Dating Thread 191 - Daters Gonna Date

[JeSuisPrest]

Props to @HairyArsedMan for the thread title - hopefully we'll be able to start dating again normally soon - grabbing a coffee, drink, dinner whatever. I wonder how many hours walking around parks, we've racked up on the last couple of threads.

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Sometimes sex for the first time with someone new can be not as good as other times, could it be worked on?

If he isnt your type what made you go for him?

I'm with Menora, you need to talk to him about how he sees things.
I think if you are dating for a relationship then once you've DTD it changes things, if you are meeting for casual sex then thats very different.

You just need to be up front and open that’s what’s best

Thank you for the advice Menora and SortingItOut I really appreciate it. I'm going to have to talk to him and see where he sees this going.

To answer your question Sorting it's the age old thing that he didn't look like his pictures when we met face to face. So while I thought he was my type when we were chatting, in the flesh I don't think I'd have looked twice at him if we hadn't already established a connection. That said, the more time I spend with him, the more attractive he seems when I look at him. I definitely fancied him enough to dtd!

The sex was awkward. I don't know how much detail people usually go into on here so apologies if this is too much, but he was just ploughing away on top of me like a jackhammer. I got the impression he's not that experienced. I guess it could be worked on. During foreplay he was just prodding away at me and I gave him a few pointers which he took on board and it definitely improved things.

Thanks for your advice both, I think I'm going to have to have that awkward conversation and make sure we're both on the same page.

@Backonthehorse1

Your guess is as good as mine about exclusivity etc.

It feels quite tacky sometimes having to negotiate these things - nothing spoils getting to know someone organically like having to spell things out! But without clear communication I guess people end up jumping to conclusions.

I’m trying to keep things to my “casual but not sex dominated” format but literally working it out as I go along!

I’m not keen on mentioning initially I want “casual” as that seems a green light to “physical hookup dates only?”. Which I’m not comfortable with.

I’ve been physically intimate with my front running iron and he seems pretty good. It feels like we’re genuinely interested in each other and intellectually compatible and like each other outside of the bedroom.

We did have a chat second date and I did the whole “due to career/life stage I need quite a flexible format” which I think he’s taken on board. Plus he’s moving soon. But it’s early days yet.

So next up I need to arrange something with my second iron, I think it would be nice to have a celebration end of exam thing with my front runner (plus organise this staycation thing), and see how the new chats go.

What could possibly go wrong ?

Loads of reading in the updates and mixed views on the dates over the weekend...no dates for me this weekend as I’m only chatting to Mr Blueeyes now and we both have our kids this weekend. He tends to go quiet at the weekends as he travels to the far side of the country to see his kids and I think he tends to just focus on them...I Miss chatting to him though!
We have discussed meeting this coming weekend with possible overnight stay which I am so excited about but so nervous about dtd with a new man for the first time since my marriage ended- I may be building it up as this huge thing in my head which is not helping

@ZoZoBo

first time with a new person is always - I’m sure he’ll be as nervous as you! I think it’s worse if you genuinely like the guy rather than ticking a box or scratching an itch...

I don’t know about you but as I only broke my 2020 virginity recently I’ve decided not to put myself into situations where I have too much female performance anxiety. I’m essentially vanilla and like the guy to be a bit dominant and that’s it?

Basically I’d imagine and schedule in getting naked and getting into bed but maybe don’t have too high expectations for the first time or spend ages doing work/acrobatics/overthinking or sexually planning/worrying over some guys sexuality.

@Bunkbedpeople that’s good advice thanks - this will be my 2020, 2019 and probably 2018 viriginity 😂

I think I’m hugely overthinking as my ex made me feel I was shit in bed and I’m worried I am! But on the other hand my ex wasn’t great so it wasn’t all my fault! I like this guy and want to have sex with him so that’s a good start 😊 I will lower expectations and just go with it

I think online dating does mean you have to be up front or there is a lot of room for confusion. If you are both still on tinder I'd assume you are both still looking and chatting to others. Both my last 2 irons made it clear after we had dtd they weren't interested in dating anyone else but that it was up to me what I did.

I think the first time can be a bit odd. But you get a general impression of whether you are compatible.

I think online dating does mean you have to be up front or there is a lot of room for confusion. If you are both still on tinder I'd assume you are both still looking and chatting to others. Both my last 2 irons made it clear after we had dtd they weren't interested in dating anyone else but that it was up to me what I did.

I think the first time can be a bit odd. But you get a general impression of whether you are compatible.

Yeh I was talking to my friend and we were saying there should be new discreet codes and communication protocols for online dating.

Eg I think a version of “Straight Edge” for those who are quite clean living and see dating as doing joint wholesome activities but who don’t want to drink/have casual sex.

I do know amongst my age group (20’s and 30’s) tinder and OD is used platonically for meeting new people - I’ve used online dating if I’m travelling in a new city and just want people to go for a coffee or bar crawl or art gallery tour with.

Or a code for what I want to do - it’s like Mr Big in sex and the city saying “he needs to be in a relationship where if wants to randomly go to Paris to work he can go to Paris without discussing with anyone”.

Notcoolmum I think you're right with the being up front thing. There doesn't seem to be a set rule when it comes to exclusivity and what is/isn't acceptable once you've had a couple of dates with someone. It has made me think how different I view OLD than 'real-life' dating. I think the whole nature of online and the variety and choice out there almost lends itself to a more casual attitude. Like if I met Mr Copper naturally, through friends or on a night out for instance, I don't think I would be entertaining the idea of dating anyone else at the moment. But for me the online aspect really blurs things and I'm not quite sure why.

I took the advice given on here and asked Mr Copper where he sees things going with us. He said he really likes me and he isn't seeing anyone else nor is he planning to. But he said he doesn't expect me to commit to anything exclusive at this stage and if I want to 'test the waters' and go on a couple of first dates then he'd be ok with that for now but he wouldn't feel comfortable with me sleeping with anyone else which I understand.

Although I have an answer of sorts, I'm still not entirely sure where I stand!

I'm in agreememt with the good communication and being upfront when you meet someone so there is no confusion.

It does seem odd that nowadays this is the way to do things but with online dating making meeting people easier we have to change with it.

I recently had the exclusive chat with someone (slightly different in that we met on Fab and it was just sex but gradually became more) and that felt weird.
Turned out we'd basically been exclusive since Nov but not discussed it
We've now been officially exclusive for 3 or 4 weeks but have been seeing each other 10 months.

Along with the exclusive chat i also instigated a very grown up chat about cheating - who knew you had to do that nowadays.
My husband emotionally cheated over our whole 17 year marriage but to him it wasnt cheating and was just an ego boost.

I wanted to make sure that anyone i committed to was on the same page as me with regard to cheating and what constitutes it - luckily he thinks exactly the same as me (he was cheated on by his wife and a girlfriend) so is really against cheating in any form.

Honestly dating in 2020 is hard work with so much to consider!!

I kind of go with the flow when I am just chatting to someone, but once DTD is in the mix I am want to be exclusive with that person, even if it’s casual to begin, it doesn’t have to be a full on serious relationship but I am not going to DTD with anyone else.

It would have to be someone pretty honest and up front and trustworthy for me to be even in a FWB. I am slightly avoidant still, I am not good at gushing my feelings out at someone and am quite matter of fact and I tend to end up with men who initially are more into me than I am into them to begin with. I probably like the ‘chase’ more than I realise, a self esteem thing. All the things Mr Muddle thought he liked about me made him feel inferior and irritated him though, whereas Mr R is still easily impressed 😂.

I am not a sex acrobat either and pretty vanilla. I don’t like porn style sex at all, it does nothing for me and makes me feel anxious (past sexual assault) so I need a calm, patient, gentle man (which not everyone wants in bed). I think I am more dominant... I wouldn’t worry about sex too much, I think as long as you actually spend time finding out what the other person likes in bed as well you can’t go wrong. Inexperience doesn’t necessarily make someone selfish in bed, but I have found that the ‘pounders’ make me very unhappy as they are just focused on their own orgasm and never mine

I actually really don’t like dating men who go to strip clubs. Not because I feel inferior I find it a massive lecherous turn off, so I usually bring that up too sooner rather than later.

Usually one party will bring it up - Mr Muddle was a love bomber so that came up pretty much instantly and looking back it was way too soon, I’m glad with Mr R we did things differently, talked for a couple of months, met as friends, kissed, had exclusivity chat that we had come off dating, DTD and ‘what are you looking for’ chat, but no labels of boyfriend/girlfriend at present, no meeting of family on horizon.

Hi all - any advice on OLD much appreciated!

I’ve been OLD on and off (quite a bit off in the last few months!) since Oct last year, so have got through the initial stupid expectations and rookie errors - hopefully.

Started chatting to a guy last weekend. We get on brilliantly by text, and he wants to text a lot. Feels real, no rude references, just lots of getting to know stuff, loads of laughter.

I slightly forced him to do a vid call with me on Tue, as I didn’t want to keep texting so much without some validation, which went well.

I know he’s got a work deadline and was trying to finish stuff off this weekend, but he’s still sent me a few nice texts.

My slightly niggling unease now is no mention of meeting up.

a. How long is too long normally?
b. What is normal timeframe now with covid ? I know he’s started travelling into London a bit for odd work days
c. I feel like I don’t want to be the one who asks. Am I being too old fashioned??

TiA !

Hi bigfingers, this is just my opinion but I really think if a man wants to meet you he will show it by his actions and ask to meet. Some of us are suffering from penpals on Old and feeling very frustrated.
Just my opinion again but the men I've asked out (chased) came to nothing down the line.

The men who chased me,i went on to have long relationships with.
Maybe hint of a meet and give him a week to sort?

Had a lovely 2 and a half hours with Mr S this evening. He is impressed by my DIY skills but also told me that he is willing to do any work I need done. He used to be a carpenter before changing careers so is very knowledgeable about all the DIY stuff. It's going to take some getting used to having someone around willing to help with little things as I'm used to being very independent. We are very similar is a way, both raised by single mothers so used to doing things ourselves so he understands it.
I know it's very much the honeymoon phase at the moment but I can feel myself falling for him. He makes me laugh and smile, brightens up my day just by listening to me and being there for me. I feel the most like me and the most at peace when I'm with him. I know I have said this a lot but it just feels right, no second guessing or anything.
We spoke a lot tonight about his work and the future of it. There is a chance he might be promoted in the next year but he isn't counting his chickens before they hatch. It might mean he had to move but we will cross that bridge if and when we come to it. We spoke about my plans for getting back to work. For wanting to find a company job and keep the self employed/freelance part as a side thing as I'm not sure how much it will recover post covid. He makes me want to have a better work life balance though.
Finally as I think I have waffled on for long enough. The sex really does get better when you get to know each others bodies better. Even he said wow that was amazing after we had finished.
Should be seeing him on Wednesday as that is usually his half day. If not it will be another night during the week ☺️

lovely update Dancer, he sounds great and you sound so happy :)

Lovely update @Dancerinthemoonlight

So Mr Legal has just left.
He said some stuff over message about how a friend had said to be careful with OLD and his position within the US airforce and someone could be with him for the wrong reasons. He got quite a sharp response from me and he didn't apologise. He always says exactly what he is thinking/feeling and doesn't have much of a filter.
When he got here he swept me away again. He's so charismatic and again made me feel like I was the centre of his universe.

We dtd again and he had the same issues as last night, again he was very generous in other ways and was a lot more confident so it was pretty good.
But, he told me he was falling for me. When I talked to him about it and he realised I wasn't about to say the same, he back tracked a little. I felt a bit bad but I don't want to lead him on, I'm not sure how I feel and it's much too early for me.
I can't remember anyone making me feel like he does though.

That was supposed to say he DID apologise

@30somethingandstillsingle

Is MrLegal military?

As I’m finding/found out out with my own MrMilitary I think it’s quite easy to get caught up in the whirlwind romance - there’s something very compelling (and hot) about this direct straightforward uber-masculine guy being keen on you.

But ultimately you are right to see yourself as your own person with your own emotional pace and needs

I hope it goes well and you progress things smoothly, but I think checking into what you yourself want and feel and prefer - rather than him needing the boost of an instant girlfriend/romance because of his lifestyle is important.

@Dancerinthemoonlight

Great update you sound happy

@Bigfingers

I don’t think with online dating the whole “who asks first” rule applies.

I think a lot of very decent guys don’t want to seem too pushy - they’re well mannered and happy to take on an old-fashioned role if they’re actually on the meet but won’t do the whole “man picks the venue organises from start to finish wine and dine thing”.

It kind of depends how your communication has been so far but I’d just weave it into chat and see if he picks it up. It doesn’t have to be a big date or anything like that.

Eg...you could close a chat with:

“I’m off to bed now, I noticed pubs are opening up near me now for drinks so drop me a text if you fancy continuing this conversation over a gin and tonic some time x”

It’s not a hard and fast rule but I have noted that the guys who push for meeting ASAP and insist on organising often are after a quick “love bomb then a sex session” so the “asking out” is just a cover for desperation rather than being a gentleman.

Thanks @kerkyra and @bunkbedpeople .

The only other one I’ve met (before xmas) who I knew was serious about finding someone and wasn’t just looking for short term kicks took his time too, and I think I suggested the date in the end - I remember his take was something like ‘it’s pretty good going to get from first message to a date in less than 3 weeks’. I thought it was snails’ pace. But as you say, @bunkbedpeople, the ones who try and move it quickly turn out to only want one thing, ime.

Sigh. I think the problem for me is that he’s by far the most interesting, funny and ‘same-wavelength‘ person I’ve met OLD, am worried about over-investing before we’ve even met in person!!

@Bunkbedpeople yes he's in the US airforce. I'm not sure it's his military background that is driving him, I hadn't really considered that.
I am more inclined to think that his marriage has been not great for many years, so some interest/attention from a woman, especially younger (only 9years) is maybe clouding his judgement.

He's pushing for me to take tomorrow off work or to meet me from the train home for a little bit but I don't want to, and I have my children to pick up. I'm going to have to lay down some ground rules I think.