My DH cannot feel emotions, what the fuck

[AlexithymiaDH]

We've been together for 6 years and married for three, we have two small children.

I've always known he didn't feel things as deeply as I or others but I never realised to what extent. I remember feeling confused and a bit saddened about his visible indifference to the births of our children.

I miscarried a third baby (I believe as a result of the birth control I was on that failed) and as I sat crying he was just angry acting as though he was being inconvenienced. I had to tell him how I needed him to respond in that moment.

Tonight during a deep conversation he revealed that he doesn't feel emotions the way others do, and while he pretends to understand me if I'm upset/anxious/excited etc, he cannot relate at all and never could.

He's not depressed and said he has never felt anything close to what depression appears to be. Never felt true sadness not even when a relative died. He doesn't suffer anxiety, even in situations where almost everybody would.

The only emotion he can identify with is anger (though he has never been violent)

He has been habitually unfaithful and whilst I've spent the past two years clutching at straws and try to understand why he did it to me, only now does it make sense. He cannot feel empathy. He doesn't truly care about anything and if he can't feel the most basic of emotions such as joy then how could he possibly feel love?

This conversation tonight has been the final nail in the coffin, as odd as that is given the history. You needn't tell me to LTB, I'm leaving.

He isn't normal is it? What is this?

A family member is lending me a short term loan so I can pay the deposit on a new home for me and the children which he has no idea about yet.

I'm looking forward to a new life without the stress and anguish he brings us.

Bingo. Get the fuck out OP. A true psychopath.

@Erkhart and @MMmomDD do you get it now? Are there psychopaths who manage to live without damaging people? Probably. Are there many? No. Because their brains are stimulated by the excitement and drama and what better way to get that that causing massive problems for others that you don't care about.

Protect your money. I mean as carefully as you have to doing whatever you have to because he WILL leave you penniless. Inertia and pretending this isn't happening is your enemy right now.

Eyes wide open, deep breath, big girl pants on, dig deep - all the cliches. See what's there stop lying to yourself and others and lose the fsirytale dream.

This is time to be the most cunning, brave, deceptive, forward planning, detaches version of you that you possibly can be while putting on the performance of a lifetime do he doesn't realise.

Pretend you are whatever superhero works for you. Think what would this person (someone you admire who is brave and strong and never loses) do?

Well, as he has no emotions, it should be an easy clean break shouldn't it?

Liking the OW by the way. He lied to her and she shamed him on SM. When you feel better you might want to have coffee with her and swap notes if you can bear to. You probably have a lot in common.

I'm certainly not 'evil', 'abusive', a psychopath
You say these in a list as if they are similar, but they're not. Psychopathy is a basic medical condition or state of the brain. Some (most? I don't know) psychopaths get through life just fine, without causing any great trouble. The book I linked to above is written by a scientist who was researching into psychopathy when he realised from a brain scan that he was one, too. It's not just that there's a spectrum of severity, it's also simply that people make different things of themselves.

(The same is obviously true to some extent of actual narcissism, if not the "narcs" often described on MN.)

Er @Vodkacranberryplease no one likes the OW on Mumsnet. Keep in line please

@Vodkacranberryplease

Not sure why you seem so intent on making generalisations from one person’s example. It’s like saying - Man X killed someone = all men are killers.... 🤷🏻‍♀️

And it doesn’t matter for the OP whether many psychopaths manage to have Ok lives and relationships. It only matters that her H isn’t one of them.
It wasn’t as clear from the original post how bad it actually was for her. But it’s clear that it’s not only about him not feeling emotions. So of course the OP needs to do what’s right for her and save herself.

I wouldn't want to sit down for coffee with the OW, she is just as twisted as he is.

I didn't take what she did as her shaming him, she just wanted to humiliate me.

She filled my inbox with an excess of 40 messages, most were disgusting.

I had to involve the police who paid her a visit and told her in no uncertain terms to leave me alone.

@Erkhart and @MMmomDD do you get it now

I, for one, consider myself far more educated and enlightened now that I've been exposed to your superior opinions, yes, @Vodkacranberryplease

It doesn’t really matter does it? You aren’t happy so that’s it
My father was like this and when my Mum left him it was really hard, you can’t assume they will behave like “normal” people because they don’t feel guilt or remorse

@XDownwiththissortofthingX, I think you have described my H to a T. And I agree this is very different time what the Op is describing (even if some behaviours due to his lack of understanding have been just as hurtful/abusive).

Notice you who has been repeatedly disrespected by him is now pandering to his problems - spending time psychoanalysing his mind, trying to medicalise his poor behaviour choices in order to make the betrayal more palatable to you.

I agree with @vikingwife, and note further that there are actually people on the thread saying how awful it must be for him to be so dead inside. Save you emotional energy for yourself, OP.

@AlexithymiaDH I don’t have any explanation for your DH behaviour but it’s nice to see how you have taken the bull by the horn and are planning your escape.
I agree with another poster, be very careful with money because he will have no issue at all taking it all from you if he can.

Have you had some legal advice there too??

I also agree that psychoanalysing someone you have chosen to leave is not a good use of your time.
Spend your time gathering info you need, seeking legal advice and getting therapy for yourself. You need to establish a way of dealing with him that is boundaries. Engrossing yourself in his mind is not it.

I'm no expert but as has been said, it sounds like sociopathy. They're not evil axe murderers but they're not good life partners or parents.

I am concerned you are planning to purchase a property while you’re legally married, or not formally financially separated.

I would advise you speak with a lawyer & consider renting for 6-12 months until this all can die down. You don’t need to buy another property right now - you need to leave the relationship.

Just please engage with a family law solicitor prior to doing anything house related, especially in regards to making purchases while still legally married & not even separated.

Oh I'm not buying, sorry I should have clarified. The deposit is for a private rented house.

He sounds like a pyschopath/sociopath rather than an autistic person. The compulsive lying, addiction to (warped) sex and lack of empathy sounds just like an ex of mine. You are right to get away - he simply cannot feel anything, can't love like a normal person, and is inherently a massively damaged person. My ex too could only feel anger really. Mostly if he thought he was being found out. It was all about power and control with him. And he was also completely incapable of being faithful. In the end he was also violent.

I didn't have children with mine, although he did have his own children who had stopped talking to him by the time I met him Good luck OP - glad you are getting out.

@ravenmum I've actually read that book it was fascinating, he had children though and didn't seem to feel like he had no emotions. His brain scan said otherwise (was it Jon Ronson?).

I think if you don't feel love or empathy or care what happens to other people including those around you and are involved with other people who do those people will end up very hurt. That's probably quite hard to grasp for some here.

It's perfectly possible to be on the scale but actually be someone who cares (in your own way) about your family etc.

But that's not what struck me about the OPs partner here - and the reason it didn't is because I'm not on the scale so see things differently.

I had an amazing book written by a female psychopath who lived a pretty normal life - but the book started with her drowning a small animal that had fallen into a pool.

So really if you have this condition and are not hurting other people or animals then great. But don't pretend others with this are mostly fine because they aren't. Because you couldn't possibly know how people are affected by being involved with it. It causes a fuck of a lot of pain. Not that you care I guess which kind of illustrates what I'm saying.

Jon Ronson wrote 'The Psychopath Test' which is a fascinating read, but was criticised for shallow research.

James Fallon was the bloke who accidentally found out that he was a psychopath himself. Apparently his family had seen signs of oddness in him, but didn't assume psychopathy, because, well... who would? Only those with experience of it are really aware of the signs (except for the rare axe murdery/life-destroyer types, and even then, it can be a surprise)

That's probably quite hard to grasp for some here.

I read a lot of books. That one was a long time ago and wasn't the book gallon just wrote.

But you're just so fucking smug about being one - and that is absolutely typical. You'll literally never get it. You actually think it makes you better. 😂😂

@Vodkacranberryplease

But you're just so fucking smug about being one

Who are you talking to?

I would say he's a psychopath but I'm not a professional. OP, please get out ASAP

I was taught by a man who was part of the academic research team that set the criteria for assessing psychopathy.

He was really miffed that Ronson, a journalist, wrote that book, got a lot wrong and made a fortune from it.