My DH cannot feel emotions, what the fuck

[AlexithymiaDH]

We've been together for 6 years and married for three, we have two small children.

I've always known he didn't feel things as deeply as I or others but I never realised to what extent. I remember feeling confused and a bit saddened about his visible indifference to the births of our children.

I miscarried a third baby (I believe as a result of the birth control I was on that failed) and as I sat crying he was just angry acting as though he was being inconvenienced. I had to tell him how I needed him to respond in that moment.

Tonight during a deep conversation he revealed that he doesn't feel emotions the way others do, and while he pretends to understand me if I'm upset/anxious/excited etc, he cannot relate at all and never could.

He's not depressed and said he has never felt anything close to what depression appears to be. Never felt true sadness not even when a relative died. He doesn't suffer anxiety, even in situations where almost everybody would.

The only emotion he can identify with is anger (though he has never been violent)

He has been habitually unfaithful and whilst I've spent the past two years clutching at straws and try to understand why he did it to me, only now does it make sense. He cannot feel empathy. He doesn't truly care about anything and if he can't feel the most basic of emotions such as joy then how could he possibly feel love?

This conversation tonight has been the final nail in the coffin, as odd as that is given the history. You needn't tell me to LTB, I'm leaving.

He isn't normal is it? What is this?

Affective Depreviation Disorder?

Narcissistic

Ok good you’re leaving because that pathological lack of empathy sounds odd. Teamed with the cheating likely on the psychopathic spectrum than the autism spectrum with serial cheating & living on the edge/double life type behaviour.

Does he enjoy adrenaline based activities ??what things “excite” him? Yes the affairs will, but anything else come to mind he enjoys which might get a “rush”? Other risk-based enjoyments or pursuits ?

It sounds like you know something is wrong with him & you feel safe to leave which is good.

Initially I was thinking asperges but I dont believe the cheating fits. Whatever the reason, it's good you are leaving as you deserve better than a lying cheat. Good luck to you OP

People on the autistic spectrum do feel emotion, that is a common misconception.

He sounds more like he is a psychopath or sociopath.

How sad for you OP 💐💐💐

Alexithymia is the term for people who feel emotions but can't put a name to them.

Callous-unemotional is sometimes used as a descriptor in research into how different people experience emotions. It is not the same as autism and can be linked to antisocial behaviour.

People on the spectrum feel emotions just fine. Whatever he is at least he won't be your problem for much longer.

I'm sorry you must be really hurting, don't give him any more of your emotional energy, keep it for you and your children, unmumsnetty hugs to you.

Why do people always assume aspergers /autism? Huge misconceptions that they don't feel anything!!

He just sounds like a painful, hideous waste of your time, love, energy and one precious life.

It’s your choice if you want to keep wasting yourself in this way. He obviously won’t give a shit either way.

You have “alexithymia” in your username so clearly you understand more than you’re letting on here (I was going to suggest alexithymia upon reading your OP). So why are you asking what it is? You already know.

Isn’t that the definition of a psychopath? They’re quite common I understand.

He has given you the clearest indication ever that he doesn’t and will not care for you. Take it as a gift and leave him.

He sounds like a psychopath. There are many more psychopaths out there than you may realise, and very, very few of them are violent.

Honestly op I wouldn’t waste your time trying to diagnose him. Just say good fucking riddance and enjoy the rest of your life

He has been habitually unfaithful and whilst I've spent the past two years clutching at straws and try to understand why he did it to me, only now does it make sense. He cannot feel empathy. He doesn't truly care about anything and if he can't feel the most basic of emotions such as joy then how could he possibly feel love?

It’s just more bullshit from a cheating liar though isn’t it? He’ll feel emotions fine when it suits him no doubt. I wouldn’t bother trying to analyse him or give this bullshit any airtime. Just move on.

@Fairycake2 People with Aspergers can & do cheat

People with aspergers do feel emotions and may feel them very deeply. However, they have a problem expressing these emotions, which leads to the misconception that they dont have emotions.
OP he sounds more like a sociopath or a psychopath.
Very sorry for you

@Crystalspider

Narcissistic

This. Absolutely. Now this is an unusual script -but you are questioning yourself and feel he can't help his affairs. If he can feel love -he can certainly feel lust, lies and hiding. This is not anything other then a narcissistic dick. LEAVE.

I found the word alexithmyia tonight when I began looking into people who feel no emotions, but his problems go deeper than that as unlike people who just can't recognise their emotions - he doesn't have any.

His cheating is (in my opinion) him looking for something to fill the void he has within him, because of the chronic emptiness he feels. This has only clicked tonight.

There has been historical risk taking behaviour before that is only starting to click now. When I met him he had not long been fired from his old job, he was accused of stealing money from the company. He claimed he was innocent and had done nothing wrong and span such a convincing story I believed him. It later emerged that he had been compliant in repaying the money, so he wasn't innocent was he.

If I knew exactly what I was dealing with then I could have left sooner but I've been trying to identify and fix the problems in our marriage, not realising how it really is just about who he is. He's very good at gaslighting you.

It's like a lightbulb moment tonight and I've finally been able to see beyond the mask. Though not really a grand discovery on my part as he willingly offered up the information, not realising how I would then use it to find the strength to leave.

It's fucking shit really isn't it, to realise somebody never truly loved you because they're incapable.

Why does it matter what it is? Are you going to use whatever answer we come up with as an excuse to stay?

Sociopaths don't feel things the way normal people do. They tend to feel anger though.

There's an interesting book by M.E Thomas on the topic of sociopaths and their inner lives.

According to M.E.Thomas's book (she has been diagnosed as a sociopath) she feels a chronic emptiness, too.

He sounds like a sociopath

OP I just had to post because I’m in exactly the same situation. After 15 yrs, 3DS and what I thought was a great marriage I discovered cheating. I was then told he had never felt anything - no emotions. His indiscreet counsellor told me this was due to childhood trauma (boarding school at early age) which had effectively frozen his emotional development to that of a child. Staggered, I believed it and went through hellish counselling where he tore apart our marriage and claimed he only married me ‘because he thought that’s what people did’. I could gone. Anyway I loved him and the family and did my utmost to support him. Cue lockdown when he finally said that was it. Now mysteriously the lack of emotion has turned to cruelty. The ‘flashbacks’ have stopped. The ‘fear’ I created in him when I spoke (I was told transference from some early character in his childhood) has gone. My diagnosis - utter bollocks. It’s a line they spin. I literally cannot believe this is the man I married. And nor can anyone who knows us. My heart goes out to you OP - I know the pain.

OP - you are asking a strange question that you know the answer to. You know your H is different from the majority of people.
But isn’t not a matter of ‘normal’ or not.
He clearly would score high on psychopathic traits - his lack of empathy is a clear indication.
However, it a spectrum and is not a mental disease. It’s an evolutionary trait and some people possess more of it than others. And only really a small percentage combine it with severe antisocial behaviours that create an image of ‘psychopath’ in peoples mind.

Sadly none of that can help you feel any better about the relationship. He doesn’t feel emotions the way you feel them. It’s not by choice, it’s how he is built.
It doesn’t mean he can’t love you and his children - but what love means for him is different.

@iano

Why does it matter what it is? Are you going to use whatever answer we come up with as an excuse to stay?

No. My mind was made up before I posted the thread.

I could get a unanimous "stay and go to couples counselling" and it wouldn't change my mind.

I've checked out, but obviously it's hurtful and painful to discover something like this from somebody you exchanged vows with. The whole lot has been a lie and him wearing a mask.