My DH cannot feel emotions, what the fuck

[AlexithymiaDH]

We've been together for 6 years and married for three, we have two small children.

I've always known he didn't feel things as deeply as I or others but I never realised to what extent. I remember feeling confused and a bit saddened about his visible indifference to the births of our children.

I miscarried a third baby (I believe as a result of the birth control I was on that failed) and as I sat crying he was just angry acting as though he was being inconvenienced. I had to tell him how I needed him to respond in that moment.

Tonight during a deep conversation he revealed that he doesn't feel emotions the way others do, and while he pretends to understand me if I'm upset/anxious/excited etc, he cannot relate at all and never could.

He's not depressed and said he has never felt anything close to what depression appears to be. Never felt true sadness not even when a relative died. He doesn't suffer anxiety, even in situations where almost everybody would.

The only emotion he can identify with is anger (though he has never been violent)

He has been habitually unfaithful and whilst I've spent the past two years clutching at straws and try to understand why he did it to me, only now does it make sense. He cannot feel empathy. He doesn't truly care about anything and if he can't feel the most basic of emotions such as joy then how could he possibly feel love?

This conversation tonight has been the final nail in the coffin, as odd as that is given the history. You needn't tell me to LTB, I'm leaving.

He isn't normal is it? What is this?

Alexithymia is when you have emotions (in the physical sense - e.g. heart racing when nervous, warm feeling for happiness) but dont have names for them, don't realise that you're having an emotion. An alexithymic person might have chronic stomach complaints or food allergies, for example, when in fact they are anxious and their stomach is churning but they dont know that's an emotional experience, they don't connect the words together. Some people who have alexithymia may have words for certain emotions and not others - because their parents may have only used certain emotional descriptors with them - eg many many men have a type of alexithymia where the only emotion they have a name for is anger, the rest falls under "content" or maybe "grumpy", because as children their emotions were ignored except for their aggression. They do feel emotions, they just cant name them or communicate about them. This is so common in men that there is a version called "normative male alexithymia"...

To actually be chronically empty and emotionless except for anger is not alexithymia, that's another thing whose name escapes me but it's a sign of sociopathy. His sexual and financial risk taking, along with what sounds like chronic dishonesty, points to that as well.

Glad you've decided to leave. You cant change him. He sounds potentially dangerous tbh.

Thank you for the replies

I must stress that me looking to understand his behaviour isn't me looking to make excuses for it or to explain away the infidelity as something he is naturally predisposed to or cannot help.

I've made the decision to walk away from the marriage so any analysing or researching at this point is purely for my benefit and not his. It is helping me to finally see and understand that none of it is my fault and his ill treatment of me was not my fault or due to anything I was lacking or not putting into the relationship.

As strange as it may sound, it helps me to realise that he is a lost cause as far as our family goes.

He is one of five children and his parents divorced when he was still a child, his mother worked two jobs and the childcare fell to his eldest siblings. His DM was never a loving parent (I know this to be true) and all siblings were regularly punished by smacking and other methods that would be frowned upon in this day and age.

That being said, my own parents weren't particularly loving and I also come from a broken home yet manage not to destroy other people's lives, so whilst he may have problems with attachment he certainly can't use those factors as justification for his behaviour.

Its sad but it sounds like you are doing the best thing for you and your children. Will he be 100% ok when the children visit him, he's not the sort to take risks? Sorry to write it.

I don't believe he would ever hurt the children, me or himself. I have left him once previously and he was virtually unaffected.

I do have some doubts as to whether he will be a consistent parent once no longer in the fold but that remains to be seen. When reaching my decision to split I've had to take into consideration the fact i will likely receive little support from him in the way of looking after the children which is shit but it is what it is.

Another person here wanting to point out that autistic people do feel emotion - very intently. They don't always express it and some can't easily stand other people displaying emotion but that's because it;s so distressing.

No idea what you are describing. Narcissists I've known easily display a wide range of emotions all about themselves. They just hate the limelight being stolen by distress that has nothing to do with them, so I am guessing not that.

It does sound like psychopathy.

www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/312993/the-psychopath-inside-by-james-fallon/

I'm going to read the books suggested, thank you for the recommendations.

I have an autistic loved one and they are definitely able to feel emotions too.

I really feel for you. I cried and cried when I realised my ex had no capacity for compassion. I kept making excuses for his behaviour, not wanting to see the truth. Trying to understand his position which as an empathetic person was just impossible. It's beyond comprehension. It's hard not to internalise that kind of stuff when you live with it.

All the suggested reading is spot on.

Hello OP

I thought I should post to say that I'm very similar to your DH, and while other posters in the thread are quite correct in stating that autistic people are not all unfeeling automatons incapable of empathy, my difficulty in feeling strong emotion and empathising withe others is very definitely an aspect of my autism. You can't completely rule that out in your DH

I'm not a psychopath, and nor am I 'narcissistic'. I have a robust and fairly typical set of morals, I don't get involved in playing mind-games, I'm perfectly capable of compassion and kindness, I just have huge problems empathising with other people about things that they feel strongly emotionally affected by if I don't have personal experience of the same thing, or the issues affecting them are not directly tied to me.

I'm useless in situations where anyone needs calming or emotional support, because much like you describe in your DH, I can't really see what all the upset is about, so I view them as acting irrationally or hysterically. I wouldn't be of any use supporting them anyway because I'm an entirely pragmatic person by nature, so I keep my mouth shut because I have a tendency to come over as callous and indifferent, even though there's no intent or malice in me at all, I simply can't understand why somebody would get emotional about something that I would consider being of no consequence were I in their shoes, or appears to have an easy resolution that I wouldn't hesitate to enact.

I also experience anger, usually borne out of frustration at the things that my autism struggles to reconcile, so people who wont follow procedures, unscheduled disruptions to routines, etc, so it's not that I'm utterly incapable of experiencing strong emotion, I just don't 'do' most of the ones that most people accept as normal. I don't go to funerals etc, even those of family members, because to me they are needlessly morose and serve no worthwhile purpose, I don't take any joy in other people's children, so I've no interest in meeting nephews/nieces for example. I know it must come across as uncaring or weird, but to me it's just a difference, and I don't see why I should be criticised and judged simply because my brain doesn't experience the world in the same way that the majority deem sociologically acceptable.

Anyway, I just thought I'd say that your DH isn't unfamiliar to me at all, and I'm certainly not 'evil', 'abusive', a psychopath, or a 'narcissist' (MN's go-to diagnosis for anyone who acts in any sort of self-interested way, no matter how trivial, it seems).

@XDownwiththissortofthingX

I think what OP is struggling with is whether or not her H can love her given his different buildup. And what love even means for him.

I agree with you - people throw around labels describing different spectrums of people’s psychological buildup - and use words like ‘normal’ too liberally. While there isn’t really one definition of normality anyway.
And non-feeling of emotions, for example has a clear evolutionary aspect to it - fighters who didn’t feel (=didn’t fear dying) were needed to defend and fight.
And now - there are plenty of professions where same traits are valuable - army, special forces, etc. Interestingly - surgeons and lawyers also tend to score high on psychopathy scale - because to do what they do - they must be able to not feel. In general, or be able to switch it off.
All I am saying in a long winded way - not feeling emotions the same as others - doesn’t make a person bad in some way. It just makes the person dofferent.
(Incidentally it also doesn’t automatically makes the person violent - which is what people imagine when they say psychopath)

None of this would help OP. She is tired and it’s not easy to be in a relationship with someone like her H. And his cheating is also a factor.

Psychopathy.

I'm sorry OP. It is shit. It's very shit.

I'm definitely leaving. Not even wild horses could change my mind

This is good. This way lies contentment. Good luck.

Functioning Psychopath/sociopath. 1 million percent. It's amazing how open many are about their lack of emotions.

Anti social personality disorder. He isn't mild but he's not a dangerous madman. He can't help it but staying will destroy you.

Incredibly deceptive, enjoy fucking with people for no reason, financially amoral (lock down the finances. Before you go. Copies of everything and do not trust him for a single second). Cheating. Hate losing and I mean really hate losing. Love control. Want to appear normal. Lies all the time. Couldn't give a shit about your pain. Charming and believsble. Very credible. Arrogant (their Achilles heel)

It's all about them. So you have to be very careful and look after you - because you will be left penniless with no friends if you aren't. Be very careful and make sure you have important documents out of the house long before you leave. He will hide money without blinking.

Imagine not being able to feel anything
That must be awful. I mean I know they don’t care
But they must a little, otherwise why do they get into a relationship in the first place

@MMmomDD yes amazing isn't it how living with someone utterly without morals or feelings can be tiring?

He may not be an evil killer but he will destroy her. Let's not pretend this is just a bit of 'neurodiversity' or talk about how they have their uses. Being able to go to war or cut people open may require a certain lack of feeling in some areas but this is a Brighton rock level of coldness. It goes all the way through.

@vodkacranberryplease

It's a spectrum. He quite possibly won't have a lot of those traits, or try to 'destroy' OP. You're presenting the worst possible scenario.

Yes, OP, it's a good idea to protect your assets, but you might not be in for quite the dramatic ride presented above.

@Vodkacranberryplease

Not having empathy/not feeling emotions doesn’t mean the person has no morals.
Plenty of people have lots of questionable morals while possessing whole range of feelings.

Bit of course - I agree that having very different neurological setups can be quite tiring. It’s no different really to living with people with autism, anxieties, depression, etc.
People with psychopathic traits are able to form meaningful relationships. They aren’t out to destroy their partners.
But of course - it’s not easy.

He apparently feels desire enough to want to cheat on OP multiple times. But anyhow, perhaps its just he's comparing himself with how he thinks he should be feeling, based on exaggerated depictions of emotion in fiction and on entertainment media.

@Flyingagainstreason

There's another recent thread on this board discussing autism in which this sort if thing was discussed. IIRC I said something along the lines of that I find most neurotypical people enormously flakey, overly emotional, whimsical, needy etc

Far from being 'awful', I wouldn't change the way I am for all the wealth in the world. To me it just appears like other people are far too burdened by emotion, it causes them to act completely irrationally, and creates nothing but trouble and bother for them.

It's not that I don't feel emotion, but similar to OP's DH, I just don't experience the highs and lows of it to anything like the extent expressed by most people I know. It's liberating just feeling nothing but a shrug of the shoulders and 'meh' to a lot things if I'm honest. It means I don't get pointlessly invested in things I have no control over anyway.

@Scott72

Sexual desire is a primal feeling. It’s not the same as emotions. So it’s possible to not have emotions and feel sexual desires.
My guess is that he probably can’t understand/comprehend the need for monogamy in a relationship. He is probably smart enough to know that it’s a social expectation - but he doesn’t really understand why it is important for his W, or why it hurts her when he isn’t monogamous.

Forgot to add - none of what I am saying is to say that OP has to accept it and live with him as he is.

But she seems to seek some sort of understanding of his behaviour. And she needs to know that none of it has anything to do with her. He was born the way. And he can’t change that.

There is the psychopath/sociopath explanation.

There’s also another syndrome that I heard of before. I’ll have to go and google to remember the name. A sort of dissociative condition. I met someone once who described something similar. He said he didn’t feel emotions and he felt this was becoming true to an ever greater extent as time passed. Let me see if I can find it.

Let me be very clear and say I am not confusing this with ASD. They are very very different things and being autistic does not in any way affect your morals, and having fewer feelings does not make you dishonest.

He is dishonest. He doesn't care. I'm guessing a few people here have the diagnosis of anti social personality disorder and manage not to behave like total arseholes. It can happen. But equally he cheats and doesn't give a fuck - so he isn't a great person.

I suspect that as this thread goes on we will hear more about ways in which he has been less than stellar.

And I'm not saying he will try to destroy her. I'm saying living with the cheating and knowing he has no feelings will destroy her. Being with him, in other words. If you can't understand why that would be painful that's you - but don't put your lack of feelings into her.

You may not care if someone shags around on you but most people do. It's a lot more than a fucking social construct. Finding out the person you love, that you married is not there and doesn't even exist is seriously difficult for most people to deal with.

If you don't get that fine. But do not expect others to be like you.

Thank you for the further replies

Had it not been for the callous nature I would have wondered whether it was related to ASD, but afaik callous isn't something that goes hand in hand with autism. Wouldn't an individual with say, aspergers, be much less likely to be callous?

There is of course more to his abhorrent behaviour as a PP guessed there would be. He has previously got us into alot of debt (almost 4k) by not honouring his side of the financial obligations. There is no logical explanation as to why he did that, other than him just not wanting to pay for "boring" things when he had something more exciting to waste money on (during one of the two affairs that I now know about)

He wasn't in financial hardship at the time, he just chose to spend his money elsewhere as he was planning to leave me and didn't care about me being left with debt.

When this affair was going on he would purposefully start arguments with me to look for an excuse to storm out and go to her, and whilst he was doing that he was painting me as an awful person and he a long suffering husband (which is BS)

The lies he tells are astronomical too. He told me his ex suffered multiple miscarriages which turned out to be lies. He had no need to make those things up but still did, I suspect for sympathy as it was when I met him.

He also invented this terribly sad story about how another ex girlfriend 10+ years ago gave birth to a stillborn baby which was his. This also turned out to be bollocks, and he told me that to distract me from the affair he was having. He knew I had become suspicious so he faked depression and "confided" that he was suffering with suppressed grief, and that's why he was going out and "walking around" for 6-8 hours.

I was beside myself with worry and was begging him to see a doctor even though his behaviour didn't match his claim of being depressed (I've been depressed so I know the signs)

When the affair comes to light (from OW) he ran off and left me with the children, physically sick with stress and needing therapy.

I also believe he is a sexual deviant, not a rapist, but somebody who will go with anybody anywhere anytime because sex is the only thing he actually enjoys in life.

You'll be wondering why I allowed him back after even 1/3 of this and that's because until very recently I did believe there was something wrong (depression/mental health) as it didn't resonate with me that somebody "normal" could behave in this way and being old school I wanted to honour my vows. In sickness and in health.

It turns out there's nothing wrong with him, at least not depression/anxiety, or anything that can be treat. Finally hearing what I have has given me the answers I needed to make that break.

Well all I can say is here’s to the future. You wi be much happier. I would probably start thinking about some therapy for yourself.

He also told the OW that i had cancer, I haven't.

I was undergoing tests via the 2 week pathway at the time because I presented at the doctors with enlarged lymph nodes that had been up for several months. The GP wanted to rule out lymphoma so I was urgently referred during which time he told the woman that I had been diagnosed with cancer (which he still denies now)

The OW took to Facebook to broadcast the fact he had been sleeping with her whilst I "have cancer" and still he denied ever mentioning my tests.

He's an utter scum bag.