hope you managed to get some sleep aswell last night. I managed a few hours but will get a few more hours when I go back to bed in a minute. Mr S has just left for work.
Im really liking sleeping next to him at night (minus the over heating and snoring) and I miss it when he is not here. It's like I have just adjusted to it and then I'm not seeing him for a few days. A bigger bed would probably help so I'm going to measure my room and see how much space I would lose. When Mr S got in last night he could tell something was wrong and held me until I was ready to tell him and then got annoyed on my behalf.
I'm trying to keep as normal routine as I can at the moment to get me through the rest of lockdown until I can work again. It's looking like my industry can start to open up in October so that's something to look forward to.
I used to find dating really stressful - what do I wear, I need to do my makeup, what if we don't get on in person and then the anxiety of if they will text or not etc. I don't have any of that with Mr S. I have seen him 6/7 times, only worn makeup twice, just wear what I think looks good on me now and there is none of the will he ghost me or not anxiety.

@NestOfSwipers I have seen two irons over the lockdown, both got very close and intimate, no sex. I didn't tell anyone I was meeting anyone, only one family member for safety sake. I don't tell friends because they are in relationships and judge me for having taken a risk. I was berated for having a haircut 2 weeks before official (in my home) so the fact that I went on the date will be a big talking point! With both my last irons, we were socially isolating and very careful so it felt ok.

Ok this might have been done to death but people's thoughts on how soon to sleep with someone? I last waited 4 months, seeing them fortnightly prior. Ive never been one to rush sex with people. With current iron, we have only seen each other twice, over a couple of weeks but I can feel there is a huge physical draw. We've agreed dating exclusively for now because of covid and both not wanting to see anyone else yet/wanting to see how we go. But in my mind, on paper, I feel as though I should wait longer as we have only had 2 dates and I want to see if this thing has legs. The other part thinks there are no guarantees in life and if it's not going to work, it won't. Im a bit torn on what 'the right thing to do' is.

@Eesha
I dont think there is a one size fits all.
Do what you are comfortable with and what feels natural.

Personally sex is right near the top of my criteria list so i think sex early on is really important to make sure we're sexually compatible.

I dont want to get to the point where I've been chatting and dating for months, really like someone and the sex is shit.

@SortingItOut i believe we are very sexually compatible due to what we have done so far but psychologically I'm thinking to wait in the hope I can get more guarantees (even though I know that isn't really possible!)

@Eesha I thought I would want to wait longer but I did not know this man a month ago and we spent the night together on our second date I felt such a physical response to him on our first date that I really wanted to have sex with him but also (and it refers to dating bringing out traumas and stress) I really wanted to see if I could have sex with someone else. My ex made me feel I was really bad at it and that was always on my mind. My iron was quite clear that good sex is important to him so I really wanted to see were we good together before I get more invested. But it is definitely not a one size fits all approach - what works for you personally is what is right.
@Bunkbedpeople your comment about keeping your dating life to yourself struck a cord. I feel the same, although instead of being the comedy single person I’m the sad pity party needing sympathy and probably patronising which is so far from the truth it’s funny!
I also think they’d be secretly jealous of me meeting a hot man for sex in a lovely location

#bunkbed .. just one good ‘ear’ is all that is needed. Mostly single friends are curious although I don’t for the life of me describe what I am capable of (aka; The Great Fling)..😂

@Eesha
If you've already done things together then surely sex is the next natural step.
You're much more restrained than me!!!

I know psychologically you want to wait as more guarantee but surely better to know early on whether he is just using you for sex rather than get invested and then dumped.

@Eesha it’s really down to you and everyone has their different comfort levels and zones. I don’t think there’s any guarantees.

If you feel comfortable and things are headed easily in that direction that’s great but also if you want to wait longer that’s also ok. Some good guys want sex, some bad guys will just want to go for coffee dates 🤷‍♀️

It’s not the end of the world either way and whatever happens.

Well my instincts about Mr Musician were right - he just texted to say he 'doesn't have the right feelings for anything long term'. Ridiculous how gutted I feel.

@Mattietoes Sorry to hear that, hope your next two irons are more promising - we’ve all been there

I’ve got a message from my fantasist guy from yesterday which I really don’t want to respond to - suppose contacting me makes a break from dating supermodels and socialising with US presidents though

I swiped a bit on hinge. Even had a phone call and lots of chats with an iron. Just been on and he's unmatched me.
Couple others but no good chat.
Just matched with someone on tinder, I messaged, nothing back yet.

Just feel a bit meh with it all.

Mr Swan is coming for dinner tomorrow, first time we've been together in person since March (other than in the office a couple weeks ago).

@Mattietoes sorry to hear but your instincts will rarely be wrong.

@Eesha I'm of the opinion to do what I want regarding sex! I'm old enough and wise enough to know what I want and now at an age when the thought of babies won't come into the equation. As long as you can deal with any consequences after sleeping with them then do whatever you want.

@Mattietoes of I'm sorry to hear about Mr Musician, it's not ridiculous to feel gutted, deep inside I guess we all hope for the right man to suddenly appear and when one appears to be ticking the boxes it's a gutter.

@HalfDutchGirl i agree, i keep thinking I'm a grown woman and should just do what I want! But the other part thinks 2 dates so far is too early.

@Eesha

You could just meet and see where the night takes you?

Definitely feeling the emotional “meh” here a bit - lockdown dating was quite exhausting in a way (thinking about social distancing etc)

And the whole exams/illness/intense bloke in the military thing burnt me out a lot!

Front runner is on nights this week and has a week off before moving

and although work stresses etc etc

I’m feeling a bit like I’m being put in the role of “organiser” which I’m not comfortable with? Mental load and all that.

I need some honest responses here. I have got myself into a complicated situation.
I am primarily seeing Mr Van and for the most part I like him and we get on well. But something is missing. I am not sure if it's him or me but I don't know if I can allow myself to believe he is really committed to wanting a relationship with me. In the background remains Mr Cocky, supposedly FWB but it's a messed up situation and in reality has been going on too long though neither of us seems able to walk away. Had a silly situation this evening. Although I have not told him about Mr Van I get very upset when I think he's seeing other women. And I am still chatting as friends with my last proper ex who also doesn't know I am seeing someone. Why do I find honesty in these situations so difficult?

@Onesmallstep67

My honest opinion..... harsh and kind

Harsh - it has gone on too long with Van and Cocky and neither of them are suitable or have what it takes to make it work with you. Whether it’s them, or you, no one knows - but it doesn’t work. You are flogging a dead horse over and over with these 2, something is missing and it won’t appear the longer you hang around. You are reluctant to let them go as they aren’t that bad but at the same time, they aren’t really that good and you are denying yourself the chance to be happy keeping them around. They don’t make you happy

Kind: you deserve more than they are gonna give to you. I think Mr Cocky has a hold on you and letting go of him for good would actually set you free. Life is short. Why are you spending it with and around people who don’t fulfil you

Oh and for the sex advice - do what feels right. If it’s too soon then wait. Don’t rush into something you don’t want to! But don’t worry about what other people think.

Onesmallstep as usual menora is right - if either were giving you what you need/want then the other would not be an issue

I have a second date with my iron from a week ago 😁 i will call him MrRednap - because he had a resemblance to jamie - not Harry 🤣

I'm intrigued by him. I didn't expect anything from the date really but he was quite surprising and I liked him and we had fun. Not sure if anything more could come of it as he has even less freetime than me and whilst his contact has been consistent it hasnt been flirty at all like usual irons but im looking forward to seeing him again 😊

Thank you @Menora, I know that the situation with Mr Cocky is definitely dragging me down. I get pretty upset when things get strange between us and I don't need that. Mr Van I think deserves a time limit because as such since we started giving things a second go he hasn't really faltered. It's more a case of is he the right person for me and can he give me what I need ? I have other stuff happening in the background of my life and now doesn't feel like the right time to be heading back onto the apps.