Dating Thread 191 - Daters Gonna Date

[JeSuisPrest]

Props to @HairyArsedMan for the thread title - hopefully we'll be able to start dating again normally soon - grabbing a coffee, drink, dinner whatever. I wonder how many hours walking around parks, we've racked up on the last couple of threads.

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Mr S paid for the pizza the first date and for the arcade games a week ago. I prepared the picnic and drove. He is very much old fashioned when it comes to paying.
It makes me feel awkward as I'm used to paying my own way (and sometimes for previous irons) It's lovely to be treated but I'm going to make sure that the next proper date we go on I will pay.
We are doing a mix of at home dates and going places

Quick update on Mr Surprises. He responded to my message saying it felt like I was being friend zoned by saying “I’m not romantic, sorry.” I replied with “I’m not asking for romantic, just a bit of an incling of if you like me?” Not heard a thing in hours 😂 so that answers that. Another one bites the dust.

I do have a back up friend with benefits but I need to be careful with him. We were in a relationship a few years ago but the time wasn’t right for me and I hurt him. We’ve stayed friends and he’s made it clear he’s available for sex but I worry about his feelings and possibly mine I guess

Thank you to all who responded to my cry for help! I ended up calling to ex’s place as he asked me to come to talk but I had read your messages just before which helped me be strong.
We had a very emotional conversation but he is definitely looking to get back with me because it is easier than his life now! He won’t admit that but it’s true.
Anyway hopefully my date with Mr BlueEyes goes ahead - he’s gone a bit quiet today... this stuff is hard!!!
I need an early night as my head is pounding from dealing with it all.

@30somethingandstillsingle I'd want a bit more detail before I made a decision. I went to Europe for a party once as a date burnt was very relaxed, I knew someone other than my date and it wasn't the end of the world to get home if I needed to.

I'd want to know who is paying (you, him, work). What work he is doing when he gets there. What is expected of him in social hours. What is expected of you in social hours (meeting/entertaining clients/colleagues). How will you be introduced. What's the protocol on you being there. Would he normally have taken his wife. Do people there know his wife. How long will you be alone etc. What time will you have together.

It's a long way to go for something quite formal with someone you have just met. A weekend away in Europe and i would encourage you to go like a shot. I'd be a bit more considered about this one. But a free trip to America is exciting!

I like being treated by dates. And bar one in the last couple of years, they have been quite old fashioned and offered to pay. I do chip in with drinks, taxis etc. I don't have a lot of spare cash and so it would really limit what we could do I paid half. I def wouldn't expect a man to pay for a holiday though. But a meal or a hotel I would, and do, accept.

@MummyGoingItAlone

Yeh what is it with the brief or non existent messages?

I mean I’m sure you’re not expecting poetry or “hi babe
you're cute” messages every morning but some enthusiasm is nice?

I had a blazing WhatsApp row with MrMilitary and I was like “cool so guess we’re friend-zoned now due to lack of contact but we’ll stay in touch ”?

“No, we’re not, I’m not happy with that, we’re getting together romantically. You keep pushing me away. ”.

I don’t think my response was that polite .

I think I’ll give in and try and stay in touch as it seems a shame to waste the great physical chat and in-person connection (and I’m not planning on being head over heels with anyone else) but the shit contact drives me mad (and I wouldn’t say I’m a needy person).

@30somethingandstillsingle

I agree it does sound like a great opportunity to go if you want to - as long as you gave the means to travel/get home independently (maybe even have some time to yourself to check out the country solo?) .

If it’s a military function I expect there’ll be plenty of guests and plus ones who don’t immediately know each other so you can just enjoy the ceremony and novelty of it.

From my limited knowledge (British) they are usually set out to be very welcoming to new dates and girlfriends (a bit old fashioned and chivalrous but it’s kind of cute!)

@ZoZoBo hahaha bet you never imagined you’d have your ex fighting for you now!

I think maybe it might be good to just shut off all these men for a bit (I don’t mean burn any bridges but don’t emotionally engage ) and not feel you have to come to any immediate decisions or “choose a side”.

It’s your emotional life, your wellbeing, you have control, you can have two men or one or none if you like.

@Bunkbedpeople thanks that’s good advice. I don’t need to be stressing about men I have enough of that going on...😬

@Bunkbedpeople it’s so frustrating! I know texting isn’t the be all and end all but it really irritates me. Especially when he’s always online and reads my messages straight away, but then takes hours or the next day to reply. It just makes me feel so unimportant. The actual messages themselves are often pretty dull. He never asks me out, it’s always me who plans things, which he happily goes along with.

We had a brief text chat last night about it and he just said he wanted to continue and see where it goes and he thought he was showing interest, which he isn’t. Even in that conversation he never once said he liked me or was enjoying my company. I’ve said ball is in his court, if he wants to see me then he can make the effort. I don’t think he will. I just feel like if he can’t even say he likes me or be flirty after 3 months, numerous dates and sex, when he’s supposed to be impressing and wooing me, then there’s little chance of a loving relationship?

I’m back on the apps now and had nothing yet. God it’s hard 😂

Morning all!

Had another 'date' with Mr Poppet last night. I have a horrible habit of overthinking, and he is a very laid back, go with the flow kinda guy, so I am trying to get out of my head a bit....

That said, grateful for your thoughts on whether this has potential?

Bit of a timeline:

Thursday last week - we match on Tinder and start talking

Friday - we realise we had a few friends in common, and he asks me out for a drink this week (suggesting either Wednesday or Thursday)

Saturday - texting a bit throughout the day, and then in the evening the messages get a bit hot and heavy - BUT, he is not a dick pic kinda guy or asking for nudes, it was mostly just talking about the kinda things we are into etc.

Sunday - I have a childfree day and had mentioned I was going to go for a long walk. He messaged me that afternoon saying he was nearby with the kids if I fancied a quick chance encounter just to say hello and hopefully remove any nerves of the 'first meeting' before our drinks. I ended up spending a couple of hours with them, he invited me back to his flat for a cup of tea before giving me a lift home.

Monday - He sent a good morning text at 6am, he suggests bringing our drinks forward to Monday night, but said that because he had an early start on Tuesday it would have to be a quick one or that we could do Tuesday night instead if I prefer. I said Monday night is fine by me, and he said "great, and then maybe we could reacquaint on Tuesday if all goes well". He picked me up and we went to my local for a drink, spent about 90 minutes together. The conversation really flowed, when we left we walked to his car and he ran ahead to open the car door for me which was sweet. We kissed goodbye in his car when he dropped me off, and as I got out and walked round to the pavement he undid his window and suggested seeing each other on Tuesday or Wednesday.

Tuesday - another good morning text at 6am, and I replied asking if he was free to do something that evening. He said he would love to see me but...

"I like you. I think you're cute, and I find you extremely sexy...and I know if I was to come round something is very likely to happen. But the thing is I wasn't even on tinder this time last week and I didn't expect anything to happen so quickly. And I''m not sure if I'm ready for a commitment or relationship. You might not even be thinking that but I just wouldn't want you to feel like you are being used. So I'd like to apologise for kissing you last night - it was wonderful, but I am sorry if you now feel led on".

I responded saying we were on the same page - I only left my husband a couple of months ago, not ready for a relationship, but that said I really like him and enjoy spending time with him and would like to do that more if he would like to. And that if sex happens between two consenting adults then it isn't a problem.

So he came over last night, we had a drink, and obviously ended up in the bedroom. It was without a doubt the best sex I've ever had, but not only that, we spent about three hours in bed together - a lot of time just laying there naked, cuddling, him stroking my arm and back and even stroking his feet against mine whilst we talked about anything and everything. It was just very intimate. He's also a gardener, and when he left he was suggesting doing some work on my (large but awful) garden "in exchange for a cup of tea and your company".

We spoke again after he left and both said we would like to do it again some time.

This morning I got another 6am good morning text.

Sorry for the essay!! But I'm very new to dating and I guess what I want to know is - neither of us are ready for a relationship, but does this sound like a casual thing or something that might evolve into something more serious with time?

PurpleMackington I think it sounds casual ish for now but there's scope for it to progress- for what it's worth, I admire you both for having that conversation so early on. I think some people (maybe even you) will get the idea that what he said about it being very soon and not wanting anything serious is his way of saying he wants to play the field a bit. If exclusivity is important to you (not necessarily a label, just not sleeping with other people) then that's the next grown up conversation to have, just to ensure you're both on the same page. If it were me I'd just enjoy it for what it is and keep being honest with each other, it sounds as though you're doing a good job of that so far!
MrC and I are still going fairly strong. We've also had some difficult conversations recently about the future but I've aired my concerns and he responded well so we're carrying on. When we're together we have such a good time, just not seeing each other as much as I would like at the moment.
Always reading, rarely commenting, but happy for those of you that have found good ones! Zo I'm glad you've worked out your exs motivations, I really hope you see Mr BE and have a wonderful time!

@PurpleMackington
I'm with @NoBloodyFighting, i think he wants to play the field a bit so if you are happy with just casual sex and him (and you if you want) sleeping with others then its all good but if you arent happy with this you need to speak to him.

I know other posters have had similar to you where the guy says he doesnt want anything serious but his actions and the sex sessions show different, and they believed it was more or would become more and it never did and they ended up hurt.

If a man tells you what he is believe him, he's not ready for commitment and might never be so if you're happy with that then stick with him but dont develop feelings.

I'm slightly concerned that after a matter of days you let him drop you home so he knows where you live, its not that relevant now as he has been round but something to consider in the future- did you tell a friend you had someone round?

@NoBloodyFighting aw thank you, I don't think he's a 'casual' kind of guy so wanted to be really upfront about what it is he wants. In fact he didn't even say he isn't ready for more just that he's not sure yet if he's ready. I really like him. I don't want a relationship right now but I can definitely see me feeling ready within the next six months and he just seems so lovely, so my ideal would be to continue seeing each other how we are at the moment and for it to naturally progress into something more serious over time. I know it's very early to be thinking like this as we still have so much to learn about each other.

I did think about having the exclusivity discussion but I don't know if it's really necessary at this point - he has a studio flat and his children stay with him from Friday night to Sunday evening every weekend, so he's not seeing anyone at weekends. He has come off of tinder already, and we have been talking all evening every evening (I've also been a bit crazy, as soon as he sees my messages on whatsapp he replies straight away and then is offline until he sees the next message, so I don't think he is talking to anyone else). The messages we exchange are VERY long, often paragraphs at a time, and I just can't see him putting that much effort into messaging more than one person. But I will keep it in mind over the next week or so :)

@SortingItOut I wouldn't have let him if he didn't already have very close ties with some of my family members. But yes, my mum and dad live directly across the road from me and knew he was coming over (he's met my dad a couple of times through my cousin and knows my dad is not the kind of man to be crossed either!)

@PurpleMackington
Please dont assume anything, just because he has come off Tinder (has he or has he hidden his profile or blocked you) and messages you loads doesnt mean he isnt messaging others or meeting them.

One of the rules with online dating is that you have to assume anyone you are talking to is also talking and meeting others.

Exclusivity can mean different things to diffferent people, is it just exclusive as in you would just have sex with each other but can flirt and message others or is flirting and messaging not allowed?

Its a minefield nowadays.

I'm pleased your parents knew he was coming over, safety first and all that.

I can't remember your previous posts, if you are just out of a marriage how did it end?
Just out of marriages and relationships can make you vulnerable to falling for others quickly.
Is he just out of a relationship/marriage as well?

Its really good that you can be open and honest with him and he can do the same back because i think lack of communication is a huge issue in dating and relationships.

@PurpleMackington things have moved very fast. If it's casual dial down on the texting and don't see him more than once a week. And do listen to his words and not get carried away by his actions. He is telling you who he is. So it's important to listen.

One thing that stood out was that he invited you out with his DC? I worry he has odd boundaries. Because you are not friends and he had already been sexting you... I think be careful as there can be an element of him appearing to be really open laid back and carefree (with you feeling like an over thinker) when in reality he knows exactly what he is doing and why. There is a way someone can appear laid back whilst actually being very much in control, so do not assume

Mr Surprises has been full of surprises again this morning. We’ve had a really lovely conversation about travel, life goals, hopes and dreams etc, exactly the Kind of thing I’d expect with dating. So I’ll continue to chat to him whilst he’s making an effort but still browse them apps (still no joy anyway)

There is a way someone can appear laid back whilst actually being very much in control, so do not assume

That's a very good and valid point!

I was driving thinking about this @PurpleMackington

Thing is, you can’t go into this thinking it has potential in 6 months or a year. He has made it clear that it is what it is right now, and by going into something with you he’s setting the expectation that potential is not on the table, so enjoy what you have now. You say you aren’t ready now but will be in 6 months - you can’t know that, either you are ready to start investing now (and he’s not the right person to invest in) or you are having fun. You can’t have fun hoping it leads onto something else with someone who might not be available to you. If he had said ‘let’s have fun now and see where it goes down the line’ that is not the same as saying ‘just to let you know if you want to walk away now I am not looking for a commitment’. None of us want to see you 6 months down the line wondering why he isn’t on the same page as you

You need to work out what you want and what you can manage. Can you manage to have a casual & sexual RS with this man for the foreseeable future with no deep romantic feelings involved and be prepared that he might want to date other people, he wants to enjoy his freedom and he isn’t going to look to settle down. Or are you already excited looking a year down the line to when he changes his mind?

I am sorry if it comes over I am raining on your parade @PurpleMackington, I was so so hurt when I have been through this - more than once. Assumption is your enemy here, I worry about how much you are assuming about him that you just do not know and can’t know yet

I don't think he's a 'casual' kind of guy
He is. He signed up to tinder and slept with a woman within a week/less than a week after chatting to her. Sorry to be blunt about it! You can’t assume he isn’t casual especially as from your timeline, he very much was pushing to see you early on pretty fast. Thursday to Tuesday is 5 days

In fact he didn't even say he isn't ready for more just that he's not sure yet if he's ready.

This is the same thing they are not different things

I don't want a relationship right now but I can definitely see me feeling ready within the next six months and he just seems so lovely, so my ideal would be to continue seeing each other how we are at the moment and for it to naturally progress into something more serious over time. I know it's very early to be thinking like this as we still have so much to learn about each other.

Please slow down this thinking, as it isn’t what he has indicated to you

so he's not seeing anyone at weekends.
Don’t assume this either until you know for sure

He has come off of tinder already, and we have been talking all evening every evening
Don’t assume this. He could have just unmatched you

I just can't see him putting that much effort into messaging more than one person
Don’t assume this either. You don’t know him well enough yet

Thank you everyone, I really needed to hear this! I'm still relatively young, left my husband two months ago because of his behaviour, and tend to fall too fast too soon. I don't want to make the same mistakes again.

I'll raise the exclusivity issue next week - I'm happy for him to be seeing others as long as I know where I stand. But for now, I really enjoy spending time with him and want to keep doing so.

@PurpleMackington
Its really good you've taken on board what people have said.

2 months out of a marriage is a very short time to be looking for someone else. Do you not want time to be single or to get over any issues from your marriage?

I joined dating sites 3mths after my marriage ended but i was only looking for casual sex and nothing else, the thought of a relationship terrified me!!!

If you know you fall too hard and too quickly i would definitely be reigning it in.

Its good you like spending time with him, it sounds like you're happy with a friends with benefits situation but these usually come without exclusivity (except in rare cases and then thats usually a relationship without the label).

Make sure you spend time with friends and family as well and dont build your whole life around him.

@SortingItOut thank you, I know it seems really short but I checked out my marriage about a year ago so I was over it before it ever ended. We've ended on really good terms too so there's not really any animosity or upset. I've had a few casual flings, which have left me feeling really shit about myself so I made it clear to Mr Poppet what my expectations of casual were (i.e. spending time together, sex if we both want to, but the friendship element too - as opposed to the last guy I was seeing who I don't think I ever spent more than 20 minutes with and certainly never had a real conversation with!). And he was fine with this, and said that this is what he wants too - so we can hang out together etc.

@PurpleMackington
No judgement here, its just sometimes people jump in to dating without being ready and not realising that life can be good even without a boyfriend.

I checked out of my marriage 6 years before i got rid of my husband so i know where you are coming from.

Good luck with your FWB

I’m glad it went down ok!
If you want a FWB, it may be difficult on the exclusivity part in my experience so be prepared for that side of it and sounds like you are. Also I wouldn’t ask him about potential down the line yet, as I don’t think that something he will realistically be able to answer you, and he’s already saying he wants something casual.

Don’t get involved with his DC. I know he is not free on weekends but this is very dodgy territory