Dating Thread 191 - Daters Gonna Date

[JeSuisPrest]

Props to @HairyArsedMan for the thread title - hopefully we'll be able to start dating again normally soon - grabbing a coffee, drink, dinner whatever. I wonder how many hours walking around parks, we've racked up on the last couple of threads.

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@UtterSocks beautiful and charismatic... yes that's what's gets me every time too. Then they kiss me and I can't build a wall to save myself. I hope it works out for you.

@ZoZoBo Mr BlueEyes sounds amazing, fingers crossed.

@Ant330 thank you. Yes it's the emotional immaturity and the constant running away from anything resembling feelings of any sort.
I thought a lot about it, I'll see what he says but essentially, I'll say if you want to talk you know where I am.

@ZoZoBo I am the same. I am completely smitten with Mr Surprises but need to hold myself. In person he’s very complimentary And attentive but on messages he’s pretty flat. I’m quite a complimentary person anyway so will say nice things (I’m
Not a love bomber) he rarely says anything nice back in texts so I sometimes feel a bit rubbish when we text but then he is perfect When we meet so I need to just chill out!

Dating is so hard! Trying to keep cool and play it safe when you really like somebody. Best of luck to you, he sounds amazing!

Cravingthelook hope today is better for you

Some lovely updates again 😊

Well looks like i am still out for a drink Saturday night now. Another iron I have been chatting with for a while is free too so has asked to meet. I'm not sure there will be legs to this one as think one of the things that put me off pushing to meet earlier is that hes a full time dad so doesn't have much childfree time so not sure whether he has much to actually date

Some lovely updates yesterday.

I met with Mr Positive last night. Few drinks in beer garden before the rain came on, then to his for food and I stayed over. Was really good. Have been texting already today and said hes looking forward to next time.

He is very affectionate, holding hands and giving lots of little kisses on the arm, head etc. I like it but I'm really not used to it.

Feeling a bit sorry for myself, have told Mr Snake that things are not going to work out, partly because of his kinks but mainly because he only has child free time once a fortnight. I have a pretty high sex drive and want sex more than once a fortnight.

Now feeling sad and a little bit lonely, I feel like finding someone to hook up with just for good sex with no strings but also someone to cuddle (not sure if it’s possible to have both without someone getting hurt).

Mr Ski wants to meet me this weekend, we kind of fell out about him lying about his age, he has explained why he did it and said he planned on telling me when he next sees me. I’m tempted to meet up with him for sex but I don’t think that’s what he wants (he wants more). I have a few other irons but really they would just be rebounds if I contact them.

Why’s it so hard to find what I want? Someone asked me a few pages back “what I actually wanted”, I guess what I want is a relationship, someone with older kids or no kids, someone I can spend time with once or twice a week, someone who’s good in bed and someone that’s available. Of course I need to feel a connection, I don’t want the hassle of young children, I want to enjoy someone’s time without having to play step mum or having to deal with ex’s or juggling time. My kids are 16 and 14 so I’m looking forward to enjoying child free time and growing old gracefully.

I think knowing what you want is a really big step @Lovemusic33

Was there more to not seeing Mr Ski than the age thing? Does he tick other boxes?

Notcool the main issue with Mr Ski is his age and the fact he’s a multi millionaire, I worry we are too different but then I guess if I’m only going to be seeing someone once or twice a week we don’t have to share the same hobbies, I like to do things in my own or with friends. He likes dancing and old cars (not really my thing) but he also wants to try some of my hobbies. Not sure if it will ever lead to anything much but at the moment I just want company and sex.

Was just talking to my mum (I tell her everything) and telling her how I can’t seem to find what I want in one man, I have many irons that I have stayed in contact with, made friends with, they all have some good qualities but all have traits that I could not put up with in a relationship, the nice ones are never that great in bed or they have too much baggage . I don’t know why it’s so hard to find what I want, maybe I’m fussy? Maybe I’m just used to being on my own, being independent and doing my own thing? I miss hugs more than anything, I miss having someone to talk too but I don’t miss living with someone or having to consider an extra person in my choices.

@Lovemusic33, I am a bit of a collector of men. I think it happens for a number of reasons. Recently I counted 16 guys who message me regularly and are all on the sliding scale of (more than ) friends to potential FBs. Not one of them has all the attributes I think I am looking for. Some I have forced myself to let slip away because it was a real head fuck at times with emotions pulled in lots of different directions. I think I mentioned it several pages back but some I was almost agreeing to stuff with because I felt either a bit flattered or even felt sorry for. That's not a good basis for any liaison.
You are clearly getting lots of attention and see good things in many of them. But sometimes having lots of potential irons is confusing. I think what is clear from how those on the thread feel when they have met someone special is you just kind of know. And from my own experience of finding a connection with someone it was pretty instantly there. When you find it two things will happen. You will know and the rest of the potentials will fade into insignificance.

onesmall I do hope I feel it with someone eventually, I probably have around 10 irons that keep popping back up but for whatever reason they are just not relationship material, one I really like but he lives to far away and seems to just vanish for months and the reappear, we had a deep meaningful conversation a couple weeks ago where he said he wanted something serious and he wanted to work through what happened a year or so ago where we stopped contact but surprise surprise he’s vanished yet again. I think in the last few years (since abusive ex) I have only really felt a connection with one person and that was Mr South African but sadly he didn’t want a relationship due to moving around a lot.
Mr Snake has just messaged me, i know he’s going to try and persuade me to carry on seeing him, I do enjoy being with him but just can’t see how it’s going to work with him having a child with him full time and a 2 year old who he has regular contact with, he lives an hour away so not as though I can pop over there. Mr ski also lives in the same area as Mr snake but he has no other commitments so is available a lot more but he’s not as interesting as Mr snake. Shame we can’t just mould all the good bits from our irons into one perfect man 🤣

I am also a collector of irons I have 9 at the moment, some I've met, some I've not.

Mr Legal has my attention at the moment though.

But he's just dropped the bomb that he's only been separated from his wife for 2 months. He explained some things on the phone yesterday and it does sound like the split was a long time coming. However, 2 months is not long at all. I don't want to be his rebound

@30somethingandstillsingle @Lovemusic33 @Onesmallstep67 you all probably know that I too am a collector of irons. I don't want to count them but it's probably double figures.
I also gave up looking for the magical unicorn a long time ago, hence why I'm open to getting different things from different people in a non monogamous life.

Now if I'm being honest with myself it's because I know deep down there's actually only one I truely want but also know there's far too many outside reasons it will never happen let alone getting past the 17 layers of walls. The only iron that came anywhere near making me forget that was Mr Music.

In other news I took control and emailed Mr Swan and essentially said what is passed is passed. If you want to talk to me just call me or come talk to me. He replied, saying he even over thought the reply and what did I think about having a video call. I said yes - but I'm leaving it up to him now.
Now I know he'll never be an iron, he has no understanding of his own feelings and I'll never fully trust he won't go awol. I do love him and I don't want to do life without him. So I'd like to think we can figure out a friendship properly. If I get this other job it might actually help. I will try my damndest to keep boundaries and not react.
I feel better that I am in control of our interaction.

@30somethingandstillsingle 2 months isn't long I know. Doesn't mean it won't work. Just keep your boundaries intact ... at least you know and he was honest.

I knew I kind of loved Mr Swan (there was zero inappropriate chat this was all my own feels in my own head) before my marriage officially ended (acknowledging my feels partly helped me know if I can feel so much for a friend then I'd already long checked out) he was my confident during the counselling period. My marriage was done years ago. I just hadn't the balls to leave.

We acknowledged the mutual chemistry a few weeks after I officially left and he said it wasn't something he wanted to pursue. It was 2 months later when he initiated the first kiss. (We are only 3 weeks away from the anniversary of that kiss).

Anyway, my point was it depends on where the marriage was at the end. 2 months isn't long but for me at the end I'd long finished my marriage emotionally, I just needed to do the difficult physical location and financial split.

@30somethingandstillsingle 2 months isn't long I know. Doesn't mean it won't work. Just keep your boundaries intact ... at least you know and he was honest.

I knew I kind of loved Mr Swan (there was zero inappropriate chat this was all my own feels in my own head) before my marriage officially ended (acknowledging my feels partly helped me know if I can feel so much for a friend then I'd already long checked out) he was my confident during the counselling period. My marriage was done years ago. I just hadn't the balls to leave.

We acknowledged the mutual chemistry a few weeks after I officially left and he said it wasn't something he wanted to pursue. It was 2 months later when he initiated the first kiss. (We are only 3 weeks away from the anniversary of that kiss).

Anyway, my point was it depends on where the marriage was at the end. 2 months isn't long but for me at the end I'd long finished my marriage emotionally, I just needed to do the difficult physical location and financial split.

@30somethingandstillsingle I think 2 months is too soon for anything serious. Sorry. Even if the relationship has been dead for a long time before that you are just finding your feet and learning who you are outside a relationship at that point. I'd be very wary of investing I'm afraid.

@cravingthelook did you read Mr Unavailable? I know I couldn't truly hold on to a friendship with someone o felt the way you do about Mr Swan. I would always be hoping it was more.

I'm in a bit of a slump today. A change in Mr B's circumstances (not to do with us but his work) have made me wonder what I want. And if all the positive personal bits outweigh being with someone who is more secure and grounded in life.

@Notcoolmum

No - I'll try read this weekend.
I know what you say is true, not ready to not have him in my life. We started as friends so we can work it out.

craving I think I’m tempted by the non monogamous thing, I’m just unsure I can pull it off as a lot of my irons want my full attention (others not so much). My ski and Mr snake have made it clear that they would want me to themselves, I do have a couple others that probably wouldn’t be too bothered as only really want a FWB type thing. I think I’ve been dating so long that I would kind of miss it if I stuck to just one person 🤣. At the moment I want someone to hug and to have sex with but then in a few days time I might want someone to go on bike ride or have lunch with Without any physical contact. Mr Snake is great company but I don’t feel a connection with him in the bedroom department and don’t see a future due to his baggage and cross dressing, Mr Ski gives good hugs and is easy to talk too but we don’t share many interests. Another iron I have been friends with for years, occasionally he will make a move on me and things get awkward as I don’t really find him attractive (And he’s rubbish in bed). Part of me wants to settle down with someone but the other part wants to stay independent and single.

Thank you both. I'm inclined to agree with @Notcoolmum.
I compare it to how I felt 2 months after the end of my marriage, although that was very different.

To be fair to him he has been very honest, as I said in my earlier post, he was a Mormon up until a couple of years ago at the same time his marriage broke down and he has been in therapy since.
I've told him my concerns, and I'm still excited to meet him, but I will proceed with caution.

We are meeting for a walk tomorrow, before our date on Saturday.

@Lovemusic33
I understand when you say you are not sure of what you want. I am the same, part of me wants to settle down and another part of me just wants what you describe.
I do know though, that I won't settle for someone. If they don't tick all of my essential boxes then it's not going to be long term.

@30somethingandstillsingle sounds like he has a lot going on. And probably a lot to process. I'd still go and meet him, just try not to get too invested. I ran straight in with my last iron. He was about a year separated. But very entwined with ex and the family home. I didn't realise at the time how much of a mental leap he still needed to take to be ready for a relationship. I think I was provably his first step on that journey. Whereas I thought at the time I was the destination.

@30somethingandstillsingle and @Lovemusic33 maybe, just maybe if we meet the right one we'll stop wanting the other potential irons and the excitement of dates. 😁

So Mr Swan has been work messengering this afternoon.. work questions that technically are not for me but I think it's a mixture of him trying to talk on a neutral subject and because of my role he and a few others think I'm the fount of all knowledge.

@Notcoolmum
Sorry to hear you're in a slump this afternoon, is Mr B's job situation always going to be an issue?

If you dont want to ever live with him does it matter he is not secure or grounded?
Or were you hoping to live together eventually?

@SortingItOut in the very distant future I'd hope we would live together. I suppose it matters to me how he reacts. Character. Shared values etc

@Notcoolmum
If you want to live together then those things are definitely very important.
Has he not taken his job news very well?

@SortingItOut if he's my forever partner then I'd hope that would involve blending of lives at some point. He's lost his job. Which I know is common in this climate. So it's seeing how he handles it and moves on I guess.

@Notcoolmum
Oh no, what a nightmare for him.

Is this the first time anything stressful has happened since you were together?

Will definitely be interesting to see how he handles it.