Dating Thread 191 - Daters Gonna Date

[JeSuisPrest]

Props to @HairyArsedMan for the thread title - hopefully we'll be able to start dating again normally soon - grabbing a coffee, drink, dinner whatever. I wonder how many hours walking around parks, we've racked up on the last couple of threads.

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

I’ve just written along reply and lost it 😏

I think I may be losing interest in Mr Surprises. I just don’t think he’s going to be everything I want. He’s great in many ways and the sex is incredible but he doesn’t show enough interest in me. He never arranges dates, his texting is poor, he’s lovely when I’m with him and he’s very cuddly and tactile but it’s lacking something that I’m not willing to compromise on.
I think I’m going to step back and see if he makes any effort. If not, I’ll let it fizzle out. I’m going to get back on the apps today too

@Bigfingers ‘I think the problem for me is that he’s by far the most interesting, funny and ‘same-wavelength‘ person I’ve met OLD‘

I don’t know how long you’ve being doing it, but when you’ve been dating for years and you come across someone like this, that does not represent a problem, but an opportunity. Forget over investment etc. I think an appropriate investment here would be to follow @Bunkbedpeople’s advice and arrange a date to see whether the reality matches up for both of you.

@VivaVegas Yep, it really is the same for blokes. I’ve only been minded to message one woman on Match in the past month (a courteous and funny conversation ensued and then, suddenly, her profile disappeared).

Oh gosh I have not been keeping up with this thread since I first introduced myself!

Yesterday was originally supposed to be first date with Mr Aussie, but we didn't really talk much last week and it fizzled so I didn't even bother getting in touch to confirm or cancel.

However, middle of last week I matched with someone on tinder and we got talking. We are from the same small town, I realised because of his age and the fact we realised we went to the same primary school (7 years apart) that he must have known my cousin....turns out he is one of my cousin's best friends!

So we have been talking since Wednesday, and he asked me out for a drink this week once he is able to get a haircut (he said he doesn't want his lockdown mullet when he takes me out!) so we were aiming for this Friday. Yesterday I was childfree and went for a long walk, we messaged a few times and he was at a local park with his kids and suggested I swing by to say hello. I know people have strong feelings on meeting someone's kids etc so please don't have a pop at me, it was a very casual "Oh you know X? This is his cousin!".

I stayed with them for a couple of hours (partly talking to him and partly playing hide and seek) and then he gave me a lift home. I was stupidly nervous last night that he might not have liked me, but then we talked last night and he is definitely just as keen as I am.

He text me this morning to say he's going straight to the barber after work and that if he gets it sorted by a decent time, can he take me out for a drink tonight!

He has an awful lot of great features - I know a fair few people who know him well (but are closer to me than him) and all have said he is a really decent guy. They are all friends with his ex/mother of his kids as well (who he still has a friendly relationship with) so that's a really good sign that they're saying nice things. He is a complete gent, not one for sexting or sending dick pics. He is an excellent conversationalist, has good hygiene and looks after himself - which were basically the three reasons I left my STBEXH, because he did not.

Hmm need a nickname for this one....I might go for Mr Poppet, because he calls me poppet and it makes me melt.

Mr Surprises has surprised me with texts first thing this morning. He very rarely texts in the day unless I text first.
I’m still going to have a nose on the apps again though

@30somethingandstillsingle I think ground rules will be needed in that case. I'd say go at a pace that suits you and not get pushed into something that you aren't keen on doing.

@PurpleMackington he sounds lovely

I'm still here all, re-assessing every thing just now.

@cravingthelook how are you doing post video call with Mr Swan?

@Dancerinthemoonlight I don't know yet.

Sad that it got so awkward that he couldn't talk for so long (we thought the lockdown stress didn't help)
Happy that we understand each other better
Relieved he's back in my life
Scared he could up and disappear again
Frustrated that I can't just hold his hand/hug him and make it all ok
Heartbroken that there's so much love and care neither can walk away, but it's not enough for us to be together either
I've got DD for almost all this week (tomorrow and Wednesday off but other than that I've got her right through until next Tuesday) . It's maybe a good thing to have time out.
We might be both in office on Thursday if so we will car share for commute.

Sorry if you have gone through this already @cravingthelook but what is the angst with Mr Swan. Liking someone should really never be this hard. I'm not sure I understand the star crossed lovers notion.

For me I agree with whoever said those that have pinned down dates and made an effort to contact me have been the dates that have worked out the best.

And yes, set boundaries. Just because they want to see you today doesn't mean you go along with something that doesn't work for you. We all still have our lives to lead.

@cravingthelook you have a lot of emotions to work through and figure out the best way forward for yourself. Take it as fast or as slow as you want to. We are all here for you to rant at and to post trying to figure it all out. I think having your DD all week is the best thing at the moment as you can take some time out front thinking and to just focus on the two of you.

@Notcoolmum to summarise

We work for same large company, - he's left previous jobs for romances gone wrong
He is at the age where his friends are settling/marriage/kids. He said he doesn't want kids 🤔
He recently started a new degree /career and thus very behind his peers in level of success/salary (I admire that he had courage to do this)
He has a lot of emotional issues (history related) lots of self esteem issues that are masked by constant body perfecting.
Total fear of letting anyone in emotionally
Family is picture perfect and I suspect expect him to be perfect
He has a physical and emotional attraction but hides it as he's convinced because of all the reasons above he's not good enough and he should be focusing on his career, getting a house.

I'm 13 years older, have had the marriage and family thing. I'm professionally successful and earn about 3.5 times what he does (he's not bothered but he hates me paying for things). I have no direct work interaction. He puts me on a pedestal at times
My life is only 50% available due to kids
I don't fit the perfect mould even if he tells me all the time I'm beautiful, I still know it.
We literally lose time with each other, never run out of things to say and it's like we are in a perfect bubble, we are literally best friends. Oh then he looks at me and I melt. On the occasions we have kissed there was fireworks and he panicked and ran away. (Although he initiated 3 out of 4 times). We were in a very serious accident together this year and it showed how important we are to each other.

Essentially he is unavailable
I know but I love him anyway and I'm never going to let him down by walking way, because everyone does when they come up against wall number 17 😂 he's terrified that I'm just going to let him down. It's a self fulfilling prophecy anyway because he just pushes me away.

I have to figure out how I can be there for him and move on and find love. Every time I think I've got it figured out I haven't.
He's the reason I joined OLD, I figured if I found something good I'd be able to keep a better balance between us.
I'm the best I've ever been in terms of keeping things balanced, long may it continue.

Thanks for indulging me, I'm going to try stop talking about him now

Hi all I have a confession to make I slipped up and messaged the old iron. The lack of enthusiasm and dismissive response told me all I need to know. I'm feeling a little brighter and that basically I've been led on in a penpal situation for months. I see others have issues with penpals, i will never do it again..never! I felt so close to him as we discussed everything....previously i would never have thought that was possible, I'm normally quite sensible.

On a brighter note i dragged myself out for a date with Mr Car at the weekend... he was a lovely man and wants to meet again. I didn't feel a spark attraction wise so not sure if to meet again 🤔 he's keen and genuine but I don't want to rip his clothes off so not sure what to do. Do you carry on with the ones that are nice that you don't instantly fancy?

Got one other iron who says little and hasn't asked to meet yet. Mr Science.

@bangheadhere40, lots of us have had those kind of slip ups. Good that you got a response which sounds like it has finally killed off any lingering doubts about him so no harm done.
I am very much of the mindset that if you are querying whether to go for date no 2 with a new iron there must be sufficient there to justify it. I haven't met anyone new for months now but for me a Mr Maybe is always worth a second date and then it usually crystallises one way or the other.

Sometimes you just have to know @bangheadhere40. Hopefully you know now! If I wasn't repulsed and had a nice time I'd give them a shot. I never really know until the kiss. Unless it's a hard no.

I think it was @sunshineandflipflops who said there's no such thing as the right man at the wrong time @cravingthelook. I struggled with that to start with, as I romanticised things with my last iron. If things were as good between you as you felt, the obstacles would fall away. I think you run the risk of being very hurt by staying very close to him and then he will meet someone and all of those barriers won't matter all of a sudden. I have an ex who didn't believe in marriage or want kids. He's married with 2 kids now. It was me he didn't want those things with.

I know @Notcoolmum

That's why I'm on OLD so I can find what I deserve

One day I'll look back on this and shake my head, I'm just not ready to walk yet

I just wanted to say thank you notcool onesmallstep this thread has been invaluable to me as I am a little naive I guess, and probably quite vulnerable.....And everyone else of course but you really have been a support to me...thank you....

I think I'm quite weak sometimes...you guys have helped me more than you will know.

Aw @bangheadhere40 I've been there and for the tshirt. If I've helped save you any pain then I'm truly delighted.

@bangheadhere40, to varying degrees we are all in the same boat which is why we are here. You deserve some nice times with someone. If it feels right go on date 2 and enjoy it. Nothing to lose, you said he was a nice guy. Head high, eyes on the horizon. Your happiness and well being are the most important things here.

So this just happened today , what do you think have I dodged a bullet .
Only joined POF 2 wks ago after a bad break up with my ex of 3 years .
Just sipping my toe in so to speak well I got talking to one guy straight away lots of common interest and txt exchanges for 2wks plus a few phone calls .
We had arranged to see each other this week sometime and when I txt to confirm the day and time he turned around and said maybe we should leave it I went on Pof and saw you had been on line and added more pictures!!! So if your unsure about things then it’s best to leave it .
I’m like really isn’t that the point of on line dating to date ?
I said to him I think you need a thicker skin if your going to be on dating apps as I hadn’t even met him yet and it was like he was spitting his dummy out .
I give up I really do , think I might have dodged a bullet .
just wanted another perspective to know that it isn’t right to be so pissed off after being so keen just because I was back on line .
just some insight would maybe help me clarify my wtf feeling that I’m feeling right now ...

@Moonie1970 yes you dodged a bullet. You need to expect stuff like this.

@Moonie1970
Definitely dodged a bullet there, he is going to need to grow a thicker skin if he wants to get anywhere.

You havent done anything wrong at all.

If we all came off apps as soon as we chatted to someone there would be no one on them as everyone would be on and off constantly.

He sounds very insecure and wanting to claim you (or maybe he is very new to OLD)

Oh goodness that is very possessive....definitely a bullet dodged!

@Moonie1970
Definitely a bullet dodged!

Me and Mr Legal have agreed that we won't be dating anyone else while we explore what this is between us. Well actually I agreed to it, he was all for deleting all profiles and calling me his gf
I've come to the conclusion that he's not love bombing me, he is just like a big over excited kid and he tries really hard to rein it in when I remind him.
There are a lot of uncertainties for me in particular but I can't deny how he makes me feel when I'm with him or talking to him, so I'm not going to overthink it and am just going to go with the flow (my flow, not his )

So erm... shift over and make some room on the smitten bench.

@30somethingandstillsingle ooh smitten eh🥰! Lovely to hear positive updates :)

@Moonie1970 yes that’s too much too soon -I can say this with conviction because I would have been more like your iron at the start in my head -didn’t say anything though thankfully!! Thicker skin being worked on as it is so so different from my experience but it’s the norm in OLD so let him on!