Dating Thread 191 - Daters Gonna Date

[JeSuisPrest]

Props to @HairyArsedMan for the thread title - hopefully we'll be able to start dating again normally soon - grabbing a coffee, drink, dinner whatever. I wonder how many hours walking around parks, we've racked up on the last couple of threads.

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Thanks I feel like it’s not actually affecting me in any way whatsoever so I am reluctant to make an issue out of it too soon.

I am clearly also much more confident/open minded and from some of the things he says, I really don’t think he’s had this kind of sexual experience before, ie I know what my own body likes and am not afraid to ask or show, he is more reserved and shy so it might take him longer. He’s a good learner of my body though, pretty quickly, and asks me if I like something but is holding back with his own. I try to pick up on his cues though. I gave him oral a little bit and he told me he had never liked it before so he was going to ask me not to, then he realised he did enjoy it. I would love him to open up more but this might take time - he’s so shy!

@wishfuldreamer I'm ok with your comments, it was the others that felt odd.
Also, it is good to have another polyamory practitioner around to discuss the nuances that can bring with dating.

Question for all, when something has potential but there's just something you can't put your finger on holding you back then they go all quiet, why do I feel a bit disappointed? I was getting to the point of unsure with Mr NewHouse, but now I'm left wondering what I did to make him go from chatting every night to gone. 😁 weirdly he hasn't read or even been on WhatsApp since 9pm Saturday... for someone who messaged a few times a day I think it's odd. If he'd been online and not messaged I'd have probably said 'meh' but the mystery is getting to me. Honestly I have brain issues!

@Onesmallstep67 thanks for your reply yeah I do want commitment from someone but I think it scares me when someone shows it.

I know I dont need to meet up with the old iron or owe him anything i just meant it would be easier for him to call off than me 😂. I actually dont think he would be fussed if I did call off, we have spoken for a long time while chatting to/meeting others.

Mr Positive seems very keen and has just asked if we're dating and if I'm talking to anyone else. I know some of you dont like that so early but it prob wouldnt bother me to say I'm not talking to anyone as I dont like chatting to lots anyway.

it's not that the sex is not appealing, I'm just not sure if I think its right thing to do. I'll prob put it on hold and see how Mr Positive goes.

@Menora sounds like exactly the same experience I had with MissH (the sex not all the negative aspects 😉).
She found it incredible that she was the first person who'd asked me in a long long time what I want and enjoy. You get used to thinking it's not important and not talking openly about it, so it's difficult to suddenly change and at the time I had no answer.
Our sex life was very good though, best I've experienced, and part of that came from her encouraging me to forget what I'd been used to.
He may well be shy, I'm not though so the two things aren't necessarily related. It's years of behaving in a certain way, difficult habits to break but ime not impossible with the right supportive person 😉

@Ant330
Thanks for replying this is really helpful - I totally get your viewpoint I just think I am a few years ahead of him - I was the same when I was younger and didn’t know what I wanted or liked and didn’t know how to ask or show.

He has asked me how or why I do things - ‘how are you so good at that?!!’ (not in the way of gawd you must be a pro 😂) but how do I KNOW it will be nice etc and I just tell him you need to listen to what your body tells you, if it feels good then do it. Or I like it done to me so I do it to you. He is still asking about whether I like things so I think it has the potential to open up for him too - he was really embarrassed about the PE the first time, I didn’t say anything about it and carried on. The last time he did mention it (I think he alerts me to it) and I just said it’s all ok don’t worry and yeah... carry on with that!

Did you feel overwhelmed by it? I want him to trust me more too when it’s ‘his turn’ to learn to let go a bit

@Menora no not overwhelmed. I think in the immediate moment I mentally regressed to being a teenager staring at a naked 42 year old women, thinking say something, say anything, any combination of words is better than silence 🤣
But I explained that I couldn't remember the last time I was asked what I like, and in the moment I hadn't really got an answer.
But no overwhelming wasn't it... refreshing, exciting, knowing I needed to break down some mental barriers, but also comfortable she was the right person to do that with.
Anyway hope that helps, don't ask anything else as I'm starting to wonder if I've made a mistake typing that out 🤣 (just joking, happy to reply if it helps) .

Haha no worries you have been super helpful as it is I really appreciate it

He does stare at me like he’s never seen a naked women before but he has 2 DC so I know he must have 😂

@cravingthelook - agreed. it's not super common on here. the few times it's come up on other threads, there's definitely been scepticism. I'm definitely getting a bit of an itch to want to be able to date again - i really like meeting new people, and the inital feeling of attraction is an intoxicating one. I did think about unfurloughing my OKC profile, but it just felt a bit unethical as i can't really do anything about dating anyone any time soon. one of my partner's other partner is quite covid-cautious, while my other partner's partner is...well...not, so that's been quite challenging working out how to make sure everyone is happy and feeling safe. but it's meant that i've had to be a bit more careful than i feel like i have to be in terms of socialising and so on, and i think dating is probably off the cards for a while until she feels more secure. we're going to have a chat as a three tomorrow i think, to discuss how we want to handle things now things are 'opening up'.

but as Dr Footie (to give a nickname to one partner) said at the weekend in response to that gov't advert about 'going out and enjoying the summer safely'...the things we miss are raves and sex parties, and I don't think we'll feel safe doing any of those things any time soon. doh!

I don't understand the married and bored posters either, though tbh it is always worth remembering that anything you post anywhere is essentially public and permanently out there.

I do sometimes feel a little guilty reading the thread, it's been over a year now since my first and only date, so it's not like I can participate in the thread very much, at least I'm here looking for inspiration rather than entertainment

I found it a good reminder @StarryUnicorn I think it's easy to feel safe here.

Would you be put off by a man on OLD going on a weekend break to Italy in the next couple of weeks? I don't think there's any reason other than for a little holiday.

Also don't know the full details regarding whether he can get a refund, whether he or anyone he sees is vulnerable in any way (he is deffo not over 70).

I'm well aware it's not my business and I won't say anything, it just feels a bit reckless and I find that offputting.

Am I being over cautious and wrong here?

We've not met. It's a question of continuing the chat at this stage with a view to meeting beforehand.

@sweetbirdofjuice I think you are being over cautious. The biggest risk will be the flight I suppose. Not something I'm ready for yet. But community transmission is low. And italy is safer than here!

yeah, its the flight that worries me rather than the destination

@sweetbirdofjuice, I think it's a difficult one to comment on. There is every chance people going about their daily business will come into contact with Covid ( and many of us are actively dating and meeting new contacts ) Maybe if you are sufficiently interested in each other try to meet before he goes away ? Your question is only being asked because we are in such a messed up, unique time in our lives. I guess it says something about his attitude to things that he is prepared to travel. It's really down to your sensitivities and boundaries at the moment.

I guess it says something about his attitude to things that he is prepared to travel.

That's it. On one hand I don't expect him to agonise over the decision to travel with a stranger but he seems so blithe and excited about it as though there was no increased risk!

@sweetbirdofjuice
It wouldn't put me off, a lot of holiday firms/airlines have stopped offering refunds so the choice is to go and be as careful as possible or lose your money.

I have loads of friends on Facebook who are avid travel fans and they are still doing all their holidays they booked before Covid19, they understand the risks but also want to support the travel industry.

The Government and WHO have said its safe to travel so hes not breaking any rules as such.

On the news the other night a travel expert said firms like Easyjet are still running all their flights because its cheaper to run them than give everyone refunds.

I, personally, wouldnt travel abroad currently but then I'm not a huge traveller anyway.

If you're concerned can you meet him before he goes or social distance if you meet within 14 days of his return or wait 14 days to meet?

If he's not vulnerable why should he worry at this stage? My family are all planning on taking the summer trips they thought would be cancelled. It's not for me right now. But then I don't have anything booked. I may feel differently if I already had a holiday booked. Could you see him 2 weeks after he gets back if you are very worried. Or do you think this highlights a different approach to risk between you that will be an issue for you?

@JeSuisPrest just reading about the smug marrieds . Is it possible to add on page one that this thread is geared up for single people who want dating advice only ? Not sure if you can do that or not ?

I have a question about dates. I know things are strange at the minute so may be different to how I would have done things. Tomorrow is date no. 5 with Mr Surprises. Date 1 was a walk in the park. 2 was a picnic in the park. 3 was planned as a picnic the weather was too wet so we had the picnic at his house. Last date was a film and wine at mine. Tomorrow we had planned crazy golf as it’s outside. Again the weather looks crap so he’s coming to mine for lunch. All these ‘house dates’ just feel a bit normal and real life if that makes sense? Whilst it’s nice to feel comfortable together, those who have more experience of dating than I do, when would you start having these kind of dates?
Thanks in advance

@MummyGoingItAlone I know exactly what you mean, it's like you've gone to married and boring and skipped the fun bit isn't it?! Because Mr biology and I bubbled early, all of our 'dates' have been at one of our houses. I think once you're exclusive it would be fairly normal to start hanging out together, and that would get expensive if it always involved a restaurant etc. I'm waiting to see if we start doing more exciting things now it's opening up a bit...

I've been seeing Mr Farmer for 4 months now but tomorrow is our first proper date 😆
Up till now we have been the same, parks and drives and walks then dinners at home so looking forward to an actual date even though it's only coffee

@dancemom enjoy! I was looking forward our proper date but the weather has gotten in the way again

Same, Mr R and I are in the same boat. Cooking dinner together and watching TV can feel a bit married 😂

I'm just back from my first date with Mr BeachHut!

It was a lovely walk (apart from the midges) loads of fun chat. He is attractive, I didn't get the 'I want to rip your clothes off' feels but I did think he looked nice and I would want to see him again.

He said if was great and we should do it again sometime and went in for a kiss. Kiss was good and we ended up having about 4 mini snogs. Good kiss, attractive man and lovely respectful company all ticks.
After what happened with Mr Bike and Mr Music I'm ok with there not being fireworks.

So we said goodnight and drove home and at the point where we went different directions he gave me a cheery smile and wave.

So you guys tell me what you think but I'm actually thinking of dropping him a message to take the pressure off a bit. He went in for the kiss, so I figured if I message first he will know I am interested.

I have a walking outside date tomorrow too -
Praying my hair survives intact in the rain 😂
I feel like I have spent so long in the house over the last 4 months that I want to get out on dates where possible - doesn’t even have to be expensive restaurants, a walk, a cafe, cinema even!
In other news my date from the other night has just messaged asking if I want to catch up again, which I don’t, so I have to send that shitty message now 😫